PLEASE HELP ME - Sibling rivalry

luvmykids wrote: Kylie and Macie REFUSE to be half way decent to each other and I swear I am about to jump off the roof or something

It's completely foreign to me, being an only child. They fight over THE DUMBEST stuff and are SO vicious to each other!!! The forms of discipline that used to work don't anymore and I can't take it. Who gets the pink cup, whose pencil it is, you moved my pillow, you took that, you ruined that, you always, you never.....They share a room and unfortunately, have to continue to so I have got to figure something out before I lose any more of my ever living mind. They wake up fighting and go to sleep fighting and I HATE HATE HATE it!

cameragirl21 replied: I am an only child too and I've always wanted a sister so for me it's hard to understand but my friend's dad did something interesting to combat sibling rivalry when she was little.
She is the youngest of 2, her brother was 4 when she was born and of course his life changed quite a bit as they took him to horse back riding and all kinds of other things that they could no longer afford to do once a baby came on the scene so he was naturally resentful.
So her dad told him that "they" being some unnamed people were offering the family an airplane in exchange for his little sister. Of course her bro got all excited, saying, "you mean I can get rid of her AND get an airplane?!" And the dad played up this whole game till one day, a few days after he broached the subject with her bro he came up to him and said, "I've talked to them and they are willing to give us the airplane but they decided they don't want her, they want you." So her brother said, "oh, well I guess I like her after all and want to keep her."
It's a bit harsh and totally manipulative but I thought it was pretty creative. Gets the kids thinking about the possibilities of losing their sibling forever.
Another option is something I witnessed once in a grocery store that I also thought was pretty smart and not manipulative or harsh at all. One mom was walking with two boys and they started fighting and then complaining to her about the various things one did to the other and she simply said, "If you two are gonna pick on each other then just walk 50 feet away from me, I don't want to hear it." And they both shut up right away. Sometimes if you ignore it and leave it for them to work out they may get over it, I think what they are really fighting over is your attention. Btw, Macie may be the youngest and seemingly at a disadvantage, the way you've described her here sometimes makes me think that she can outwit both of the twins with both hands tied behind her back. She's a tough cookie and definitely your mastermind, so to speak.

lisar replied: They wont grow out of it until they are atleast 16 or maybe 17. Sorry. Me and my sister fought like that from day 1. We didnt get along till we teenagers. It used to drive my Granny nuts. Good luck. Sorry thats all I know about that.

my2girls replied: I'm an only child also, so it was hard for me to deal with this.
My solution was each girl gets their own day, so every other day is that persons day.
They get the computer first, T.V show, head of the table and tucked in bed first on their day. They also have to do the dishes, take out trash, set the table on their day also. I did it that way so they won't think everything is catered to them on their day.
Also they always have to choose different colors for something, lucky for me they don't like the same colors. I also bought them each their own cups, that they picked out so that ended the cup wars here.
They used to share a room and when they did each girl got "personal" time alone in their room. I set the timer and the girls really liked that. I also had the room "divided". There was a bed and desk on each side and a dresser in between the bed that served as a night stand also. The closet was also equally divided.
They got to pick out whatever bed spreads and sheets they wanted, lamps , bulletin boards, pillows. The walls were painted white but on the side walls each girl got to paint a big rectangle with the color of their choice and that is where they got to hang photos, posters or whatever on there.
It worked out real good, then we moved to a bigger house and they got their own rooms.
We have had this "plan" in place for 5 years now and there is no more fighting becasue they know if its not their day today it will be tomorrow. Sometimes they know its their day but they will let the other one have a first turn on something or sit at the head of the table instead, which is nice. They are 13 and 11 years old now and I'm glad that they get along better now.

cameragirl21 replied:
That is a great idea! I'm going to tuck that away for future use.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I just use the "too bad so sad" policy.. you didn't get the cup you wanted.. too bad, you'll get it another time.. we don't always get what we want in life, and that's all there is to it.. they fight, sure, but I tell them to deal with it.

lisar replied:
Thats what Granny used to tell me and my sister, she would tell us "If you gona fight take it outside so yall dont break anything" we would literally fist fight.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Girl HELP ME!!!! I'm going through it too.

I use the too bad so sad philosophy, too. But that doesn't make it stop. I just want it to stop!!!! They are wearing me out! What am I going to do over Christmas break?

I love my kids and they are SO wonderful....just precious little angels...until you get them together.

I'm trying to teach them to speak kind to one another. I've got the Duggar house rules posted, (b/c YES I like their rules!!), but I have trouble coming up with punishments if they don't behave that way, kwim?

I take a lot, but when I've had enough...watch out! So I should probably handle myself a little better. You live what you learn.

Just thinking out loud here, sorry.

jem0622 replied: We stress taking turns here. Lordy help me if I didn't! This is how we get through a lot of conflict. Taking turns. I set the timer and when the timer is up, time to switch up.

Gabe (6) learned a really cute thing in school and I LOVE it:

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit! "

LOVE it! LOL

My oldest surviving sister never liked sharing with me. Never. I didn't mind sharing as long as you asked me. So I just didn't bother and my parents knew it so...as much as this sounds odd...they usually bought identical things for us but in different colors. We could identify our things, and there was less fighting.

