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More Coach problems….


BAC'sMom wrote: So a bunch of the Mom’s are having a Pow Wow with the manager this afternoon.

Let’s see last night the boys were restless and whiney so they were acting up in the dugout, so he shouted. “You are acting like a bunch of women”. My Mom and I were standing within 10 feet of the dugout. The coach looked up and saw that we (Mom + I) were standing there so he laughed and said, “I guess I[B] should not say that!” [/B]We both chimned in and told him “No you shouldn’t!”

When I got home my son was all down about losing the game, so I was talking to him trying to cheer him up. He told me “Mom, guess what Coach *** told us the other day?” I asked him what. He said the other day at practice there were some boys playing around / wrestling and that the Coach told them to “Cut the sh*t!”
I have made it a point to listen to the pep talks after the game. All though I would not call them pep talk when he uses terms like “they murdered you”…. “You [B]guys played like crap”…. “What the hell happen guys”? [/B]So am I being over protective or should I just blow this off?

I can’t help but wonder what else is being said when I am not around.

luvmykids replied: growl.gif So much of what he has said is absolutely inappropriate!!!

I don't have to tell you what is wrong with the comment about acting like women, he has ZERO right or respect for the kids if he his cussing them, and he is not going to SCARE them into playing better!!!!

I know so many people take sports at this age way to seriously, yes, it's fun to win, but most kids don't know that unless someone tells them that, they just think it's fun to play!

I don't know what I would tell that guy but it would be hard to be nice about it!

jcc64 replied: Well, I most certainly disagree with his choice of words, particularly in light of the fact that he is addressing a bunch of kids. But it's a little hard to respond without completely understanding the intent behind the delivery. For instance, was there perhaps a little levity or irony behind his remarks when he told them they were playing like women, or did he really mean to shame them?
The reason I ask is- I have been around team sports for many years now, both as a mom, a coach, a player, and the wife of our Little League commisioner. I have seen ALOT of inappropriate behavior- sometimes from the coaches, rarely from the kids, and often from the parents. While I wholeheartedly agree with the premise that FAR too much emphasis is placed on winning, by EVERYONE, that is an unavoidable byproduct of competition, particularly where men are concerned (sorry to stereotype- but this has generally been my experience). Having said that, and I will choose my words carefully here, I do believe sometimes we moms have a tendency to meddle in or "feminize" the interactions that occur between boys and men. As I've watched my sons grow up through the ranks of team sports, I now realize that males have a different way of relating to each other than women do, and what may appear as harsh, cutting, or degrading to us is actually a pretty normal, natural way of communicating for them. I've seen it with my teenage son and his friends- they can appear to be quite cruel with each other at times, but guys somehow bond in this strange way of teasing each other. My advice to you is, I wouldn't interfere unless it is obviously causing your son distress, and even then, I wouldn't go overboard. You can calmly state your case to the coach, and then let it go. I would avoid the temptation to micromanage his every interaction with the kids. And you may unwittingly undermine your son's self confidence in his ability to solve his own problems. If your son stays involved in baseball, he will have many different kinds of coaches- some good, some bad. Use this an opportunity to arm him with the skills necessary to get along with all different kinds of people, even if you don't totally agree with their way of doing things. It's a valuable life skill learned in a relatively low stakes setting. Good luck.

DVFlyer replied: What is it with kids' sports and adults acting like freaks? Do you have to check your maturity at the gate before you enter the field? And the coach of all people.....

Bee_Kay replied: OK... I will tread lightly on this thread as I am wish-washy on this subject.

Tyler is now 13 years old, and he's been in football since he was 9. It was VERY hard to see Tyler and the other boys get criticized harshly at times. I did talk to Tyler about it, and he just shrugged it off. He's like "Mom..... quit worrying so much about me".

Believe me! There have been quite a few instances where I was on the verge of going postal on some people!! LOL

I've heard Tylers coach yell "Tyler! what the hell are you doing?...blah blah blah". It's a hard adjustment to hear someone speaking to your child like that.

This one time, Tyler was playing offense lineman... he was up against a defensive lineman... who was like over double his size. OMG! I was almost having a heartattack. Then the play started and Tyler was on his back in a flash. I was so ready to fly out there and kick that other boys @$$ LOL!!! (He was 3 years old than all the other boys, but he failed 7th grade 3 times, so they let him play 7th grade football).

I also wanted to give their coach a piece of my mind for allowing a boy of that age to be playing with 7th graders.

But, I also know that if I step in .... it would embarrass Tyler to no end and I would never want to do that to him. I think it's a strange transition boys go through and it is very difficult for woman to understand (to not "mother" them)
Anyways, I am trying to make a point here (and not doing a very good job). Talk to your son about this and ask him how he feels.

Just tread lightly and talk to your son about it. Good luck!! I know it's hard!!

ETA: I am not condoning the coach's behavior or choice of words.... but I am just stating, as a mom of a football player, I have BTDT wink.gif

Bee_Kay replied: Hmmm, one thing I didn't take into consideration.... how old is your son?

