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We set some rules - need opinions please


mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: Okay, what do you think? DH and I sat down with Wil last night and came up with these rules. You guys, it was such a good night with Wil. smile.gif Wesley was in bed, so it was just the three of us and OMG, Wil just lit up. We sat at the kitchen table, put some crayons in front of him and talked. He was talking sooooooo much, it was amazing! That one-on-one time really helps his speech. We went over the rules together, he even said "no hitting, no biting" with a big smile...and then he even went up to bed when we asked, no complaints! He even put his crayons away! wub.gif But I need opinons about the list. What am I missing? Is it too much? I wanted to keep it simple because of his age. This is a lot of what he already does, so it won't be a huge transition for him, but I think the list will help DH and I keep on track and insist he follows everyday. We are guilty of letting things slide from time to time. And like you all said, consistency is key! Now should I make a sticker chart where he can add stickers when he follows the rules? How does this work? Do I reward him at the end of the week if he has so many stickers on the chart?

HOUSE RULES

1. I do not bite, hit, or push my friends or brother.
2. When I get up in the morning, I will do __________ before I watch TV or play:
• Go potty and wash my hands
• Get dressed
• Eat breakfast
• Brush my teeth
3. I pick up my toys when asked.
4. I ask to be excused from the table and put my plate and cup in the sink.
5. I do not yell or throw toys at anyone.
6. My bedtime is at 8:30pm and I will do ________ before I get into bed:
• Put my pajamas on
• Brush my teeth
• Go potty and wash my hands
• Read books
7. I listen when spoken to.
8. I hold hands when crossing the street.
9. I love myself and my family and friends!

moped replied: And what are the consequenses for not doing these things?

boyohboyohboy replied: I think your rules sound great, and the one on one time i bet really helped him feel like listening more too.
I think you are on the right track, and just need to keep in mind there will be good and bad days, and just focus on the good. Kids do well with structure..i would say add more of that one on one time if you can even if its only 20 mins.

good job mom!

tammyhopkins replied: That is a good start. But remember to keep it age appropriate.
Are you going to discipline him the same way for hiiting as for not putting his pjama's on before bed?

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: I'd adjust the hold hands when crossing the street to include in parking lots. Our rule for that is, "Hold hands where there's cars." Logan gets out of the car and says, "Hands and cars, Mama."

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
I suppose time-out? DH does the morning ritual with Wil and I heard him sorta forcing him to go on the potty. I didn't like that. So I told DH that we need to be flexible with some things, potty being the the first (since he's still not PT). I would never punish him for not going potty. We are also flexible with bedtime on the weekends. Again, no punishment for not being asleep by 8:30pm, but he must be in his pajamas and getting ready by then or its straight to bed with no books / no movies. Is that okay? unsure.gif

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Good idea, thanks Kelly..and Logan! smile.gif

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Not the same. Hitting calls for immediate TO. Not putting is jammies on when asked means no bedtime stories or movies, which is his favorite. Will that work?

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I think those rules are great Rae!

I also think you need to maybe sit down with Wil again (and dh) and go over the consequences to not following the rules. Like, if you don't go potty, you lose a sticker. If you hit, you lose a toy. If you bite, you lose a video. That kind of thing... and you can adjust that as you notice what works and what doesn't.

My kids don't give a hoot if I take away a video or a toy. But their night light and their evening music.... ohh boy!

tammyhopkins replied: Well i do that with Josh too. If he does not want to put his pj's on then he does not get a book and goes to bed in his clothes. He hates that so he very quickly runs up and puts his pj's on.

I forgot to add yesturday that i called a nanny specialist when i had the trouble and she said when you put him in time out that you are not to speak to him if it was for hitting because you were giving them attention.

Keep doing it and it will work but you will have more bad days than good probably at first but then suddenly they wake up one day and they are good.

Maddy'sMommy replied: Those sound like a good set of rules. I use the sticker chart with Maddy for the potty and it works great. I made the chart myself and had her help and she got to pick out the stickers. That might help with the rules too smile.gif Good Luck.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
My only suggestion is to seperate the "rules" and the expectations. Meaning...set up your rules like "keep your hands to yourself" on a list, then make charts for morning and bedtime routines seperate. When looking at it is seems a little lengthy which is why I suggest it. That way he can see the "rules" and he can see a visual chart of sorts for the routines. Maybe let him put stickers on it when he is finished with a task, like brushing his teeth, or make a checkmark. Does that make sense?

Oh also, try making the rules sound "positive", like:
1) keep yours hands and body to yourself
2) use your inside voice inside
3) remember/mind your manners
4) pick up toys when finished with them
5) toys are to be played with nicely, they are not weapons to be thrown
6) use nice touches
7) obey when you are spoken to

Explain what you expect them to do, not what you don't expect them to do. Good job mama!!! thumb.gif

DansMom replied: The point above I agree with---separate behavioral rules from bedtime and waking up routines; and it touches on the only item on the list that made me hesitate---the word "listen". That's a word with different meanings---it could mean "attending" or just "hearing", or it could mean "obey". Even I'm not sure what you mean exactly---so that one could be made more specific---when mom or dad asks you to do something, do it. Good luck with that one, BTW...

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Yeah, I had a hard time with that one. Because I didn't want to only say "listen when your mommy and daddy ask you to do something"...because I want him to listen when other adults talk to him too. But I agree with you. What about using "open my ears" or some kid-friendly word for listen. Any suggestions? Any teachers out there??

