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emotions....


A&A'smommy wrote: I feel so depressed right now...i have so much that needs to be done but no time and no energy to do it....i HATE having a messy house i hate having anything to do....and im so tired!!!! I also miss dh sooo much, he cant sleep in our room with me and Alyssa because he has to work and he NEEDS sleep he stays up with her as much as he can and then he goes in her room and sleeps...and i miss him and me alone so much! I hate to whine and cry about this but i cant help it and he isnt here to talk to about this (he is at work) our friends havent been around hardly at all mostly just parents. Im so scared im going to do something wrong with my little girl, i had no idea i was suppose to put alchohol on her cord until a little while ago when i was going through all our hospital stuff. And im afraid b.f isnt going to work im afraid im not going to make enough milk i havent been pumping enough and today i havent been pumping out much milk. I almost wish she was older because maybe it will be easier...im trying so hard and im doing my best...but i have no idea what im doing, and at first dh helped out a lot but now i think he is more nervous than he was when she was first born. When he is home i ask him if he wants to hold her and he always says no, i know its because he is scared and she knows it to because sometimes she crys and when he hands her to me she stops crying. I know that what im feeling is normal but i really hate it! And you know what else bothers me is that im 18 years old and im a mom it scares me....im not really sure why the age thing scares me but it does. Im really scared about being a mom, i mean REALLY REALLY scared! I dont want to be a bad mom and i want her to be happy..but sometimes when she keeps me up i get really frustrated and i know she knows im frustrated....babies sense stuff like that. And the thing that i miss the most is Jeremiah (my dh) i want him to hold me ALL the time and i want him to around ALL the time i cried when he was going to go to school last week (he didnt go because he was worried about me)! I dont want to feel all these feelings i just want to know what to do and be happy. Is that crazy or stupid? How can i be a good mom and be upset and scared and not have any clue what im doing? I hate crying...i have always hated crying, but then again who likes to cry!?! Sometimes i wont let myself cry when dh is around because im afraid he will think i just crying for attention, i dont know why i would think that i know he would never think that. He really has been so wonderful! Well TIA for listening....i know i whine a lot and im sorry for that! Thank ya'll so much for being so wonderful and supportive!!!!

mummy2girls replied: Oh Hun I am so sorry for how you are feeling. sad.gif First of all about the cord thing...I was told by my nurse that all you need to use is warm water to clean it. Dip some q-tips in warm water and just clean the area.

About the b.f...maby you could try supplimeanting with formula so that way she is getting milk. But i didnt breast feed so I dont know how you are feeling with that. sad.gif Im sorry

Jennas dad was the same way. he was scared to hold her and when he did she would cry for me. And that is because she is so used to being weith me all day. And with alyssa she is with you all day so she knows you the most and she has bonded with you more. But dont worry i am sure he will hold her more and be there more when he starts to feel more at ease with this all.

Its is always hardest the first few months of when you have your new baby. They are up alot at night, you get frusrtrated because you want to sleep and she doesnt. You have mixed emotions and such. But jessy in time it will get easier. Believe me it will.

I was really depressed with jenna the first few weeks of when i had her. Mostly because i was doing it all on my own. I was scared i was doing things wrong and that i wasnt going to handle everything. But as each day passed and i saw my baby grow and develop i knew i was doing something right. It is really emotional because you feel as if everything is up to you and that you have to do it all by yourself.

The age thing..I wasnt a teenager when i had jenna but you know what i had Jordan when i was 23 and boy was i scared! You aronly 18 but i believe you are a very strong, independent, mature woman and you know there are some moms out there that are alot older than you and have no idea how to raise a child. You will be a great mom and you will do great!!!!!!!

CantWait replied: First off sweetie what you're feeling is totally normal. You really should try and talk to a public health nurse or something about it. It's probaby just PPD.

Second of all, it's no longer neccesary to put rubbing alcohol on the belly button/ umbilical cord, I did with my first but was told I didn't have to with Anthony, it tells you that in a lot of the newer books also. Just watch for puss (sp?), bleeding or a fowl smell.

Third. Just because you're not pumping much out doesn't mean you won't make enough milk to breastfeed. I can't pump hardly anything but when Anthony latches on, it comes spraying out (that did take a while though, about 6 weeks or so).

