Always at the Breast

Jordon and Lisa wrote: I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for my wife. Our 9 day old son doesn't want to leave her arms or breasts from 4pm to 1 am...I mean, he will fall asleep at her breast, but if she passes him to me, or puts him down, he cries.

I know that you can't spoil a baby, and we both want to give him everything we can, but my poor wife is falling asleep at the wheel so to speak. Are there any ways to allow her to sleep while he is with her? I think that his need at this time is normal, but it is defintely taking it's toll. Perhaps it's just a matter of getting used to it, but I feel so bad. All I can do is offer footrubs, constant food and water, and support.

Any advice? Anyone else go through this?

jolene555 replied: oh i remember that! at about a week old my daughter would not stop nursing. poor thing acted like she was starving. she would fall asleep nursing and if she woke up she wanted right back at it.

it does just take getting used to. tell your poor wife that his appetite will slow down in a few days. you'll see another burst of hunger at 3 weeks, i think? i got to the point where i nearly always nursed lying down. i would lie on my side and have her sort of football hold in arms. this way i could sleep and so could she.

also, i don't know what your sleeping arrangements are. we had planned on having her sleep in a cradle in the room with us. yeah right!! that lasted about an hour and we've co-slept ever since. i know barry detested it. i think some hubbies might see it as an intrusion, but co-sleeping saved my sanity as a nursing mother. it is the only way i got to sleep.

kit_kats_mom replied: I remember those days all too well. UGH! It can be so hard. Kudos to your wife for breastfeeding and to you too for supporting her.

We ended up co-sleeping because it really was so much easier to just pop a breast into her mouth and go to sleep rather than try to stay up all night with her. It may be worth a shot.

Here is a link to Dr. Sears' website. He discusses co-sleeping safety, benefits etc and also breastfeeding. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp

If it helps any, my DD was out of our bed (still in our bedroom) but out of our bed at 18 months. she is in her own room now at 2.

Mom2Boyz replied: I feel for your wife!!! Poor thing
Conner was the same way at first. It seemed like I was nursing him 24/7. At 9 days old, they're both still figuring out the whole breastfeeding thing though. As soon as they both get really good at it things will be much easier!!! I agree with the others too, it is much easier to cosleep. That way when he wakes up she doesn't have to drag herself out of bed to feed him, he's already right there. I hope things get easier for all of you soon.

coasterqueen replied: What you and your wife is going through is perfectly normal. Think of it this way...your baby was all warm and snug in your wife's womb and now all of a sudden he's outside not as warm and snug as he used to be so he wants to be held constantly. Normal ...but can be tiring, lol. Are you swaddling him in a blanket when you lay him down? That might help...but it might not too. My DD was like this as well. She needed to be held constantly. They do get over it sooner or later . Trust me.

As far as the nursing aspect of it. Your baby is going to go through many growth spurts over the next few weeks/months. Those are times baby will want to feed constantly and can be very tiring and stressful. Cosleeping does help a lot but what also helps is knowing that they WILL go through these spurts and you WILL get through them...they won't last forever...like I thought. ROFL .

Here's a mother of all links regarding the first few weeks of breastfeeding that will help you out: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/start/basics/index.html

All the links in that link above will give you some GREAT information for surviving and understanding BF in the first weeks/months.

Here's also one detailed link on growth spurts for you to browse: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/normal/growth-spurt.html

HTH!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I remember those first 2 weeks after Claudia was born, she was eating all the time. She hadn't latched on yet, but I couldn't pump fast enough to keep up with her. It was a very stressful time. My advice would be to get her to wake him up more during the day for feedings and to sleep (during the day) when the baby is sleeping! Tell her not to worry about the housework or laundry, just to take care of herself and the baby! It will get easier!

kimberley replied: yup, it is normal. there are other ways to help her out. let her lay in bed to nurse but when baby is done, you can rock him and change him to give her a break. even 20 minutes feels great when you haven't slept. she will also get more used to sleeping while nursing. it takes a while, but when you are tired, you'll sleep. good luck and keep us posted.

