ADVICE NEEDED - Agressive boy

momannabelle wrote: Hello. I am looking for advice from other parents experienced in raising a strong-willed boy. My son, Tyler is 3. A little background on him. He is ALL boy, very active, very loving, and quite aggressive, especially with kids his age. He is also quite smart. He displays behavior such as taking toys from others and pushing, and sometimes hitting. Where this concerns us the most is in preschool. The problem is that we cannot get through to him that this behavior is NOT acceptable. Before I say this next thing, I do want to say that my husband and I are not in denial regarding his actions. We are fairly strict parents, however, Tyler has had a certain amount of freedom and has therefore learned a lot of independence. With that said, we do believe that T is really a sweet boy at heart and that his actions are not intended to be maliscious or cruel. I am afraid that we will have to take him out of pre-school if we cannot help him to understand his behavior and control his emotions. Like I said, any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

my2monkeyboys replied: Welcome to the boards!! Glad to meet you.

What kind of discipline/punishment does he receive when he does something bad like that? Is it the same at school and at home, or do you tend to overlook it a bit more at home?
Don't worry... a lot of kids this age are like this... it's just a matter of figuring out what works for each one to make them stop.

hawkshoe replied: I too am wondering what kind of discipline he is getting at home and is it consistant? It sounds like maybe he is getting away with things at home but at preschool it isn't acceptable. It is important that both his home and preschool are on the same page. You might consider discussing this issue with the teacher or director of the preschool and working out a solution together.

C&K*s Mommie replied: to the PC boards!

You cannot stop a moving train. That is to say that you keep on keeping on, keep on trying to instill in him that hitting is not acceptable, nor is pushing or taking toys from others without asking. It will eventually sink in, as long as you are consistent with it.

I cannot expect my child's school to utilize the same form of punishment as I do at home, because it varies with different misbehaviours.

I would find out what your child's preschool is doing to cut-off the misbehavior on their end when it happens. HOWEVER, the bulk of the remedy will come from your home, so keep on being consistent with teaching him right from wrong.

Cece00 replied: I'm having a lot of the same problems with my 3.5 yr old in preschool. He isnt all that aggressive (though he has been at time, rarely) but he has a lot of trouble with self control/sitting still, etc. He is more well behaved at home, we're very consistent with discipline; but at preschool, there is basically no form of discipline (they can not even utilize time outs...) and I'm having a very hard time controlling him & making him understand that its NOT ok to act up in class. He is a smart kid, and quickly figures out if someone will let him get away with misbehaving or not. I have also considered pulling him from preschool, but I hate to do that because I want him to learn how to behave in a class setting. He will go into PreK in August, so I am reluctant to take him out of preschool b/c I think he needs to get used to a class/classmates/teachers, but at the same time, I cant have him acting up in class.

I just keep at it every day, trying to get him to understand how to act in his class, in hopes that he will get it eventually.

momannabelle replied: Thank you for your responses. At home, if he is playing too rough with myself or my husband, the first time he gets a stern warning and if it happens again, standing with nose in the corner. The problem is not lack of social interaction. I have been involved in a Mother's club since we moved to Florida almost 2 yrs ago. I am at playgroups at least twice a week if not more. Our discipline is mostly consistent, though can be lacking at times, with new little sister in the house. It just occurred to me that that is probably a part of the issues. Maggie was born just 3 weeks b4 he started school. He is unbelievably kind and gentle with her. The BEST big brother. He has really surprised me with his love and kindness towards her. However, perhaps he is displaying the typical emotions of jealousy outside the home rather than towards his sister??? Never thought of it that way. Anyhow, my hubbie and I are cracking down and will treat every day as a school day(he only goes for 3 half days). We will have morning and afternoon lessons, with MUCH less TV and I will be trying to focus some more of my time and energy and PATIENCE on Tyler. Also, Tyler is also very active and has a hard time sitting still etc. His schools form of discipline is a smiley face sticker for the day if all is well, and every Friday they get to pick from treasure box. The first time in trouble is name on the board. 2nd time is name again and no treasure box. I agree that consistency will work, I just have to keep telling myself that. I remember not too long ago asking my mom if she went through some of this with me, and if she did then I know that we both survived it and Tyler and I can too!!! I love my son to pieces. I just don't want him to be the bully.

jacobsmama replied: Well Hi and welcome to PC! I read all the replies and Agree but then I read yours and wanted to say!


