Need to vent about DH.... - this is long

Maddie&EthansMom wrote: I want to start by saying that I truly love my DH. He is my soul mate and my very best friend. Life without him would never be the same and I know this. I try to be rational about things and not fly off the handle over every stupid move he makes, but enough is enough. I do everything for him. I bust my butt to try to make him happy and go out of my way to please him. I would just like some respect and acknowledgement every once in awhile.

He has been working a lot and usually when he works a lot and we don't see each other I get like this. By 'this' I mean moody and irrational. He really has no choice but to go into work everyday...I understand this. But I've been telling him for the past 2 weeks that I really need him, miss him and want to spend some time alone with him. He promised me he would take an extra day off to take care of things around the house. It hasn't happened. Instead of telling me he won't get a day off he keeps saying "I will see what I can do." He knows when he tells me that that it isn't possible. THEN to top it all off, he calls me on his way home from work the other day and says "I have some things I need to do in the yard this weekend, I'm thinking about inviting dad up to help me, he has been wanting to see us. We can cook lunch and then work out in the yard." WTF? I said "Okay well what do you want me to do?" He flew off the handle and said "FINE! I won't ask him to come up here, Aimee! I just thought since I haven't seen him in 2 months that I would invite him over, but it is clear you don't want him here!" You are darn right I dont' want him here!! I want to spend time with my husband! I've been telling him for weeks that there are things we need to sit down and go over (together). I thought maybe we could spend some quality time together on Sunday since he hasn't been able to take some time off, but it doesn't even occur to him.

We got in a huge discussion last night about all of this. I told him that I am tired of feeling neglected. I told him he needs to create a balance between work and home and if he can't be here physically he needs to find a way to take care of things from there. He never listens to anything I say. For the past couple of months he has been very distant. I know he is tired and doesn't want to deal with anything, but like I told him, he can't just ignore it and think it will go away. A relationship takes a lot of work and he is neglecting his entire family. There are so many ways he could make me feel important. I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to pick up the stupid phone and call just to tell me he is thinking about me. If I don't get to spend time with him, the least he could do is let me know I'm in his thoughts and he misses me. Sometimes I just think I'm not worth it to him. I don't know why else he wouldnt' make the effort. You would think if I meant something to him that he would want to show me how he felt. I dont' get it. I told him I wanted him to move out and I meant it. What bothered me most is that he doesnt' even get it. He doesnt' try to see it or understand what the problem is. I told him I dont' want him around if he isnt' going to be plugged in to this family and our feelings. Right now he is just someone else to feed, clothe and worry about and I don't need that. I need support, encouragement and love. All he has done lately is bring me down. He isnt' going to move out. He said he needs me to guide him and help him. He wants to try he just doesn't always know what I want. I find that hard to believe, but I will do my best to guide him. His suggestion was to get up early and eat breakfast together every morning. I went to the store and got some things to fix for breakfast. I don't eat breakfast and I'm never awake that early to cook breakfast for him, but it is important to him so I will do it.

Anyway, we were up all night talking. I didn't get much sleep and I had to get up early to go to that memorial service. I'm very tired. It was a very FAST trip b/c every one back home is sick. I didnt' want the kids around them. DH called me this morning to check in. He sounded okay. He wanted to make sure we were all set for the day and he wanted to tell me he loves me. I guess he is trying. On top of all that I have come down with an earache. My ear starts hurting if we have the slightest breeze here.

I know some of you can shed some light on this for me. I know I'm not perfect and a lot of things I say in the heat of the moment should not ever be said. I would suggest counseling, but I know he doesnt' have the time. Our major problem is communication. He HATES to communicate (period). I'm the type that lays everything out on the table...he walks away from it. I refuse to let it go and tear us apart. I refuse to ignore it and let it get so bad that we are eventually nothing to each other and have no connection whatsoever. I don't want to give up on us.

We'll see where it goes from here. Thanks for listening if you got this far.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Girl we are in the same boat. I wanted to pick up the phone and just call you..lol
I am made at Randy for this same thing. I am like you I don't know where to go with this, and some days I just want to give up. But if you will hang in there, I will too.

It is hard for us women, we do everything. And feels like a being a single parent in the relationship. I can't tell you how many times I have said, He's just another mouth to feed" And I know that is the wrong attitude. I think that I need to work on attitude.

Maybe we should find some really great hobbie, find some new friends. We need some way to let all the negative feelings go. If you find it girl, let me know.

