Okay Opionions please - This debate has been ragging for years
TANNER'S MOM wrote: At my house..
As you know we are a blended Brandy bunch family. And at Christmas time.. it is hard to be fair. We are having a debate right now..and it is the same debate we have had for the last 7 years.
Okay.. Brittany and Justin.. have a huge Christmas at their Dads..then go to his Mom's and then go to their Great Grandpa's.. Not counting what they get here.
And Tiffany has a big Christmas at her Moms..and then goes to 2 Grandma's and then what she gets here.
So then we have Tanner..who has but One Christmas celebration here. And believe me he is not deprived!
But Randy feels it is unfair to him to have to watch all the kids pack in truck loads of extra gifts that they have opened. So he thinks Tanner is intitled to a few extra's. Which the kids throw a fit about the FAIRNESS of that. Now I have just always tried to be fair and spend the same on ALL kids..but Randy feels like if Tanner gets a say EXTRA bike..that the other kids don't have a present equal too..that is if fine. But I am not sure.. cause I just take care of my kids and don't worry about the others..
But it is hard on Tanner to see the presents and then not touch..lol You know. SO Randy wants to get a few gifts for Tanner to open while the other kids are at their other parents.. now is the wrong or right. I have never let it happen yet..but Tanner is just NOW old enough to realize the extra..and Randy wants it to be fair all around he says..
Okay we are crazy parents I know.. so what is right and fair??
holley79 replied: Well Shawn's son has us, multiple grandparents, etc. When he goes home, he goes home with a truck load also. I always felt bad because his younger sister and brother would see him come home with a whole bunch of things. I always tried to kind of make it up to them by having extra gifts for them to open when Bran would go home. (I always put them from Bran or else his mother would have a fit.)
I don't see the harm in kind of having a double Christmas. Maybe a Tanner Christmas and then a WHOLE family Christmas. I'm sure that he is feeling left out. I know I did when my brother and sister would come home from their dad's house during the holidays. I wouldn't go extra overboard on the extra gifts but just so he has a little something extra. 
I'm a softy sorry. 
CantWait replied: Ditto here, I'm a softy. I say maybe one extra semi small gift is fair for when his sibblings are away 
CAMSMOM1 replied: I think your DH is right. I think you should give Tanner extra gifts when the others are gone. I'm not sure about a Bike, that's a pretty big "extra" gift. But it does depend on the type of gifts the others are coming home with, and the amount of gifts. I do think it should be fair, and Tanner should feel like he is equal. I wouldn't make it a huge secret from the other kids. When they come home, ask to see all their presents. Then tell them about Tanner, and that because he doesn't have other parents and other families, that he has gotten some gifts as well. That way they understand you are not favoring him, but that they are blessed with extra presents and so is Tanner. (I hope this makes sense, it's late!) 
I would also suggest that you and your DH have more talks about this, and also compromise. It's hard to find that fine line of being "fair."
Hope this works out!
Ann
amymom replied: I do not have this concern. However, my two kids are six years apart in age. We consistently tell them that fair does not mean equal. My son, being older, will ALWAYS have more responsibility. My daughter will ALWAYS get chores earlier than he did. When it comes to gift giving, his gifts are smaller now and more expensive. So where I can give her a $10 snowboard, he 'needs' a whole $200 kit.  It is hard to balance it.
What if? you included the other kids in giving Tanner a few gifts, before they leave to go with their other families so Tanner has stuff while they are away? I don't know how that would work but just my quick thought.
Boys r us replied: I think while the other kids are away, then it would be okay to get Tanner some presents. I wouldn't go overboard though...b/c in my opinion, this is just sort of life...and at some point he's going to have to learn that life isn't always fair and some people have different circumstances in life that may appear better..but are they REALLY? Perhaps explain to Tanner, that yes, it seems like it would be great that the other kids get to celebrate more than one time at Christmas, however, there is a price that they pay for that too..meaning, they don't get to live with both their mom and their dad everyday too and that Tanner should be happy that he only celebrates christmas one time b/c that means on Christmas morning, his whole family is right there with him and not seperated.
ammommy replied:
Excellent points! I would also use this as a chance to teach him that Christmas is about celebrating all of the great things that we are blessed with (family, friends, etc) and not about "gimee, gimee, gimee". I'm not saying that that's his attitude at all, BTW. It's just really easy to get into that mode this time of year.
JP&KJMOM replied: I have to step children also and they have their mom's Christmas and their stepdads family too and always get alot plus what we get them. So we make up the difference in that our 2 little ones get lots of Santa and the others just get stockings. Of course my stepchildren are older (17 and 20) and they understand but in past years we also let our 2 open presents while the older ones went to their moms. You might go and get Tanner a few inexpensive gifts (Dollar Store or something like that) to open while the others are gone with just you and your DH.
Don't feel bad cause blended families are the hardest things sometimes.