Forth, I had my first baby (Robbie) when I was 18 years old. Not to say that it's a smart choice, but I think sometimes young moms can do a better job. I certainly did better, then I do now in some ways. I had more energy to do things, I played like a baby and kid, and loved to go to the park and all that jazz ( I still do, but probably not as much).

It's hard to get everything done. I had a hard time taking care of Robbie, cleaning the house, doing laundry etc with a new baby, and sometimes, 4 months later I still do. I hate a dirty house and I'm an organization freak, but sometimes you have to let it go. Babies grow super fast, and you can miss so much in such a short time. If you must do a quick run through, but try not to worry about it. It'll get done in time.

If you ever need to talk, I'm always here. I know all to well about being a new young mom. Lots of hugs grouphug.gif grouphug.gif grouphug.gif

Jamison'smama replied: BIG BIG Hugs!

First of all---being tired is part of the game at first---your daughter needs you more than a clean house--believe me, it has taken me a LONG time to get to that point. My house drove me CRAZY. I just completed one task per day and had to be satisfied with that--that task was usually laundry--my goodness those babies go through clothes! I know that you know your feelings are normal but it doesn't make it any easier. I started feeling better when I got out of the house--even when it was cold and snowy I went somewhere. My library had lap time, I went to a new parent and breastfeeding support group--I went anywhere I could think of.

Second, my DH also slept in another room for a while. It is not forever. I would get Jama to sleep then sneak out and into the room with DH, we would cuddle then I would go back to bed to sleep.

Third, you will not do anything wrong, there isn't much she needs right now except to eat, burp, sleep, cuddle and have new diapers--that's it--you are doing a great job--I would tell myself, keeping her alive is my ONLY job. She will let you know what she needs.

Fourth, about the BF, keep it up!!!! You will be so glad you did, where is it that you live? Do they have a Le Leache Leage there? www.lalecheleague.org. Just drink and nurse, drink and nurse. If there are no other resources, look online--lots of great information. I could never pump much but Jamison ate plenty, it also depends on your pump--are you using a hospital one?

If you feel like the crying is too much, ask your OB to evaluate you--PPD is more common than you may think. You may have the normal "baby blues" but it may be a little more than that--idepression is just a chemical in your brain that gets out of whack, and something you can't always control yourself so don't be afraid to seek help!

You sound like an amazing woman--fully capable of being a great mom! Sure, it is hard and can feel VERY lonely at times in the beginning. Especially since for some reason these guys have an aversion to tiny little babies. Remeber, we played dolls, babysat, played with nieces and nephews--many of the men did not so they can be a little nervous at first. That also gets better!!

My advice at this point is to think about a sling. It was THE BEST purchase I could have ever made! I have three now and I still don't go anywhere without it! In the beginning the NoJo was fine and easly obtained at BabiesRUs. It helps you to be able to get things done around the house and would get Jamison to stop crying better than ANYTHING else I tried. Best website for information on baby wearing is www.askdrsears.com type in "baby wearing" in the search.

Hang in there sweetie, you are not alone and you are doing great! We are all here for you!

Edited to say--apparently I was typing this at the same time as Can'tWait so I think I duplicated a lot smile.gif

CantWait replied: nope you added a lot that I forgot thumb.gif

MomToJade&Jordan replied: You have just described exactly how I felt when Jade was first born. I was sad, tired, and scared all at the same time. I think I called my Mom everyday that first month. I had it really hard. I was 5000 miles away from my family on a rock in the middle of the ocean. I wanted my Mom here so badly, but there was no way she was going to be able to come out here. So DH and I did this alone. I know how you feel about wanting the time with your DH. Mine had to sleep on the couch for the first 7 weeks because Jade slept with me and he was afraid to hurt her. As for being only 18 and scared. I had a baby at 27 and I was just as scared. I know what it's like to want to be the best Mom you can be. I remember thinking how much I wanted Jade to be older. She's going to be 15 months old on Sunday. I can't tell you that it's ever going to be easy. I believe being a Mom is one of the toughest jobs a person can ever have. My Mom once told me way in the beginning that it will get better, not easy, but better. She was right, it did get better. What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. Your body is not nurishing a baby anymore so all of those hormones are going to be changing. Go talk to someone if it will make you feel better. You are going to be able to do this, take it from someone who thought she couldn't and learned a little about herself in the process. You know that we are here for you whenever you need to get things off your chest. In the meantime go hug and kiss that precious gift that you were given and remember that you can do this. grouphug.gif

Julie (jem0622) replied:
Sweetie...the rush of emotions and feelings that you are having now are very very normal. So don't beat yourself up or question yourself. A mother's instinct is 99% correct (okay, maybe a little lower...but your gut instinct tells you what is going on so LISTEN TO YOURSELF!).