If you need to talk I will be there for you.

Peace,
Mel

MomToMany replied: Oh Aimee, I'm so sorry you are going through that. It's how I feel some days too, especially the "just another person to take care of and feed" part. I never get any acknowledgement either.

Maybe he's going through some inner crisis and is having a hard time sorting things out, but doesn't want to burden you with it. Maybe it would do some good if you spent a day or 2 apart. As you might know, the heart grows fonder while apart.

I'm no good with advice, but just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you and I know what you are going through.

((((((Aimee))))))!!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:

He always says I am like a single mom b/c of the hours he works. He just doesnt' know how true that is. If I had more emotional support from him it would make it a hell of a lot easier on me.

Last night he made the comment that all I ever have to talk about are my friends on the net. I told him that is the only support I get and the only life I have to speak of. What does he suggest I do? He isn't here. What else do I have to talk about?

Where else can I go that I could find so many friends who respond to me immediately in a positive light and encourage me daily whether I need it or not? I just don't know of any other place.

You made the comment in another thread that you have been married 7 years. We will celebrate 7 years in December. Several of people I know have had these problems in their seventh year. Things were fine until recently. Do you think we are bored with each other? We probably just need to make time for each other and find that spark. Hopefully it will be soon! This is wearing me out!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:

Thank you, Mollie. You are always there to offer a hug when I need it. I would love to get away for a couple of days, but he would hold it against me. He hates when I'm not here at his beck and call. I would love more than anything to go to the movies with him and to dinner alone. I just want to be close to him and be quiet together. I would feel secure in knowing he wanted that, too. The past couple of times we had the chance to go out alone he stood me up b/c of work. He doesn't understand how important it is to me to be with him and have his undivided attention. At home there are too many distractions. KWIM?

paradisemommy replied: my sister just celebrated their 16th anniversary..she said right around the 7th year they both got in a funk (7th year itch, i think she called it) she said she was ready to walk away with their kids and not look back. they worked things out and are closer than ever now..so just hang in there...*******BIG HUGS********

mama3x replied: I am going through the same thing, Aimee and because I am pg, I am that much more messed up emotionally. I try not to bring it to the Boards because when I belonged to another board, I was accused of not sucking it up and dealing with it.

I digress...I totally understand what you are going through and I don't understand it myself. Even if we do have moments at home together after the kids are asleep, I don't get any attention or acknowledgement. And why would I initiate if I know I am going to get nothing in return?

I am here for you too...we can be here for each other.

Take care...

kit_kats_mom replied: I'm sorry you are going though this right now. It sounds like you two are just out of sync right now. I'm sure it will get better if you both make some changes.

I tend to communicate like a man and I get really uncomfortable if I have to have a face to face conversation with my DH. My problem is that I really want to please him and make him happy and upsetting him is the last thing I'd ever want. That means that when we do have "difficult" conversations, I usually just say "ok" to keep from upsetting him. I find that I get my needs met better if I can communicate to him via email or letters.

I also often need directions in what DH needs from me. We are both so busy with the kid and work that we often fall to the last priority for each other. He will email me something like a top 10 list of things I can do, or things I already do that he likes. He knows that if I make time to do any of those things every day, it's my way of showing my appreciation for him. Examples are: making his lunch, letting him have half an hour to wind down when he walks in the door from work, making dinner etc. None of it is hard but I often have to refer to the list. Maybe that would help your dh.

MommyToAshley replied:

Aimee, I am sorry you are going through a rough spot. I have heard the same thing from friends about the 7th year... how odd is that.

It sounds like you have had a productive talk, but I honestly think that the problem is that your DH is a work-a-holic. My Dad was this way, and I watched my Mom go through a lot of the same things you are saying. They have been married 45 years, but I know she was unhappy until my Dad retired -- he was in the service for 20 years and then retired from another job 25 years later. I don't really know the right way to deal with the situation or even why work-a-holics are the way they are. Maybe they feel this is their way of making a contribution to the family. I know my Dad always felt that my Mom didn't understand why he was working so many hours... he was doing it "for the family", as he put it. But, my Mom would have rather had my Dad home a few nights a week.

I think your DH is going to have to decide that he can take time out from work to be with the family more. If he wants it to happen, I am sure he will find a way to make it happen. I am not going to pretend to know anything about the car business, but I don't think that they could expect him to all those hours every day of the week. You are giving up your sleep in the morning to eat breakfast with him even though you don't like eating breakfast. Can he schedule one day during the week for family time? And, then make sure his work knows that he is not available during this time? Again, I don't have the answers, I am just kind of thinking out loud.

