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Marriage is FOREVER - Do you believe that?


CAMSMOM1 wrote: You know, I'm tired of hearing my friends talk about divorce, like it's an option or an easy way out. Everytime they have a problem with their spouse, they threaten them with the "D" word.
All of my friends come to me with their problems, which I don't mind. But I'm tired of them having this type of mentality that if there's a problem, they dont' want to put the work and time into fixing the problem, they rather leave their spouse and start over.
People don't take their vows seriously. Whatever happened to "For better or For Worse?" I think people imagine that married life is this lovely dovey, romantic picnic and they're going to live happily ever after.
Marriage has it's ups and it's downs. And when your in the "down" time with your spouse, it takes effort to get back to the good. I believe divorce is any easy way out for most people, it's so acceptable in our society, and everybody's doing it!
It seems so hard to find couples that have made it to their 50th wedding anniversary. Isn't the average marriage lasts only 7 years? So by that time, you have children, and tearing apart their home.
When I was in pyschology class in college, my professor said that there is a 50% chance when you walk down the isle that you will get a divorce. So he made a joke and said, when you are getting married and walking down the isle, toss a coin in the air and that's the odds that your marriage will last. That's not very encouraging, but it's the truth.
I understand that I'm young, and haven't been around the block enough times, but I think marriage is worth fighting for! And I wish there were more role models for the younger generation, that can show them what real love is all about. The real love stands up against all the odds, works out their problems, and is in it for life.
I know that my DH and I have always said that divorce isn't an option for us, and that we will never bring it up in spite or anger. It's not a word to play with, and shouldn't even be in the back of our minds. We're looking forward to reaching our 50th anniversary someday! love2.gif I know it's going to take a lot of hard work, and we have already gone through some hard times, but everything we conquer just makes us stronger and closer. We're committed to making it work, I just wish we had friends that thought the same way.

Ann

Insanemomof3 replied: I do believe that marriage is forever. The problem is though, some problems just can't be fixed very easily. I got married right out of high school. My husband was 5 years older than me and had just graduated college. I was WAY too young at that time to even begin to THINK about being married. But I did it anyway, I was so blind at that time. About a month after marrying him, I was pregnant with my daughter.

Things went downhill from there. He believes that I am still his 'true' wife, even after we have both remarried/divorced. (I am currently living with and in a relationship with my 2nd Hubby who I am also divorced from and have two beautiful boys with....LONG story).

My ex does kinda want me back.....life is very confusing. Marriage is even more confusing. Sometimes I wish that we could just procreate and keep love/men out of it.

Sorry for the rambling. I am really confused right now and this post just seemed to jump at me while I was thinking about the events in my life lately.

kit_kats_mom replied: In our home, divorce is not an option. Our roles have fluctuated, and things have changed dramatically during these first 4 years of marriage. Quitting is not even a possibility though.

My DH was married previously and he did leave her. But only after exhausting all possiblities. She was manic depressive (which she didn't share before they were married) and my DH was willing to work with her to get though it. He tried getting her to go to counseling (he was going) and he really tried to make it work. After a full year of her doing nothing (including showering daily) but taking & being unwilling to put forth any effort to save the marriage, he finally called it quits seeing that it was a losing proposition & that she was bringing him down to her level. It was really devistating to him though.

He is such a supportive, loyal, strong individual, I'd seriously have to screw up for him to leave me. As for me, I know I've got a wonderful man. He's a great dad & husband and my mother seriously told me that if I screw it up & we ever get divorced that they are keeping him & I will have to go find a new family. LOL That's how much everyone loves him. wub.gif

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: In principle/theory I agree. But in practice, I am not too sure. I agree that all too often divorce is an easy out. But, when one person is giving and trying and working and the other is taking and making no effort, well, where's the fairness in that. My husband, yes we are still married, had a affair that started 2 months after our wedding and went on for over a year. I never had a clue, because I trusted him. We are still together, but things are really rough right now and he really has said some truly hurtful things and is completely uninterested in counselling or even talking some days. How long am I expected to live like this? Just rhetorical.

kit_kats_mom replied: Well, I guess I should add that it is not an option barring anything really crazy like abuse or repeated, ongoing affairs. wink.gif

aspenblue1 replied: I feel unless it is something like abuse, affair ect that I will not get divorced. We have been together 12 years now so I don't see that happening.

