Am I being selfish - possible divorce? sorry so long

JAYMESMOM wrote: I haven't been on in a while due to some family problems we have been having. Not that they are new but they have all come to a head this week. I think we are on our way to divorce court.

Brief Summary-We met June of 2002, married Jan 2003 (making me step-mom) , Jayme was born Jan 2004,

I knew I loved him within a week of meeting him. We were perfect together and everything was whilrwind from there. We have had our share of ups and downs but with-in the past 8-9 months this have just gotten worse each time.

He doesn't think I love him and no matter what I say or do it's never enough.

But to this weekend. He came home at 3:30 AM - Sunday morning. I had said I didn't mind he went out with a friend to watch the Nascar race. Well I am asked upon his return if I would be mad that he went to the topless bar. I said yes if he went without letting me know first I would be made. 5 minutes later he fessed up. And doesn't know why I am mad since we went together once. (We went because I wanted to see what it was like and to see if as guys say they can go there and not get turned on - WRONG - after we went we both talked and he said it wasn't right, etc. etc.) I explained this to him but he said his friend wanted to go and what was he supposed to do (my husband was the one driving- not go)

So I went to bed where he started on the loving him part - I asked to let me be mad and go to sleep. Well he did until the next morning when he started all over again as I am trying to leave for church. He sat in my van driver seat and wouldn't get out. He just kept saying you don't love me, I finally lost it said some very mean things and then told him I don't love him, i hate him, hoping he would get out. He didn't. As a last resort I got the baby out of the van and walked next door to my parents.

A few hours later he came over wanting to talk, etc. etc. I told him no because I can't live like this anymore. He kept demanding I go for a drive with him. I said no everytime and he finally gave up.

The baby (thankfully) took a 4 hour nap with me (That was the best Mother's Day present) the whole time he kept calling.

I did call him back when I woke up and explained I didn't know what to do anymore but we didn't need to live like this. I reassured him that he would see his daughter since I would never keep her from him. He started on the Loving him thing and I told him that I feel he wants me to confirm how he feels so he can feel vindicated in what he does. So I did it and I can't take it back. He has pushed me to this.

I didn't talk to him again for several hours when he started the multi phone calls again. He then informed me the called his ex and told her I wouldn't be getting Nick on thurs for visitation anymore and he would pick him up for the weekend on Saturday instead of me getting him on Friday. (He has pulled this before trying to use Nick to manipulate me by calling his ex-wife when he was mad at me and telling her Nick being with me wasn't a good thing to come and get him. She came to make sure I was ok but didn't make him leave since she realized the game he was playing. He promised me then he wouldn't do it ever again.) That was the last straw for me. I told him that he can't use the kids to get to me because that made up my mind. I thought about counseling maybe but cant imagine any hope for us.

The sad thing for me is I can see my life without him when not too long ago I couldn't see it that way.

I know by divorcing him I will loose my step-son but cannot live miserable for the childrens sake. The hard thing about that is seperating the 2 kids. It is not their fault but Jayme is young enough I know she will heal easier than Nick. He is having such a hard time anyways.

I don't know what to do anymore. My family is against divorce but say they will support me. His family has nothing to do with me since they hate me and so they don't talk to him. His parents only acknoweldged his son b-day by contacting his ex not my daughters (which I know they will never accept her) They will take him back if I divorce him since I hurt him and how right they were in their eyes.

I am completely lost in knowing if this is the right thing to do.

I could use some advice for sure. Sorry so long!!!!!!

kimberley replied: (((hugs))) hon. i am sorry things are so difficult for you right now. it sounds to me that there are deeper issues than going to a strip club that need to be resolved. getting so intensely involved with someone so fast and having a baby puts all kinds of pressure on both of you. i know, i have been there with DH. have you tried having a heart to heart with him and getting your feelings out on the table and hearing his? i know things may seem hopeless right now (and you are still angry) but is it really worth throwing away what could be your future happiness? do you still love him? these are all things you must ask yourself. look at the bigger picture and work towards a solution you can live with. i strongly suggest counselling before you consider divorce. i hope you can work things out and know we are here anytime to listen.

JAYMESMOM replied: The thing is when I lay things out he takes the poor him route. That he can never be good enough for me, I don't love him, he never does anything right, etc. etc.