I can commiserate(sp) with the DH thing. My DH did that but you know what I told him? He was setting a bad example for the kids (we have a son who is almost 4) and that if he wanted anything beyond someone to sleep in bed with then he needed to sleep in the bed with me. We did end up moving Gabe to his crib far sooner than I did with my eldest DS, but you do need some time together as a couple...so while I was bitter initially I did get over it. Plus Gabe was an atrocious (sp) sleeper, so he needed some help in that department. I still went to him during the night to nurse, but he had fewer disturbances from us.

As far as pumping goes...sweetie...I have to ask...why are you pumping and not nursing? Just curious. Because unless you are away from her then you should be nursing on demand. Especially the first two months. If you aren't going to nurse her and want to pump then you need to pump every two hours. And you will not pump much. You are still establishing a supply. It takes at least two months for your body to produce what she needs. You need to eat lots and drink lots! It's very important.

Advice from a mom who has been there...PLEASE sleep when the baby does and DO NOT feel like you are being lazy. Go easy on yourself!

As for getting housework done. You will eventually find a balance and people will understand. You are not a super hero and if anyone (especially DH) is expecting you to balance it all then you need to burst that bubble. DH needs to help you with things that maybe you didn't before. More and more you guys have to team up on things.

I don't know if I've overlooked anything. I hope not. But if I miss anything then I'll post again.

You will do great as a Mom. You will be more concious about what you say and do and you will see that later.

LOTS of hugs. Take a bubble bath today! Oh, and by the way...speaking of soap...keep it off of your nipples and use your Laninsoh.

Julie

Julie (jem0622) replied: BTW...about her cord stump....

You can either use alcohol (on a q tip) after every diaper change OR you can pick up some goldenseal from GNC. Goldenseal will dry it up faster than anything!

Julie

Kirstenmumof3 replied: grouphug.gif Jessyann, you are doing a wonderful job as a mom! Please try to relax! We all know how difficult it is having a new baby, not getting enough sleep and we all worry about our children. I have a few suggestions that might make things easier for you. Make sure you are getting enough to eat and drink. As a nursing mom you are going to need a lot of extra fluids. Whenever you nurse Alyssa or even if you are just pumping have a glass of water beside you. If it would help ask your DH to make you a lunch and have it in the fridge, that way you can eat it when you are able. Try not to worry about the housework. That will come in time. Try just doing one thing a day, remember you are doing the most important job-you are a MOM and taking care of a new baby! I know it's all hard right now! We are all here for you! I also think maybe you should give your friends a call and just say "hey I need a break lets go for coffee" You are doing a wonderful job! grouphug.gif

ediep replied: Jessyann, I felt the same way that you do when Jason was first born. Being a mom is much harder than I thought it was going to be. I think the lack of sleep really had a bad affect on me....just try to relax. Right now all Alyssa needs is diapers, food, burps, and sleep. (plus some kisses) I know you are doing your best, and that is all you can do. I called my mom and sister a few times a day and I really missed my DH at first too. Don't worry, these things work themselves out when you and the baby get on some schedule...and that takes time. If you feel sad all the time, tell your OB. I m sure you have a PP appointment soon. He/She may give you some advice or even let you know where to find a newborn parenting class. I went to sone when Jay was 5 weeks old, it was great!

Good luck

you can post here or email me whenever you feel stressed!! grouphug.gif grouphug.gif grouphug.gif

kimberley replied: Jessyann, I just want to give you lots of (((((((((HUGS))))))))) and tell you that i am 31 and feeling the same way you do. the fact that it concerns you shows that you are a great mom!

with kids, a house gets messy. you really have to think about what is more important... the cleanest house or your sanity and a happy baby.

