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a friend of mine had a miscarriage - also abortion ... sensitive subject!!!!


my2monkeyboys wrote: A friend of mine had an abortion about 4 years ago. She just recently had a miscarriage. When she had the abortion is seemed like nothing more than going to the dentist for her. However, since she had the mc, she's been a wreck. I can understand her feeling the way she is, as I am feeling devastated with her. What I can't understand though is how the abortion didn't effect her. Not too long ago we talked about it and she just said "well, I didn't want that baby. This one I do want." WTH!?!? I'm sorry, I am totally pro-life regardless of the situation, so I really do not understand this.
Is there anyone else who feels like my friend that may can help me understand?
sad.gif

Bee_Kay replied: Well, personally I am pro-life.

I've never had an abortion and I've never suffered a miscarriage.

I know some women that also feel the way your friend does and for me, it's impossible for me to understand.

I'm sorry I can't offer advice. hug.gif

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I've been through both.

It's hard to explain. It really is.

It's kinda like... and I don't mean to make light of this... but it's kind of like dumping a boyfriend. You're ok with breaking off the relationship when you decide it's time... but when you're the one to get dumped, even if you were going to dump him, it still hurts.

Does that make sense?

I'm not making any sense... I'm sorry. hug.gif

My3LilMonkeys replied:
hug.gif I didn't understand the feelings before, but your explanation made sense to me at least. Thank you.

gr33n3y3z replied: But I can see how someone that wasnt ready for a baby to have that attitude
bc they care about nothing at that point bc they make their minds beleave its ok and block it out.

But when they want it and this happends its a diffrent story
I will shut up now bc I will type stuff thats not nice wink.gif

I hope she is ok and she can try again smile.gif
hug.gif to your friend

Nina J replied: I think that she didn't emotionally attach herself in any way, shape or form to the baby she aborted. But, she did to the baby she miscarried. So, she is crushed that she lost the miscarried baby.

Personally, I am pro-choice. I understand why people are pro-life, and I hope people can understand and accept that some people are pro-choice. I am pro-choice in certain situations, I do not think that abortion should be used as a method of contraception, nor just because you don't want the baby. wink.gif



C&K*s Mommie replied: On the very surface it does Rocky, word for word it does.
OTOH, no comment. sleep.gif

jcc64 replied: I agree with NinaJ on this one.

my2monkeyboys replied: I just don't know... I understand what you are saying Zen mommy, but I don't at the same time. I guess I just cannot think of the decision to end your child's life as being anywhere in the vicinity of breaking up with someone. I just don't understand how someone can end a life simply bc it is not convenient for them. And truly, that's what most reasons for abortions come down to. Although I am against them for any reason, I can sympathize some with those that were raped and got pregnant. (Still though I think adoption is the best way.) Most other reasons though (too poor, not the "right" time, etc) are just convenience reasons. I think that's what is bothering me the most. That she is so hurt over this one, but not the other... the one she intentionally got rid of.
I'm not trying to start an arguement or anything, I swear. I am just trying to figure this out. All I can do is cry over them both, hoping they both know they were loved by someone.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I agree with Lisa - she probably just didn't allow herself to even think of the baby she aborted as a baby, because she didn't want it and didn't want to feel anything.

hug.gif hug.gif to you and your friend.

moped replied: Well you said you are pro life, I am pro choice, so you likely wouldn't understand my way of thinking. I have never had a n abortion but people close to me have and I support that choice because she was TOO YOUNG, that childs life would not have been great, there are many many reasons, and if your freind is older and more mature and ready for a family then that would tell me she is upset about the mc because she is ready and wans't then

jcc64 replied:

I have to take exception to this one. Being "too poor" is not just a "convenience reason" for not choosing to bear a child. Not being able to provide for a child is to me a very legitimate reason to terminate a pg. To suggest otherwise reveals an inability or unwillingness to understand the depth of despair and hopelessness that poverty inflicts upon many women and children. Diapers and costly baby equipment, medical care, transportation, adequate and safe housing, employment, etc are not available to everyone, not by a long shot. I've said it before, and I'll say it each and every time this type of conversation emerges here and elsewhere:
Unless and until we start showing MEANINGFUL empathy to poor women and especially children, and make the plight of our impoverished brothers and sisters a REAL priority, safe abortion will always be necessary. For a nation that likes to represent itself as a beacon of compassionate christianity, we certainly don't go out of our way to embrace the poor. The vast majority of those living beneath the poverty line are children. This reveals to me that we're doing an abysmal job of supporting the lives that are already here. The same politicians who claim to be the great defenders of life are the very same ones cutting the programs so vital to poor women and children. A great big flaming contradition, to say the least.
Abortion is a tragedy from which I am certain no woman escapes unscathed. Although I am sure there are some women that won't allow themselves to acknowledge that they are in fact ending a life, mainly out of self preservation, most women come to the decision with very heavy hearts. The reality is too painful, and the human mind has an amazing capacity to talk itself out of things that are too devastating to digest. I'm sure your friend's peace of mind has been shattered, whether it's obvious to you or not. If you want to be a friend, I would reserve your rather punishing judgments and offer her the support she clearly needs.

ashtonsmama replied:
dito.gif

I totally don't agree in "wanting" one baby and discarding another because it either "Wasn't the right time" or whatever. I think it's bull. But I have strong opinions on this.

I DO believe however, that if a girl is raped or forced into sex and becomes pregnant, that is the ONLY time I'd say I was ok with abortion. Make sense?

I don't know what else to say. Sorry.

moped replied:
I think we all have strong opinions - and that is just what they are opinions..........