I can't be honest or risk him getting mad for being honest on how I feel. He actually got mad at me and called me a liar for days after admitting to him about my anorexia/bulemia problem. And now the only time he mentions it is to remind me I lied to him.

I had been seeing a therapist but he got jealous that he didn't knw what we talked about so I stopeed going it wasn't worth it.

moped replied: I am so sorry to hear this Gwen.........I am certainly not one to give advice at all. I am sorry and I hope you do whatever makes you happy in your life.............not much help here

A&A'smommy replied: well I'm not really sure what to say to you... I read and then I went away and I was just thinking about it. Divorce is a big thing I mean these days people make it not so much of a big thing but it really is maybe you can ask him to go to counseling with you and then maybe see a female counselor, ask him to go to church with you and let him know that you are TRYING to make your marriage work tell him often that you love him and what you really want out of your life together, I know you say he plays the "poor me" routine well tell him to shut up and listen and then say I LOVE YOU the most sincerly you ever have. I really wish I could give you some better advice!!! ((((HUGS)))) I hope you can work things out! We are here to listen to you!!!

JAYMESMOM replied: The funny thing is we do go to church together. He has told me for years that therapist/counseling is dumb and doesn't work but now that he thinks he is losing me he wants to try it.

I don't know if now it is good enough. He thought it was a joke when I went for my depression but now its not so funny. I feel he may be trying to use that to hold onto me and yet he doesn't think it will work.

I am too independant for him. I feel!!

gr33n3y3z replied:
well give it a try

Hey this way you are meeting half way and its a step in the right direction either way

kimberley replied: i agree with Lisa. sometimes it takes the realization that they are going to lose everything for some men to see something's gotta give. if he will agree to go to counselling with you... i'd say go for it. you did once love each other very much so maybe it will help to muddle through the anger, resentment and immaturity (on his part) and find peace and love again. good luck.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Can you bring him with you sometime? If he's willing to go, you should take him up on it. This way you know that you at least gave it a shot and if things don't change after having someone else professionally involved, then you know divorce may be the best. I don't have much advice, but listen to your heart. Please keep us posted.

ian'smommy replied: I'm not a great one for advice on this since my DH and I have had some problems, although we have gone nearly a whole week without an arguement/fight, so that is an improvement. I know it feels hopeless... But I have to say, if he says he wants to try couselling, jump at it. Go and try it even if it seems hopeless... Counselling isn't out of the question for me and my DH either. If things start going downhill again, it will be our next step. I SO understand the "poor me" routine. My DH did it all the time. He said said a few weeks ago that I made it perfectly clear that he was a worthless husband. It becomes personal for them, it seems. He told me that he feels like all I ever do is point out what he is doing wrong, and I think he started to convince himself that I didn't love him either. Like you I was afraid to share my feelings with him if they had to do with something he did or didn't do. He always took offense and got real defensive. Try this maybe. Last week I made a list of this that I love about him. Just to let him know that there are things I love about him. He really was feeling like everything was negative. Since things were rough for us, it took me all day to think about it and come up with 20 things to put on the list. When you are so focused on the negatives, it's easy to oversee the good. Making the list up even helped me feel better because it reminded me that he wasn't a complete jerk.
Anyway, make up a list and leave it for him to find, or give it to him. If you DO still love him, he needs to know. He may really feel that you don't even if you tell him you do. If you can tell him WHY you love him, it might help convince him that you aren't lying, ya know?
I think counselling is a great idea. Marriages aren't hopeless as long as both parties are willing to do their best to make it work. If only you want it to work, or if he is the only one, then of course it won't. You both have to be onboard. I feel like I'm spewing a lot of stuff that's easier said that done, but I am telling this to myself too. I was so tempted to leave during the bad times. It crossed my mind several times. But I want to do everything in my power to make it work first. I know it won't be easy, but I want to try, and so does he. I sure hope this helps you. Good luck.....

MommyToAshley replied: I agree that you should give counseling a try. But, in the end, you have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best for you and your family.

If you do end up divorcing, maybe you can talk to his Ex about keeping a relationship with your step-son... it sounds like she is understanding of the whole situation and that the relationship is important to both you and your daughter.

I wish you the best, we're here if you need to talk or vent.