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
ITA

I'm not sure what I would do in one of those instances, but I think I'd still try really hard to work it out before even considering leaving him. My dh and I are both committed to our marriage even if we someday lose our connection and "spark" (I'm hoping that won't happen though wub.gif). In only 3 years of marriage I think we've already passed some points where a lot of people would have given up already.

My sister, on the other hand, is divorced and remarried, and she tried for eight years to make it work even though he was cheating on her (with many different women) an alcoholic, and losing the money - that she made because he couldn't hold a job - gambling. I'm glad she's not with him anymore and now she has a great guy that takes great care of her and her 3 kids from her first marriage.

We don't even jokingly say the word divorce here - even joking about it puts the idea that it's a possibility somewhere in the back of your mind and for us it's just not a possibility.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
I've always told my hubby that if he ever hit me, he'd better hit me hard enough for me to stay down, because if I get up, watch out.

And, 3 strikes you're out. He striked one a few months after we started dating... we were both drunk, in a bar, and well... things happened between him and another girl. I'm still bitter about it.

Strike 2 came when we had just moved into our house, from living with the inlaws for a few months... Zach was about 2 months old at the time - I found an email from him to a girl, with his private parts in a web cam pic. It was dated from when I was about 5 months pregnant... I took it very hard, because dh and I had not been intimate for a long time - his choice, not mine.

So - strike 3 is impending. And he knows it. Were it to come - I would not even think twice about leaving him... he's had 2 chances already.

Other than that - as peeved as we get towards each opther - we usually work it out.

5littleladies replied:
I agree.

Divorce is not an option in our house. Like Sara said-We don't even say the word in jest. I believe that marriage is forever. I once saw a wedding when the couple said "For as long as we shall live together" for their wedding vows. I was apalled! Is this what our society is coming to? Marriage should be a serious commitment-Why even bother if you are leaving an option in your mind to get out?

Jason and I have our "down" times, when things aren't going so great and I seriously wonder what planet he is from rolleyes.gif , but I know that we can always work through it. We WILL always work through it. And it isn't always fun, but that's ok.

I understand the need when there is adultery or abuse. No one should have to live like that. But I believe that is the only time it is acceptable. JMO

CAMSMOM1 replied: Hello Ladies, thank you for encouraging me that there are still people that hold their mairriage sacrid and are willing to stay committed, even when the going gets tough!

When I wrote my statement about MARRIAGE IS FOREVER, I was talking about normal disagreements and working those through.

My DH and I have gone through a lot in our 8 yrs being together, and 3 yrs married. Some of which I know my friends would've left him for..and I've done some things that were pretty bad. But I do understand when you say you would leave if he was abusing you. I think there are exceptions to every rule. No woman should stay in a marriage that she is being beaten, or her children. I know if my DH even laid a hand on our son, we would seperate and he would need to get help before things could work out. But I know that would never happen.

I grew up in a home where my father was a raging alcoholic. He also had over 20 affairs on my mother over a long period of time. My sister caught my Dad cheating on my Mom at our house....called my Mom, and he was out the door. He eventually came back to live with us, and after 2 years of trying to make it work with counseling,etc, they divorced. In my parents case, I would agree with my Mom's decision of leaving him. Even though he had hurt her badly, and us, she still gave it time to work out. My father never quit drinking or having affairs. So it was time for her to go. (Now, my father has been sober for 8 years, and has gotten his life together, Thank God!)

If my DH had an affair, I would still try to make it work. I would want him to be willing to put in the time, work and counseling. If he wouldn't do that and wasn't changing I would leave. But only after I know that I have done ALL that I could do to say the mariage.

I'm sorry to hear Kelly, about your DH. If you need someone to talk to please PM me.

