Older moms?

MyLuvBugs wrote: OK. I'm watching Surviving motherhood today, and this mom on there is 41 and has like a 5-6 month old (first child). She just said "I don't relate to younger moms b/c they're of a different generation." then she went on to say she wished she had a support group of moms her age.....

Do any of you feel that way? Especially the older first time moms (over 35 years). Do you feel like you can't relate to a mom that is early 20's?

I'm just curious. That statement made me feel really sad for her. Not necessarily feeling sorry for her, but sad that she would feel like she couldn't relate to another mom no matter what their age. KWIM?

holley79 replied: Well I would think a mom was a mom no matter the age. We all have our ups and downs. She may feel like an odd man out because she is much older then other moms when she is out and about. Maybe people mistake her and baby as grandma/ child. I don't know, that is sad though she doesn't feel like she can fit in with other moms. Yes, I do (at times) wish I were younger when I became a mom but mainly because I'm so tired.

MyLuvBugs replied: Oh wow...the story goes on....She mainly feels this way b/c her mom had her at age 42 and her mom is now in a nursing home. So she feels like she's going to be like her mom and not be able to be a "good mom" b/c she's older. Goodness! Makes me want to cry. She's a good mom, but she's holding on to these fears b/c of her older parents and thier issues. WOW.

MyLuvBugs replied:
LOL Goodness I'm 28 and I feel tired too. I think that's just a having kids thing though. KWIM? The first adjustment to being a parent is tiring.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I had Wil when I was 29, but I think being a mom has actually brought me closer to people that are younger than me. I probably wouldn't know anyone all that younger than me if I didn't meet them through my mom's club or something else I do with the kids, kwim? So I see that as a benefit! So I don't know what this woman is worried about. Age doesn't really matter when it comes to being a parent. It does amaze me sometimes to meet a mom that is much much younger than me, because I certainly couldn't have done it at 20, but I never feel like I'm not at their level or vice versa. I sometimes wish I had started sooner, but I'm a much more grounded person now at my "older" age, so I think my timing was actually JUST RIGHT.

PrairieMom replied: I'm 29 with 2. I don't feel like I have a problem relating with any mothers with children the same ages as mine. I get loads of support from you people, and I consider you all to be my age.

coasterqueen replied: I don't know how to answer this really, except my IRL experience. I'm not an 'older mom' but I can not for the life of me relate to many of the IRL moms I know who are in their early to mid 20's. Most of them are immature and forgot that they actually chose to be a parent as they whine constantly about not getting time for themselves or that they couldn't do this or that because they have to be with their child instead. And those that don't whine are dumping their kids off with family or friends while they go out once at least every weekend, when they work all week and don't get that much time with their kids anyways.

SO I can not relate to those IRL younger moms I know, have met, etc. I see kids as a gift, not a burden...they come off acting like they are. It might not be true, but they portray that feeling.

I think age does sometimes come in to it because young moms can be immature and I'm saying this now so no one slams me, I'm not talking about anyone here and yes, many young moms can be very mature and many older moms can be very immature. I'm going SOLELY off my IRL experience.

You also have to take into account that I can't even relate to my 25 year old sister, who is not a parent. I was 10x more mature at that age than she is, course I was married and wanting to have children. Her whole life is what bar should she go to and going shopping 24/7 for clothes and accessories.

BAC'sMom replied:

Sometimes! But it really depends on the situation. I think in my case it’s because I have grown up in a completely different generation as some of you “spring chickens”. We just have a different style of parenting.

Most of my friends my age have children in high school or even college. So they are worried about their teenagers dating and driving. Where I am worried about little league games, ballet classes and getting my two-year-old potty trained.

MyLuvBugs replied:
You sound a little like my dad with the parenting style differences comment. He was 42 when I was born, but he'd already been a parent 5 other times in his early 20's, so when I came along he was the "prepared" one. My mom was 31, and I'm her only child. The parenting style even between the two of them was different, and caused some issues between them when I was growing up. Dad was like BTDT and this is how you raise a kid, where as mom was "well, that's not what the books say"...