Jamielou replied: I am going through this and we arent even married. we have been together for 4 years and he calls me his wife. He is a real "poor me" i think they do this when they know they have done you wrong but want to make you feel bad too. I dont have any real good advise i am still trying to figure this out for myself. Plus he is a drinker so i have given him an altematum (iguess i spelled that right) that if he doesnt get help and quit then i quit. he has tried in the past but never went more than 3 days without a drink. He also has this friend that when he gets around is a real bad influence he doesnt work , hasnt had a real girlfriend and drinks like a fish and he gets around him takes off fishing or something for hours and acts like i am not supposed to get mad at all even though i never even get to pee in private anymore well i could go on forever but i wont bore you guys anymore. I wish i could help you , all i can say is do what you feel is right in your heart because you are the only one who really knows everything going on. Good luck to you

lisar replied: I am so sorry you have to go through this. The only advice I have is do whats right for you. Do what will make you happy. If you stay and you are not happy then the kids will know and they will sense it. If you are happy then they will be happy. It might take a lil time to get use to but they will be okay. They will heal quicker than you think they will. If you dont want to stay then go. If you think things will get better the go back. Do what your heart tells you to do. I hope this helps.

Lisa

JAYMESMOM replied: Well I guess we are over. He is talking about getting a new truck. He needs to take care of himself. He even accused me of squandering his money away because he can never go out when he wants.

He is trying to make me kiss his butt over the money. He also thinks I should let him stay here in the house this weekend with the kids even though he has said he is not giving me any more money I have used enough of his money.

He won't do counseling and refuses to give me his charge cards, the truck (which is in my name), and the debit card for the checking.

I had to take today off of work to contact a lawyer and have him removed from all charge cards.

I am going to probably lose my house, van, and everything I own. I am going to be contacting a bankruptcy lawyer too because I can't pay all those bills on my own.

I keep sitting here wondering what I could have done to prevent all of this.

His ex-wife told me last night that I can see Nick so as of right now I will see him every thursday night.

I am going to try and get a second job but I dont know how I am going to do that.

We are going to have give the puppy away since I will be busting my butt to provide for my daughter. She is first for me. I am looking for someone to take him now. I feel bad taking him away from the kids but I can't afford the extra expense.

I go to see my therapist tommorrow - it is not coming soon enough. Thank you for all your support.

Jamielou replied: I am so sorry to hear that i hate that anybody has to go through that but he sounds kinda selfish, you have his daughter so he should be asking if she needs anything not worrying about how you squander his money away. My first husband was that way i moved into my mothers until the divorce was final and then when i moved back into the house he had taken everything even the toilet paper off the wall then he sold the furniture to his cousin instead of letting me and his 1 year old daughter use it. You will find a way to make things work just keep your head up and do it for your kids and everything will fall in place. i know how the 2nd job thing is too i had to do that for 3 months because he left me 2 payments behind on the house so i had to work 2 jobs to catch up. And i am still going to court with him over child support because he is too sorry to pay!!

JAYMESMOM replied: He did say once he is set he will give me child support but only what he thinks is fair since he is not paying for anything in this house or credit cards, etc.

The thing that floors me is that he thinks I should let him stay here this weekend and go away. (since I was going to go up north with the baby)

I had said I would let him have her for the weekend and then I found out he wasnt paying anything and I told him he wasn't staying here if he didnt pay.

JAYMESMOM replied: Now to top it off the bank won't block his access. He could clean out what little is left and there is nothing I can do about it.

I can't close it without him.

ian'smommy replied: Sounds like he isn't mature enough to be married. If all he cares about is how many times he can go out instead of worrying about his family. He needs to know that when he makes the money it's not HIS money, it his family's money to give his family all they need. His mindset is not healthy. It is a recipe for disaster. And it looks like disaster has come about already.
I'm so sorry that this is happening. I don't know what I'd do either. I have never made enough money to survive on my own so if all this was happening to me I'd be pretty scared for myself and my son. Hopefully you will have help where you need it, from family and friends, or whoever can help. I remember you saying that you go to church... Are you a member there or just a regular attender? I'd talk to the pastor there and let him know what is going on. People in a church are very good helping families in need financially, but they need to know there is a problem in order to help.
We go to church too and not last Thanksgiving but the one before, my DH had been laid off. He got a new job but the pay was much less. We didn't even have enough money to pay our bills each month, nevermind eat and buy diapers and that kind of thing. Every year our church has a food drive and because we made our need known, we got a good deal of food brought over to our house. It was very helpful becuase we were able to concentrate on paying our bills instead of buying food. They also have connections to a food bank around here and we were allowed to go and buy 100 pounds of food... Our cart was very very full... We weren't lacking in food, I can tell you that. All because we talked to someone in church about our need.. So I suggest that you talk to your pastor about your concerns. A church is there is help you when you need help.
Again I'm sorry this is happening. Wish I could say something else helpful for you. All I can say is that I'll pray for you.

