In this groundbreaking interview by Tracey Smith, we are delighted to bring you the story of Baby Crystal, as he prepares for his entrance into the world. Mom Crystal gives us comment on the story too.
TS: So, Baby Crystal, thank you first of all for agreeing to do this Ė I am sure our readers will be hanging on your every word.
BC: Youíre welcome! Just call me BC. I have sure been called a few strange names since I moved in here - what a neighbourhood - as for the interview think nothing of it. I mean to be honest with you, it gets a bit boring, just swimming about in all this amniotic fluid. Some days, the most fun I have is deciding which organ to kick box Ė itís tough in here Ė Iím enjoying the break from routine.
TS: Thank you BC! Could you tell us about your earliest memories here?
BC: Well, I have a vague recollection of the cell-split time. I mean there was such a lot going on. One minute, there was 2 of me, then 4 and 8 and before I knew it, I was like this huge blob of blobs. Next thing I know, I got a head that looks like something outta Jurassic Park and Iím doing the breaststroke. I had a lot of development issues at that time too. It was very emotional for me Ė Iím a bit divided over it.
TS: I see. Moving on to your accommodation. What is it like in there?
BC: Ah, this place really is a womb with a view! I love it here, mostly. The heating has been playing up a little lately, but on the whole, itís been nice. Iím running out of room to put my stuff now and I have been rearranging the furniture a little to make the most of the space. To be honest, thereís not much I can do. The landlady gets a bit heavy about me shifting stuff Ė especially when I start doing it late at night Ė I think itís a noise issue. Anyway, Iím shipping up and moving on soon. Iíll take a fresh look at things then. I got my placenta all packed; we are ready to roll.
TS: Do you have any favourite foods?
BC: Ohh food Ė now you are talking my language! I love the stuff. I have to say, each day is an adventure. I never know whatís coming next. Itís like being blindfolded at a Jewish wedding buffet table. I have been sending memos up to the brain with a few room service requirements. Dad makes a great baked potato with peanut butter. Donít think much of that salsa stuff mom had recently and I told her as much too! That heartburn HAD to hurt! She wonít be doing that again Ďtill after Iíve moved out. Oh man, you should have heard the racket going off in the tummy! I could barely sleep.
TS: What is your sleeping pattern like?
BC: Well, it all depends. If Iím awake when she is getting the groceries in or whatever, believe me, itís no time for a baby to be awake. I get travelsick too, so itís better to settle down and go with the flow. I can push up the zzz's at the drop of a hat. I find it easier to get up once she lies still! Have you any idea how hard it is trying to move about when you got all these organs encroaching on your space? Once, I moved up to the lungs for a breather, I just had to put my foot down. Actually, right aboutÖ..thereÖ.(points).
Mom: ďOUCHĒ, oh that little one is right under my ribs again. Are you playing blow soccer in there or what?
BC: Hehe, she hates that. Well, itís not my fault Iím getting so big Ė it must be the stuff sheís feeding me!
TS: Do you have any recollection of the scans?
BC: Scans, scans? Ah, yeah! That will be the day I felt like I was laying on a photocopier, am I right? It was not too bad Ė wasnít noisy or anything, but I felt like a tin of sliced peaches that wouldnít go through at the checkout Ė back and forward, back and forward she was buzziní me. I just looked out at the light and gesticulated a lot Ė I think they got the message.
TS: When are you moving into your next apartment?
BC: Actually, I had a note from the landlady; itís pinned up over there on the kidney. Says I gotta be cleared outta here by the 10th of the month. I have to be honest with you - I think itís unreasonable! I got rights. I have been here for nearly a year now, surely she canít just kick me out on the streets. I have spoken to my attorney and I think I might be sitting it out for a while. Just until I get fixed up elsewhere. I am going to do a protest march later on her pelvic floor to make my point.
TS: What do you think you will say to the landlady when you finally meet?
BC: Actually, I heard sheís got a place way down the dark hallway there, round the corner somewhere. I was thinking, I might just head on over and have a word. But every time I set off, itís like the walls come closing in on me. In fact, thatís been happening a lot lately Ė I think this place has a structural problem. The water works are going 24/7, thereís a constant gushing noise going on Ė the bladder is putting in for overtime this month.
I think if I ever met the lady that owns this place, I would sure let her know kicking and screaming the place needs a refit! Some furniture maybe, fresh paint Ė all this red and black - itís too gothic for me.
Maybe it is time to move onÖ
TS: Well, BC itís time for me to thank you sincerely for your comments today. I think our readers will learn a great deal about life on your side of the fence.
BC: No problem - actually, you have helped me to make my mind up. Hey, Iím REALLY gonna surprise her! IíM MOVINí OUT EARLY Ė letís see what she makes of that!
Mom: Oh dear, ďHoney, whereís my stuff? Ė I think itís time to goÖ..Ē
About The Author: Name: Tracey Smith Email: magicOxygen@aol.com Website: www.magicoxygen.com/ Tracey Smith, 37, lives in St Aubin with her husband and three children. Originally from London, England, the family downshifted and moved to a little village in the south of France, where Tracey works as a writer and photographer.