I think Ed would be the perfect person to comment on this subject, from a mans point of view wink.gif

Bee_Kay replied: Adding another thing.

I just picked Tyler up from school (he wasn't feeling well) and I talked to him about this post.

The "you are acting like a bunch of women" and "you guys played like crap" comments and if it were him, how would he feel if I were to say something to his coach about it.

His response "MOM!... I would be so embarrassed and so mad at you!" growl.gif

(that coming from a 13 year old in sports).

I also asked him, how he would feel if his coach said something to him (or the team) that made him mad. He said "I'd probably get mad but I would use it on the field". wink.gif

So, depending on age (if he isn't too young), I would let it go.

ITA with Jeanne.

BAC'sMom replied:

Thanks Monica I knew you would understand the point I was trying to make.

Bee_Kay & jcc64

I bumped up my past posts so you ladies could get a little bit of background with my “coach” problem.

Bee_Kay replied: Jimmie....

Thank you SO MUCH for those "bumps"!! I just got done reading both of them

SO NOW..... I have a completely different opinion. Your son is ONLY 9 YEARS OLD!! It really puts it into perspective!!!

9 is so young to be getting screamed at like that. Tyler is 13 and has "toughened" up now to coach's criticism and such. But still, Tyler's coach's, over the past few years, have NEVER spoken (or screamed) to the children that harshly (but they sure do get their "talkings-to")

That being said.... I would definately bring it up somehow and get this guy to tone it down a bit. I don't know how you accomplish that.

Again, thank you for getting me to read your previous posts concerning this man. I, humbly, change my opinion blush.gif

b&bsmom replied: I don't know the whole coach problem and I am not sure how old your son is. I agree his comments were inappropite but I also agree you need to be careful. You don't want to embarass your son. If he is having an issue I would talk to someone about it. If it is getting out of hand I would talk to someone. However, my dh and I used to coach girls softball and we had different views. Guys do bond differently than girls. Dh would not like when the girls did cheers and such and I thought it was showing good team spirit. things like that. But you need to do what you feel is right. good luck!!

BAC'sMom replied: Bee_Kay Posted on Apr 21 2006, 02:09 PM



Thank you.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: It sounds to me like a case of I am BIGGER and therefore BADDER and I am gonna let you know it from an adult male who obviously did not make the cut himself. I saw you mention Navyseal (He knows that just going to the training camp doesn't count right? wink.gif ) and while that is impressive I did not see anything about a Pro-baseball career. In my experience the louder the rant the smaller the talent. laugh.gif While I understand the whole male bonding *grunt* ritual someone with the IQ of a flea could get the once bitten twice shy concept-YELLING at them to play better makes as much sense as yelling at a small kid on the team to grow. Degrading a team of boys -who lets face it at this age-all have aspirations to become Nolan Ryan -shows a lack of intelligence that would ,quite honestly,amaze me with the back round he presents himself to have. I think I would take the next opportunity you get to show him just how women can play when you mess with our kids! wink.gif And take that time to point out that since he never made it to the big leagues I believe they fire coaches of losing teams way before the fire players!!! laugh.gif

BAC'sMom replied:

Now you made my day. rolling_smile.gif
Thanks hug.gif

punkeemunkee'smom replied: wink.gif It is a petpeeve of mine...not even real sure why! Probably some buried childhood trama! blink.gif rolling_smile.gif

b&bsmom replied: Knowing now that your son is only 9 it is wrong the way the coach is acting. It is in these first few years how the kids learn to compete and have fun as well as be good sports. I agree you need to do something about this guy!!

jem0622 replied: Some coaches think they can use vulgarity and bully behavior to see kids perform better. I think it is defeatist and inappropriate. growl.gif hug.gif

BAC'sMom replied: thank you again thumb.gif

luvmykids replied: Jimmie the only thing I would add is that knowing how it was making Brand feel about himself and baseball is all you need to know to know it's over the top. When my son is old enough to play sports I hope we are lucky enough to find a coach who can instill excellence, doing your best, knowing when to step it up a notch, and also recognizing when that day just may not have been your teams day, kwim? I think a driven coach is important, but not when the kids are 9 years old and the coach only drives home how awful they played or weak they are, not that they did great and lets try this or that next time and see if its better, etc.

Not having kids involved yet may mean I have my head in the clouds but at that age I think team sports should be about a lot more than the final score. hug.gif

redchief replied:
In my 20 or so odd years of coaching I learned; that's right, learned, how to motivate kids of various ages. I also learned that I'm not an appropriate coach for very young kids and I'm best with high schoolers (which is fairly uncommon, because there's a whole different level of communication). One thing I learned is this: Kids, no matter the age, don't respond to negative comments and insults. They respond to criticism only if corrective actions are explained.

These weren't easy lessons because a team full of raucous boys, especially in the 11-13 year old range, can be a real handful. I applaud anyone who chooses to coach kids with the goal of helping them grow into their potential. I rue anyone who chooses to coach in order to relive his childhood vicariously through kids. That's my 2cents.gif

CantWait replied: growl.gif growl.gif So much about this man and that's using that word with over usage ticks me off. First off, if he going to belittle women like that in front of 9, 10 year olds etc...what message is that sending to these young minds.