Jordon and Lisa replied: Thanks so much everyone.
Your suggestions are really helpful. My wife and I are completely dedicated to breast feeding, having been convinced of it's benifits years ago, and are going to do everything we can to make it work. The only setback for us has been that she had a C-section, which had made the side lying position (until last night!) impossible. But we tried it last night, and it worked like a charm. Other than that, little Parker came out suckin' like a pro!
And we also plan on co-sleeping. I'm defintely not one of those dads who minds, in fact, I love it. He has to be a on my wifes side though, as I'm too deep a sleeper and a mover to feel comfortable just yet having him next to me.

It's really really great to hear from others who've been through this, so that I can reasure my wife that not only is this normal, but it too will pass. I can't thank you all enough!

Oh, and the Kelly Mom link is the best!!!! THX! (what did neurotic dads DO before the Internet? )

coasterqueen replied: Oh good I'm so glad the links and info we provided you will help. Just know we are here for you any time . It's great to have that support system to help. I know it helped for me and still does.

jolene555 replied: i'm glad you are going to try co-sleeping. barry was a very heavy sleeper, as well. it made me worry like you wouln't believe. i found this product in a magazine, and although we could not afford it at the time (it's like $50) i made a makeshift one and it worked like a charm.

the link is:
http://www.onestepahead.com/product/27203/217761/117.html

Kaitlin'smom replied: well you have already gottne some great advice. I just want to offer more support and i to remember the first few months I slept with her in order to feed on demand, I did have the snugglie that is pictures but I hated the thing and found I was better with out it. The way I transistiond her to her own crib was to swaddle her she love that and slept better in such a huge space, I eventually got back to my own bed.

Jordon and Lisa replied: You all have been so helpful!

Things are changing everday. Yesterday he wasn't nearly as demanding as today. However, as a Dad, I have new problems (of course, right?). My mother-in-law, who I love very much, is with us for a few weeks, and I'm sort of concerned on the impact she's having on my wife. Before she came, I felt, and my wife felt that when he got fussy, and started rooting and crying, he should eat. He is too young to want much else (besides holding). But now, my Mother in law has sort of convinced my wife that sometimes he should just cry it out. Like right now while I write this for instance. He's been crying for about 5 minitues.

I don't want to get in there and tell my wife what to do, because he just fed about an hour ago, but, he's a growing baby! And it seems like babies need to eat often. I don't think my mother in law, who bottlefed, understands this.

How can I help in this situtation without telling my wife how to treat my baby?

kit_kats_mom replied: Sounds to me like that baby is hungry or at least needs to be held. Phooey on the MIL.

This months Parents magazine has an article on how to deal with in laws. It sounds like you may be leaning towards AP parenting (which is described on that Dr. Sears website above) but your wife is being swayed by her mom's more old fashioned ideas.

I'd reccomend asking your wife to read a bit about AP parenting on the website. You can find descriptions of it and pros/cons here: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130100.asp.
Here is a link about handling criticizim: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051000.asp
And here is one about letting babies cry it out (CIO): If nothing else, ask her to read this.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t051200.asp#t051205

You should both famaliarize yourselves with the other styles as well. I am a bit of an AP advocate since it has worked so well for us but I do know about the other styles as well.

Discuss the different parenting styles with your wife and try to come up with a happy medium. You two are the parents and coming up with complimentary parenting styles can be a sticky issue. However, both of your parents should be understanding and supportive of whatever style of parenting you choose. I understand that some are not (my in-laws for example...who I currently despise ) and in those cases, you and your wife need to show a united front and just let the in laws know that you guys are prepared to agree to disagree but that since the baby is yours, you will raise it the way you two see fit.

My mom actually bought a copy of Dr. Sears' "the baby book" and read it cover to cover. She now understands our parenting style and even though she may not agree with all of it, she is very supportive. Doesn't hurt that my DD is a charming toddler

kit_kats_mom replied: Ok, cant help myself. I'm copying some of the text from the CIO link that i posted just so you don't have to go look for it yourself. Print it out and ask your wife to read it and if she feels comfortable to share parts of it with her mom. It really bothers me to hear about new babies crying it out. I know deep down that it won't kill them or anything but it just makes my heart hurt thinking about it.
Also, CIO is a very charged issue, one that I've seen many heated debates about. Please no one flame me, this is just what I found helpful. especially inthose early months.


