how to inspire confidence

boyohboyohboy wrote: I am having trouble with caleb. I think he has a real low self esteme and no self confidence.

He lets the other boys in the neighborhood treat him really poorly.

He has let them hit him with balls, and push him around and hasnt said a word to them for fear of them not liking him.

He lets them take his favorite toys and pretty much does what ever makes them happy to keep them as "friends".

I am worried about his self esteme now, and how he has no confidence..
but in the future I am worried if I dont help him with this then its going to get more serious and when it comes down to smoking, drinking, drugs, peer pressure he will do the same to keep "friends."

I have thought about Karate, but due to previous issues with his super huge imagination and how he gets into trouble with the pretend fighting I have held off, but now I wonder if that might help him, both learn how to handle himself when these kids are beating on him, if he needs too, and also inspire him to feel better about himself.

As I type this I think now that he is even scared of our new puppy, he wont really pet her, and I have been sitting with him showing him how to pet her and not be so scared of her nails and teeth..we are signing caleb up for training when the puppy goes to teach him to play with her and handle her.

cameragirl21 replied: I was going to suggest tae kwan do as I was reading your post but I see you have already considered karate. I think it's possible also that Caleb's fighting habits may be due to low self esteem so I don't necessarily think martial arts will make it worse.
I'd also ask him why he feels the way he does to try to understand where it's coming from. I think positive reinforcement is also really important.
In principle, from what I've noticed from being around many different children all the time, children generally are naturally confident...it's as we age that we lose confidence...could it be his teacher constantly telling him he's a bad kid? First and foremost, I'd try to talk him through this to see what the root of the problem is and then take it from there.
I think martial arts build strong personal skills, not that I've ever studied any but I wish I had. Another thing is maybe enrolling him in an extracurricular activity he is really good at so he can build on his inner confidence that way.
I am seriously wondering how much his teacher's constant negativity has to do with it...has he changed at all since being in her class as compared to how he was beforehand?

boyohboyohboy replied: Jennifer, I dont know if calebs teacher is the cause of his low self esteam, as I am. I think maybe I have been to strict with him, maybe he hasnt been able to form any ideas that he is able to put to use on his own..
I am very strict with him, and I do try to praise him as often as I can, but maybe its not enough.
I am feeling really bad about how this has played out.

The neighbor woman has decided that the kids shouldnt play together anymore.
so instead of this being a postive learning lesson for him, where he can see that he can stick up for himself and still keep his friends, he has learned just the opposite and that he was right, if he sticks up for himself he looses the friend.

The neighbor lady also made sure that caleb saw her son give out his birthday party invitations in front of him to every one but him...
he was crying.

I am livid.

DVFlyer replied: I was a shy/ low confidence kid who took karate. Don't really remember it helping me much. Maybe it did and I just didn't make the connection that it did.

I'm old now and, while I'm much better, I still would not consider myself a "confident" person.

IMO- you need to find things he can succeed at that he is under full control. Start small and work up to bigger things.

MommyToAshley replied: I wonder if it is more his inbred personality more so than confidence. I am a fairly passive person, but I think it is more about my personality than my self-confidence. The same is true with Ashley. She's pretty passive. I remember when she was younger, other kids would take her toys away and she'd just let them do it and go get another one. She's learned to stick up for herself since then, but she's still pretty passive. She's also a people-pleaser, which makes her easy to parent. But, it also gets her into trouble sometimes. I worry about this when she gets older. We're always having conversations about this... but overall, she's as self-confident as they come.

Also, on a side note, your comment about praising him all the time made me think of an article I read recently. It was about how praising kids for the wrong things, too frequent, or insincere praise can have opposite the desired affect. For example, if a child rushes through coloring a page just to get it done and shows the page to you, and then you give it high praise, the child knows that the praise is either insincere or he will get praised no matter how he colors the page. The article went more in depth, but it really made me stop and think about how and when I give Ashley praise because I realized that I was guilty of many of the "don'ts" in the article.

moped replied:
Can I ask why this woman would say the children cannot play together? I don't understand this

boyohboyohboy replied: she is mad at me for asking her son to leave our house and for making him cry.
I also found out that he told her a completely different story then what happened, and after I told her she said she believed me, and that my story sounded just like her son.
she also told me that since we didnt talk until two days after it happened, she was sad for her son who was crying (in my opinin out of guilt) so she took him to get his ears pierced to make him feel better!!!

I dont really care so much about this friendship. I dont think its one I want to foster.

but I do blame myself highly for his low confidence.
I do think he is super passive and he was born that way.
I also worry that he didnt have a father figure until he was three, he was always around women and didnt do sports.
I also worry that I am bad about giving him enough room to grow.
I am trying, harder to do it now.

I dont praise him for things that are small like it was suggested. I do make sure its for the right reason, I also wondered if maybe I have been to hard on him. I am strict, I am maybe smothering him.
its going to take some work. I am going to check out karate, and we are working on trying to help him be more mature, make better decisions..so I can let him go out more on his own and strengthen his own confidence.

DVFlyer replied: I didn't do a lot of sports either.