Hmmm, do any of you have something you say to your kids to get their attention? I had someone tell me they say "look at mommy's eyes" and that makes their kid look up. It was probably one of you guys as a matter of fact. Works for me sometimes. I also do the counting to three, which also works sometimes. He seems to "obey" when I get closer to three. For example, "Wil its time for lunch, please come upstairs". He doesn't listen and goes on playing. So I repeat, but then count to three. He knows I'm serious, so that's how I get him to listen. Gosh this is hard.

Thanks all of you!

luvmykids replied:
Along those lines, it may help also to let him know which "offenses" he'll get a warning for, and which ones are automatic discipline. For example, when I tell them to do something and they don't, they get a warning. But hitting is automatic TO or no TV or whatever your punishment is.

Before I ask them to do something I say "Look at me, please" and then tell them what I want/need them to do/not do. That way there is no mistake that they heard me.

Also, when they're not listening, I say "What did mommy ask you to do?" or "What are you supposed to be doing right now?" It seems to remind them that THEY are in control of the choice to listen/obey or not rather than me just nagging, kwim?

I know it seems daunting and overwhelming but you're off to a great start! hug.gif

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:

Monica, what do you do when they don't look at you though, if you don't mind me asking. I do this, but it's really hit or miss - sometimes he looks up and other times he thinks he's being cute and ignores me. Does that call for a TO? And how many times do I say "look at me" before I put him in TO? I guess that's what I mean by the counting to three. If he doesn't look, I count as a warning and he then typically looks up. But gosh, I admit that the counting gets old. And its not always effective in public. wacko.gif

Thanks for the tips! thumb.gif

moped replied: Can I say that I feel that in order for TO to be effective it needs to be used fro SERIOUS offenses.......like hiting biting etc..........

Just my 2 cents worth

Boo&BugsMom replied:
wavey.gif
I usually tell my kiddos to turn on their listening ear before I give them instructions. They literally pretend to turn them on, it's rather cute.

I understand about using the word "listen". That's why I use the word obey instead. smile.gif

I do the same as Monica about making Tanner, and my other preschool kids, look at me when I am talking. If they refuse, they sit in a time out until they are ready to look at me. I have yet to have them refuse though. It's actually just a form of respect to make them. Don't we all look at the person who is speaking to us? Also, at this age, it's about getting their full attention. If they are starring into space, you don't have their full attention.

I also have Tanner repeat my instructions back to me a lot so I know that he knows what my expectations are. smile.gif

luvmykids replied:
It doesn't happen too often anymore but usually I'll say "Kylie, look at me now" and that does the trick. If it doesn't, then yes, it's time out. I agree with Jennie, it's a matter of respect to look at someone when they're talking to you.

Another thing about TO, it makes all the difference in the world if I'm matter of fact about it rather than showing my emotions....it seems to make the point of "Hey, nothing personal, this is just what happens when you don't behave" rather than "You're making me mad" or "I'm so frustrated" etc.

I had a really hard time teaching them the concept of respect, it's so vague and hard to break down to their level. So I reverted to the Golden Rule and we talk about it a lot, "When you're talking to mommy do you like it when I don't pay attention? Mommy doesn't like it when you don't pay attention. We treat people the way we want to be treated." HTH.

Also, the counting thing was getting old here too, and my goal was really to have them listen the first time and not have to count, kwim? I wanted them to learn to do it right then, not at three. So I started TO or whatever it was on two. It suprised them a few times and may sound mean to pull the rug out but that's when they started doing things immediately instead of me having to count. (Most of the time anyway LOL)

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
I'm going to work on all of what you said...THANK YOU!

Jen, so what do you do instead of TO for not so serious offenses? Wil isn't attached to too much to always take something away from him. And especially in public, its easier to plop him in a corner then to threaten to take something away when we get home, kwim? I feel I would be doing a lot of empty threats in that case. Not trying to sound defensive, just wondering what the other option is. wink.gif

moped replied: I do understand what you are saying 100% - honestly I haven' t had in public issues so I can't comment on that one. And he has only been in TO about 10 times in his life, so I am jsut learning from everyone here -- but I have been told that serious offenses like physical harm warrant a serious TO - the rest like say whining are ignore.

I don't take things away often, but for example he got out of bed the other night - we gave him 1 warning and that he would lose the pups if he did it again - he hasn't done it but those pups are his LIFE - he woudl die without them - he knows now I think!!!!!!!!!!

This has been an educational post

MyBabeMaddie replied: I think your list sounds great Rae! I may have to print it out for future use! Good luck with Wil, he is such a cute boy, btw! wub.gif

DansMom replied: One thing I sometimes do instead of telling Daniel to pick up a toy or whatever is just to tell him what I see. If he leaves a dresser drawer open, for example, I'll say "Oh Daniel! Look! That drawer is still open... " usually he'll go "Oh!" and run to close it. This is just one variation to get out of constant nagging and giving orders, which was a rut we were in---it draws their attention to the problem and gives them a chance to solve it independently. I got the idea from the book "How to Talk to Kids so They'll Listen and Listen so They'll Talk".

And this approach can be used for positive reinforcement too. E.g., "I see a boy who brushed his teeth and got dressed without being reminded. Now that is something I like to see!"

Mommyof3 replied: I like the list! I think the sticker thing is a great idea, and your consequences sound very reasonable! biggrin.gif


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