Thanks again ladies for the encouragement, I was starting to think I was the only one that still believed marriage was forever. I hope to hear other comments on this, I think it helps us all when things get rocky.

Ann

C&K*s Mommie replied: I always said (while we were in engagement for a yr) that I would never let "D" enter my mind, once we were married. That went out the door, shortly after our marriage began, and I was PG, all varieties of problems began to swirl around us, & I let "D" come to mind. Since then he has made many bad choices & mistakes, I have forgiven. Most recently we were at a standstill in our marriage, when I finally asked him to leave our home, for reasons that I will leave out. He was only gone for an hour or so. But when he came back things were stronger lovebirds.gif and had more life to it, since we were on the edge of throwing it all overboard. But again, I let divorce come to mind, or even a separation from marriage for a time. But we are committed to making this crazy thing work.

Not many other people can handle me, nuts.gif I am sure. With each passing day we make it we are grateful to have the other in our life. I know that he was made for me, there is not doubt about it. We are in it to stay. We also know that divorce is not something to take lightly, and make rash decisions on. Whatever it takes, for however long it takes, we will do it. We both came from divorced homes, the only difference is, is that my parents are the best of best friends & his are not. Chris does not want to be like his mother and biological father, they have not seen each other face to face for many, many years. Regretablly, his biological father and his new wife (aka Granddad & Grammy) have never been invited to thier grandchildrens' birthday parties. bawling.gif Just so that old bones will not be dug up, Chris and his brother have just left well enough alone. For the sake of everyone.

Like you said CAMSMOM1, , Marriage IS forever, but so is the love it is built on. wub.gif wub.gif

A&A'smommy replied: ITA the only time I think it would be neccessary to divorce would be if there was abuse and if that person wasn't going to make an effort not to be that way anymore!
Jeremiah and I decided before we got married that the "d" word would NEVER be alloud in our house we are to NEVER play with the word or use it in an argument. I have to admit though I have found it on the tip of my tongue but I stopped myself before I said it. My parents told us that no matter what that we should ALWAYS try to work through our problems no matter how horrible they are. They also told us this after explaining that they have been through some really bad times including cheating in their marriage (early on) and they worked through it and made their marriage last! They have given me LOTS of hope for my marriage after seeing how much they love each other 35 years later wub.gif

I hope for all of you who are going through marriage troubles that you can sort through them, if not my heart goes out to you and I hope things get will get better for you!! hug.gif hug.gif

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: You all may have noticed that I never refer to Aaron as my DH. Now you know why, if I did it would be D for D*#@

C&K*s Mommie replied: never noticed, Kelly. But I see your point! blush.gif

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Sorry I didn't read what everyone else wrote, but ITA with the original post!! The "D" word is forbidden in our marriage. We absolutely never use it during a fight. I think I said it once and my DH said "why would you even say that?". My vows are certainly sacred to me and I expect us both to love each other through thick and thin. My parents have been married for over 35 years, so I believe in marriage to the end.

I don't judge anyone who chooses to divorce. Everything has it's reason - of course abuse and adultry are good reasons! And some people just aren't meant to be together and so I think it's fine, my in-laws are divorced and they certainly are opposites, but I agree that divorce is used as an "easy" out way too often these days. Look how it's used in Hollywood!!

A&A'smommy replied:
ITA I definitly do NOT judge people who get divorced!! And about the hollywood thing I wonder why those people even get married in the first place!!

mom2tripp replied:
dito.gif ITA, the D word isn't used around here, my vows are very sacred and unless he starts abusing me or cheats his stuck with me rolling_smile.gif

jacobsmama replied: I think when you get married it should be forever for better or worse like you vow but no person should have to compromise there safety or wellbeing. JMO wink.gif

SOUTHERN MOMMY replied: I fully intended for my marrige to be forever however when he layed down with another woman it was over. So many people have crtized me for leaving but, until you walk in my shoes you will not understand. I suspose one day my children will ask why and i just hope and pray that i find the right words. My main reason was to protect them from the heart break later. JMO that they learn from us and what he did to US is not what i want them to be when they grow up. Not to mention the STD's i could have got.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Okay... I DO NOT think DIVORCE is an EASY out. There is nothing easy about it. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. Some thing so effected my children and myself that I couldn't bear it almost. I would lay in bed and not even be able to fuction on some days. My Justin was 1 and I would have to send him to his Dad for his every other weekend..and Lord my heart was broke. There is nothing easy ..and it sure isn't an easy way out of anything. Emotionally, Finacially NOTHING is easy in Divorce.