The "baby blues" are normal. Jade is 3 mos and i still feel a little out of sorts. i really feel like i need jamie close to me all the time but real life doesn't always let that happen. if you feel like it is getting worse please don't be embarassed or afraid to ask for help from your doctor.

if u need to talk we are always here for you!

grouphug.gif

DansMom replied: I can only back up what everyone else has said. I cried a lot the first month, and I felt frustrated, lonely, weak, exhausted, and incompetent. When Daniel would cry and I couldn't figure out how to make it better, I felt angry at him and at myself. I said things to DH like "I'm a failure as a mother". I would get mad at DH constantly for not reading my mind about what I needed from him. The fourth day home was the worst for me, but I had other bad days later. I was 38 years old when I had my baby. I don't think it makes a difference how old you are, when you have your first baby it's just as confusing and you get so much different advice and you worry about doing the wrong thing and being a bad mom. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty about feeling depressed, angry, frustrated, etc. Just feel your feelings, all of them, and keep doing your best to give Alyssa what she needs. You are doing just as good a job as any new mommy, and it sounds like you have less help and support than a lot of us had around us. You're doing great!

My doctor said I didn't need to do anything with the cord---the alcohol makes it dry sooner so it will fall off sooner, that's all.

Even if you think your milk supply is light right now, keep offering the breast every two to four hours. The frequent stimulation will tell your body to make more. It might take a day, or a few days, even a week or more, to get the supply to where you want it to be. I've never been able to pump as much as I can nurse. Most women can't pump as much milk as the baby can get out---pumping is not the same mechanism at all, so you can't get as much milk that way.

It's definitely not too late to get her nursing full time. If you can get her to latch on, you're doing better than I was the first week home! That was the hardest part for me. He would cry and cry, and I knew he was hungry and wanted to nurse, but I just couldn't get him to latch. Steph is right that it seems wrong to really push them into your breast, but finally when I was very forceful it worked every time. If you are small chested and have small nipples (that was my case) it helps to make a "nipple sandwich" (I hate that description, but that's what the nurse called it!) by pinching on either side of the nipple and pushing it into the baby's mouth while forcefully pulling baby's head into you. But it sounds like you are not having trouble with the latching.

Just keep in mind that it always gets better and easier, at least as far as figuring out what your baby wants, reading your baby's cues, and having the tools to make her happy---it's a learning process for both of you, and it takes at least a month to feel comfortable about the basics.

grouphug.gif grouphug.gif grouphug.gif

coasterqueen replied: Jessyann,

You have gotten a tremendous amount of advice here that I don't know what to add! That's good news!

Just know we have all been there. Some days I still feel like I am there with a 14.5 month old, lol. Mothering is a very tough job and being a wife and a mother is even harder!

We, as women, mothers and wives, have so much to bear. We get pg, have to deal with all those emotions, then have baby, have to deal with all those emotions and at the same time we have to deal with being a wife and a woman in general. I am still trying to figure out who I am now as a woman, mother and wife. It's hard.

grouphug.gif What you are feeling is completely normal, trust me. We are all here for you sweetie! Please post anytime you need a hug because we will all be there for you.

A&A'smommy replied: I cant thank ya'll enough!! Ya'll are the best group of women (and men) and i need this so much!!! in about an hour im going to start bf...i wish i could start now but she just ate. Anyways Thank you soooo much for the encouragement and support! I love you guys!!!! wub.gif grouphug.gif

mummy2girls replied: Let us know how the bf goes...Good luck... wink.gif

jcc64 replied: JessyAnn,
I could have written that post myself after my 1st was born, and I was 27 at the time. I've been thinking all along how composed and mature you seem for an 18 yr old. But like Dan's mom said, it doesn't matter how old you are when you 1st give birth, it's terrifying! I was probably more like your dh- I was afraid to give the 1st bath, 1st fingernail cut, etc. It's normal that dh is afraid, he'll come around. Keep in mind that when you're feeling so depressed and insecure, you may never feel satisfied with dh's reactions to you. You're looking for him to make you feel secure. Only YOU can do that, and you will become more comfortable with your new role over time. It's a monumental change, the biggest you will ever face, no doubt, of course it's overwhelming. But it won't always be this intense, this exhausting, this scary. In a little while, you'll be able to look back and laugh. But for the time being, keep reaching out and be patient with yourself, dh, and little Alyssa.
BTW, it helps to "practice" bf when the baby isn't desperately starving. She may get too frustrated if she's too hungry. Try a little sooner than you think she needs to eat. Good luck, hon!

