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SAHM - thinking of going back to work


boyohboyohboy wrote: I have been a SAHM for three years now. While I have enjoyed parts of it, I dont know that I can say its right for me. I am a nurse by trade. I enjoyed that work a lot. I have missed the interaction with people. I miss helping people.

I am worried though, that going back to work might cause some tension at home with dh. I have tried to express to him that I am worried about not being able to keep up with the house and kids and all the extra stuff and work. Now I am only considering 2 days a week and maybe some as needed work. I have applied and am awaiting an interview as we speak. I just wanted to discuss it with dh and make sure he knew what my fears were. I am afraid that he wont take care of the kids the way I do, or keep the house the way I do..and of course he wont, because he isnt me..but he doesnt clean as well as me, and he doesnt take care of the kids like I always prefer..so my question is, how do you get by these issues...I cant imagine I am the only control freak here..
maybe..I am hoping not.

I just sort of feel like I gave up my career to stay home, and I threw myself into my kids and family and home. I work hard at keeping it clean and nice, and I worked really hard at keeping the kids safe and healthy, and most of you know how much work that took with Jakob. I am concerned that it wont be kept to the level that I have kept it at..and that bothers me. I mean isnt that like saying my time was wasted, if its going to be kept at a mediocare level now?
Is that terribly conceited of me?

I am worried about my controlling tendencies causing issues in my marriage if I dont deal with them now..any advice?

mummy2girls replied:
I use to be very anal about marcus not cleaning the way i do or dealing with jenna. But i have come to realize he is her step dad and can do these things. i had to actually let go of the reins a bit and let him do it the way he does. And it hurt him when i always criticized him on how he does things. he told me this. So i have stopped and let up( sorta...LOL) As long as the house is not a pig sty and the kids are happy, fed and alive then its all good. I know how hard it is to get by these issues believe me:)

Just let go of the reins a bit at a time. let him take charge of the kids and home when your not there. And if its just a few hours or a couple days a week then its not a big deal. You can pick up when your home. He needs to see as a husband and daddy that you trust him and feel comfortable to leave the kids with him. Because he may feel hurt if you always tell him thats wrong, i do it this way, you should be doing it this way, etc etc etc. What i do when im gone a whole day because of work related stuff is I leave a list of things he can do.. that may help. You may be surprised on how he can really ahndle it all.

Crystalina replied: I am also controlling which is why I'm still at home. Before kids when I worked outside the home I even had control at work so when the kids came along I feel I just went from one position to another. I know how you feel. Sometimes I dream of "real" work again (even though the work I do at home is more "real"). With my dh's schedule my kids would have to go to a sitter and that just isn't happening if I can help it. nosmiley.gif

Hopefully, in your house it doesn't cause much tension. I'm sure dh will understand it's something you have to do but at the same time you have to realize things are bound to change. You may have to step back a bit and let the cookie crumbs fall where they may. Your dh may have his own ways of getting things done, priorities may be different then your own as far as do the kids get the bath before dinner or after and the breakfast dishes may have to wait until one of you get around to them. hug.gif hug.gif
I hope it all falls into place for you.

:ETA:
Had to get rid of my "let go of the reins a bit" sentence since I did not read that JennasMommy posted the same thing. emlaugh.gif

CantWait replied: This is the reason why there's no me time and why I'm so run down. I go to work, come home, do homework with the kids, cook dinner most nights, clean up after, than get things (breakfast dishes and cereal if that's what breakfast is, pack school bags etc) ready for the next day. That's with working only 4 days a week. Really though, with all that, there's no time or no energy for me to go for a run in the evening, go to the gym, paint my nails, whatever......Thing is, here I don't have any help, dh comes home and he's on the couch the rest of the night. mad.gif

lovemy2 replied: I have learned that you have to be able to "give something up" not 100% but to some extent you have to realize in the end what's the most important things are - that being said there are days when I spend the whole day cleaning like a nut and the kids have to deal and find something to do - which in my opinion isn't a bad thing - they need to learn to entertain themselves too - there are days when I say Oh well the dust can wait and we just play play play, there are days I do both - I work 4 days a week - DH has the kids his two days off a week - he is a cop works most weekends so we are in some senses during the days single parents but are all together at nite everynite which is wonderful and alot more than most cops wives get - the two days a week DH has them it used to be so stress provoking for me - I would leave out all the clothes, the baby food or bottles were all ready - it was idiot proof and he had no hiccups during the day when he had them - and me well I felt like I was going to "implode" at any moment - I learned with a little help from a counselor to let it go - he had to learn to get by on his own and I had to learn to let him - so now yep I come home some days and he is just starting to pick up or he hasn't even bothered, Dylan's shirts are usually on backwards or sometimes they are dirty and Olivia well she looks like something that got let out of the trailer park (no offense to anyone - merely an expression) but you know what - they are happy, healthy and have had a GREAT day - I have to leave lists for DH if I do he does it all - if I don't he does nothing, I have also learned that although it pisses me off to have to tell him all the time what needs to be done I have to accept that that is what I have to do so I do and believe me its much easier to leave the list than try to do it all myself -

