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What would you do? - Dh trying to quit smoking


coasterqueen wrote: help.gif Okay, to make a long story somewhat short, Dh and I agreed that we would quit smoking when I got pregnant. Well almost a year ago I did get pg and I quit. He decided he couldn't. Now this was very important to me to raise a child with two parents who didn't smoke. We both thought it was important and that was why we agreed to quit. I guess he didn't think I would get pg so fast, but I did. He tried to quit once when I was pg but he couldn't do it but said he would quit when she was born.

Well....he couldn't do it so I said he could keep smoking as long as I and the baby could not smell it and he could never smoke around the baby AND if I smelled it he had to quit immediately! Well he couldn't keep the smell from me and I told him that he agreed to quit so he needed to. Well....he got mad then we agreed he would quit by the time she is a year old. Well, she will be a year in a few days, he quit last night, but now he is blaming me saying I forced him and is being a real A** to me!

What would you do if you were in my position? Would you tell him to keep going? Make him follow thru with his word? Or what? I really don't think I can live with a smoker now that I quit. I want a cigarette every day and the only thing keeping me from doing that is my daughter. If he continues to smoke I will either start back up or I will have to leave him. I really don't want to do either.

Any advice, BTDT's, support, anything would be so appreciated. I am so depressed about this. Why did he have to wait until a few days before her 1st bday to quit? banghead.gif dunno.gif

kit_kats_mom replied: I don't have much advise, except for the nicotine gum worked for me and the lozenges worked for my dh. You can get it online in bulk for alot less than in the stores. It at least took the edge off. Perhaps you guys could compromise and he could smoke when you guys arent around, like in his car or at work, but not at home. Then he should shower, change and brush his teeth as soon as he walks in the door. He could use the gum or lozenges in the evenings if a craving hit. I would ask him to try that to ease himself out of it so that you and your baby aren't left daddyless. Otherwise he will just smoke behind your back. I don't know anyone who has quit for good unless they really wanted too. I was still smoking when I drank but I got so sick the last time that I think I won't be doing that again.

MommyToAshley replied: DH quit smoking before I got PG, and he was not the most pleasant person to be around at the time. LOL. The people that say a PG woman's hormones are bad haven't been around a man trying to quit smoking. rolling_smile.gif

But, DH really wanted to quit, I think that was the key. I had nagged him for years, but he never quit until HE decided that he could do it. He used the nicotine gum too. He recommends it to anyone trying to quit.

MomofTay&Sam replied: No amount of nagging will help. He will only quit if he wants to. sad.gif It's not even something I see he wants to do for you guys. I smoke and it's a very bad habit but I am not ready to stop. I never smoke around my child, in my car or in my house. I realize I am killing myself but have not seen the light yet. sad.gif Sad huh!

amynicole21 replied: Gotta chime in here, regrettably I'm a smoker too. I quit for my whole pregnancy and started up again when she was 3mos old. DH was supposed to quit with me the first time, then again when I was going to quit a few months ago. Never worked for him, and of course I always started back up. I'm not blaming my smoking on him, but it sure does make it easier to smoke when I have a cohort. Being an ex-smoker yourself, you know how horribly addictive that garbage is. He really needs to get it straight in his head if quitting is ever going to work. I would push it, telling him how important it is to you and Kylie that he be healthy to watch her grow. Also, make the point that a child of a smoker, who sees their parent smoking a lot, is far more likely to start up the habit themselves. I wouldn't be a nag about it, just state your point clearly, and state it regularly. Hopefully it will sink in. Easy for me to say, huh? blush.gif

coasterqueen replied: Thanks ladies! He has said he doesn't want to quit and he will quit in his own time. Well, I say "when's that gonna be?" I am so sad about this becuz I hate that I've forced him, but I feel like he let me down when we agreed on this. I really don't want Kylie to take up smoking some day and that is why I wanted her to have non-smoking parents. She WILL know one day that he smokes if she smells it on him. I keep telling myself, maybe I SHOULD let him quit in his own time, but do I do that knowing that Kylie may do this one day becuz she knows Daddy does it. That is actually one of the reasons I started, daddy did it so why couldn't I. UGH!

I have tried to explain to him the many reasons why I wish he would quit, etc, etc, etc, for Kylie at least. He just doesn't see that as motivation. His dad smoked and smokes and he is still here and blah blah blah.