bwalkerletters replied: Well, Gwen, sorry to hear about all of this. I went through something similar, but hopefully you and your DH can make things work. Definitely, go to counseling, because for one reason, you'll have a little peace in your heart if you CAN'T work things out. At least you can look back and know that both of you tried. I would definitely go...........As far as Jayme, you're right, she is young enough to where she won't know any different later on, but I do hope things will work out for the 2 of you.

Jamielou replied: I agree if he doesnt pay for anything why should you leave, as for child support he will have to pay 21%of his gross income for one child and so on for more kids. I dont think the man should have to pay so much that he cant live, but i do think they should have to do their part (or women) either way i think it should be 50/50. Hopefully you two will be able to get past the anger and be civil. At least be able to raise the kids together. Maybe he is just angry because he feels rejected and he will slack off when he calms down. How old are your children?

gr33n3y3z replied: Get your lawyer and let him/her deal with it
dont worry bc any money he takes out he will have to put back in
But make sure you get that lawyer call in today
Good Luck

bwalkerletters replied: If it is over, I would take half of the money from your joint account and open your own bank account somewhere.

jem0622 replied: I am sorry for what you are going through. My sister divorced a man like this after being with him for 12 yrs, only married for a few years, and they have an 11 yr old son. Lots of P&PT for you.

My2Beauties replied: I'm with Jason, take half that money and put it into another bank account under your name. That isn't right that he will just drain it out

JAYMESMOM replied: Quick update - I will post full later. I consultated with the lawyer yesterday and go today at 5pm to put down my 2500 retainer. Since legally until I file I can't make him give me money, kick him out, or stop him from taking my daughter and not bringing her back.

Normally I would say he wouldn't do that but he is already using his son (my step-son) to try and control me.

My lawyer said until I file make sure I always have her and then he can't take her.

I do not want to keep her from him but with his family influence and issues(another story all together) they would talk him into anything.


I am also so lost spiritually. I left a message with my assistant pastor to call me yesterday at 11:30 am. I haven't gotten a call back. I also had emailed the youth pastor on monday (since I normally work in Kydz church) and no email, call. I feel so abdonded by my church I don't think I can go back.

The one thing I do know is that God has not abdoned me and as long as I keep my eyes on him he will get me thru.

The hardest part is I still love the man I married. This is not the man I am married to now.

Jamielou replied: I am so sorry i know how it feels my ex-husband changed totally after we married and it was hard with a small child because i would look at my daughter who was 1 at the time and i felt so sorry for having to put her through that i wanted her to have both of us but we just couldnt work it out. But carley turned out just fine and we made it without him (it was actually pretty peaceful)there to fight with constantly. I was still in love with the old person i married not who he became. I think you will be just fine hang in there. How is Jayme doing with this?

JAMIE

jcc64 replied: I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time. I guess I couldn't really tell from your post if you've been having thoughts of splitting up for awhile, or if this is kind of sudden. I also really don't have a clear picture of what is at the center of your discontent.
Divorce, particularly involving children, is always a wrenching, overwhelming experience. It seems to me you're moving pretty quickly and impulsively, which is common when you're so angry, but maybe not the best course of action when dealing with something so important. Could you maybe first try a trial separation, maybe you or he could stay with relatives or friends for a week or 2 and see how you feel after that? As the others have suggested, could you go to couples counseling with a therapist or even your pastor?
As for the money stuff and the lawyers and the credit cards, these sorts of things the 2 of you are engaging in are always indirect ways of avenging hurt or angry feelings, but could quickly result in long lasting financial devastation for the both of you, which is not gonna be good for your daughter. Could you at least get together with a mediator and figure out how to financially disentangle yourselves without the lawyers fanning the flames? It seems to me there's got to be a less destructive way of handling it than immediately declaring bankruptcy and retaining a lawyer.
Best of luck to you. I'm sorry you are struggling, and I hope it works out the way you want it to.

