Who to designate as caregiver to your child - when you pass on

coasterqueen wrote: Okay, this is a serious issue and I've beat it into the ground so many times that I thought I would see what you all say. This could get long.

We have still yet to finalize a will. We have a draft, but we can't agree on one thing so we haven't seen a lawyer to finalize it. The issue is over who will take care of our children when we pass on. We thought we had the decision made, which was to have DH's sister and BIL take on the responsibility. They have one child together, she has another from a previous relationship and he has two from a previous relationship. They are VERY well off. His sister, while a bit of a snob, has a lot of the qualities I would want for the mother of my children. Her husband does too, but I'm a bit less fond of him.

Well the problem is they have now moved to Georgia. Ryan and I really want whoever raises our children to raise them in our hometown because we don't want them uprooted to new schools, or a new state for that matter and we want them close to both sets of grandparents which they would be. Okay, so now that they've moved to Georgia that kinda puts them out of the equation. Although they are REALLY the best for the position.

So we have talked considerably about who else we could chose. Well, there's my sister who is 25, not married but in a semi-stable relationship. She may be 25 but she acts like a 16 year old and doesn't quite understand responsibility just yet. She's very immature and her views on how a child should be parented are FAR FAR different than I want my child to be raised with. So Dh and I really think she's out of consideration.

Then there's DH's dad and step-mother. He's going to be 59 this year and she's somewhere in her early 40's. They have a son who is going to be 8 this year. While they would be good parents there are a few things like smoking pot and drinking in front of their child (not the pot, just drinking) that we do not approve of. That isn't the biggest issue. The biggest issue is if for some reason we die tomorrow (god forbid) and they take the responsibility on and then say 10 years down the road my FIL passes on then it would be my step-MIL who would raise them. Well that kinda irks me a bit because it would not be a "blood" family member raising her and that would hurt my parents feelings and I know once our children would be raised by them (FIL and step-MIL) I can't say ok, if FIL dies then our children then get passed on to my parents. KWIM . So we feel they aren't an option either.

So then there's my parents. Dh is firmly saying they are out of the question and I am thinking the same thing. While my dad is only 51 and my mother is 48, they may be excellent grandparents...they DO NOT make excellent parents what-so-ever. Their job is grandparents, they could never do the parenting thing again and their views are FAR different from ours.

So......well then there are cousin's but if we did that both our immediate families would be irrate with us and may cause tension for our girls when we are gone that we don't want.

So it's back to DH's sister....but she doesn't live here. I would love to pick them but I don't want to tear our children away from what they would know of all their life, kwim?

I don't know why I'm posting because I know no one can make the decision for us but it seems like an impossible decision to make. Maybe I"m just seeking some comfort. I don't know.

mammag replied: Like you said, no one can really make the decision, but based on what you posted I'm thinking the sister is still the best bet. At least they sound more stable. I am kind of in the same predicament because I can't decide between my two sisters but they both live far away or my MIL who they are soooooo close with but she is in her 60's so really couldn't do it. It's such a tough decision because what you really want is to have a guarantee that nothing like that would ever happen.

5littleladies replied: We have had this discussion many, many times and have yet to come up with an answer. I think no matter what it is a hard decision because no matter who we end up choosing and no matter how wonderful the person/people are, they will never raise our kids exactly as we would and obviously there is no one better suited to raise my kids than me. Both of our sets of parents are out of the question-Dh's parents are divorced-His dad is an alcholic and his mom is a wonderful person but would never be up to raising our 3-soon to be 4 kids. My parents are an absolute no-My dad is a great guy and very stable, but my mom has quite a few loose screws and I would never want her raising my kids. None of our siblings are married or in a position to raise children so they won't work either. Honestly, right now our first choice would be Scott and Sara but how could we ask them to take on our already made family when they are just starting on their own.

I think in your situation I would go with Dh's sister. It would be incredibly hard I know to uproot them, and at such a difficult time, but I would look for stability in the future and if you don't feel anyone around you is able to provide that then I would say the sister is the best option. It's a difficult decision no matter how you look at it.

kimberley replied: that is a tough decision. if it were me, i would probably stick to DH's sis & BIL but make a point of staying close with them and visiting often so the place isn't completely strange. don't forget, kids are resilient and acclimate to new situations a lot faster than we do. Karen, the likelihood that something will happen to both you and DH is very minimal so try not to get too worked up about it. and wills are always changeable. i would rather see my kids brought up in a new state/school with my values than at home with people who would have me spinning in my grave. just my . BIG to you!

Jamison'smama replied: we are struggling with this same issue--Who will your children be the closest to--who do your children love and feel most comfortable with? Losing both parents will be the most difficult thing no matter what so moving them out of the city may still be the better option. We live 13 hours from the closest grandparent and 10 from the closest family member so our children will be uprooted as well if something were to happen. I never really put much thought into the fact that they would move but more into who I thought would be the best parent--that is the bigger issue. They would adjust to a new city as they would if you moved as well. Who will raise your children with the values that are most important. Money may not need to be an issue in that decision if you and DH have a decent life insurance policy and specify how that money would be spent. My DH and I are the chosen people for my sisters 2 boys, his sister's 2 boys and a close friend's children--which is another option. A friend of mine does not have any close relatives that she trusts to raise her children and has chosen us as we share similar parenting styles, love her children deeply and have agreed that we would continue their involvement with their blood relatives.