I imagine it is a little harder when all your friends have teenagers and you're working on potty training. I hope you don't feel like you can't relate to the rest of us though Jimmie. To me age doesn't matter.....a mom is a mom and a dad is a dad. However....I do agree with Karen that maturity can be an issue with some parents.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: All of my friends are at least 10 yrs older than me (some older, some younger). I'm 29, btw. But our kids are the same age and they tell me that when you are a parent, age really doesn't matter...I know a lot of people who are 29 that I have nothing in common with b/c our kids are at different stages/ages or they don't have kids at all so I can't relate to them. Either that or they work and our schedules clash. It's too much work to keep up a friendship like that.

kit_kats_mom replied: I was 32 when I had Katherine. I can't relate to other mom's but I think the reasoning's behind it are not age related. I think the reasons I have problems relating to other moms are

1. I have always felt like the odd man out in most situations. I have a small group of very good friends who understand me and I'm comfortable around them, but I just don't "fit" in a mold, meaning other people don't know where to classify me so I make them uncomfortable. Add to that my mom's total lack of instilling etiquette and the "girly" type things and well, I'm a mess.
2. I've chosen to further that divide by choosing a non mainstream style of parenting. So, for example, when I was hosting playgroup and Lauren (18 mos) asked to nurse, and I let her, the other moms looked at me like I'd grown a third boob.
3. I live in the burbs and the other moms near me are all very high maintenance sorority types. I just really can't relate to someone who can, and does, spend an hour or more getting ready every day to be a sahm and go to playgroup...seems totally alien to me. Sure, I try to look my best but not my over made up best. It typically takes me 5 minutes after my shower to get ready for the day.
4. finally, I think I am just from "good folk". Not pretentious, not fake, low maintenance, just normal everyday hardworking people with a slightly twisted sense of humor.

I long to find another mom around here like that but as of yet, I haven't. I'll know her when I see her...she will be the one at the playground with no make up on, sweating because she's playing with her kids, non manicured nails, no highlights (probably a ponytail), humming a kids song and encouraging her DD to climb to the tippy top of the playground then sing songing "I see your hiney...all bright and shiny...you better hide it...before I bite it" then commence tickling until the referred to hiney is actually bitten. Ok, so I'm looking for another me.

edited for spelling...that was bad!

luvmykids replied: I find motherhood a very common bond, since having kids (the twins at 30, Macie at 32 ... you decide if that makes me an "older" mom LOL) I've become closer to other people in all age ranges. Like Aimee said, most of it is based on what stages our kids are but I also love my friends with older kids (who give me hope of survival!) and friends with younger kids who look to me for help.

I have a dear friend who I most likely NEVER would have talked to very much, she is polar opposite of me (I wish you lived closer Cary, you guys would totally hit it off) but because Colt and her son are buddies I made myself look past appearances and I love her to pieces. She is 100% granola, doesn't wear a lick of make up, doesn't shave, has completely opposite parenting style from me, but after getting past the superficial stuff I found out as moms, wives, and women in general we have a LOT in common and I treasure her friendship. I never would have met her much less formed such a neat friendship if we didn't have parenthood in common.

Don't get me wrong, I've always had a variety of friends, in high school I had friends who were jocks and friends with mohawks, nerdy friends, popular friends, etc. But these days with limited time I guess I'm just "scanning" people and motherhood brought us together, kwim?

MyLuvBugs replied:
I hear you on that one Cary. I think that's why I find it hard to hang out with DH's sister and I dont' relate to his family very well. I'm from good old farm folk, that work hard to get the job done, gettin' dirty is a way of life, and they all have very stanger humors. And my three best friends are from the same type of background......

Maybe that's what attracts us to our friends.....we have to find commonalities in each other....

mom21kid2dogs replied: I had Olivia at 41 (our only child) and I have mom friends in all age groups from mid 20's to mid 40's. I've never had the issue personally. There are some moms I can't relate to, regardless of age and others, I can~much like friends~it's not really an age thing to me. Luckily, I've had nothing but positive experiences with my much older grandparents~two of whom lived heathily and very actively well into their 90's. Age has always been just a number you have to me. I certainly have never been one to waste my "worry" time over things I can never change but I do feel sad for those who choose that path.