I hope you and your DH are able to get back on track and work through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and we are always here to listen.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Aimee I think you and your husband might want to think about marriage counselling. I don't mean this in a bad way, but having someone else to talk to about your problems does help. My DH and I were in marriage counselling for a year and our counsellor moved away, so we haven't seen anyone for about 4 months now. It's been really hard not having someone to mediate things for us. Also I've read a few of your other posts, the one thing that has struck me is how you talk about yourself. You sound so down. It sounds like this situation is affecting you more than you realize and I would strongly suggest you talk to your doctor. I know you mentioned shortly after Ethan was born that you were depressed. This could be making your depression come back. Oh I hope I haven't offended you, I'm not very good at this, I only want to offer you suggestions and to help you. Also no one expects you to be perfect! You are a wonderful mother, a wonderful wife! I think you need some YOU time!

Boys r us replied: I haven't read any of the other replies..so sorry if I duplicate anything already said. But I want you to listen to me Aimee..

You sound EXACTLY ...and I do MEAN EXACTLY like me 4 months ago. I was to the point I said..you know..you're just one more person for me to worry about and take care of...and I get nothing in return! I told him to leave. Of course, he didn't. But I did. I left for a few days with the kids and when I came home I told him..the only way I'm willing to stay with you is if you agree to go to counseling with me. He did. He wasn't overly thrilled, but he knew I was serious! I made the apt and we went. I went into that counselors office with him that first session and I blew him away..I told her everything he did that pissed me off and it felt good! It felt good to tell it to someone who got what I was saying. I told her that nothing hurt more than loving someone and not getting it back and that I'd rather just be alone if this is how I had to spend the rest of my life...b/c at least then I wouldn't have anyone to expect love from...and that would hurt less.

Then..she started in on me..she told me...just by using my own words..how selfish I was being! I was ready to stand up and walk out..I didn't go there for her to tell me I was wrong! But I remained seated!

She explained to me that men don't get things like we do. That we're just not programmed the same way and the best thing we can do is teach one another.
She said, if you want a kiss from him, go up to him and kiss him..don't think that because you had to "ask" for it it means any less.

After the first session, she had us do some homework...our first assignment was to kiss each other 2x a day. Seems stupid..but it opened the door..I can't explain it.

From there, she taught me not to overlook the things he does that say he IS trying!
Just because they're not up to my standards doesn't mean he isn't trying!
She taught me that we both had to compromise..like in your situation...Scottie said..let's have breakfast together every morning, don't sell his efforts short simply b/c you're not a breakfast person...get excited about it and enjoy the thought of having time with him in the mornings, maybe you'll become a morning person..especially if it means getting to spend precious quality time with the man you love!
Just tkae this one step at a time and you REALLY do have to teach men what you want hun! I know it sounds so so stupid..b/c as women we're programmed to get that whole emotional thing..men are not!

I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling that way...but for me, when I learned to open my eyes a little wider, I was able to see all of the ways he actually was trying to show me love...I didn't see them before b/c they weren't the ways I would expect him to show me love..kwim?

I think you two should go to a counselor! It was the absolute best thing we've EVER done for our marriage! We only went 4 times..but that's all it took for both of us to learn a magnitude about one another!

Gatalita replied: Sry ur having to go through this girl. But, I understand exactly how you feel. My hubby just started a new job in the mornings, goes to school at night (next week is his last week of school! Then he graduates! ), and on the weekends he does this security job for almost like 13 hrs. on Sat. and 11 hrs. on Sunday. So, he is hardly ever home. The only day that he has is Wednesday and we take care of EVERYTHING then. I go to my personal councilor, then to the marriage councilor, then any other appointments that we might have, Wal-Mart, Groshery Store, Wal-Greans, and gas. Needless to say that on Wednesdays we are out of the house around 9:30 AM and not home again until *maybe* 10 PM.

So, it's like 1 out of every 7 days he is actually home.
It is also taking it's toll on Zuriel. When he comes home or he is home he tends to cry alot and doesn't want anything to do w/ hubby. *shrugs* I have no idea why it is. But, after awhile (I do mean AWHILE) he becomes tolerant and starts taking up w/ daddy and will go, "da da da da" and just cling to him like a leach. Usually that always happens at the most inconvient of times.