My2Beauties replied: I agree with just about everyone here. I think Nichole is right in that there are perks to the fact that he has one Christmas, my heart goes out to Desiree every year because she has to split Christmas between her two parents while her baby brother is with his mom and dad all day and well so is Hanna and Desiree feels I think sort of weird when it comes to that, but while Hanna and Desiree pretty much have the same amount of gifts to open at our house, Desiree also gets the same amount as her baby brother at her house, which sort of doubles her gifts! But I still think that she sort of feels not really bad because I know she loves me and she loves her stepdad and she loves her siblings, but she sort of feels different. I think it's ok for you guys to give Tanner a few extras since the other kids do bring their stuff over and he sees it ya know. The thing with Desiree is her extras stay at her house and then everything she gets from our side, Hanna gets from the same people, so in that sense they are even and Hanna doesn't see sissy getting extras - but she is also still at an age where she has no clue what equal is and thinks it's fun for everyone to open all the presents they can! Good luck Mel, I love my blended family but it can be hard too!
jcc64 replied: I think Nichole said it perfectly. That doesn't mean it will completely resonate with Tanner until he is maybe a little older. So for the time being, a few small things when the other kids go off to celebrate elsewhere seems about right. I think the other kids are capable of understanding the motivation behind your actions. If not, you can always remind them that Christmas is not a numbers game.
TANNER'S MOM replied: Well I would like to mention that it is not Tanner.. it is us. It is us worrying about what is fair to everyone. We talk about all those things...and he is the first to be sad and really miss his sissy's and bubbie when they leave to go to the other families. It is hard on him too for them to not be there.
Yes it is life..but I life I feel like is my fault for everyone to go through. I just want to make it easier. I guess it comes from alot of different things to me.
jcc64 replied:
That's totally understandable, Mel- I think most people would have a similiar reaction. But as tempting as it is to overcompensate with "stuff", the sadness or emptiness that you are trying to address might better be handled in other ways. Maybe you can start some kind of Christmas tradition with Tanner- a special thing you do just with him when the other kids are away. Maybe it's a hike in the woods or baking cookies or a treasure hunt where you hide little gifts all over the place that he has to find. Having your undivided attention can't be all that bad- this way you can turn a negative into a positive.
And as with everything in life, certain circumstances ARE beyond your control. Try to pull yourself out of your grief over the loss of the "perfect" intact family, and celebrate everything that is good about the family you do have. If you can make it ok in your own head, it will make it easier for your kids as well.
Your sensitivity to their feelings reveals what a great mom you are. You're giving them everything they need, believe me.
mammag replied: I agree with you Mel. I think he should get some extras. I think keep it to smaller items and it is fine. The others are old enough that they should understand that you are just trying to make it fair to him and not that you guys love him more than them.
You are doing a fine job Mel! You are such a caring mom!!!
mckayleesmom replied: Maybe Tanners "extra gifts" can be used by the whole family....Perhaps a dvd for a movie night. "popcorn"....stuff to do while they are away.
mammag replied:
Ooh! That's a great idea! Or maybe some new board games and you three could have a fun game time while they are gone but then they could also play later.
Good thinking Brianne!!!
punkeemunkee'smom replied: Mel~ you are such a good mom! I know you are worried and I think a few extras for Tanner is a fine idea! The other kids are older and should understand-they get several celebrations! And Tanner is younger, Santa still comes ETC. It will be just fine!
TANNER'S MOM replied: Ok let me explain this kind of this way..
It is more about me and some guilt I feel for life in away.
Okay Tanner doesn't voice it and say I need more than everyone. But when they come home with a truck load..he says hey where did you get that? How come I didn't get one? He used to try and figure out why Brittany's grandma wasn't his grandma..and why he didn't go there for Christmas too. He is trying to figure out why he is different. I think it has some to do with Brittany and Justin being full brother and sisters too.. you know they go to the same place. And leave him behind.
And it comes from a lot of family issue's with me. Meaning.. I don't have a mom..so he doesn't have that extended family from. And well we know how Randy's family is ..and I doubt we will even hear from them..so it does go pretty deep.
I just don't want people to feel like I am just talkign about Christmas b/c I am not. It is about how he feels left out I guess.
I guess Jeannie is right.. I need to do something about time.. making the day special for us all. And maybe I feel the loss of extended family as much if not more than him.
Umm it's hard to be a blended family with no real extended family for my side.
coasterqueen replied: Wow, this is a tuffy. I say get him a few extra things. In our family since there are so much "blended-ness" we actually get gifts for all the other kids that are "step" kids and don't necessarily come for the holidays. We just send those gifts home with their parents and then they get to open them up at home. Does that make sense? That way no one is left out. Too bad the rest of the family isn't like this for Tanner. 
jcc64 replied: I understand the feelings about the lack of an extended family, believe me. Dh's family has never warmed to me, mainly b/c I am not Korean. Steve's father doesn't even know Corey's name for sure, and clearly he wants nothing to do with us. I have processed the feelings, but I hurt for my kids. My dad died last year, the rest of my family is scattered. I know how you feel, about extended family, believe me. But dh keeps reminding me that you can't really miss what you never had to begin with, and that sounds about right I guess.
The holidays are great, but they also have a way of ripping the scab off of some pretty deep wounds. You're doing the best you can Mel, and your kids will know that, deep down.
My2Beauties replied: Mel I just want to say that you are one of the sweetest and dearest people I know and you are such a GREAT mom. To even be worrying about this on such a deep level shows how much you care for each of your children, step or biological! I think that whatever you decide to do will be wonderful and that Tanner is going to be such a wonderful man when he grows up because of his momma!
NikkiM replied: I say 1 or 2 extras from "santa" to Tanner would be nice.
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