SIGH. SIGH. I know I'm gonna cave again and tell him to smoke. I just don't think I can live with someone who smokes now. I don't ever wanna go back to smoking no matter how much I LOVE it, lol. I have hated every day I have to smell it on him. He can take a shower, wash his hands, change his clothes and I still smell it.

Well, I better go, Dh's being an A** tonight becuz of not smoking. I don't want to give him another reason to be a crab (me on puter).

MomofTay&Sam replied: I just wanted to say that not all children will smoke because their parents do. My 11 year old is so anti smoking. He will give you a lecture up one side and down the other, he doesnt care if you are in public or private. He is a save the world and your self type of guy. (he won't eat meat either, or kill a fly) smile.gif He sure will tackle ya on the football field though. LOL

aspenblue1 replied: The only thing I can say is that you can not force someone to quit it will probably have the opposite affect. He wont actually quit until he is ready to quit. But he may want to try hypnotism that works wonders for some people. The american lung association has the sessions monthly. You pay like 50.00 then can go back every month for a year to reinforce it.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Well I have the same problem with my DH! When our first DD was born we agreed that he wasn't allowed to smoke in the house or the car! Well when she was about 3 mths old he started smoking in the car again! When we had our DS he still was not smoking in the house and agreed this time that he would not smoke in the car! Well that lasted about 5 mths and then he was back to smoking in the car! So when Claudia was born I heard it again, he wasn't going to smoke in the car! The day after she was born he went and had the car completley cleaned inside and out! Well the no smoking in the car lasted a month and now he is back to smoking in there! While in the hospital I found out that he was now smoking in the backporch with the kitchen door open and the outside door open! He was also using one of my good Crystal dishes as an ashtray! I was furious! I told him he had to quit! I wasn't going to stand for it anymore! Then I found some info and realized I can't make him quit! It has to be his decission and for his reasons! He has to want to quit for himself! 2 weeks ago he went to see his doctor and got a prescription for Zyban, he has not filled it yet and is still smoking! I know that if I push him he won't quit, so I haven't said anything! I know he will do it when he is ready!

2cents.gif I guess what I am trying to say is that your DH has to want to do this for himself! You can't make him quit and forcing him and telling him to quit is only going to make things worse! I would suggest telling him that he has to smoke outside! 2cents.gif

grouphug.gif Sorry that got so long, I reallly sympathise with you! grouphug.gif

coasterqueen replied: Thanks Kristen for your story. Nice to know I am not alone. I know I shouldn't push him to do it sad.gif I would let him quit on his own terms and own time, but I KNOW that will not be any time soon. Honestly, I know him way to well and if I back down he will smoke forever. I did keep quiet for 6 months about the smoking issue when he asked me to leave him alone and let him quit in his own time and he never once showed an interest to quit, he just smoked more! Knowing that he won't quit any time soon if I was to let him quit on his own time, I have two choices:

1. Smoke with him
2. Leave

We don't even have that much of a "sexual" relationship anymore becuz I can't stand the way he wreaks of smoke. It makes me want to puke.gif and it totally turns me off. The only way I can stand the smell is if I go back to smoking. I can't do that, though. I just can't live with myself if I go back to it. So it seems like a no-win situation to me. I have explained all this to DH and he has no response. He doesn't seem to care how I feel about the situation. I have even explained that if I knew he would quit in a timely manner on his own terms I could TRY to live with the situation until then, but he just looks at me and says "that time could never come".

I know I'm making things worse by forcing him. Obviously. We slept in seperate beds last night and he totally ignored Kylie all night and all morning sad.gif So I guess I just need to decide whether I am going to smoke again or leave him. If I leave him, I feel like I am punishing Kylie in some way. If I stay and I start smoking I think I will hit rock bottom depression. I have already had a tough year living with feeling like a failure for having to have a c-section and not having a great birth experience and DH's and my relationship has been at its worst this year. I guess we just can't parent together, that's why we can't get along. Last week we had a heart-to-heart and decided we can't argue around Kylie anymore becuz it is going to affect her if it already hasn't sad.gif and we decided we were going to stay together and work things out. Things were going so great this past week up until the other night, when he knew last week he was going to quit. Grrrrrr.