Then when hubby is home he is ALWAYS on the computer. However, just recently he has been spending a touch of time w/ him b/c I was constantly on his back w/ him not spending as much time as he needs to w/ his son.

Conversations in and of it's true word are practically non-existant. He has a tendancy to ramble on for hrs. (I litterally meen HRS) aboutt he same ole thing. So, I daze off and I tend to not pay attentiong to him. All I listen for is the things that he wants to know (he tells me what the answers to his questions are too, if u don't give him the answer he wants- he's pissy. =/ and the conversation last another hr or so.)

I know my situation is different than yours. However, my marriage councilor suggested that we get a dry erase board and put it on the fridgerator and have each person leave a note or something on it just saying, "I love u" or something like that.
Another thing u can do is make a topic and have eachother write alittle something about it. For example, "What is it that still attracts you to me" or "What do u like most about me?" Then each person writes a small little paragraph about the topic. Do it like once a week or however u want to. It is a really good exercize to do and it can work wonders. I know that it saved a marriage of one of my close friends.

Those are the only 2 things I can remember her telling me. I know there are more... But, I can't seem to remember. I still kinda' sleepy. Hope it hlps.

Gatalita replied: OH ya... Don't feel bad about bringing things up (good or not so good) on these forums. Everybody here is very supportive. This is the best forum I have EVER seen.

Nicole replied: Sorry your going though all this hon, I`ve been there and thank god i got DH to see that we have to come first(he`s the kind a guy that will work, work,work and i told him flat out that he has to take time off if it`s needed for our kids, his thing is i have to work to feed our kids and i said yes that`s very true but there are thing you HAVE to be here for thing`s our kids will only do once ext.) and let me tell ya after all was said and done he`s here when need be That showed me that me and the kids come first.
So hang in hon hubby will come around, he sounds like a good guy just maybe over worked.

MomToMany replied:
I KWYM Aimee. I wish I could offer you more advice. I hope you guys get it worked out soon.

Please, please keep us updated! We care so much about you and your family.

Josie83 replied: Aimee I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this way. I wish that i could give you some advice but I can't . . . I don't know what to say. I really hope that you manage to sort things out - counselling sounded like a good idea but if you don't have the time then that's a shame. |I hop everyone else's comments helped you, I'm so sorry that i can't xx

TANNER'S MOM replied: I don't know if we are getting bored? I think we are at a point we are taking each other for granted. I feel so taken for granted.

And he feels like we have added so much responisibilty to each other...Added children, school for everybody..farming now etc that he has to over acheive. Instead of turning to me, he throws himself into work and his friends.

I know for my husband we need to make an effort to find what we fell in love with. And we have to make an effort for that.

I don't know I am lost as for what to do.

coasterqueen replied: I wish I knew what to say Amy. After reading your post (I actually read it last night just hadn't responded yet) it made me think that you are giving 110% at everything...if not more. Just don't keep trying and trying...if he isn't going to give some too...KWIM? I know what you mean about the counseling..even if my DH did have the time he wouldn't want to do it because of the money issue of it.

Just keep trying to get him to communicate with you and hopefully he'll come through. Sometimes I think I could speak til the dogs come home and Ryan will NEVER ever understand but I guess we just have to try. I'm here anytime you need to vent.

Kaitlin'smom replied: wow you have gotten some great advice and I have been married 10 years now and we two go through peroids where we dont seem to be connecting, some how we work through it, right now is espically hard I am going through a depression, I have no idea why and its wear on me and him now, he feels its his fault, I dont know if thats true or not. I am just sad more than I have ever been, its somethign I need to deal with I know and its not helping us, but I know we love each other and we will get through it, its just going to take more effort on my part to figure out what is bothering me, and then talk to him about it good or bad, and work through it...sorry back on topic, I know things are ruff and talking will help weither you go to councling or not just keep talking and enjoy any time he can give you, he is a work-a-holic. I hope you can fid more time together

A&A'smommy replied: ((((BIG HUGS)))) One thing I have learned in this last year an half is that marriage is tough! And sometimes when it gets real tough I want to leave SO bad, everynight (especially after a big fight) I tell him that if he doesn't straighten up I'm going to leave (this is in my dreams now) but then when I wake up and if I'm still mad I just try and think of all the good things. I know that isn't any "real" advice I just wanted to say that I know its tough too. You are a wonderful person, great mom and wife and you deserve for him to tell you that often. Men are just so well not all men but quite a few of them are just stupid when it comes to women!! (((BIG HUGS)))