I have to agree once again with jcc64 on this one.

BUT, some are pro life, some are pro choice, we can't make another persons decisions and we should respect what others feel is right

ashtonsmama replied:
I know Jen.
And it is JUST my opinion, so I'm not saying that mine or anyone else's is the "right" one, it's just what we all believe, and it can't always be the same.
wink.gif

mckayleesmom replied: She is probably taking this one harder because the first time she chose the outcome...this she had no choice in the matter.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied:

No one who feels like your friend can ever help anyone who is adamantly pro-life understand.
This is a personal decision that was made by your friend. Whatever her reasons, you don't necessarily have to understand them. As her friend you should be able to look beyond your feelings on this matter and support her through this time. That's what she needs right now. She lost a baby. Period, end of discussion.

mom2my2cuties replied: I have been trying to think of a way to respond to your question without the Pro-Life or Pro-Choice. While I am pro-life, and adamantly against abortion (except in VERY expressed situations) I think that, that is well beside the point.

What the issue is at hand, your friend lost a child - Plain, Pure & Simple. No matter if you agree or not with her choice in having an abortion - whatever the reason. She lost her child recently, and she needs you to be her friend right now. Not pass judgement on her for her past.

luvbug00 replied:

my thoughts exactly

ashtonsmama replied:
I do totally agree on this.
wink.gif

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
I might be opening a can of worms but I can't let this go. Even in a case like this abortion is the easy way out. There is no reason that someone who cannot keep her baby because she is too poor, young, or just not ready can't still have the baby, and give it up for adoption. Even in cases of rape or something like that. If medical expenses are an issue, there are things like medical assistance so that the mother would not have to pay a dime. It doesn't cost anything to give up a baby for adoption. It might be the more inconvenient way, but it is far better than taking the life of an innocent child.

I also have to say, that I don't think that willsmama is being unsupportive of her friend - I'm sure she is being there for her, in fact she said she is devestated with her. She just needed to vent a little and there's nothing wrong with that. wink.gif

my2monkeyboys replied:
Thank you so much for that. I do think some folks here are feeling like I am judging her and not being there for her, which is completely not the case. She doesn't even know I am feeling this way, and never will if I can help it as I do not want to hurt her. That's why I'm talking about it on here, where she cannot find out and where I can get it off my chest as much as possible.
I will also agree that being poor doesn't legitimize abortion... there is always adoption regardless of your economic status. Not including there are free birth controls given out everyday at the health clinics. I just think that life is a gift and we should not get rid of it when in all reality it could have been prevented 99.9% of the time. (Or even 100%... can anyone say abstinence?)
I didn't mean for this to turn into a debate about abortion. I am just trying to understand my friend better. Someone said that she probably just didn't allow herself to regard the aborted pregnancy as being an actual baby, and therefore was able to keep her distance and not become attached. I don't know that I could ever do that, but that's the only thing that could even possibly make sense, I think.
Anyway, I hope no one was hurt in this discussion. I cannot judge anyone, and will not judge anyone. But I will have beliefs of what is right and wrong, as will we all.
Thanks to everyone that has tried to help me understand this fragile, confusing thing.
hug.gif

Brias3 replied: I can't say that I am like your friend at all but my line of thinking on the issue is that when she had the abortion, she was so dead set on not working the baby into her life/at a point where a baby wouldn't have been possible that she felt in all respects unconnected to the pregnancy. Now, being in a place where she wants to have a child, something like the miscarriage is affecting her alot more. I think it probably has alot to do with mindset at each occurance but I agree with you, its still hard to comprehend how someone could feel so different at each point.

Prayers for your friend as she goes through this difficult experience.

coasterqueen replied: I personally cannot help you understand this because I personally cannot judge someone not being in their shoes. Those judging have no idea what this woman is going through on the inside or what the situation was. She may act like she's ok on the outside but inside could be totally different.

There are many things we all can't fathom of what others do. I can't fathom how someone would feed their baby formula when breastmilk is the best source of nutrition, but I've learned not to judge them.

hug.gif hug.gif to your friend.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Oh I know it's not in the same vicinity... it was just a metaphor. Or simile..whatever... that's what i meant when I said i wasn't trying to make light of it...it's just basically meaning what someone else worded much better.... with the abortion... she chose the outcome...and went with it... whereas the miscarriage... she didn't have a choice...

gr33n3y3z replied:
exactly well said smile.gif
and I see your trying to understand what she is feeling also

my2monkeyboys replied: As I said earlier, she has no idea I'm so confused by this, and she never will. She is my friend first and foremost, and I always support her no matter what. As for the baby she has recently lost, I don't think I could feel any worse except maybe if it was my own. I am being there for her and helping her every way I can. I am just trying to help myself figure this out is all. I'm not sure why I am being thought of as being so judgemental and not being there for her. I do think abortion is wrong, which is why I'm having such a hard time with this, I guess, but she is my friend. I'm actually trying to be a better friend by understanding her situation as best I can.

mckayleesmom replied: I just wanted to ad....Perhaps the abortion does affect and bother her, but maybe she doesn't like to talk about it. Being human...wether she wanted the baby or not...what she chose to do would probably affect anyone. She might still make the same decision today if she had to do it all over again, but she probably does feel it deep down. Who couldn't?

I would think that her abortion choice and losing this baby have alot of mixed in emotions on her right now.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
I agree with this. Mine was about 7 years ago, and I still think about it all the time. sleep.gif

gabriella replied: I know what you mean JCC about the politics and Christianity sad.gif

Gabriella x


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