There were many reasons I divorced. He was abusive and I took it for along time for my babies and I did love him. I married him when I was a baby and a year later we had Brittany..it was hard.

But I am married now. My marriage is not perfect..we have had good and bad. Right now the good is out weighing the bad. We have both been married before and in a way that helps us. We know how to work things out now and talk. Most of the time. Marriage is hard work. Being a step parent is hard work. When people think it is easy is when they get the rude awakening.

As far as the spark.. we still have it. And I love that. But we have to work on that too. It doesn't just happen. We have to make time for each other..and make each other feel special!

No D here again I hope and pray. Cause it isn't easy

amymom replied:
I think that is the key thing to say. First off NOONE should stay in any marriage if they could be harmed. No abuse!

But Yes I agree that some people these days think that a divorce is an easy way out, and they may take it, but they find out that that isn't any easier.

My DH and I have been married 20 years this past May and every day we recommit ourselves to the marriage. But there are two of us that do that, it takes real committment and real work. But we do take those vows seriously.

luvbug00 replied: Marriage for me is until he cheats or abuses me or my children. I don't see anything about it easy and I personally couldn't deal with having a spouse who cheated because i'm insecure enough and that would send my jelousness and stress to the edge and my child would suffer and to me it's not worth it.

Boys r us replied: Marriage to me is also forever..unless of course there were one of 4 factors...cheating, emotional, physical or verbal abuse. We've been together for 6 years and I can say that I have not even 1 ounce of doubt in him as far as cheating, I trust in completely. As for the abuse part of it, unless he gets a really bad head injury in some random accident and wakes up from a coma a different man, I NEVER have to worry about that!! He would never hurt me or the kids..ever!

MyLuvBugs replied:
ITA. My daddy raised me to be a fighter, and tought me how to defend myself. So, when DH and I started dating, I flat out told him. LOOK Cheat on me and you better watchout for my family, HIT me and you'd better run b/c I have a shovel and I know how to use a gun boy. smile.gif lol Luckily he's not the type to...well, lets face it...he doesn't really have a temper at all. lol

As for staying married forever, yes I believe in it. My grandparents have been together for 60+ years now. For better or worse, my DH is my best friend, and I can't imagine life without him no matter how angry I am at him.

I also believe that once you bring up divorce, your marriage is downhill from there. Mainly b/c once you say it to the other person, you can't really take it back. It's always going to be that black cloud hanging over your marriage, and how can you be really happy if you have that? unsure.gif I know marriage is hard, but if you're going to be a lazy blankity blank and not work at the marriage then you don't deserve to be married. JMO!! laugh.gif

camneely8 replied: I think theoretically and in a perfect world marriages SHOULD be forever. And I DO think people use divorce as an easy excuse sometimes when they dont want to work hard enough. But I believe the reality of marriage is different. Sometimes 2 people who are very nice people, just should not be in a relationship together. Many times it takes a while to find that incompatibility. Sometimes people just live their lives like that, other times people think life is too short to live like that and move on. One shouldnt just settle for the person you married because you believe the institution should be a permanent one. Ive been with my woman for 10 years and I hope it lasts forever, but Id never say it will last forever cause you just dont know.

redchief replied: I'm married 22 years. I've never regretted a moment in all of those years. We've travelled some rough roads and every day brings new challenges and obstacles that we have to overcome, but we've learned to tackle those together. When I took those vows all those years ago I gave a solemn promise to my mate and my God that I was no longer just I anymore. I had become us, forever. Our family is an extension of that promise and only serves to bind us closer.

