advice needed - very sensative
boyohboyohboy wrote: I have debated posting this because of fear of prosecution. I am not sure whats wrong with me, but I know that something is, and I know I cant change it if I dont talk about it. I have never felt so unhappy in my life. I find myself in rages of anger over the stupidest things. My kids are cringing when around me, for fear of me, and I dont like the person I have become. I have been a stay at home mom for 2 yrs. I feel useless and lost. I dont have much of a life of m own. I dont really have time for friends, and no social life at all. I havent had a hobby in a long time. My entire life 24/7 is kids. I find myself really not liking my kids, or spending time with them, but at the same time, I cant imagine being away from them. I hate the hour and half I am away from Jake while he is in sunday school. I am feeling anxious and nervous when I am away from him. My heart feels empty. but as soon as he is back with me I feel over whelmed again.
I think a lot of my feeling towards my youngest are his health issues. I just dont know what to do with him. He doesnt sleep or eat, and no one seems to know what is wrong with him. He has a terrible dispostion, and now I think most of that is coming from me. he is reflecting what he sees from me. My oldest keeps asking me why I am so angry and what he can do to chear me up. its breaking my heart.
I spend all day now crying but its turning to sobbing. I told my husband I think I am depressed and I need to see the dr, but I am afraid to tell the dr how I really feel. I dont want anyone to take my kids.
My husband thinks I am just very tired from not sleeping the past 2 yrs not even for a hour with out some interuption. he says I am not recharging and I need something in my life other then the kids, some sense of self worth. He thinks just getting away on weekends or finding sometime for myself is all I need. I feel like that is not it. I feel like there is something wrong with me. this is the life most woman dream of, being home with their kids. I hate it.
I dont want to go back to work, and thats not an option now with three. I also have to admit that I dont want to be preg. It wasnt something I really wanted, but my husband wanted a large family and I didnt want to be much older having babies, so we just did it. now I regrett it and dont know how I am going to deal with it.
could this all just be preg. hormones?
I dont know what to do, but I dont want to have my kids deal with me like this anymore. any advice, whats wrong with me?
mom2my2cuties replied: I am so sorry you are feeling this way Stacey. I will be praying for you. I think you are right, you should see your doctor, i think what you are going through is probably depression which is being made worse by pregnancy hormones as well as stress from lack of sleep and the baby's medical problems.
CantWait replied: From everything that you said, I've been there. Of course not to the extent of not having to deal with some of the issues you're dealing with when it comes to sleeping and eating issues with my kids. I definetly think it's depression and not just hormones. I went through the same feelings of lonliness, anger, and sadness. I was around the kids non stop, and even when I went out with friends, the kids were with me. What helped me was getting on medication, and speaking with someone. I wasn't persucuted by doctor, I was told to take more me time, which clearly is something you need to do. It's hard at first not knowing, is he crying for me, does he need something, did I forget to tell dh to do this or that, and sometimes it's even harder to go home and find that this or that wasn't done, or even wasn't done to your standards, but it's something that you need to let go of, and the time that you spend outside the house really does help to let you deal with that. As for work, what about a typical mommy job, selling Mary Kay, Scrapbooking stuff, etc....? Something like that is very part time and on your scedule. No one will take your kids from this, depression is completely normal and so much more understood then it was years ago.
Maddie&EthansMom replied: First of all, I think this could all be normal for any mother from time to time. No shame in admitting we are feeling lost and lonely.
Second of all, I'm so glad you have a supportive husband. I'm sure that helps tremendously since a lot of women lack that support and understanding.
Do talk to your doctor, hun. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but you should talk to someone.
boyohboyohboy replied: Marie you hit the nail right on the head. that is exactly how I feel. Like if I am away from Jakob, someone wont know why he is crying and he will feel deserted by the only person who really cares for him. ( I mean daily care) and I am the only one who knows how to get him to settle down, and eat and rest the little bit he does. and what if the person who deals with him loses their temper and cant handle him..but thats me now.. I do get mad about the house, and Dh not just "knowing" what needs done and doing, and yes to my standards. He is so supportive, and just holds me while I cry myself to sleep each night.
I have felt like the worst mother and worst wife ever these past few weeks. I feel like I am not holding up my end of this relationship, Dh says differently, and just wants me to feel happier.