Another reason I might feel differently than other "older" moms is by virtue of my profession I provided parenting support to moms for 12 years. All my work friends joke I was a mom long before biology afforded me the option.

BAC'sMom replied:
Wow hardworking, not fake, low maintenance and a twisted sense of humor you girls are my type of people.

redplaydoh replied: I was 38 when I had Lucas and 39 with Bryan so I am one of those "older" moms and I from IRL experience I know what she's feeling. A mom IS a mom no matter what age... BUT (and this doesn't mean ALL younger moms) there is a difference. Outside of having kids the same age, other interests are different and make it hard to relate to each other.

For instance, I joined the MOMS Club in the town I lived at when I had Lucas. The other moms were much younger and planned "events" that I had no interest in at all. One of those was a "Girls Night Out Pajama Party". They requested that I leave Lucas (a newborn that I was breastfeeding) home and bring my pajamas and we'd have a sleepover at one of the other moms house. It was planned to stay up and do each others hair, nails, order a pizza and watch a chick-flick. I couldn't believe what I was hearing... I did that when I was 12!!!

The other events were for shopping, wine tasting, and salon trips... I hated going to the meetings just to see these moms blabbing about how Mr. Sex Symbol of the week was SOOOO HOT!!! And where to get the latest in fashion items... the focus of these meetings had nothing to do with the kids and I really felt like I was talking to a different generation that had their priorities in a different place than mine were.

That said, that was about THAT particular group, but that's what my experiences were. I did meet a few moms that were younger that didn't act this way and we really got along. But overall I can say it was hard finding moms to relate to on more levels than our babies were close in age.


I LOVE THIS... this is exactly what I'm looking for as well.... this sounds like one of my typical days at the playground with my boys.

paradisemommy replied: (raising hand)..i'll be your friend cary..you can move to hawaii and i'll be your buddy..in fact the guys across from us just put their house up for sale..

amymom replied: Well, I am an older mom, with older kids, too AND an older DH too.. IRL I see differences in people and personalities, not necessarily the parent's ages but their personalities, goals, values etc. I relate well to some of my (15 yr old) son's friends parents and not well to some of them. I was 33 and DH was 43 when he was born, most of his friends mom's were in their 20's and are now in their 30's, whereas my husband is getting close to retirement age.

With my (9 yr old) DD I was 39 and DH was 49, we do not have much socially in common with some of her friends' parents that could be my DH child. BUT that doesn't exclude us from relating to them, what with sports, and school and other things. Also, some of her friends have older parents as well.

I really think it is all about personality and values. But there are issues that 'older' parents deal with that younger ones do not. AND the opposite is true, there are issues that younger parents deal with that us old folks don't need to.

However, I learn lots from parents of all ages on this webboard and would not give up any of these friendships, support, and good relationships for anything!!! ... I think that woman on the TV needs Parenting Club

My3LilMonkeys replied:
I hear you there....I went to my nephews' football games last week to help SIL who was short staffed running the concession stand. Almost everyone helping were the "perfect" moms with hair done, nails manicured, full makeup and heels on that didn't want to serve the food because it was too much "work". There I was in my mud stained jeans from helping set up the field, hair in a ponytail, no makeup working my butt off so they could stand and talk - and I don't even have any kids on the team. All I could think was 'this is what I have to look forward to when my kids are in school'.

hawkshoe replied: I didn't feel it so much when I had my first child at age 30, but having my second at age 37 adds a whole new perspective to it. I definately feel it is harder for me to relate to really young moms. Of course there is always the exception, but the generation differences do make it that much harder.

skinkybaby replied: I had just turned 23 when I had Grace, but I have several good mom friends that are in their 30s and 40s, and I have some good mom friends in their 20s. I had several "older" moms give me nasty comments about being so young and having a baby when they didn't even know me. And then there are younger moms that annoy me because all they want to do is find a sitter so they can go out and live it up.
But I love the mom friends I do have. We have similar interests, we're all sarcastic, like to laugh, sit around and gossip, and do whatever. I don't think it has to do with our ages, but our similar personalities.