Its a very hard balance - SAHM is a tough tough job, I could never do it - I would lose my mind, working mom is a tough tough job too - I do it but find I don't lose my mind anymore since I have learned - actually we - DH and I and the kids too have learned how to adapt we still have to tweak it now and then but it works but it didn't happen all on its own - sit down and talk to DH tell him your fears and tell him the things that are most important to you about the kids and the house - the rest deal with it - either let it go or find a way to lower your expectations in some senses - believe me once you do you will find that the hectic pace and stress of both working and being a Mom isn't so bad....

Good luck but in my opinion if you are ready to go back to work GO by all means GO you will lose more of yourself if you don't.....I had a choice when we moved - we could stay where we were and I could have my second baby and more than likely never have to work again - or I could work my 4 days a week, have a bigger house and still have my second baby - I chose the latter and have never regretted it for a second....

coasterqueen replied: You just have to learn to let things go. Let them be as clean as what he'd do it and not how you'd do it. That is just really the way I see it - that plain and simple.

I've never been a SAHM, but I am a terrible clean control freak.....or USED to be. Before Ryan and I had kids our house was always clean, smelled great, yada yada yada. Then the kids came along and I tried so hard for so long to keep up with the way I liked things to be. Then Ryan made me realize I just have to stop, it was tearing me down, stressing me out and life just sucked because I was so consumed with my house being a mess and not being able to keep up with it. We tag team all cleaning responsibilities and caring for the kids. Our house might not always been neat and clean 24/7, but we are all happy now and that's what matters most.

GL. hug.gif

DVFlyer replied:
user posted image

If you want to work, go for it. But realize the household will be run differently... and that's ok. smile.gif

boyohboyohboy replied: I am going to do my best to take this advice..and let it go....
I am hoping that being out of the house only two days a week will still let me pretty much keep my schedule like it is...
and there isnt anyone else I would trust my kids with, especially Jakob like I do dh,

lovemy2 replied:
Then you answered your own question hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif

wcs40110 replied: If its something you feel you should do you should do it. Hopefully DH will understand that. Ask him to put himself in your shoes.

luvmykids replied:
I think the key is going to be keeping in mind it's your choice....so if something isn't done the way you would do it, when you're tempted to get mad, remember you decided to do this and you also have to decide to let it go.

I hope it works out, I think it sounds like you'll really enjoy going back to work. GL on the job! hug.gif

boyohboyohboy replied: When I do think of going back sometimes the guilt starts to sneak around the corner.. I enjoy being home. I have been blessed to be with the boys as much as I am, I know that not a lot of people have that option. I dont mean to take it lightly.
I just feel sometimes that I am not the best mommy I could be because I am so tired and frustrated. I feel like I havent seen another adult in the past three yrs other then my dh. I dont feel interesting, I dont feel like I can have much of an inteligent conversation anymore.
I think just the few short hours a week that I would work might make me miss the kids just enough to appreciate them more, and give them a break from me, and let them be with other people, which none of my kids do well with. I know that mostly they will be with dh, well thats all they will be with, we dont use sitters..so maybe its more of a bonding the kids will do with dh. I also think it might give dh a bit of a better understanding what those long days are like with no one but kids.

I also did make a mistake when I started babysitting. Watching 6 kids, any kids is hard, but these particular 3 that I took in were more then any one person should take on, there are just to many mental and emotional issues there. I cant take it anymore.