I have taken the first step and contacted my church and asked for some counceling. I also today am going to look into a mommys day out program for jake. I think some time away from him would do us both some good. I do feel better having taken the first step and admitting that something is wrong in our house. but that was the hardest. I read here daily how happy all these moms are with their kids, and I just felt horrible like a bad mom for not feeling that way.
I am worried about taking meds while preg.
grapfruit replied: First of all lots of b/c you need them!
I think your husband is on the right track w/needing some "you" time outside of the kids and house hold. Marie mentioned Scrapbooking and if you're in to that sort of creative process that may be a good START but certainly not the "cure". Sounds like you need more then just "some time away to recharge". You need to find YOU again, and that'll take some time. The reason I said scrapbooking would be great is b/c it's w/other people that probably have the same feels you feeling, have went through a lot of the same things. Remember: YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!! And it's going to TAKE TIME!!!
I definatly think you have some depression going on there, I've been through that (minus the crazy pg hormones!) and it's awful, I can't imagine piling all those hormones on top of it. Talk to the doctor, that's what they're there for, for you to ask questions and get help. I'm sure they have something safe for you to take or maybe even some exercises or something that will help. You never know until you ask.
Nobody is going to take your kids away, you're coming forward wanting help. That shows just how much you love them and want to keep them safe. You're being a GOOD mom! Ok I'm sitting here crying but it's the truth, you're taking positive steps forward.
So to sum it all up: Go to the doctor or a councilor (they're amazing!!!) and talk to them!!! And think about what YOU like to do and take baby steps towards that. Shoot, if you DID like to scrap book and were closer I'd let you use all of my "tools" We have all sorts of fancy stuff.
But even if it's taking a nice stroll around the park or swinging on the swing set, walking through a green house looking at the flowers, do something that makes YOU feel good. To H*LL w/everyone else (I mean that in a good way BTW)
P.S. man, how come that ended up being so long, sorry about that!
holley79 replied:
luvmykids replied: I'm so sorry you're going through this, I've been there to a degree and it's a terrible cycle where you just feel worse and worse. I'm so glad you're taking some steps, I think the combo of depression, tiredness, pg and a child with health issues would have any of us sobbing all day. I think you'd actually be relieved to talk to your doc, it might help you realize that it's not that something is wrong with YOU but that it's pretty common and there is help. Prayers to you and please KUP
hopefulmomtobe replied: Poor thing. I went to the doctor myself for this very same thing a while back and he said mine was anxiety. I would talk with a psychiatrist (they are soo much better then your regular doctor) and you also will have her to vent to which is nice and she can help you sort it out in your head and find another path to try. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life and believe me, if I could tell you everything that has happened in my life from it...it isnt pretty. I am divorced twice now because of my anxiety being out of control. This time before getting married my husband and I went and I was able to get it under control.
Just be careful that your doctor doesnt try to blow it off as depression when it really could be anxiety. They put me on depression meds and it made it worse for me but the anxiety meds helped me out a lot.
I hope that helps.
A&A'smommy replied: I see that was very HARD for you to share but its good that you did.. you DO need to talk to your doctor about it because I definitely believe its depression.
Danalana replied: Well, since I have no children, I guess I can't offer real advice. But I do agree that you shouldn't feel ashamed or scared to talk to someone...wow, if only more people would seek help before they totally blew. I'm sorry it's so hard. I hope and pray that things start looking up soon!
Calimama replied: Just wanted to send you tons of . It's nothing to feel ashamed of. In fact you should be proud of yourself for asking for help. It takes a strong person to do that.
gr33n3y3z replied: I think Marie is right also
Insanemomof3 replied: Oh hon, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can understand how you are feeling, I have been there. Unfortunatly I was stupid and instead of trying to 'deal' with it (i.e. going to the doctor or talking about it) I left my husband and kids...twice. I even told my hubby that I didn't want to be a mom anymore. (Please don't flame me for that one.) At that moment, I really didn't want it anymore.
It has always been my dream to be a stayathome mom and wife. Then when I got it, it was horrible in my mind. I was depressed and lonely and it seemed that the daily routine of kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bleh blah blah was just too overwhelming so I gave up. I am back with it now, and I have a different outlook.