CantWait replied: As much as I would like to believe in that myself..I sometimes think that people just grow and grow apart. You learn to like different things, and sometimes your life just doesn't fit with eachothers the way one would like it to, so to answer your question, I believe it is forever, but I don't believe it's a sin if it's not.

CAMSMOM1 replied:

Can'tWait: I understand what you meant by what you wrote in the above quote. I think every person changes during their marriage as the mature and grow older. And it's an everyday choice to come together with your spouse, and reconnect. My DH and I have different likes, and hobbies, but that's ok. We just find other things to connect with and do together. And I believe that the key factor of making a marriage work is communication. It's easy to grow apart, especially how fast paced life is with the jobs, kids, money, etc. And it can be a struggle to keep the love alive, that's why it takes 2 people to come together and make it work.

I think everyone has made some good points, and it has really inspired me to keep on going!

Keep the posts coming!

Ann

Mom2BNTN replied: I would like to say that I do believe that Marriage should last forever, however it doesn't always work out that way. My dad is a Baptist minister so I was raised up in church and in a good christian family. WE never believed in divorce and felt it was wrong in God's eyes. However, my family stood by me and supported me in taking the necessary steps in getting a divorce from my first husband when he left me saying he couldn't handle living with a sick wife anymore. My ex called me 6 weeks after I had surgery to have a brain tumor removed just to let me know he had left me and had taken everything we had!! I was devastated! I couldn't believe that this was the same man who had stood before me, my family and most of all God and said "For better or worse" on the day we got married and decided I was not worth it. The only reason I chose to file for the divorce myself was because he knew I would never cheat on him as long as we were still legally married and he made the comment of how he wanted me to suffer and not have a life of my own and he was going to do whatever he wanted, see whoever he wanted and sleep with whoever he wanted. He was right! I would still live as though I was married since I had taken the vows I made seriously even though he wasn't true to them or me anymore just because of my christian beliefs. I did beg and plead for him to take me back because I didn't want to be the first person in my family to get a divorce, but he just wouldn't even talk to me about it. So I really didn't have a choice IMO. I hope everyone understands why I had to get this divorce.

Now, I am married to the love of my life and we are expecting our first little bundle of joy in March. We couldn't be happier!! biggrin.gif We have always said that no matter how rough the road may get that divorce will not be an option for us. We are in this "until death do us part." Which is just how God intended it to be!

Kristi

Kaitlin'smom replied: To me yes marriage is FOREVER, how ever there are certain reasons for divorce. DH and I talked about this in great lenght before we got married and I told him I only plan on doing this once, he agreed. Sure marriage can be hard but if your BOTH committed it can and will work. I find new things that makes me fall in love over and over. We dont use the 'd' word its no joke. We both have a very deep love and bond, I have always told him its gonna take alot to break us up. I am saddend however by the 'hollywood's 'eays look of divorce. It makes marriage look like hay try it if you dont like it then get divorced. VERY sad. In cases where they have been married less than a year (asside form abused, adultry) councling should be part of the divorce/dissalousionment requirement. This whole 'I was married a week just to see what it was like' makes me sad and angry. I have been married for 11 years, I look foward to many more years of happy times, and sure well will still have ruff patches, becoming parents have giving us more chalenges, and for the most part I LOVE all of it. He is my best friend, boyfriend, husband, and lover love2.gif I love him more now then when we married.

kimberley replied: i believe marriage should be forever too. it takes a lot of hard work, sacrifice and patience but i believe if BOTH parties are committed, it will work out. i think people give up to easy and like everything else nowadays, marriage is seen as a disposable commodity. sad imo.

ilovemybaby replied: I believe marriage is forever. The only thing warranting a divorce would be adultery or abuse. While saying that however, if Paul cheated on me I wouldn't go out and get divorce papers straight away. I would talk to him about it and ask him if he wanted to be with me or not. Then if he said "yes" then we would both see a Marriage Counsellor together and him seperately. Abuse is different. There are also different levels IMO. If he hit me on the arm I would not divorce him. If he beat me then yes. If he abused our child yes. I won't put up with abuse. But just hitting me on the arm IMO doesn't warrant a divorce.
I mean, your kids hit you (well, not all do but some do) and kids hit other kids and their siblings.
Love is unconditional and forgiving. No one is perfect.