Just think like this, do you use fowl language and do you swear at your children???? If not, then why should he?

This may be a sports team, but sports at any age is suppose to be about fun, and friendly competition, not winning and being the best.

I'd love to hear a man's point of view on this, hint hint, come on out ED.

jcc64 replied: Thanks for the bump- I think I may have already responded to that effect in one of your other posts to that effect. The guy sounds like a bit of a trainwreck- I'm sorry for your son. As I asked in one of your other posts- (it got buried, have to go back and see if you responded)- does your son want you to address the coach directly? As Bee Kay already said, the position of a 13 yr old is quite different from that of a 9 yr old. Mom fighting his battles would be pretty humiliating for a 13 yr old, not necessarily so for a 9 yr old- depends largely on the child. What does your son say?

redchief replied: I'd be lying if I said I never said anything that could be construed as inappropriate when I was coaching. I may have even said something like "you're acting like a bunch of women." I honestly don't recall whether I've ever said exactly that. As I said in my previous post in this thread, I learned how to coach over time, and I know that I didn't always say or do exactly the right things. I also learned to apologize and let the kids know when I was out of line.

What I'm saying is this: I'm human, and I wasn't always the mature, deep thinking male that I am today. I've had moms and dads tell me that they thought something I said or did was inappropriate. I'm not taking the coaches side here by any means. I'm saying that the measure of the man isn't whether he says something inappropriate at times; those things can and should be corrected when noted. I'm saying that we all have the capability, and in fact, the propensity, to occasionally say things that are going through our minds without entirely thinking how it's going to come out or whether someone might be offended by it. I've lit off on referees (a big no-no), other coaches, my team, others' teams... All of these things are inappropriate for children to see and hear sometimes, regardless of our intentions. I recall practices where I apologized for my behavior, and sometimes the behavior of another coach or ref... Even (HORRORS) and more commonly, I've apologized for the behavior of one or more parents.

By the time I started coaching high school lacrosse, I was a very experienced coach with a whole pack full of various communication skills. I learned some of these from others in the field, parents, and often, even the kids. I also NEVER had a problem discussing something I said or did with a parent, including apologies if necessary. Do I think everyone is capable of this kind of learning curve? No. But I think a bit of benefit of the doubt is in order, especially if the child likes the coach. High school lacrosse can be a brutal sport, but by the time I started coaching there, I'd learned that it's most often best if the coaches can leave the brutality in the game and not as part of the communication between players and other teams. I was hoping to be able to answer simply, but this isn't a simple problem. It could be the guy is a total idiot. It could also be that the guy is still learning the best way to get results and respect of everyone... and as a coach, that's what you must strive for and it's nearly impossible. Talk to him, adult to adult, without your son there. Perhaps there's something you can do to help him grow. Perhaps there's something you can do to help him so that he doesn't lose control of his temper in front of the kids (read, help with discipline so the coach can coach).

jcc64 replied: Well said, as usual, Ed. Ita.

CantWait replied:
opps Ed must have just finished posting as I was typing wacko.gif

Brias3 replied: Oh would that make me growl.gif I have zero tolerance for some of the coaches and parents at some of Ryan's sporting events. It's shocking how seriously some people take sports with such a young age group.

BAC'sMom replied:

Thanks I totally agree. thumb.gif

As I stated on earlier posts this is Not the first year that we have had to deal with this mouthy coach. My son was on this man’s team last year, and for the record I kept my mouth shut then. On the first day of practice this season as soon as my son saw who was coaching his team he said Oh no, Mom not again!

Also wanted to point out I am not the Only Parent that is upset, there are quit a few of us.

Now that being said I will update all of you. I along with a few of the parents did talk with the Manager of the team. He agreed with All of us that the comments were uncalled for. Our meeting went well I think...we were able to enlighten him on a few things that go on or that are said to the children while He (the manager) is not around. Including a few comments made about His own son. He especially did not like the fact that these children were being cussed at, and told us that he would put a stop to that immediately.
The good news is that I did notice a slight change at last game. Even better news is that for the next few weeks the “problem” coach will be out of state working so he will not be to help with practice and games. So the boys can have fun, enjoy the game and don’t have to be belittled, cut-down, and criticized!
BUT HE'LL BE BACK!

jcc64 replied: Good for you for making some progress! At least the manager seems reasonable and approachable. Fwiw, if your team belongs to either the Little League or Cal Ripkin parent organization, there are very clearly stated rules governing the conduct of coaches and parents. This info should be made available to you, and if it's not, it's all on the official websites.
I hope your son feels a little more relaxed about the whole situation, and that the guy learns how to relate to the kids in a more productive and age appropriae way.

BAC'sMom replied:

Yes my son's manager is a very nice, honest and "fair" man. Thanks for the info on rules of conduct of coaches and parents, if I have any other problems I will look into that. I am hoping the next three weeks will be relaxing and fun for the whole team.

luvmykids replied:
I hope the team makes a lot of progress without him and has a "ball" LOL


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