We have 2 great choices for our kids but they are great for very different reasons and have not been able to come to a conclusion either--I also need help deciding.

ammommy replied: I'd go with your original choice, too. You never know a) if this will become a real scenario or where they will be living at the time. I think that the stability is much more important than the geography. That, plus (sorry to be morbid here) the grandparents may not even be alive at the time.

We are struggling with this, too but are leaning towards the Godparents. Good luck with your decision. It's a difficult one.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I've thought about this a lot too.. it is a hard decision to make! My sister and brother in law would be the most logical choice for us - they're close to our age (my sister and her dh are both 2 years older than I am and one year younger than Scott) and they're pretty stable. Plus they live 4 miles down the road from my parents. BUT they live 4 hours away from here, and my sister is more nit-picky when it comes to her son than I would be with my kids. Of course my own parenting skills haven't really developed yet but I think that our style would be a bit different from ours.
MY first choice would be Jennifer and Jason but they already have lots of kids so I would feel bad unloading mine on them too. And my sister is pretty sensative and I'm afraid she'd be hurt if we didn't pick them. That isn't a very good thing to base this kind of decision on though.
In your case I'd have to say your Dh's sister still sounds like the best option, allthough I understand where you're coming from with the distance issue. But when all is said and done having to move to a different state, though maybe a bit traumatic when you've just lost your parents, might not be as bad as being brought up and molded by the wrong person.

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
You know that doesn't matter. If (Heaven forbid!) anything happend to you and Jas I'd want to take your kids even if you had 10 of them! I sure wouldn't be able to sleep at night if they ended up with your mother or Laura.

Alice replied: I think the geography should be secondary to whomever is the best choice, so I agree that you probably should stay with your original choice.

I'm not fond of the idea of the grandparents raising the kids; it's a real hardship on the elderly, and they're not always in a position to be on top of a teenager.

Besides, all of those people who do live near you: what guarentee do you have that they'll continue to live nearby? Things change, jobs and people move.

Do what's right for your family, of course, but I would stay with your original choice.

5littleladies replied:
Lol!! Well then may I say the same to you-with the ridiculous brood we have already I don't think that adding a couple of your kids to the mix would make that much of a difference. Although with Scott as their father you never know...

mummy2girls replied: I admit me and aron havent decided on that either We did when she was just a newborn that my brother and his gf would BUT lots of things have happened so we have agreed to not have them anymore. Aron does not want my sister and hubby to be guardian of jenna And i dont really either because of everything she has done. So i am pushing for his sister and hubby. I havent brought it up to him again so i think i may have to soon.

My family is like a soap show so its really hard to decide!

coasterqueen replied: Thanks everyone. I think we are leaning towards our original choice of SIL and BIL. ALthough Kylie is not really close to them, she adores her cousins and I know that she would eventually adjust. I guess it just hurts so bad to think of all the "what ifs" of when you do pass on, you know? It just kills me to think about it. I should have never watched that Christina Applegate movie that came out not too long ago. You know the one where her sister died and they never thought she'd be the one who would get chosen to take care of the kids. Yeah wrong movie to watch.

Anyways, since you are all right and I can change this later I think if we do come to the decision that it will be BIL and SIL I don't think I'm going to tell them though. Because if I tell them and then later my sister "grows up" and we decide she's the one...well that can make matters worse. I think I will include a letter with the will from DH and I as to why we made our decision. Does that sound corny?

We keep telling ourselves that nothing will ever happen to us, but you know if it does I feel like my kids will respect us more if we have all of this taken care of instead of leaving it to the courts and family members to bicker among each other, ya know. I want my children to know that we love them enough that we've thought of even the worst possible. I guess it's because my grandpa died without a will and so did DH's grandpa and the years in court over everything was just too much for the both of us. Thankfully in those decisions kids weren't the issue, it was money and property, but still it was just too much for all of us and I never want my children going through that ever.

Thank you again for listening/reading my post and giving me your views. It really does mean a lot to me and will give Ryan and I some things to ponder on.

~KARA~ replied: This was an easy decision for my dh and I. My parents get them and if something happens to my parents My 18 yr old sister gets them.
While my dh's oldest sister has a *hit load of money she has no kids of her own yet and has no motherly instincts. My mil is way out of the question cause 1. I dont know how she ever raised her 3 kids and 2. my kids dont like her very well.

I know my family would fight to keep the kids together cause the oldest has a different father, and Im not sure in laws would!

loveydad replied: As it stands at this very moment, if I kick off right now and so does tav, the kids will be seperated.

Henry will go live with his mother (ICK! more incentive not to die)
Vincent, Kelton, Tracy, Nicky, would go to my ex in Cali
C and C would go back to their mom. Brooklyn- I dont' know.

But if it all possible when Henry turns 18 he will be named godfather of the kids. only cause I'm aware something could happen to me, and he would know what to do, we've talked about this, he wants it, he gets all my money if he's 18 and tav and I die anyway. I dont' know if that's possible if anyone does let me know.