OH Ya'll! I just upset my sister... - I kinda wanted to BUT.....

punkeemunkee'smom wrote: Now I am really unsure! OK this may get long...My sister is one of the most incredible people I have ever met. Seriously she is so smart and TALENTED! She writes music and sings in a band. She is so kind and just really a GOOD person. The type I would be friends with and be glad to-even if we weren't related! Well we have gotten really close in the past couple years and we talk about everything-we have some common gripes about our parents and we just have fun. I guess I should say she is 20,she has been very sheltered. Well she has a boyfriend-she started dating him while she was in college. I was so EXCITED to meet him! WE went to my parents for Thanksgiving and he was there. He was ummm....NOT what I was hoping for her. He did not say a single word to Bill-he ignored Taylor and all the other kids(we have 9 in our family-ages from 4*the baby*-28*me*)He was rude about the fact that they were playing poker(for pennies) and I never heard him laugh. She played some music for us and he looked BORED the whole time. She has been different since she is with him too. She has lost alot of her JOY! She doesn't write music like she used to. She is stressed ALL THE TIME now. She has changed her dreams and she is saying she is willing to give it all up for him...her family ,her band ,her music aspirations(I should add she has already been backround vocals on a christian music CD) Well tonight she kept saying how she wishes everyone would say what they wanted to say to her face...she loves him and they want to get married. But it is all just so business seeming. Anyway I was trying to be as nice as I could and I was telling her marriage is hard-the warm fuzzies have to hold something more....she says I am sick of this I am not 5...I don't want to talk to you. SO I said Ok Meg-then in that case you give me 4 more minutes and you listen and then you can go...I unleashed. I told her that he is taking her joy and her talent. He is rude and selfish. I told her that I hoped and prayed that I was wrong that Bill was wrong and that my mom and dad are wrong and then I told her to grow up and realize that we have always LOVED her-we want the best for her and we are only looking out for her! I asked her why if he was so wonderful did he expect her to make all the changes...why all the stress why the constant state of unhappiness? Why if this man was so good for her was she so uneasy and what happened to the girl who wrote 3 songs-music and lyrics a week? She was crying when I was done and so was I....I told her I loved her and that I was sorry to upset her but I couldn't let her keep blaming everyone else for her *BLAH* attitude lately. We hung up at that...it needed to be said but now I am really sad and scared I may have said too much..... If you made it this far bless you! I just hope I did not push her farther away!

mckayleesmom replied: I think you did the right thing...She asked for the truth and you gave it to her. Some people don't see how they are letting people treat them and how they changed until someone points it out for them. The truth always hurts and she will only be treated the way she allows people to treat her.

redchief replied: I hope so too, but I really think you needed to have that conversation. It almost seems as if she KNEW what you'd say if she forced it. Kind of like she feels more uneasy about spending the rest of her life with this guy than she'd led on. I truly hope your conversation has an opposite effect than you fear and she sees that what you told her needed to be said. Bless you.

holley79 replied: She asked for the truth. In the long run had you not given it to her she would know that you didn't.

mckayleesmom replied: Also...it sounds like she is already trying to validate some feelings about him that she might have herself....Why else would she ask you your opinion? She wants to see if other people are seeing what she is.

C&K*s Mommie replied: so many hugs Abbie.

If that was the truth that was in your heart, why be ashamed?? You said it, but it is up to her to decide on her own hopefully with a higher level of maturity than what most 20yo have. Not to say she is immature, but when I was 20-- I was invincible and no one knew better than me when it came to my life. So I am speaking more for myself.

I hope and pray (as do you) that she will continue on the path that she was taking. But whichever detour she takes to get to her dreams, it is up to her.

Good for you though, to speak your mind. You all are adults, you need to be able to say what is needed, and the other can take it or leave it.

many hugs.

~~*Missi*~~ replied: I am so sorry about that situation. I know that many times my older sister disliked boyfriends etc... and i never want to hear the truth. But thank god as a sister she told me the truth of how she felt and now I appreciated her for it.
She may not be willing to understand or listen right now but you said your peace and you did the right thing.
You did what any adult or any sibling should. You didn't lie you told her the truth. Hoepfully tonight she will sit down or go to sleep burn it off and realize that maybe your not being a "b" that you care and there is a lot of truth to what you said.

Love isn't change its UNCONDITIONAL! She needs to realize that. If he want her to do all this changing exactly what does he so love about her. If he loved the person she is would he really truly want her to change anything, NO I don't think so.

Sorry your in a rock and a hard place. You darned if you darned if you don't but you did the right thing IMO! She will come around us little sisters usually do!

mckayleesmom replied:
great minds think alike....I just posted the same thing at the same time Ed...how wierd is that???

Brias3 replied: Sounds like a case of denial on her part. As others mentioned, the truth hurts. Sometimes, you need to hear it though. She's probably initially angry at your truthfulness towards her but give her some time to let it absorb and maybe her attitude toward you will change. You did the right thing. The ball is in her court now how to handle the situation. Hopefully she chooses the right path, if not- know you did all YOU could to advise her.

redchief replied:
Brianne, I don't find it weird at all but I would like you to please vacate my mind, thank you very much.

luvmykids replied: I think she must be having doubts of her own, why else be so defensive? And love does sometimes take sacrifice, but not at the expense of someones happiness, kwim? I'm so sorry, I think if anyone should be able to/willing to tell you the truth its your family, you did what a sis is supposed to do and you did it out of love. When someone upsets me I always go to the intentions, if I know their intentions are good I can find a way to deal with it. I hope she will too!

amymom replied: Oh Abbie, I hope she sees what you were saying. I know you did the right thing.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: Thank you all very much! I did not sleep very well lastnight over it. She was so angry because she said she hears this alot. From our parents, some of her friends, our younger sister. She is very trusting and I believe this guy says all the right stuff. I just can't figure out why if he wants her to change does he stay. He wants her to be less outspoken. I am afraid he will eventually seperate her from her family. We are (Ed, you will appriciate this ) an eastcoast born Irish family...we speak our minds(not rude), we are loud-there is alot of us! He put his hand over her mouth 2x at Thanksgiving becuase her and I were laughing too loud! I told him if he did it again Bill would break his fingers! (He nor my parents saw it) Anyway I could go on about how wrong I think he is for her Thank you all for your support-it does help ease my mind! She can make whatever choice she wants now and I will of course still Love her and be here anytime she needs me. I feel like if she does choose to go on in this relationship, she at least had everyone's opinions.

C&K*s Mommie replied: uuhhhh..... H*#! NO! nobody has the right to do that to anyone! PERIOD! (unless it is in a life threatining situation) Good for you, seeing that and acting on it. I hope he got that message loud and clear!