Would you read your child's DIARY? - I wouldn't.......

CAMSMOM1 wrote: Would you read your child's diary?

I work at an after school program with kids grades K-6th. I have this 6th grade girl, Alaina, who is dating one of the 6th grade boys. It's a typical elementary relationship. Alaina confides in me, as do many of the kids. They tell me things they would never tell their parents.
Alaina had written about her boyfriend in her diary. Her mother, who is a single mom and very strick, read her diary. She read all about her boyfriend, and went crazy!!! Her Mom came into our work and was crying. She told me what she had read and how dissapointed she was in her daughter. She says she to young to have a boyfriend, and that she was keeping it from her. She grounded Alaina. She wasn't allowed to go to recess, play with friends, and especially couldn't talk to boys. She was acting as if she read that her daughter was having sex, not a little crush! I tried to remind her of what it was like when we were 12 years old, and how we would write "I love so and so" in our diary, it's just harmless puppy love. Her Mom wasn't buying it. Poor Alaina...she now has the impression she is a bad girl for having a crush.

I think it was out of line for her mother to read her diary. Those are her personal thoughts and very private.

I remember my Mom reading my diary in High School and how I felt betrayed. It made me keep more things from her, and made me rebel even more. She broke my trust. Yes, I was doing some bad things at 16, but why couldn't she have asked me instead of reading something so private? Even children are allowed to have some privacy!

Would you read your child's diary?????

Ann

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Never in a million years. I would have freaked if my mom had read mine.

mckayleesmom replied: No..I wouldn't read Russell or Mckaylees diary's or journals or whatever they have.

Maybe the mom is overreacting because of her own guilty consious perhaps. Did she get pregnant as a teenager? Maybe that is why she is upset about her daugter...maybe it is more fear of her repeating her mistakes she made in life.

PhiMuMommy replied: nope. that is the ultimate way of saying i will never trust you.. ever.. that is just ridiculous. i feel bad for that poor girl

kimberley replied: tbh, it would really depend on the circumstances. ideally i would love to just blindly trust that i taught my child well enough to stay on the right path and leave him/her to her privacy... BUT if he/she displays visible signs of being in trouble (ie drugs, sex, pg, eating disorder) and refuses to talk about it, i might breech that confidence to help my child. i would rather be a "nosy" parent and protect my child from extreme danger than be his/her "friend" and silently watch them destroy themselves. again, it would have to be pretty serious for me to cross that line though.

in the case of your student, i agree the mom was out of line. she needs to learn to choose her battles.

A&A'smommy replied:
ITA that is EXACTLY what I was going to say!!

holley79 replied: I think the mom is totally out of line. The child was not displaying that she was up to no good. I'm with Kimberly on this one. I would breech it if I was absolutely certain that my child was in trouble and I had asked her/ him about it. I wouldn't want my child never to trust me otherwise so I would leave their personal belongings just as they were, personal. My mom never read mine. I knew that I could talk to my mom about EVERYTHING and still do. She's my best friend. Now that this mother has done this to her child the relationship probably will never be 100% solid.

MamaJAM replied: My mother read my journal in high school a few times...and it caused MAJOR issues between us.

I wouldn't read my child's diary...UNLESS - I was seriously worried they were in trouble (like drugs/sex/drinking....not just normal kid/teen stuff). A kid should be allowed to express themselves in a dairy/journal without worrying about their privacy being invaded.

3xsthefun replied: I would not unless, I thought there was something really bad going on.

luvbug00 replied: ITA with Kimberley compleately.

PrairieMom replied: I would. I'm totally nosey, and I feel that it is my job to know what is going on in my childs life. mostly durring HS years when they could get into trouble. I would also make sure that I did't get caught in the act tho.

MommyToAshley replied:
I agree 100% here with Kimberley.

jcc64 replied: I agree with Kimberly as well. I noticed that most of the replies that said absolutely not came from parents with young children. I probably would have responded the same way at that point in my life. But now that my oldest is a teenager, I see that nothing is black and white. My mom read some of my private writings when I was in high school, and she totally flipped out on me. At the time, I was furious. But looking back as a mom myself now, I realize I was exhibiting signs of trouble- I was doing a lot of drugs and hanging out with "questionable" kids- my mom was concerned and trying to do the right thing. It's not always clear what that is, exactly.
My oldest ds is very secretive and withholding about what he does when he's out with his friends. Most of it is probably pretty innocent stuff, but then again, I was already drinking and smoking at his age, so maybe not. He's starting to ask for more freedom, which I feel he deserves as long as he proves he's responsible enough to handle it. Dh and I just decided to install some software on his computer that will allow us to monitor what he's up to online. Once we're satisified that his comings and goings are basically harmless and age appropriate and not likely to put him in compromising situations, we will leave him his privacy. We are not likely to confront him about any of it, but it will help us when making decisions about how much independence to give him at this point.
It's a very fragile balancing act with teenagers- and anyone who claims to have all the right answers is in for a fall. To me, it is the most challenging part of parenting to date.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: ITA with Kimberly here! My mom read all the notes we passed in between classes once and I felt so betrayed! I think everyone deserves privacy and the room to grow-I was not up to anything and there was nothing in the stuff she read to get me in trouble but it was still a breech-however if I saw signs of real trouble I would do whatever it took to protect my child!

mammag replied: I agree as well. I wouldn't just to be nosey and know every little thought going on in their head. But if there were some signs of trouble, I definitely would.

