step parenting - shared custody with a bad mother

mandij1227 wrote: My husband and I share custody of his almost 4yr old with his ex. One week on/off each. The problem is that it is impossible for us to get him into a routine because she will not cooperate or negotiate with my husband on important issues such as eating habits and bedtime. Therefore, when it's time for bed he cries for his mom... every night, sometimes for hours. He does this because at his mom's house he gets to stay up as late as she does and he sleeps in her room with her. At our house, he goes to bed at 8pm and sleeps in his own bed. Since we have no say in what goes on at her house, how do we get him to stop the nighttime whining?

mandij1227 replied: TO MAKE THINGS WORSE:
She called this morning to say that she was in town and wanted to pick him up for lunch, to which I agreed. When she brought him back a few hours ago, he threw a fit because he wanted to go home with her... So she insisted on taking him home... which she did. My husband says its better not to make her mad... that's not really my style... ya know? But I have to keep the peace, for my stepsons sake.

atlantamomof2 replied: I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to encourage you. You're right, it is VERY important to stick with a routine, and it's sad that she doesn't understand that. Her own son is paying for it because he's unhappy about the changes between homes. I hope you can come up with a way to help her see that.

MommyToAshley replied: Oh what a hard situation to be in!

My brother shares custody of his son. His Mom is the same way and doesn't enforce any rules. However, he has learned that when he is at Dad's house that certain rules apply. (Although he is much older than your stepson.) I think if you are consistent, your stepson will eventually learn what the rules are at your house. I am sure it is confusing and tough on the little guy, bless his heart!

kimberley replied: :sigh: i can sympathize with you. except it is my ex that is the problem. he spends so little time with them and is not an authoritarian by nature, so the boys are permitted to run wild like savages in his house on the weekend. it makes me insane! they just throw their garbage (food even!) on the floor, they play ball in the house, there is no homework or bedtime. junk food is plentiful and a quality day is usually ordering a pizza and playing x-box for 8 hours. i want to wring his neck! i got fed up and began limiting access to 3 or 4 two hour visits on the weekend instead of the whole day. i also told him and the boys that if daddy didn't live by the rules, then he would only be allowed to visit at our place. he is slowly coming around but with a lot of resistance and much work on my part. sorry for rambling.

my only advice to you is to be consistent. keep showing him the "proper" way a child should live when he is with you and love him and give him the structure he needs to build a future. he will thank you for you one day. (((hugs))) we are always here to listen!

mandij1227 replied: Thank you for the encouragement! I'm sure it will work itself out eventually (I hope!) It's just so frustrating!!!

PS
Your little ones are soooo adorable! I wish I could put up a couple of pictures of mine.

GavinsMommy replied: I'm sorry but how can you call her a bad mother? I mean...maybe she is a little side tracked with the proper way to parent her son, but maybe she is doing the best that she can.

Maybe she loves spending as much time w/ her son as she can so that's why they go to bed together...and him sleeping in her bed, I really don't see the problem w/ if it works for them. They may just be very close, as that is what is sounds like to me. I DO believe that children need routines, but like I said, maybe she is trying her best. Maybe he does not sleep well at night if he doesn't go to bed when she does and w/ her.

I don't know, I just think saying she is a bad mother is a bit harsh, don't you?? How would you feel if she analyzed something you did that she thought was "off" or whatever and instead of saying she didn't agree...called you a bad mom? I don't think that makes her a bad mom at all, she just has a different way of doing things..

Parents are different all around the world and unless her son is going unfed, unbathed, uncared for...I don't see the justification in calling her a bad mom.

And no I'm not trying to be mean to you!! So please don't take it that way, I'm just saying, I get really offended when people get called things w/o justification.

But I think maybe you should have a talk w/ his mom and see if you guys can work something out.

mandij1227 replied: I understand your argument and I do agree (it is very harsh to call someone a bad mother) ... and believe me I am not an overly judgemental person. So I will put it another way and leave it up to you to make your own judgement.
1. She stays in bed until at least noon every day
2. Breakfast and lunch consist mainly of twinkies & chips w/ a snack of pudding.
3. He spends his entire day playing Xbox(games rated T & M) or watching TV
4. She NEVER reads to him (he has no books at her house and she refuses to accept the ones I tried to send home with him)
5. When I started caring for him full time (one week after his 2nd birthday) He was 30 inches tall and weighed 44 lbs. he was also a year behind on his shots.
5. We were supposed to have him every other week through that summer (when he turned 2)... we ended up having him (and his older brother who's 9 and not my husbands child) for over 4mo. during the 1st 3mo. of that, she only called 4 times and wouldn't answer the phone when we called her.
6. During that 4 mo. I made sure he ate 3 balanced meals a day w/ 2 healthy snacks... and just from that he had lost 9 lbs by the time she came to get him again - she kept him for 2 weeks during which he GAINED 5lbs of it back.