ilovemybaby replied:
ITA If you like different things that's fine. But if you've been together for 10 years and then decide you aren't right for each other then surely you knew that 10 years ago. If you can live with someone for 10 years then you must get along.
My MIL to be (as of Saturday) was married to my FIL for 30 years (after having two kids) and then up and decided she wasn't happy. Well, she must have known that at least 28 years ago. Why leave it that long?
My parents have been married for 27 years and have had their fair share of problems but they are still together. My father has hit my mother (like on the arm nothing major) and he has had an affair and she forgave him and gave him another chance. As I said before, love is unconditional. You love your kids unconditionally. No matter what they do.

luvmykids replied: ITA that marriage is work, committment, sacrifice and divorce is all too common. However, in the absence of abuse and adultery there can still be flat out misery and it can suck the life out of you, especially if one person IS committed and putting in the work and the other isn't. My grandparents have been married 70+ years and who knows what they've weathered; my parents divorced and both have remarried. There was no abuse or adultery but they made each other miserable and tried so hard for my sake but it just would never have worked. I'm so grateful they divorced and were able to give me good examples of marriage, just not with each other.

In our short marriage we've weatherd a lot in a short amount of time and are still hanging in there. Am I sure we'll be together in 50 years? No. Am I going to try like hell to be together in 50 years? Yes.

Brias3 replied:
That pretty much sums up everything I was going to say right there. Totally hits the nail on the head, Monica.

No guarantees in this lifetime but one thing is for sure between my husband and I- when we made the committment to marry, we meant it and we'd both sacrifice everything to maintain what we have. After all, the bad stuff sometimes really only serves to wake you up to the good things you were missing out on. Do I believe in divorce? Sure I do, in certain circumstances. My mother is now remarried to the man I have always regarded as my dad and I can't imagine to think what our life would have been had she not chosen that path. For my husband and I, certain qualities that existed in her marriage just aren't there. We have passion, committment, fear, doubt and trust all rolled into one and I truly believe its the scope of all that together that makes it all the more workable.

Mommy2Isabella replied: Being the second wife to Sal. I must say, I am happy that with his first wive things didn't work out. Though, I was nervous that with the first sign of trouble he would run. Though with his first marriage, that is NOT AT ALL WHAT happend. BUT .. I know we are going to have hard times and we both made that commitment when we got married. There was no running from the situation. If he tries to kill me however, IM RUNNING!

I am 19 and my friends and many people at the wedding were saying I was too young. We have eliminated those people from our surroundings for that same reason. Sal and I were talking about it the other day and the divorce rate is up to %53 now ... THAT IS CRAZY!

Though, I choose not to dicuss the arguments we have with anyone other than Sal and maybe the people on here, for the reason, we have some many people out there rooting against us so why talk to them, is what I say!

So, I am right there with you on being annoyed at the people who throw around the "D" word!

NEWMOM05 replied: My first husband didn't beat me, but abused me any every other way possible. I was only married for 9 months, but that was too long for me. He withdrew all affection just 3months into our marriage. He said that everyone would always be put ahead of me. When I left, he said that he never was attracted to me. That hurt so bad. I still cry to think about how he ripped my self esteem to shreds. Thank goodness for family and friends. bawling.gif bawling.gif bawling.gif

I am married to my Eternal Companion, Curtis. We believe marriage is forever. wub.gif We have been married for only alittle over two years, but he treats me like a woman. He tells me how Beautiful I am everyday. I am so happy to have found him on the internet (a singles site) of all places. We have already had our share of trials and each one brings us closer together. My parents will celebrate 28 yrs in May. Curtis and I look forward to that day. Marriage isn't easy, but the work you put into it is worth it.

Living here in Sin City we sure see the sacredness of marriage go down the tubes, a perfect example drive thru wedding chapels dry.gif


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