I know that what will be, will be, so I am just waiting now to see if this is the path for me. thanks for talking it thru with me.

coasterqueen replied: Stacy,

Just reading some of the words in your last post made me think. Please go into this with your eyes WIDE open. You mention maybe you'll be more refreshed going to work, and then wanting to be with the kids more, appreciate them more, etc. Now I've never SAH except for 4 months when the kids were newborns, and I also know you are only working a few days a week, so maybe that makes a difference....BUT I can guaranty you that at least for me being at work all day and then coming home to taking care of kids, dinner, baths, homework, just having time to spend with them, cleaning up, etc, etc is NOT a cup of tea either. I always feel more guilty because by the time I get home from work I am so exhausted, mentally drained, that I struggle to be the best mom and wife when I get home. Ryan has the same problems I do, maybe a bit less since he's such a laid back person. Working also puts constraints not only on time with the kids and family, but the house (which yes, just let most of that go...really, lol), school things such as field trips, etc, and many other things. I am constantly evaluating every free second of my day when I'm not working (before work, lunch hours, after work, holidays, etc, etc) trying to find ways to get things done. Then you add in kids that do sports activities, etc, and well there is NEVER any me time.

I am not trying to discourage you from working. I just think you need to be aware of yes, it might be great to talk to adults and not just kids, and nice to get away from the house/kids so you appreciate them more, but a whole other set of "issues" comes along with working. I listen to how people say it's so hard to stay at home, and I'm sure it is, but I tell you what just trying to get everything done in an hour or two before work, an hour lunch break, and 4 hours at night (and try to find time for me and DH) is exhausting in itself. I can't just go off to the store in the middle of the day to get a birthday present or something for a class project when I find out last minute. I have to sit there and say "ok, I have 1 hour to go get milk because we are all out, get a birthday present AND all the stores are clear cross town, how can I do this?".

Again, you aren't working full time so I'm sure this won't be an issue for you. I'd like to think that working part time would give any individual the best of both worlds: having time with other adults, still having time with the kids, being able to get everything that needs to get done (and I don't mean cleaning the house, lol), etc.

I wish you the best. I think it's great that you want to do this. Just keep everything in mind when doing it. hug.gif hug.gif

boyohboyohboy replied: Thank you Karen for that prospective. I haven't been offered the job yet. I am going to the open house on friday. I have never not been offered a job, so I guess my ego just assumes that come friday or monday that offer will be on the table.
I know that right now my main issue is with the other kids I watch. I just really cant handle that anymore..and the extra money I bring in doing that is no longer extra, its become a necessity. I know dh feels the stress of our financial situation pressing down on him. I think part of it is, I would like to be able to help shoulder some of that..he doesnt really want me to work, but I can see just the glimmer of hope in him at the idea of my working just part time.
I also have to admit when the kids were sick last week, and I only had my own kids, it was so much nicer..

I am going to keep considering all my options.
and appreciate any ideas anyone has to offer.

Boo&BugsMom replied: I was going to say the same thing Karen was saying above, but also do not want to discourage either because everyone's situation is different. Not everyone is the same, but the grass truly is never greener on the other side, IMO...it still has brown spots. laugh.gif I guess what's important is trying to find the perfect balance, if there is any. It's hard being away and leaving Troy with the kids at night. If we had it our way I'd be home, but that's not really an option right now. For now though, it's important just to accept where we are and try and balance our lives as best as possible.

I hope you can find that balance, and I hope that doors will open for you! Keep us posted. Perhaps this would be a better supplement income versus having to keep dealing with the daycare family you're having issues with. Hoping everything works out for the best!

My2Beauties replied: I think Karen and Jen gave excellent advice. I think just working PT only will give you the best of both worlds but Karen is right on those nights or days that you work try to remember to sort of let the house go and with what time you have make the best of it. I'm hoping this goes smoothly for you and best of luck to you. I wish I could only work PT sleep.gif

Boo&BugsMom replied: Stacy, I should also add that for me personally, it's being away from Tanner that is the hardest. I only work 5 hour shifts...M-F from 4pm-9pm...BUT I never get to see Tanner on those nights or during the week really since I'm at work when he's home. I have time with Aiden all day, and Troy and I get to have pillow talk when I get home (he's a night owl and still up), but I don't get to spend quality time with Tanner because when Troy gets home from work and picking Tanner up from school, I leave for work right away. Just keep that in mind. I have to try hard to make sure I get in that quality time when I am home and on the weekends. When I don't, I can see it in his behavior. I also call home every night to say goodnight to him, and he always looks forward to the call too.

Again...not discouraging at all...maybe you wont have as big an issue since it wont be 5 days a week, but just want to tell you what I go through since Troy and I have the same set-up as you and DH would. If I could have my way, I would work 3 nights a week and work longer shifts. If that ever were an option, I'd probably snag the chance. It's not the amount of hours that is draining so much for me, but the amount of days I am gone from my family each night. We never have any family time during the week, so if you can get out and work only a few nights a week...more power to you!

coasterqueen replied:
That's what I was trying to say in all my wordiness. tongue.gif Thanks Jen. thumb.gif


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