ian'smommy replied: Sorry to hear that you haven't gotten a call from your pastor. Keep trying to get in touch. Sometimes they have a lot on their plate and forget to return phone calls. Because of this, I have taken the time to actually go to the church and catch them sitting in their office. Do you know what days they are there? I'd keep trying or find another church and start attending their. Then you can talk to the pastor of that church instead.
Yes, I agree... God has not abandoned you. He will be with you through the whole thing.

JAYMESMOM replied: In response to the question if this was sudden. I have been having thoughts for several months but kept hoping it would get better. Hoping he would stay the person I married and not revert back to his old behaviour (before us-when he was with his ex-wife) I actually feel like a fool now because I believed he wanted to change. I believed he wanted to be a better person but I guess it is easier to be a bad person.

This was not an easy decision for me but in Michigan there is no such thing as a legal seperation. He won't give me any money or promise to bring Jayme back if he takes her so filing a divorce is the only option to protect Jayme and myself.

The good thing is is ex-wife has reassured me that Nicholas will not be yanked from us. I know that was one of my biggest fears and for my parents. We all love him like he is ours from birth.

The man I am married to now is so full of hate and anger and resent that he is letting others fill his head with nonsense and garbage and influence him. I cannot live with constant fighting.

Jayme and Nicholas are strong and will make it thru. Nicholas's mother and I are talking about getting Nicholas some counseling. He had a tough situation before with two families now he will have 3. I just keep taking one hour at a time.

They are devasted we have to get rid of the dog. Food for them or the dog? The kids come first.

I am just glad to have my supportive family, co-workers and friends. I never seen myself as a single parent but I will do whatever it takes for my children to live a happy, healthy life.

bwalkerletters replied: Well, Gwen, your lawyer is right about not letting him take the kids. Until visitation is set up in writing, he has just as much right to him as you. You have a right to keep them during this time, but see what your lawyer says about setting some time up for him to be able to meet you in a public place somewhere so he can at least see his kids. My ex and I ran into that situation when we split up, but I wouldn't meet in a public place because if a woman makes a scene then it makes the man look bad. But in your case, you are the woman, so honestly, you have control of the situation. Do what you need to do to make sure you are proving to the courts that you are a great mother, but in the same matter, prove that you will be willing to work with your DH. Talk to you lawyer about all of this though.

JAYMESMOM replied:
I have tried to work out time with him to see Jayme. I have called him every night so he can talk to her. He told me that he is not going to set up any visitation with me because he doesn't have to let me tell him when and where to be.

He wants me to leave the house this weekend. Jayme and I were supposed to go up north originally. Then I thought I may still go but with the way he is acitng I am in fear of leaving her with him. Since he could go and I couldn't stop hiim.

I want him to see his daughter. I want him to take responsiblity. I want him to take care of her and do things for her. Unfortunately now this will be the only way he will do it.

I want what is best and I have moved from the anger and will not let him get me mad anymore and he realizes it and it makes him upset.

moped replied: Oh Gwen - I am sorry to hear all this..................and jumping in a little late. You are right to do what you have to do for Jayme.....she is most important here - and I am sure she and you will be fine. Please take care of bot of you!

HUGS

akbutterfly83 replied:
Just a segestion(sp?)... take some out and make a new account... so you have a saftey egg... I know it's mean... but you need to have something......

I'm sorry other then that I don't know what to do.... I am having some problems with my DH too... and in the past week even thought about devorce.....

Hope everything get's better for you....

JAYMESMOM replied: I went and filled out all the forms with the lawyer last night and they will be filed at the court house today. If all goes well and the judges are in chambers then he will be served this weekend.

I told Nicholas (my step-son) along with his mom and step-dad, last night, that Jim and I are splitting up. He was upset at first but once we reassured him that he will always be loved by everyone and he would still see his dad, He was okay.

He did ask if he could get a four wheeler and who my new husband was going to be or who his dad's new wife would be.