Don't take Karate thinking it will do anything special. It might... but I think it's more marketing than anything else.... especially if he doesn't like it.

Best to find something that interests him and go from there.

A thought as I was typing:

Next time you are doing something.. anything... ask him for help. Once he gives you that help, really let him know what a good job he did by helping.

It won't happen overnight but I think you can be successful in building his confidence and self-esteem.

boyohboyohboy replied: I guess the problem is we expect Caleb to do chores daily, and he has his "homework" and now chores with the dog. Its not more then one hour combined a day, and its spread out. I dont think its much, but I do expect him to do it right, and lately he has been really lazy.
I also dont praise him if its not done right.

I guess thats being hard, but I wanted him to learn to do things right the first time and then take pride in his work, not getting away with half @$$ed work.

He is super smart and I do tell him that daily, as well as how handsome he is, but I told him he has to work hard to make his life what he wants it to be.

He told me he doesnt like sports because they hurt. I havent encouraged them because he doesnt want too.
He likes the idea of karate, because he thinks he is going to "fight" like the cartoons he watches. I told him its not like that, and we wanted him to learn disicpline as well as self defense.
he has an episdoe the other day where these neighbor boys were playing dodge ball but the only kid getting hit was caleb, to the point that they beat him down on the ground and were all pelting him with hard balls until he cried and was out of breath. I happened to catch them, and helped caleb into the house, he has red marks all over him including his face, he said his stomach and back hurt. I asked him why didnt you tell them to stop, it hurt?? and he said, because they wont want to be my friend..
Its horrible.
I asked him why he wont hit anyone back, he said that its because he is nice.

He is a super nice kid, who is more of an emotional then physical kid. He will tell you his feelings with some proding.

I have been letting him go outside with do things alone more often, but he is showing me he cant really handle it. He walks in front of cars, he rides his bike in a bad spot, and then he and a friend he just met, tied his wagon to the kids bike and when the kid went fast caleb lets go of the rope and the wagon with caleb in it, goes right into the road.
I tried to ask caleb to think thru the bad horrible consequences of what can happen if he does this and a car comes, but he just doesnt get it, he tells me he wont do it again, but does.
I dont think he is mature enough, or emotional mature enough to handle the situations his friends do.
I dont know how to make him have common sense and confidence.
Its really a dilema we are facing right now.

I dont know if it would help if it were more my husband that handled this with him or if that doesnt really matter.
My husband gets frustrated because caleb asks so whimpy as he puts it.
the slightest thing.

Nina J replied: I think sometime's you just have to be brutally honest. If these kids are being mean to him, which they are, and he isn't defending himself for fear of losing his 'friends', that is sad.

Have you talked to him about how friends are not people who hurt us? If someone pelts you with balls, they're not your friend. And sadly I think while he is staying quiet to keep these kids close, they're going to get worse as he gets older. And I think one day they will exclude him entirely, and if he is putting his efforts in to keeping these 'friends', and not making others, who is he going to have to fall back on?

I think you're a good mother because you are aware of these things. But if I were you, I would be trying to distance him from these kids and put him in a situation where he can meet other kids to form friendships with.

What kind of activities do you have around where you live, for kids? I know here our library has a lot of programs for kids. Or even just a trip down to the park. I have meet a lot of parents at the park, and our kids get along well. It's more of a joint effort between the parents and the kids there though. And I think sometime's, it's easier for the kids. But if we are at the park and the kids are playing together, I try and approach the parent(s) of the other kids and introduce myself, have a chat.

I'd try and put Caleb in environment's where he has the opportunity to interact with other kids and make new friends. Because I do think if he continues to let these neighbourhood kids walk all over him, it isn't going to do anything for his self-esteem and in the future, it could go downhill.

I also don't think it is entirely to do with his self-esteem. I think he sounds like he is more of a gentle person, which is really a reflection of you and your parenting, and that is a good thing. If one of my children hit another child continuously with balls during a game I'd be livid.

Good luck though, I think you're raising a very good son. And with the risk-taking behaviour, with the wagon and stuff. I don't think children have the same concept as we do about the dangers involved in certain things. There is an ad on tv where I live about slowing down as you drive past school zones, a kid's basketball bounces out on the road and the kid chases it in front of the cars. It says that for us, we see the dangers involved, but for the kid, all they see is their basketball. I know with my girls, when we go for walks I am constantly reminding them not to go near the edge of the road. They don't really understand the concept of 'You could get hurt', so it is constant repitition on my part.

I was the same way when I was a kid and the thing that made me really aware that roads were dangerous was I nearly got hit by a car at the park when I was about 7 and the lady in the car started screaming at me and scared me half to death. Which was terrible. So I don't so much mind having to constantly repeat don't do this, don't do that, you don't want to get hurt, because one day, they're going to get it, but they don't now and neither did I when I was there age.