Girl...............You already know what to do...You just need support! And we are here. It isn't gonna be easy but you can do it! He will get it!

Sakeloonie replied: I feel like I could've written these posts as we are having the same issues with Lance (who is four) in junior kindergarten. His teacher admits none of his actions are malicious, just "silliness". Our family is very playful at home, and we're working daily to try to teach him that silly is ok at home, not at school. I'm just so sad because she's telling us the other kids are shunning him because he's not behaving properly - to be honest, it's breaking my heart. I hope we all find our ways to guide our little ones, sounds like we all just need to hang in there.

Dee

momannabelle replied: Dee, I feel the SAME way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It absolutely breaks my heart. I always feel like T is the only one getting in trouble, the only 3 yr old who has ever acted like this!!!! We were actualluy at the park last week and he was playing with some friends. Well, all his friends had sticks and were starting to get rough with them and for ONCE, my son was innocent. I can't tell you how good I felt!!!

I gotta go get my coffee now. I just want to say that I am so glad that I joined these boards. You all are sooooo helpful and kind. Thank you

Boo&BugsMom replied: Are you making sure you are teaching him HOW to respond verses telling him how NOT to respond? Meaning, kids gets things easier when you tell them what they should do verses what not to do. When he hits, sit him down and go over how he SHOULD act/react instead of just telling him the behavior is unacceptable. Ask him what he thinks he could have done to make a good choice, not a bad choice. Ask him for examples of what he can do from now on in those situations. Role playing always helps. Give him scenerios and help him make good choices so when he is faced with them at school he will know what to do and think twice about acting on his impulses. Also explain WHY it's not acceptable. Kids like explanation. Also, make sure he is made to say sorry whenever something happens that he is responsible for...the child he was mean to, the teacher for making her upset, etc. Children need to always say sorry, it teaches them remorse and humbles them. Good luck.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Oh, I'd also like to add that we have these same issues with our 4 year old son. Boys will be boys, so don't think it's just yours. I totally believe that some of it just has to do with being a boy.

momannabelle replied: WOW!! What good advice. Hadn't thought of it that way!!! Thank you so much. He is always made to apologize, always. Looking at what you've said, I realize that we have gotten into a rut of saying "That's unacceptable" or "we don't treat people that way". Don't "they" say that positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative.

Dee, As I was walking T to his class today, a boy in his class with his mother was behing us and I heard him talking about Tyler saying that T is the bad boy. My heart literally broke right there, and it was all I could do to hold in the tears!! Now I know how you feel.

Thanks a gain for the helpful thoughts and encouragement.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
Totally understandable. We all get in ruts. At least you see an issue and want to resolve it. I have worked with some parents (as a taecher and manager in preschools and daycares) that think their children can do no wrong. Also remember, that almost all of us with boys are probably dealing with this kind of issue as well, or have at one time. I have also found that the 3 year old stage is probably the hardest in the pre-k years. 4 gets a bit better, so you have that to look forward to . That little boy who was talking to his mom is probably not the best behaved boy all the time either! Just be consistant and stay patient, even though it can be hard to at times!

Sakeloonie replied: Everyone's in bed, now is my me time. I'm so sorry you overheard those people talking, I know how much it must've hurt.

Lance actually had a good day in school today! We had high fives and tens all around, he was so excited. I hope we're turning a corner. Also, we live in an apartment building, and our laundry room has an informal tenants' library where we drop off books we're done with for others to use. Imagine my suprise when I checked the shelf today and found a book titled "How to behave so your children will too". I sure snatched it up fast, I will let you know what I learn from it.

Your children are just beautiful, I saw them in your HI post.

Hang in there and know you aren't alone.

Dee

Oh, and here's a picture of my little guy with his grandpa who visited us last week