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You opinions?


cameragirl21 wrote: Ok, I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point because this has the potential to become a tremendously long post and the topic may be controversial so I apologize in advance if it offends or makes anyone uncomfortable, it's just that a friend of mine and I had a huge argument about this last night and I am curious where others stand on this.
I also want to say that I know for some of you, my friend's opinions may seem extreme so if you disagree with her, please do so without calling her names or judging her as we are all entitled to our opinions. Or who knows, maybe you all will agree with her, that is why I'm asking.
Ok, abortion is mentioned here but is NOT meant to be the heart of this argument so I ask that we please not turn this into a debate on abortion as I know some here have very strong views on the subject.
Ok, the bottom line is this--I personally am a big fan of adoption and think that there are many childless couples out there who can't have their own kids and would happily open their homes and hearts to a child whose bio parents may not be in a position to raise him/her. My friend feels adoption is abandonment and feels that there should be a stigma around abandoning a baby.
My friend has a niece and nephew who are both teens and it seems they are being taught in school that if you become pg and carry the baby to term and give him/her up for adoption then you're a wonderful person and my friend takes serious issue with this thinking.
I feel personally that while I am staunchly pro-choice, I know abortion is not for everyone and not everyone is in a postion to raise a child and that adoption is a good option. I admit that there is a huge demand for white babies and minimal demand for minority babies so it's quite possible that a baby placed for adoption may never find a home and may be bounced around through the system. I also have spoken to quite a few adoptees and most found it to be a good experience while I had a good friend in elementary school who was adopted and for her it was a horrible experience as her parents had serious issues that they took out on her. So I realize that there is no guarantee that adoption will be a good situation for a child.
So bottom line--my friend feels that someone who becomes pg should either be expected to raise the child herself, whether she's up to the task or not or should be encouraged to have an abortion and that adoption should not be seen as a means to consider herself a wonderful person. I did mention to my friend that if a teenage girl, for instance, is pg and wants to consider adoption that nowadays she can meet prospective couples and choose who will raise her child and sometimes it's an open adoption altogether and that my friend is ok with. What she is not ok with is randomly signing away a baby without any clearcut knowledge as to where s/he will end up, as well as leaving a baby in a hospital, which you can do nowadays, no questions asked.
I, on the other hand, feel that abortion is not for everyone and as pro-choice as I am, I would not appreciate someone trying to encourage me to have an abortion if I were pg and were not sure what to do. I feel that no one should be forced to raise a baby she doesn't want and that abortion is not for everyone and adoption is a viable option and that while I don't think putting a child up for adoption automatically qualifies you as a wonderful person, I don't think it makes you a horrible person either. Even if you leave a baby at a hospital, I don't think it makes you a horrible person, it sure beats leaving a baby in a dumpster which is what some people did before this hospital law came into effect.
My question is this--do you subscribe to this "if you wanna play you have to pay" attitude that my friend has that if you choose to DTD and you have an oops that you are stuck with either raising a baby you don't want or an abortion (for those of you who are pro-choice) or that you should be stigmatized for putting a baby up for adoption?
Simply put, do you believe there should be a stigma to someone who puts a baby up for adoption without knowing where the baby will end up or leaves the baby in a hospital? Do you think it is any more "noble" for lack of a better term to raise a baby even if you are resentful about doing so? Remember that anyone who would leave a baby at a hospital would not likely be an ideal parent to that baby if she were forced to keep it and raise it.
I'm seriously curious what people's thoughts are and I hope this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. I ask about this because my friend brought up a good point--that there are so many unwanted kids in the system and that we really don't have a good solution. She is absolutely right. I don't think the solution is forcing people who don't want to be moms to become moms, nor do I think coercing someone into abortion is a great idea either.
What are your thoughts? What do you think a viable solution is? And again, I realize many of you are strongly against abortion and may be upset by the idea of encouraging someone to have one but I ask again that you please focus on the question of whether or not there should be a stigma to adopting out a baby where you are not sure where the baby will end up.

stella6979 replied: I think adoption is a WONDERFUL thing and I'll leave it at that.

lisar replied: My dh was adopted and raised by very loving people. I think if you get pg and dont want an abortion for whatever reason and dont want the child for whatever reason then adoption is GREAT. Let someone who cant have kids raise that child. If you force someone to raise a child they didnt want, the only person thats gona pay is that child.

mummy2girls replied: Adoption is fine... Whats more healthy for a child growing up with a mom who didnt really want you or a loving couple that choose to adopt you and gives you all the love they can just as if they are thier own?

PrairieMom replied: I think that dropping kids at a safe drop off point and anonymous adoption are 2 separate deals. While safe drop off points are obviously IMO preferable to abortions, I think that it seems more like abandonment than annomyous adoptions. I would PERSONALLY place a stigma on it, but don't think that society should. Does that make sense?
I don't think that adoption in any form is abandonment.

On the other hand, my boyfriend in high school thought that adoption was the cruelest thing that you could do to a person. huh.gif He is an idiot.