Sorry for these vents. I just feel like crying about all this. It's not the end of the world, but I just feel like once again, I will have to make sacrifices in this relationship that I don't want to make. I sometimes wonder when will he ever make one.

Thank you all for listening and offering your advice. I really do appreciate it!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Karen~ Hang in there. It is his habit and while it affects every one around him...it has to be his decision to quit. If you leave him, don't leave him b/c of the smoking, but instead b/c you feel you don't love him or b/c he is a danger to you or your child. It sounds like you are having a rough time right now. I don't know you, but I can read between the lines and I don't feel it is the *smoking habit* that is bothering you as much as it is your DH in general. Maybe you two could talk it out or go to counseling. Don't give up on a relationship this easily. Not with a child involved. You owe it to her to give it a shot and try to make it work. While smoking isn't the healthiest decision for him to make, if he isn't smoking around her or you, he is only harming himself. It sounds like he is being somewhat considerate by washing his hands/showering, etc. Think about it some more and try to come to an agreement with DH.

I wish you luck and hope I haven't made you angry! grouphug.gif

Heather replied: Hey! I agree that there may be some other factors that are getting in the way of your relationship here. I am against smoking, (my job is to lecture people who smoke and more than 90% of my patients are smokers). I grew up with parents who smoked and I couldn't stand it. Does he smoke in the house? Around you at all? If you can smell it you are still breathing it in...second hand smoke can be just as damaging if not even more so. A childs lungs aren't fully developed til after 7 years...smoking can have a great affect on that. It will make her more susceptible to colds and other illnesses. (this has happened to my SIL, she is 11, My MIL smokes non stop...SIL is always sick). Smoking can cause circulation problems...the list can go on and on...

YOU SHOULD ALL STOP SMOKING!!! smile.gif

There are many things out there that can aid in smoking cessation. You can maybe suggest these to him. Also, maybe you can try a different approach on helping him quit. I wish I could show people what I see everyday at work. I bet a lot of people would quit. BUT, everyone is right...you can't make him quit, it is something he has to do on his own. Talking to him about what is bothering you and letting him know the danger your relationship is in might give him an incentive, but it might come back to haunt you as he will blame you for him being unhappy and the cycle will just repeat. It is a tough situation. I wish I could help you more...hopefullly, things will get better.

Just sit down and think about things...is it just the smoking thing that is bothering you? Good luck

coasterqueen replied: Thank you Aimee and Heather. There are other issues that we are working on. So you're right, it isn't just the smoking. And no, you didn't make me mad with what you've said. I know I have to try to make things work and I REALLY do want them to work. I guess I am just tired of making sacrifices for the good of our relationship. I have my own issues I guess I need to work on wink.gif I spoke with him on the phone for a minute at lunch and he seemed like he was in a better mood. I told him I didn't want to force him to do it, so he needs to decide what to do himself. The prob is I think he will still do it, but still say I forced him. Oh well. I can't dwell on that now.

We'll see how things goes from here rolleyes.gif

Thank you all for listening to me vent. I really needed that. You all are "good therapy". biggrin.gif

mummy2girls replied: I am not a smoker and SO isnt either. But his mom and brother and my brother and sister smokes. They obviously wont stop smoking so i told them to stay away from jenna when you have a smoke in your hand. And to not smoke in the house if she is over. They were upset at first but you know what all i cared about is my dd health. and excpecially now with her possibly having asthma there is no way anyone will go near her with a smoke.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: grouphug.gif I really hope you and DH can work something out. It is true about the illnesses. My nephew always had ear infections and sore throats. Now they think he has asthma. sad.gif

Neither DH or myself smoke, but I am familiar with several things you are saying in your post. I have been *fed up* with him several times and usually it is just when I am stressed out. I agree that sometimes we do sacrifice more as women and mothers. It is in our nature to do that. I can also remember getting frustrated with DH about that, too. I felt tied down when Maddie was first born and I felt like I didn't get a lot of help. I probably don't get any more help today than I did then, but I look at it different now. It is hard to let things go when they build up over time. I know how you feel. Maybe you just need to spend some time alone with each other. Just something simple so you can communicate without any kids around. Parenting together takes time. Just take one day at a time and things will work out just fine. Kylie will be okay no matter what. You are a good mom. And I'm sure he is a good dad. **You are not a failure, either**

Hope you feel better soon!


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