They understand hot water, cold water, etc, etc. But when I think back, those are the things they learn. Like, they've all had little burns because their dinner was too hot or something. Nothing serious. But they've never been hit by a car (touch wood) so they don't get it. Same with the lawnmower and stuff, I am always saying don't go near the lawn mower. But they do it, not while it's going because I don't let them outside when the lawn is being mowed. But they've never been run over by the lawnmower (again, touch wood!). I think a lot of the time, it is a situation where they actually experience the consequence of something that makes them realise. Or else they just have to reach the age where they can actually comprehend the dangers without being personally involved. Emily is able to understand the dangers of certain things more so than Odessa and Aysun because she is older but the road thing..that one doesn't seem to sink in, lol.

MommyToAshley replied: I didn't mean to imply that you were praising him for the wrong things, I was simply sharing an interesting article that I read. Sorry you took it that way.

I am so sorry about the neighborhood kids, but it sounds like they are the ones with the issues. What kind of kids purposely hurt "a friend". I agree with Nina that I think Caleb sounds like a kind soul and I would look for other opportunities for him to play with others... maybe a church group of some sort? I don't think teaching him to fight is the right answer. However, if karate interests him as a sport or a hobby, then that is a different story and I don't see any reason not to encourage his interests.

I also don't think you are being too smothering. Ashley will be 7 in September, and I do not let her go outside unless Rod or I are outside with her. That doesn't mean we are standing over her scrutinizing her every move, but we can see her at all times and would step in if she were doing something in which someone could get hurt. We still hold hands in the parking lot and I still keep her in my sight when we go to a park, Chuck E Cheese, a play date, etc. Maybe I am being smothering, but kids at this age just don't think through the consequences. Just the other day, one of her friends the same age ran in front of a car in the parking lot.

DVFlyer replied: Honestly a lot of what you say sounds "normal".

Re: the dodge ball game- I would have had a few choice words with the other kids. There is no reason for them to keep hitting him with balls while he is already down. They have to learn just as much as he does.

Your husband may have to learn that he has a "whimpy" son and will have to deal with it. We all can't be blessed with being a man's man like your husband. /sarcasm.

boyohboyohboy replied:
dee dee, I am sorry maybe I typed to fast to write what I intended to say, but I am not offended in the slightest. I think everyone has given me great advice.
Its hard sometimes having a kid that seems so different then the rest in the neighborhood, but I worry in the real world, that when caleb comes in contact with kids who want him to smoke or do drugs if he doesnt get some self confidence now he is going to make wrong choices just to keep these bad friends.
thats the most important thing right now to me..

I am scared for his future.

and DVflyer, the funny thing is, my husband is so not a "mans man" thank god he doesnt read PC..

he is the kindest most gentle soul I have ever met, and not a fighter at all.
He never argues with me even when I try..
so he has a son that doesnt fall to far from the tree....

Nina J replied: Try not to stress about the future. Just concentrate on the here and now. Unfortunatly, I think all of our children are going to be exposed to smoking, drugs and alcohol, at some point in their lives. It is worrying for anyone, but if we instill good values in our kids, all we can do is hope that they don't give in to the pressures of drugs and alcohol.

Plus, when Caleb is at the age that he is exposed to things like smoking, he is going to be older and more mature. And in the years to come, I am sure he is going to make lots of friends who are similar to him in personality, etc.

He is not going to have these neighbourhood kids around him forever, and as long as you concentrate on the here and now and not think of 10 years down the track, I think that's the best thing you can do

I don't doubt it is hard having a kid like Caleb in a neighbourhood with kids like his 'friends'. But if I were you, I'd much rather have a child like Caleb than children like the neighbourhood kids. To me, it seems like they're going to be the challenging kids in the future. I just can't get over them throwing the balls at Caleb! Poor kid.

boyohboyohboy replied: Thank you Nina. I do feel better.
I think I am ashamed that I wasnt appreciating caleb more for who he is instead of trying to change him now that I read back on my posts.
I guess I just wanted to protect him.

He is such a kind hearted soul, and believe me when I saw him on the ground crying and those boys hurting him, I just wanted to pelt them with balls!

I keep hoping that good friend will come out of the wood work some where and he or she and caleb will be best buds..and protect each other.

I do have a tendency to worry about things I cant change and that are way off. I can honestly say I have never had a harder job then raising kids!

He really is excited about karate so we are going to go that route, but only because he wants to, so if he hates it after he starts we will quit.

I also have him signed up for lessons with the dog to learn how to take care of her and not be so scared of her. I had hoped that caleb and the new dog would really bond.
I think there is still time for that once they both go to class!

coasterqueen replied: Stacy,

Caleb is school age, isn't he. Did he have any friends in school? Anyone he talked about all the time? If so those are people I would be setting play dates up with all summer long.

I was bad about that this summer - play dates. I promised to set more up than I got to for the girls, mainly because I only have Friday afternoons and the weekend - the rest of the time I'm working so it makes it difficult. Most don't want to do Friday afternoon or weekend play dates. I have made a few though. This way the girls are still in contact with those they played with at school.

I also think it's important to get to know the other parents of the kids the children are playing with. I don't particularly like doing it most of the time, but I make a point of it. For one, I've noticed the mothers who don't really try to interact with you, it's a turn off and you are more inclined to make play dates then. I know Kylie LOVES the fact that I interact with the mothers of her friends. I'm trying to get DH to do that more as well. He's interacted well with the dad of one of her friends, but no one else.