jen replied: Good luck Jess, you and all that advice is an inspiration to those of us that haven't given birth yet! You sound like a blessed wonderful MOM! wink.gif

5littleladies replied: JessyAnn-
I don't have much to add, we have such a great group of women here and they have said so much already. I just wanted to tell you that I was 19 when I had my first daughter and I think starting my family when I was young was one of the best decisions I've made. It is overwhelming to be a mom so young especially when you feel like you are in the minority (with most women waiting until at least their 20's) but there are so many positive things about it. I have alot more energy to chase down my crazy kids being young and when they have graduated and are out of the house DH and I will still be plenty young enough to go out and do all the things we want to do. Don't worry about not knowing what to do-Every mom feels that way regardless of their age.
One more thing about your DH-Just tell him how you feel and try to be patient with him. I think it is a bit harder for the dad to get used to being a parent than it is for the mom-after all she carried the baby for 9 months so it is more of a reality for her. My DH had no idea what to do when pur first baby was born so he just sat around and played video games during his work leave while I was crying and struggling with breastfeeding and wondering what the heck I was thinking getting pregnant in the first place. He came around though and he is a wonderful daddy now. Yours will be too. happy.gif
Just hang in there sweetie-This too shall past. Life will seem normal again. You are doing a great job!! grouphug.gif

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Hey Jess... yo uheard it all from the others.... I was 20 when I had Zach...my birthday was in may, i had him in august....

it gets BETTER. REally. Your DH will come around...eventually. mine did...but I had to tell him that he neede to take more responsibility, that i wasn't his maid...and that if he expected dinner made and a clean house, then he darn well better give me a break from Zach to do so. Even if it was just 15 minutes every few hours.... and I put my foot down, told him that Zach was his bay TOO, so he better learn how to do things.

Yeah, the first few times DH changed Zach's diaper and gave him a bath, I was right there with him...and although his *methods* weren't perfect, they weren't mine, and I couldn't expct them to be...but I encouraged him. Soon after, DH would actually pick up Zach on his OWN, without me having to ask him. And I was able to take a shower. tongue.gif

Seriously though... you need to communicate what yo uare feeling to your DH...because if you don't he will never know that you are thinking those feelings. He's a man, he's not perfect... and he's not a mind-reader.

Good luck to you sweetie... you're doing just fine.

MommyToAshley replied: JessyAnn, add me to the list of new Moms that felt exactly the same way. I could have written your post. But, I think you are doing better than I did because my post wouldn't have made as much sense. I was a mess and I felt like a failure. But, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!

Everyone here had such great advice, so I can't add much. I just want to stress, sleep when the baby sleeps, grab a sandwich when the baby is nursing and drink water all the time. And, never turn down help from friends and family to help with the house or baby... I was trying to do it all myself and that was the biggest mistake. The house can wait, just enjoy your little bundle of joy right now.

You are doing a great job! Keep it up! grouphug.gif

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I should add this poem:

Come in, but don't expect to find
All dishes done, all floors ashine.
Observe the crumbs and toys galore.
The smudgy prints upon the door.
The little ones we shelter here
Don't thrive on a spotless atmosphere.
They're more inclined to disarray
And carefree even messy play.
Their needs are great, their patience small.
All day I'm at their beck and call.
It's Mommy come! Mommy see!
Wiggly worms and red scraped knee.
Painted pictures, blocks piled high.
My floors unshined, the days go by.
Some future day they'll flee this nest,
And I at last will have a rest!
Now you tell me which matters more,
A happy child or a polished floor?

...Author Unknown

A&A'smommy replied: Thanks again ya'll!!! And lol dh is bugging me for his laptop LOL emlaugh.gif !!!! but anyways thanks a lot for all the encouragement and advice it means sooo much to me!!!! Also i LOVE the poem thanks for that zachsmom!!!

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
no problem...I had it stuck to my front dorr for 3 months after Zach was born... lol

maybe I should put it back up...my mom has been threatening to buy me a mop for Christmas.... emlaugh.gif


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