The cry is not just a sound; it's a signal – designed for the survival of the baby and development of the parents. By not responding to the cry, babies and parents lose. Here's why. In the early months of life, babies cannot verbalize their needs. To fill in the gap until the child is able to "speak our language," babies have a unique language called "crying." Baby senses a need, such as hunger for food or the need to be comforted when upset, and this need triggers a sound we call a cry. Baby does not ponder in his little mind, "It's 3:00 a.m. and I think I'll wake up mommy for a little snack." No! That faulty reasoning is placing an adult interpretation on a tiny infant. Also, babies do not have the mental acuity to figure out why a parent would respond to their cries at three in the afternoon, but not at three in the morning. The newborn who cries is saying: "I need something; something is not right here. Please make it right."

At the top of the list of unhelpful advice – one that every new parent is bound to hear – is "Let your baby cry-it-out." To see how unwise and unhelpful is this advice, let's analyze each word in this mother-baby connection- interfering phrase.

"Let your baby." Some third-party advisor who has no biological connection to your baby, no knowledge or investment in your baby, and isn't even there at 3:00 a.m. when your baby cries, has the nerve to pontificate to you how to respond to your baby's cries.

The cry is a marvelous design. Consider what might happen if the infant didn't cry. He's hungry, but doesn't awaken ("He sleeps through the night," brags the parent of a sleep-trained baby). He hurts, but doesn't let anyone know. The result of this lack of communication is known, ultimately, as "failure to thrive." "Thriving" means not only getting bigger, but growing to your full potential emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

"Cry…" Not only is the cry a wonderful design for babies; it is a useful divine design for parents, especially the mother. When a mother hears her baby cry, the blood flow to her breasts increases, accompanied by the biological urge to "pick up and nurse" her baby. ("Nurse" means comforting, not just breastfeeding.) As an added biological perk, the maternal hormones released when baby nurses relax the mother, so she gives a less tense and more nurturing response to her infant's needs. These biological changes – part of the design of the mother-baby communication network – explain why it's easy for someone else to advise you to let your baby cry, but difficult for you to do. That counterproductive advice is not biologically correct.

"It…" Consider what exactly is the "it" in "cry-it-out": an annoying habit? Unlikely, since babies don't enjoy crying. And, contrary to popular thought, crying is not "good for baby's lungs." That belief is not physiologically correct. The "it" is an emotional or physical need. Something is not right and the only way baby has of telling us this is to cry, pleading with us to make it right. Early on, consider baby's cry as signaling a need – communication rather than manipulation.

Parent tip: Babies cry to communicate – not manipulate

"Out" What actually goes "out" of a baby, parents, and the relationship when a baby is left to cry-it-out? Since the cry is a baby's language, a communication tool, a baby has two choices if no one listens. Either he can cry louder, harder, and produce a more disturbing signal or he can clam up and become a "good baby" (meaning "quiet"). If no one listens, he will become a very discouraged baby. He'll learn the one thing you don't want him to: that he can't communicate.

Baby loses trust in the signal value of his cry – and perhaps baby also loses trust in the responsiveness of his caregivers. Not only does something vital go "out" of baby, an important ingredient in the parent- child relationship goes "out" of parents: sensitivity. When you respond intuitively to your infant's needs, as you practice this cue- response listening skill hundreds of times in the early months, baby learns to cue better (the cries take on a less disturbing and more communicative quality as baby learns to "talk better"). On the flip side of the mother-infant communication, you learn to read your infant's cries and respond appropriately (meaning when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and how fast). In time you learn the ultimate in crying sensitivity: to read baby's body language and respond to her pre-cry signals so baby doesn't always have to cry to communicate her needs.

What happens if you "harden your heart," view the cry as a control rather than a communication tool and turn a deaf ear to baby's cries? When you go against your basic biology, you desensitize yourself to your baby's signals and your instinctive responses. Eventually, the cry doesn't bother you. You lose trust in your baby's signals, and you lose trust in your ability to understand baby's primitive language. A distance develops between you and your baby and you run the risk of becoming what pediatricians refer to as a doctor-tell-me-what-to-do. You listen to a book instead of your baby. So, not listening and responding sensitively to baby's cries is a lose-lose situation: Baby loses trust in caregivers and caregivers lose trust in their own sensitivity.

