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Now I need advice...


MommyToAshley wrote: A little background...

Ashley has a friend from Kindergarten, but she's not in her class this year. There are some issues going on in the little girls family, and the little girl is never happy. She cries a lot, and I never see her smiling. Ashley sat next to her in Kindergarten, and would always cheer her up. I was glad that Ashley was wanting to help this little girl feel better, but I was concerned because it was a daily thing and Ashley was starting to feel responsible for the little girl's happiness. I had told her that it's nice that she wants to help this girl feel better, but she shouldn't feel like it's her job to do it every day.

Now for the issue...

Ashley loves recess time, and always comes home talking about how she played jump rope, soccer, basketball... whatever happened to be going on at the time. She's the type of person that will play with everyone and isn't shy about joining in on activities. Although, her favorite is jump rope and tends to play that more often. All of the first graders have recess at the same time, and this girl from Kindergarten has found Ashley at recess. The last few days Ashley has come home saying that at recess she spent her time trying to cheer this little girl up because she is the only one that can make her happy. The little girl didn't want to join in with the other kids, she didn't want to play jump rope with the other girls, or freeze tag, or sharks and islands (whatever that is?). She didn't want Ashley to play with anyone else either, and would cry if she did. I know Ashley has a kind heart, but I am very leery of this situation. I am proud that Ashley wants to help a friend, but yet at the same time I am afraid she is beginning to feel responsible for this little girls feelings again. It just doesn't sound like a very healthy friendship.

I have talked to her briefly about it, without trying to seem like I am telling her what to do. I thought about approaching the guidance counselor about this little girl as I think she needs additional help. But, I am not sure how to approach the subject with Ashley. We've talked about it and how different scenarios could play out, but yet the next day she had spent the recess with the girl again. What would you do?

lisar replied: I would definatley go and talk with the guidance counselor and see what they can do. Its a great thing that Ashley wants to help this little girl. But she shouldnt be missing out on things either. I think maybe this little girl might need more help than what Ashley can give her. Its a sad situation. Keep us updated.

luvbug00 replied: Mya has a "barnicle" buddy as well. One who just sticks to her. ( in her case this little girl has no friends and mya feels sorry for her and none of the other kids will play with mya if this girl is arround, so Mya is forced to play with her.)

Anyway...
I would approach a counceler. This poor child sounds like their is somthing much deeper going on. It's so sweet of Ashley to try and help, but it isn't fair to Ashley to not be able to enjoy herself durring ressess. The give and take in friendships is still being established at this age but this kid is obviously the taker.(even though it may not be on purpose). I'd speak to a counceler immiditately, I know here Mya doesn't even want to go to school to face her "barnicle" becuase she is afraid the other kids will shun her too.

Uhh this is why i hated school, it's all comming back sleep.gif

momofone replied: maybe some of the recess aides can encourage the other girl to play with others as well maybe in a group activity.

mammag replied: I agree with the others, definitely talk to someone. If the girls life is still bad a year later it could be that they need to look into that. They would also be able to talk to the teachers that are out there during recess. My guess is that Ashley just has such a big heart that without intervention from a teacher she will end up spending the rest of the year trying to console her.

Kristen had friends that would get mad at her if she played with other kids and it took her forever to realize that they weren't true friends. It could also be that this little girly knows that if she acts sad Ashley will stay with her.

It's such a sad situation really.

hug.gif hug.gif But way to go mom for raising such a kind hearted little girl!

luvmykids replied: Colt has a friend who gets mad if he plays with anyone else and I've told him that as hard as it is to see his friend sitting out and upset, it's his choice and Colt doesn't have to choose between this friend and the other kids.