I feel so bad that he has this screwed up view of marriage from all that has happened.

The sad thing in all of this is he knew without asking that I was going no where yet because Jim doesn't spend enough time with him he thought he was going somewhere.

He is very smart for his age and logically thinks things thru (maybe too much). We are going to get him in counseling and that will help him alot.

I am doing better today but am taking one day at a time.

Jamielou replied: I just wanted to see how you are?

JAYMESMOM replied: Well here goes! Sorry if its long.

Yesterday in the day was for crap. He took 500.00 from the bank account (300 which is outstanding for checks.) Then he demanded his daughter. She was with my sister for the day (had been planned for a month.) I told him I don't have to tell you she is safe. That set him off. He called his ex and me full of anger, etc. He then found out when he picked his son up from school that we had told Nick about us divorcing. He was livid and didn't think it was Nick's mothers or my place. OH WELL!! Be responsible.

I knew from my parents who live next door to us that he was at the house with his sister-in-law. What she was for I don't really know (he says just for support) I was sick going home not knowing what I was walking into but with a peace from God that he will protect and guide me.

When I got home she left and I started dinner for Jayme (and Nick if he was going to let him eat there-which he did.) he did help with part of dinner. While the kids were eating he told me about what he did at the bank. I wouldn't get angry. He said he wants to work this out if possible and if not divorce peacably. I told him that is what I want but I will not be stupid. I feel like I have been violated(Financially)

So after 6 hours last night I got him to agree to being served. Doing a temporary agreement (if possible without going to court) and having my lawyer file it with the judge and seek marriage counseling with a 6 month time frame. I know that 6 months is not long enough to restore what was lost but will show us if it is possible. The law requires we wait 6 months anyways due to Jayme. I will get a second job so I can have money for myself as he will have money left over after giving me his portion towards the bills. That will require he watch her on the weekends if I have to work. I explained I will not feel financially unstable again.

I was 1 1/2 late for work today because he wanted to talk this morning. My boss understands we are officially closed and I just catch up on paperwork. Right now I am waiting for a call from my lawyer to see what we can do.


I am sleeping in Nick's room and have given him the bed. The hardest thing for him right now I think is the intamcy. I have told him that will be the last thing restored. I can't sleep in the same bed, kiss, see each other naked, etc. I think that hurts him the most but I told him emotionally I am closed down there. I have my own insecurites about my body that I don't feel he looks past anymore and sees me for me.

He did go see 2 lawyers and was confirmed that he is financially responsible so I think that woke him up a bit and made him see things clearer.

I told him before we sit down and tear into everything we need to get the temporary agreement into place.

I may not be on much. But will be back Monday when I get to work.

Oh yeah by the way - I am having an affair with you guys, LMAO

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I'm sorry sweetie, I don't know what to say. I really have never experienced divorce in my family, or within my own relationship. So the whole things boggles my mind and I don't want to give any wrong advice. But I do know that you are a strong person and that you will find a way through this. You are a great mother. Take care of yourself and Jayme.

ian'smommy replied: I haven't experienced divorce in my family either. Friends of mine got divorved 2 years ago but they didn't have kids.
Since I haven't experienced it really, one way or another, I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking about you and will keep you in my prayers...

JAYMESMOM replied: This weekend went better than I anticipated. He has been on his best behaviour and even took care of his financial responsibilites and gave me money to go shopping. Of couse I spent most of it on the family but did get a few things for myself.

I feel bad for being cautious. Constantly watching. I don't want him to think I don't trust him but yet I don't know if I can this soon.

I feel guilty for retaining the lawyer but how was I supposed to know he would snap out of it. I guess somethings you can't change and you can just go forward. I plan to find a marriage counselor today and get him set up for individual counseling. There are issues he has that even I can't help him fix. He needs someone on the outside to help him understand those.

The kids were thrilled to have daddy around and he has already been put on the waiting list for a local job thru his company. That is my #1 stipulation. We can't live like this. For those that can I give them credit.

Thanks for all your support and prayers.

amymom replied: I have no advice. Just best wishes, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

ian'smommy replied: Happy to hear that things have improved a little for the moment. I hoep this continues for you.

Jamielou replied: I am glad things are looking better for you and the kids I hope it stays that way..