ZandersMama replied: I think parenting styles affect how you relate to other moms more then age. I was only 21 when my boy was born, and my best friend is 38 . I had other friends who were preggo and my age but after the kids were born, we grew apart. I find I can relate better to my older friend, We parent our children similer, and where her boy is older then mine I can go to her with problems she has already had.

moped replied: Older mom here I suppose.....34 now, Jack is 2 and I truly hope for one more - SOON.

My best freind is 24 and that is great, she is 5 weeks pg and will start to understand me so much better in about 8 months

I can find somehting in common with everyone when it comes to children of all ages. So I guess it doesn't matter to me what the age is although I am usually the OLDER mom - BLEH.....................

A&A'smommy replied: okay i didn't read ALL the posts but I agree with Karen maturity does have some play into it... I have friends of ALL different ages from 19 all the way to 35 and only about 3 of them have kids and thats HARD because a lot of the ones who don't have kids DON"T understand that I can't go and do every weekend and I can't go and do stuff on the weekdays like some of them yeah every once in a while but not every week and thats hard for me because sometimes i really want to go but can't. And sometimes i complain cause for me its HARD to be in the house all the time we don't have a second car so I can't go to moms groups (and we don't have any around here anyway but I would LOVE to put one together). And I have to say peer pressure for some young moms is difficult and I wish I had someone to relate to and its not so much like they are pushing me but they are always like "jess come and hang out with us we love you" that kind of thing and when I'm like they kinda understand but then again they don't... so anyway its hard either way I think... I feel for her.. those are some hard thoughts!!!

mom2my2cuties replied: I was thinking about this as I was on our 'girls night out' tonight...I think a lot of it is not so much age, but personalities.

Like Cary, I am what a lot of moms consider 'strange' because you will rarely see me in make up, with my hair all done up, my nails done etc.... (Oh and Cary, I'm not calling you strange - just that a lot of moms see "our type" as different and therefore consider us strange)

I actually spend most every day at the park or something like that with Andy...Usually in sweatpants and a tank top and sneakers with my hair either in a hat or stuck in a pony tail. And you will usually find me with sweat dripping off and running around on the equipment with her, instead of as most of the other moms there sitting down on the cell phone or reading or whatever. And my daughter, while I LOVE to dress her up, is a lot like her momma & most days actually refuses to fix her hair, and honestly 80% of the time, the fight isnt worth it so I shove a hat on her head and we are good.

Most moms my age find this unacceptable especially in my area (the priciest part of town) where you are expected to be a certain "type" and honestly I have tried to fit in here...It isn't my style. I am not that kind of mom.

Now, all that to simply say, I think it has less to do with age and more to do with personality. I would rather be around older moms (I'm 25) than younger ones because of maturity level. I don't want to be around women who all they want to do EVERY week is go out and have a drink, check out the local "guys" and that sort of thing that younger moms tend to like to do sometimes.

coasterqueen replied: Cary,

I feel a lot of what you are saying. I am totally the odd man out even with my friends who are my age and have kids. I parent SO differently from them and I know they've thought about that 3rd boob thing. I get called Lactator at work and by some of my friends because I'm still nursing a 17 month old and up until recently I was pumping at work for her still.

I, also, don't give a rats behind if I go to work without make-up, my hair all done, etc. I am who I am, if you don't like me....don't look. That's my motto and good thing my husband likes me this way. Good thing I feel comfortable in my skin with no make-up or my hair done for work too. 9 times out of 10 I'm wearing a pony tail to work too. I'm just not very vain and want people to like me for me, not what I look like or wear.

I'd LOVE LOVE to find someone to hang out that is like that. Even my best girlfriend who has 'let herself go' puts on a ton of RED lipstick and is way in to fashion, but I love her. I don't know one mom or not mom friend who is like me in this 'down to earth' way.

Don't get me wrong, when I feel like it I'll dress up, do my make-up and take my hair out of a pony, but not often. The most 'maintenance' I do to myself is hair color and highlight and that's so people will stop telling me I have black hair..I hate that..don't know why.

I don't know one mom close to me (farther away from me there are a few from time to time I see) that aren't crunchy or close to my views at all.