I agree with everyone else, this little girl sounds like she needs more than Ashley can do for her sleep.gif and although it's awesome that Ashley cares so much, it's a big burden for a little girl to bear. I think mentioning it to a counselor is the best idea hug.gif

gr33n3y3z replied: I would go and talk to the guidance counselor
Ashley should not feel its her job to make this child happy but its great that Ashley has brightend this childs day but then Ashley shouldnt have to.
Its very sad that the childs home life is that bad

Maddie&EthansMom replied: We had a situation similar, except the troubled little girl was very controlling. She just happened to zone in on my daughter. dry.gif It got so bad that other kids and parents were noticing. I spoke with Maddie's teacher (our school doesn't have a guidance counselor for the lower school.) I also talked with Maddie. It did take some time before she started making other friends and telling this other girl to stop being so bossy. This year they are in separate classes and still see each other at recess. But, I think Maddie has learned to ignore this other girls attempts to control her. I share this b/c I think in a way this little girl is trying to control Ashley as well. It's amazing how young they start all of this.

I would start with the teacher and maybe ask her what it's like in the classroom. Find out how much she can do about the situation. If the situation doesn't get any better, I would take it to the guidance counselor. Ultimately, I think it will be the teacher's responsibility to take care of it since she is around them more. It certainly isn't Ashley's responsibility to be an emotional support for this girl.

Ashley is a smart girl. She will figure it out. Just keep talking to her and encouraging her. In time she will know who her friends are. I can't tell you how much I stressed the past few years over the kids Maddie was hanging out with. I know it doesn't get better as the years go on, but I feel it is my job to educate her now. I tend to get a tad more involved in this area b/c I want to make sure that she is fair to everyone as well.

redchief replied: Others have already weighed in on the guidance and I agree. Maybe you could play out with Ashley how to handle it... like a little play acting. You could act the part of the sad little girl and direct Ashley to say something like, "You are my friend and I like to spend time with you, but I have other friends I like to play with too. You are welcome to join us in the fun."

Then you could explain that Ashley shouldn't feel badly about making other friends even if that means that another friend will dislike it. Explain that it isn't selfish of Ashley to want to share of herself, but it is selfish for another person to want to have her to herself all of the time.

Nina J replied: I really like Ed's idea.

I think you should contact the guidance counseller and perhaps even Ashley's teacher; she could keep an eye on it in the playground.

I think it shows what a kind little girl Ashley is, but it would be unfortunate for her to miss out on playing with the other children. I think they are all still bonding and it is important, as well as fun, for Ashley to participate.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: hug.gif hug.gif That is a really tough situation. I would definately speak to the guidance counsellor about this little girl and continue to talk to Ashley about it. hug.gif hug.gif

jcc64 replied: I think everyone's given you excellent advice- I particularly like Ed's idea of role playing with Ashley so she can be prepared when the next incident arises. I do think you should be very very proud of raising such a sensitive, compassionate little girl, Dee Dee, but empathy comes with a price tag sometimes. I agree with Aimee and Jeanie that there is probably a controlling element to the girl's clinginess, though I'm sure it's only coming from a place of desperation in her wounded little psyche. Unfortunately, as others have said, possessiveness about friendships seems to figure prominently in female relationships from a very early age. Corey's dealt with a bossy, possessive friend who regularly wielded relational aggression and tried very hard to isolate Corey from other kids. I work very hard to keep things on track, but it's a never-ending process- girls are tough. And it doesn't end when they get older--I had a friend in college who couldn't deal with my other friendships- it was suffocating, but being a big sap, it was hard for me to pull away from her b/c like Ashley, I felt sorry for her.
It's not an easy situation for a 6 yr old- and I absolutely would involve the guidance counselor, as well as the lunch/recess aides. They're the ones who are around it on a daily basis.

MommyToAshley replied: Thanks everyone... I really value your input.

Ashley came home yesterday and said she had played "super spies" with several of the other kids at recess. She didn't mention this little girl, so I'm not sure if she just wasn't there or Ashley managed to avoid her.

I agree that there is a controlling aspect to the relationship. I like the idea of role playing ... thanks for the suggestion.


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