My mom also used to read all my notes and stuff so I didn't bother keeping a journal...in fact she threw away all my notes from Chris. They even found one that I was writing to Chris and complaining about them (I was 16 for goodness sake) and still have it and bring it up when they are mad like I was an awful daughter.....pathetic really!

I will give them privacy unless I see some issues then it becomes my job as a parent to figure out what is going on with them to protect them.

CantWait replied: Once again I totally agree with Kimberley. I wouldn't read it unless I thought that she (or he) might be in some major kind of trouble.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I say no - but I might change my mind.

I hope that my children will trust me enough that they can be honest with me about anything... and that they respect me enough not to lie to me about anthing serious. If they have a journal... it's their private place.

Some of us have had the SO or DH come online and read what we wrote... and while some of us encourage our DHs to read and participate, some of us have been mortified and/or really upset that our privacy has been breached. It'sd the same with our children... we reap what we sow - and if we teach our children to respect OUR privacy... it's only fair to respect theirs, in my opinion.

I personally would just try to encourage my children to write in a journal - it's an excellent creative outlet, and it's a place where they can be as emotional as they want to be without having consequences. I would also encourage my children to share their thoughts, feelings, concerns and questions with us as parents though... we don't have all the answers... but we may be able to make our kids feel normal when they don't feel normal over something.

I want my kids to confide in us as parents. I will never be able control my children's choices... but I can control the environment in which they learn to make the choices.

ions_momma replied: I dont think I would ever read my child's diary. Even children need privacy and by reading thier diary, you are taking that away from them. I would hope that they would feel as though they can talk to me about anything and not have to hide it. I understand though that it isnt easy to tell your parents everything, so I think if there are things that they dont want to share, they need a place where they can at least write about it.

jacobsmama replied: I agree with Kimberly but DH and I kinda got into debate he said he never would but if you honeslty have reason to believe they are in serious trouble I think you should look not to be nosey but for your childs safety.

My2Beauties replied: I wholeheartedly agree with Kimberley on this one. No way in H E double hockey sticks would I read her diary if I didn't have a reason to. I would honor her privacy and I want to trust in my daughter and the decisions she makes. BUt if she showed telltale "sign" of trouble (the ones Kimberley mentioned) then I would skim through it to see if anything caught my eye regarding the type of behavior I was worried about. My mom never read my diary (that I know of, she would have been furious if she did believe me ) and I so respect her for that. She did find a note that I had accidentally saved to our computer that I wrote to a friend and read it, but it wasn't her fault, it was just there when she went into Microsoft Word. There was some not so good stuff in it too (I won't go into detail, I wasn't an angel as a teenager, I wasn't bad but still not an angel) and she wasn't happy with it, but we talked and she said she would still never read my diary but that she wanted me to talk to her about things! That was the best because then I trusted her more.

mom2tripp replied: NO! Unless I supsected something going one, otherwise my children are entitled to their privacy!!

My2Beauties replied: I just asked the girls at work, one has 2 daughters ages 5 and 10 and the other has 2 children a boy age 13 and a girl age 5 and she said she agress with what I said but the other lady with the 2 girls said she will and has read her daughter's diary and that kids have no privacy! Does anyone think this?

Edited for spelling

MamaJAM replied:
This was my mother's thinking when I was growing up. She'd go through my backpack, purse, bedroom, she always opened my mail - and thought NOTHING of it. It was clear to me that I had no privacy.....she never came right out and said it to me - but as early as 9-yrs-old, I knew it. Frankly - it drove a huge wedge between us.....I never wanted to tell her anything - and it got worse as I got older. During high school - I got really good at hiding things from her. I did actually keep a journal but did my best to hide it from her - though she did find it a few times and always got really ticked (I'd complain about her in there) -- I was careful never to write anything really important (which stinks - because now I have no real record of my thoughts and feelings from back then.

I will say one good thing came out of all of that - I know how important privacy is for everyone -- and, like I stated before, unless I suspect there is something really bad goign on in any of my kids' lives -- they will have privacy and the ability to express themselves how they want (they can even complain about me in their journals ).

mammag replied:
That is just plain mean!! And, to be honest, you could be setting yourself up to some heartache. How many of us didn't "hate" our parents at one time or another. Do you really want to see that in writing?

If there is no signs of serious trouble, all you are doing is hurting the relationship. That is just sad.