I could go on and on but I think you get my point. We have tried to get her to discuss an acceptable schedule that we could both agree on but as soon as we bring up the subject she says, "He's MY baby, I'll do whatever I want with him"
So, feel free to make up your own mind

PS - He's almost 4 and still doesn't know any of his ABC's or colors... and when I try to teach them to him, he won't answer me(you know, "what letter is this? how many is this?") instead he says "my mom says I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to." Which is his standard answer anytime I try to get him to do something he has no interest in doing.

mummy2girls replied: Its a very tough situation your in and i am not looking forward to this when aron finds a girl(if he does..LOL)

I think you and your hubby should sit down with her and discuss routines. Because when he does something different from each home he can be very hard to deal with. believe me i was a nanny in a situation like this and both households were different from one anothert and i found the kids very hard to deal with. A routine that is same at both places is something that needs to be done ASAP! Also what if you and your hubby have a communication booklet that you share with the mom. you right dpown what he did and his routine and when he goes to bed when he woke up what he ate and such! And she does the same thing this way you can come to a good routine to follow. It can be hard expecially if the mom wont but i would keep trying!

I am a single mom and my DD's daddy is single also. he hasnt meet anyone else and i am dreading the day he does bring home a not so nice gf. i hope he meets a nice girl and someone that will treat jenna right. this lady is very lucky to have you as a step mom to her son. You seem very caring and do have concerns about him and want to help him out! I am scared though..but that what single parents do have to deal with when iot comes to the kids....

Good luck and please update when you can.

mandij1227 replied: Thanks. She seems to think that what she does at HER house with HER son is none of OUR business... which I can understand to a certain degree, except that I'm just trying to do what's best for him... what will make HIM happy and healthy. I hope you don't have these problems with your daughter and her dad... maybe you can go through a "what if" list with him NOW, so you can agree on how things might be handled in future situations. I'm hoping that in my case, his mom will realize the mistakes she is making once she is faced with the problems that preschool will certainly bring... or maybe, having a 3rd party teaching him in a neutral enviroment will work better for him - and if not, then the stress of having his teacher vocalizing her concerns for him on a regular basis might open her eyes a bit or make her reconsider her lack of interest in his learning. I guess we'll see.
Good luck with YOUR situation!

GavinsMommy replied:
Okay, well I guess that does it! Thanks for clearing things up And I really hope you didn't take it as I was being mean, I just was wondering what qualified her as a "bad mother" and I think you cleared things up just fine.

Boys r us replied: Bless your heart! I think you are trying to fill one of the hardest roles around and it doesn't sound like his mother makes it any easier for you!

have you thought of trying to get full custody of him?

mandij1227 replied: Thanks for understanding. I really do think that the best thing for any child is to be close to their mother and I'd never stand in the way of that. I just wish she would be willing to negotiate or at least understand our point of view on things. I have never said a bad thing about her in front of him and never will. She refuses to speak to me at all and always has. If I answer the phone she hangs up. I wrote her a letter once and she refused to take it, without even looking at it she handed it back to my husband and said, "I don't have to read nothin' from that B**CH" she said it right in front of me and all the kids(mine and hers) it was awful... from then on my husband takes him to her on his own, and little is said. Maybe she still has feelings for my hubby or maybe she just needs to grow up.
Thanks again for listening! It makes me feel better to talk about it and it's a sore subject at my house.

loveydad replied: *sighs* My ex is a problem and since I'm in a bad mood I'll just lay it out. SHE IS THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

She beat on him, she was totally insane.. I mean... she played GAMES with me through my son and my 14 MONTH OLD SON before he died.

I'm with you on this one. I wish parents had to take a test or something and prove they aren't complete idjets.

texasp3 replied: Wow... that's a tough situation to be in, for sure. However, you're obviously not alone since people have written books about it, and there's even a board game for kids!

One book that I'm familiar with is Mom's House, Dad's House.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/068...3713199-4484838

There are other related books as well. Like "Joint Custody with a Jerk..." I don't know how much the "jerk" book is skewed toward the Dad being the jerk, and how much of it would be applicable to your situation.

When my older son was six, he was getting ready to spend the summer wtih his Dad. He had never been away from me for more than a couple of days before that. He was used to seeing his Dad... but apparently the idea of spending that much time away from Mom got to him. He developed a nervous tic (he blinked constantly) and ended up talking to the school counselor. She had him play a board game called "My 2 Homes." He enjoyed the game, it helped him talk about his feelings and he lost the tic and went back to his happy self VERY quickly. The crux of his problem was that he didn't know how to reconcile wanting to see his Dad with not wanting to be away from his Mom... poor kiddo nearly melted down trying to cope with those conflicting emotions.

I do not believe the game is available for common sale, I think it's a theraputic tool. I can only find it online at places that specialize in distributing such tools and it's expensive ...

http://www.mandbdistributors.com/board-gam...y-two-homes.htm

Anyway... the thing is, there are some resources out there to help you, I think. I don't have any personal wisdom since my ex, while not someone I particularly respect, was never as awful as the parent you're dealing with!!

mandij1227 replied: Thanks, I'll check that out.
I'm thinking of finding him a family counselor... maybe I'll ask around about the game when I'm deciding who to take him to!
Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories.

Alice replied: Could you approach the pediatrician and see if he'll talk to her???