Mother loses trust in herself. To illustrate how a mother can weaken her God- given sensitivity when she lets herself be less discerning about parenting advice; a sensitive veteran mother recently shared this story with us:

"I went to visit my friend who just had a baby. While we were talking, her three-week-old started crying in another room. The baby kept crying, harder and louder. I was getting increasingly driven to go comfort the baby. Her baby's cries didn't bother her, but they bothered me. My breasts almost started to leak milk! Yet, my friend seemed oblivious to her baby's signals. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and I said, 'It's okay, go attend to your baby. We can talk later.' Matter-of-factly she replied, 'No, it's not time yet for his feeding.' Incredulous, I asked, 'Mary, where on earth did you get that harmful advice?' 'From a baby-training class at church,' she proudly insisted. 'I want my baby to learn I'm in control, not him.'"

This novice mother, wanting to do the best for her baby and believing she was being a good mother, had allowed herself to succumb to uncredentialed prophets of bad parenting advice and was losing her God-given sensitivity to her baby. She was starting her parenting career with a distance developing between her and her baby. The pair was becoming disconnected.

jolene555 replied: oh no! i cannot imagine letting a baby less than 2 weeks old cry it out. oh, my heart breaks just thinking about it. he's far too young to understand what's going on. all he knows is that he wants or needs something and he wants/needs it NOW. if your mil only bottle fed then she most defiantely would not be an expert in the situation. breast feeding on demand is exactly that - when he demands it, you feed him.

Jordon and Lisa replied: All of the above is how I feel, and I'm am gently (so as not to upset her too much) letting my wife know that as well. There are times when baby just needs a little suck, so we'll hold him and give him a finger, but there are times I can tell he just wants to eat. I'm sure part of it is that my wife had a C-section, her back is killing her, and it's hard for her to hold the baby so much to feed. Belive me, right now, at times, I wish I had the breasts so I could help out...why didn't nature work it out that way?

But, my wife hates hearing the baby cry as well, and I know she'll never be able to let the baby 'cry it out'. I just want to try to not let it get the the crying at all if possible. I feel that then the baby will learn that he needs to cry to get what he wants or needs, and won't have his needs met unless he does.

It is very delicate for me. My wife is great, and a great mom, and loves her baby very much. She also needs a rest once and a while. I try to help her by saying it won't last forever, that we just need to get through this, but that is all 'a little easy for me to say', you know?

There is so much for the three of us to learn, and I'm not about to let the MIL get in the way of that, especially since I don't subscribe to many of the things that generation learned.

Again, thanks everyone for the advice. This is a great place!!!!

MommyToAshley replied:
Good for you!
Sorry I am a little late responding to your post, but I just wanted to say that you have the right attitude! This probably won't be the first time that you will get unsolicited advice from parents, in-laws, and even strangers. You'll also find conflicting advice from "experts'. After hours, days, and weeks agonizing over what is the best thing to do for my child, I learned to trust my instincts. And, it looks like you have already learned this, so you and your wife are off to a great start! I could never let my daughter CIO (cry it out) at any age, let alone at 2 weeks old.

Not to get into a CIO debate, but whenever I think of CIO I remember a news story I saw. They showed an orphanage in which all the babies were laying in their cribs, completely quiet. The babies had learned that no one cared when they cried so why even bother crying. It just broke my heart and I think of this every time I hear the words "Cry It Out". I know that not all cases are this extreme and it works for some parents, but I just can't get that picture out of my mind.



Keep us posted on how you are doing, and keep those pictures of Parker coming!

Jordon and Lisa replied: Thanks again everyone.

You were all right! Parker is doing great, and every day is different. Some days he follows a pretty even schedule, some days he wants Mom's breast all day. But, he is so great, and is feeding very very well. We are co-sleeping, which works out wonderfully!!!

It's only a little over three weeks, and we are already getting huge smiles from him, which melt me to a warm puddle each and every time.
I'll post a new picture soon.

Thanks again!

kimberley replied: aww i can't wait to see pics of those beautiful smiles! glad things are going so well. keep us updated when you can

MomToMany replied: I'm so sorry I missed this post the first time.

I'm so glad the breastfeeding is working out for you guys! That's awesome !!

Sounds like your getting settled into your roles as parents really well.

Congratulations again!