I am very tight with my siblings, but I know others who still don't get along as adults.

Hang in there! Just be consistent!

MommyToAshley replied: Ashley is an only child, but I had 4 other siblings. My sister and my older brother were the only ones that were close enough in age to argue with each other, and we did. I didn't really appreciate my sister until we were grown adults, now I wish I could do it all over again.

My SIL made a chart for the most commonly fought over things... who gets to take a bath first, who gets to pick out their cup, who gets to watch their favorite show at a certain time, who gets to pick out the bedtime book, etc. I think she picked five things... and then they just referred to the chart. It helped a lot with the fighting. But, the picking a day sounds much easier and you don't have to limit it just the top 5. It won't stop everything, but it might help some.

AlexsPajamaMama replied:
I like this idea alot!
I will have to remember that for when my boys are old enough to fight!

luvmykids replied: SOOO many great ideas, thank you!!!!! I love the idea of giving them a day and alone time in the room especially I think more than anything it is too much "togetherness"

I use the "You get what you get and don't throw a fit" so often it's become a joke and the "too bad so sad" but like Aimee said, it doesn't STOP it. I've started sending them to their room when they fight and telling them not to come down until they've worked it out but sometimes the sound of what goes on before they work it out is scary And like Jennifer said, Macie is the one to beat, poor Kylie gets nailed by her every time. She tells Kylie "Lets make a deal" and it sounds good but in reality Kylie gets jipped every time. I tell her not to make deals with Macie anymore

I'm sooooo happy to know I'm not alone And like Aimee said, they're such precious children.....as long as they're not within sight of each other

Thank goodness for Colt, he is so easy going and mellow, some days he is the only thing that keeps my sanity intact.

PrairieMom replied: We do the to bad so sad thing, also, if you can't play nicely with it, than noone gets it. It gets put up on the fridge. No warnings. I just swoop in like the evil mommy toy stealer of doom and nab it.

CantWait replied: Listen to a 13 year (that's right, 13) argue with a 5 year old

Drives me nutts.

Hmmmmmmm do you have a sense that there's no actual cure for this perdicament. I think we all just have to suck it up.

I really like this though, great ideas.

joanie_thunder replied: When I was a kid, my brother and I who was a year younger would always fight, and our mom started initiating a real King Solomon approach-- if we fought over a toy, she'd take it away. If we fought over tv, she'd make us watch a third different program that neither of us liked. Basically, any time we complained the subject of the complaint would be removed. Don't do it in a punishing way-- just be matter of fact. The kids want a reaction-- if you take the "fun" out of it they'll stop doing it.

Brias3 replied: Oh, gosh, you're preaching to the choir here! I swear to you, its a girl thing- Aliyah is SUCH an instigator, I'm going batty already just THINKING about Christmas break. I swear, if this new baby is a girl, the whole age age thing better make a difference because I'll go nutty if I have to deal with this for the next fifteen years!

I am trying to institute a zero tolerance policy of sorts, but with them (and Ryan's mostly innocent in this equation I'll mention, its the younger two who will literally drive me into the looney bin ) its so constant, its hard!

I'd drive myself nuts if we took turns with "picking first" and all that jazz, so I've cut straight to a behavior chart (star for the day for not picking a fight with anyone, after seven stars a small reward.....and for anyone who's curious, it must be working well- Aliyah is at 0 stars for the week so far ), timeouts (where the involved parties must be in a separate room/space from each other for a set amount of time (I pick the room/space), taking away privileges, etc. We also do the thing Tara mentioned...if you can't play nicely with something, or agree who is going to get it, then no one does. This seems to help them with realizing that their behavior affects one another too, but its certainly not foolproof!

I guess the only other thing I'd mention, since I know you and I are in the same boat with traveling spouses, is that I think sometimes this indirectly takes more of a toll on the kids than I recognize, so I'm trying to really make an effort to get in "individual time" with each of them at different instances in the week, and I make sure Bruce does the same. Sometimes, I think part of it the fact that there is so much togetherness for them, since I'm a one man band alot of the time. Also, in the bustle of busy schedules, I've made sure to take a half hour each night before bed where we all sit in someone's room (we rotate turns between the three) and that person chooses the bedtime story and then we all get to share one good thing or the favorite thing about our day. Not sure if its helping the fighting thing, but it IS helping with getting them to have more positive conversations with each other

luvmykids replied:
That's a good point, I definitely think it increases a) when he's been gone too long and right after he's been home and leaves again. Like you said, I need to make more effort on the one on one time.

I've been meaning to try some of the other suggestions but haven't had the time to zero in on any of it yet

my2girls replied: The above reasons are actually why we do the each person has their own day.
It makes them feel special, that they are being heard.
My dh was in another state with his new job while the girls and I were trying to sell our house ( we were apart for about a year). We would see my dh every 2 weeks or sometimes just once a month, that is when I noticed that they really started fighting bad. Their life was off balance and kids don't really no how to deal with that sometimes.
I also homeschool both of my girls ( since birth) so they are with each other literally 24/7. We have outside classes ( with other teachers and kids) , we don't overschedule and since having this plan of each girl gets a day , its been so much calmer here.