You really should talk to your doctor. Keep lines of communication open with your husband too. You need the support. Also try finding something to get you interested in doing...like a hobby or friends or something. You HAVE to have some time to yourself. (Not trying to sound bossy lol just giving suggestions.)
amymom replied:
boyohboyohboy replied: Thank you for the support and advice. I wasnt sure how well this was going to be received. I know its not a natural thing for a mom to not want to be near her kids. I have made progress today. I felt more self assured after the responses I got here, and have called our church councelor to make an appt to go and talk to her. she is qualified to do this type of counciling. I also have looked into a mommys day out program to have jake leave me for a few hours a week, and get some interaction from kids his own age. and give me some free time. I am not sure yet what it is I want to do for myself, I guess the key is I do need to find myself, so I can be a better partner and a mom. I made the first attempt by going out this weekend and getting my hair done, and just spending some time alone while Dh keeps the kids.
thanks again
grapfruit replied: Good for you!
Kirstenmumof3 replied: It sounds like you are very depressed and I would see your doctor immediately! Tell him everything that you are feeling and don't worry no one is going to take your children! I completely sympathise with you, I felt the same way before I was diagnosed with PPD. It took a lot of courage to tell everybody how you are feeling! I hope you start to feel better soon!
~Roo'sMama~ replied: I'm sorry Stacey! It does sound like depression to me too. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep aren't helping matters either. Good for you for making an appointment and getting some time to yourself, too.
lovemy2 replied: You should never feel bad about reaching out for help - it is a hard thing to do and if more people did just what you are doing and admitting they have an issue like this people would be much happier.....I give you all the credit in the world - for alot of things - you and everyone else who is a stay at home mom are my heros - I could never do it - I need to work, I need to have that time for myself - doesn't seem really like me time in the relaxing sense but it gives me a sense of purpose and keeps my self esteem from plumeting....and thankfully I have always had really good daycare so I know my children are safe and well loved when they aren't with me....is that an option - some type of daycare even one day a week for Jake? Sometimes just that time away from you too (and I don't mean that in a bad way) is a good thing - I find when I am home with my kids alot just one day or being away from them gives us all a better perspective on each other.....
Hang in there and DON"T GIVE UP....you have taken the steps now follow through with them and get yourself the help you need and deserve
Hillbilly Housewife replied: I', still there myself.
I find though, that as much as I love my children, I almost feel guilty for looking forwad to an outing without them... ALMOST. I love and cherish the time I spend away from them, to recharge.
Sure my husband finds it annoying that he's the one that has to put the kids to bed every night... but you know what... I'm with them all day, he only sees them for a little bit. And I need the time to wind down.
The culmination for me was when I took a vacation without the kids, and without the hubby. I went away for the weekend with my mom and my grandmother. I was DREADING having to come home, because I just *knew* that I'd come home to a messy house, the kids screaming, etc etc.... and it was nice to be AWAY. Denise, I too felt like I didn't want to be a mom anymore. It's not a pleasant feeling.
I get an hour to myself every day. If I don't, I get very irritable, and m,y dh suffers. Now he knows better.
Even if it's hiring a sitter to come in for a few hours on the weekend... just so you can nap or whatever... it's definitely worth your sanity.
PS - have you checked into it possibly being post pardum depression?
DansMom replied: Just want to add my own hugs here, Stacy I had a rough couple of years after Daniel was born. The cloud lifted when he was about 2 years old. If I'd added more children, I'm positive I would be posting something very similar---the hormones take a lot out of you, and then the lifestyle, and dealing with children all day can be mind-numbing. I remember feeling guilty about how much I looked forward to being at work. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. The very best thing you can do is get unisolated and reach out---here and to doctors and family. Sometimes being understood and supported, not all alone with your feelings, is half the battle. I think your husband is right that you need to recharge and have something going on that's just yours, separate from being a parent, but also it doesn't hurt to speak to a doctor.
The part about not enjoying the time with them, but being anxious about them when you're not with them---that points to PPD. There's anxiety connected to their well-being without you, combined with a need to get away from them. There's nothing wrong with those feelings! It doesn't mean you don't treasure them and love them.
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