DVFlyer replied: I'm pro-adoption and think it's a great service, but it IS abandoning your child.

coasterqueen replied:
Hey you! Where have you been? Hope you are back. hug.gif hug.gif

luvbug00 replied:
I'm adoopted and you all know this..I felt differantly about it for a stint there thanks to lars' brainwashing...I' back to myself and my old way of thinking.( just wanted to clarify because i know at one point lars convinced me to do the adoption thing..blinded by "love" i suppose)


the "idiot" is pretty darn close to reality..

People are so romantic aboout adoption and it makes my stonmach turn.

coasterqueen replied:
I think calling him an idiot (if you mean for him saying that about adoption) is not very nice. I know several people who were adopted who feel the same way. That it was the cruelest things their parents ever did for them. What you have to remember is some of those who are adopted feel nothing but abandonment their entire lives and struggled with who they are all their lives. I've got a friend who has never recovered from finding out he was adopted. That doesn't make him a terrible person - we aren't in his shoes or anyone else who has been adopted to say otherwise. THEN there are those who think that being adopted was a great thing and they go through life happy and thankful to those who adopted them. And that is great as well. Just because you and me think adoption is great, doesn't mean the person who was adopted does or is selfish in anyway for feeling that way.

coasterqueen replied:
I completely agree.


One can't say abortion is murder and the easy way out and then turn around and say adoption is so great, that a person is so giving for doing so and that they aren't abandoning their child. (p.s. DvFlyer - not that you said that - just making a general statement wink.gif )

PrairieMom replied: okay, don't mean to offend anyone who shares the same opinion as my x-boyfriend by calling him an idiot... people are entitled to their own opinions, I have a history of being open minded, and try not to judge. I didn't mean it like that...

But, I knew the guy... he is an idiot. rolling_smile.gif

coasterqueen replied:
You didn't offend me, personally. Just calling out why some may think it's cruel and why some wouldn't and they both are correct for those who feel that way.

PrairieMom replied:
ITA.
I should have put the "he's an idiot" part on a different line. Or left it out all together.

coasterqueen replied:
happy.gif Well that's why I said I only thought it wasn't nice if you meant about his stance on adoption wink.gif I figured you didn't mean it that way, but I had to clarify for my own personal issues with a close friend who has never recovered from being adopted. His life went seriously downhill when he found out in high school that he was in fact adopted. sleep.gif

DVFlyer replied: I had a conversation with someone about adoption. We had a girl at my office who was adopting a child (turned out to be several over the course of a few years) because of the tax benefits and the fact she "didn't want to go through childbirth again". As well as getting some sort of assistance because she adopted "minority" children IIRC.

To me, this is not the reason to adopt a child. They still need to be adopted, but there are too many people who *can't* have children and she took available children from them for questionable reasons.

cameragirl21 replied: ok, this is where I have to ask--and mind you, as you I've mentioned before, I am 100% pro-choice...I voted for Obama in large part due to his strong pro-choice views and would never vote for someone like Palin due to her strong stance against abortion BUT would you really say that it is better to be aborted than adopted?
I realize some children end up in horrible situations but I have a hard time with this notion of an already born person being considered better off aborted than adopted.
Btw, if any of you feel this way I am not judging you, just wondering if this is how you feel about the subject.

luvbug00 replied: Jen,
I will be blunt here. If you had asked me this pre-mya then my answer would have been yes or i'd rather be living amounst trash piles in Guatemala.
Now that i have mya i can not longer say yes or wish differant corse of history. ONLY because of her.
But again the romaticiasm of adoption is unbelievable and most people who do adopt have no idea what thier kids are feeling. Not even most of the shrinks i visited in my life got it. It almost drove me to suiside a coupple times..

My3LilMonkeys replied:
ITA. I feel that adoption is by far a better choice than abortion, but that doesn't change the fact that you're abandoning your child either way.

msoulz replied:
That is very interesting, and of course sad. I am so sorry you had those feelings. hug.gif But thanks for sharing; that may give us all some insight into how some kids really feel.

cameragirl21 replied: I'm really sorry you feel that way, Nadia, feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.
Take care. hug.gif

coasterqueen replied:
I think only the person in that particular situation can tell you whether they felt being adopted was better. A lot would say yes, a lot would say no.

Is adoption better from the standpoint of being the person who would do it? I'm not sure I could really answer that. I mean, if you know your child went to a safe, healthy, happy home - sure - yes it is far better. If your child didn't, and for some reason people seem to think when kids get adopted they 100% of the time go to happy, healthy families which is bull in my eyes, then I'm not really for sure. Yes, you could look at adoption better than abortion because adoption is saving a life and abortion is "murdering" one (as some would say), but the person who puts their child up for adoption has NO WAY of knowing most times if their child ends up in a happy home. Yeah, they get the fairytale notion that the child did and they can go on with life, maybe not guilt free, but feeling like they did the best for their child......but did they really????? Is putting a child in a non-happy, healthy, safe home better for the child than them NEVER knowing that life existed? I'll leave my opinions to myself and leave you all with questions you can ponder yourself.

I've met people who were adopted and extremely happy with their outcome. They were the fortunate ones. I've met some that didn't end up in a happy, safe, healthy family and well they were the unfortunate ones.


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