Marcus lost his cool with Jenna

mummy2girls wrote: It shocked the heck out of me because i never pegged him to do that to Jenna being he spoils her in hopes she likes him.

We went to Walmart last night and it was pretty windy and cold when we were walking back to the car! Marcus was at the cart and i was unlocking the doors to get jenna in. While i was doign that Jenna started to cry because she was cold. Marcus says... just hold on jenna mommy is opening the door. Then she started to wail. So he got flustered. he had his mcdonalds in his one hand and quickly grabbed Jenna out and im trying to tell him calm down and put her mcdonalds down first because your goign to spill. and he ignored me. he started to put jenna in teh car and as i was putting the bags in the trunk i could hear him just yelling at her while he was putting herin and buckling her up. and then she was crying because she wanted her pop opened and he yelled so loud that it not only scared me but jenna as well. I told him to not yell because it will only make the situation worse. He felt so bad allthe way home. I kept apologizing to me for yelling at jenna and still feels bad.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Oh Shelly.... yikes. Maybe he was having a bad day... most of us yell at our kids at one time or another... but you should make it clear to him one way or another that unless he is stepping in as a permanent step-daddy, he is not to discipline your child by yelling...

There is no excuse for anyone who is NOT the child's parents to yell at the child.

Set your boundaries now...

Of course, obviously, with the exception of "no!" or "stop!" when it's somthing dangerous like running into the road or touching fire...

luvmykids replied: I remember the first time my step dad yelled at me, my mom and I were both in shock. Our jaws were literally on the floor. He got easily flustered when I acted like a kid instead of a little angel doll LOL, and he had to learn how to deal with it. In the end it worked out fine, my mom strongly felt that he needed to be able to discipline me in constructive ways so they worked together on it.

I'm sure you and Jenna both were stunned but try not to be too hard on him, try to just tell him that yelling isn't how you handle it but that you do want him to be able to deal with Jenna when needed. I know you guys aren't married yet but if there is a future in the works it does need to be dealt with in a way that works for everybody.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Who hasn't lost their cool with a whiny kiddo? Hopefully he'll try to keep it in control next time. Hope things are still good.

mummy2girls replied:
i know Rocky.... he may have been having a bad day but the whole situation shocked teh heck out of me. it was so not like him at all! But yes im goign to have a talk with him when he comes on Friday about this whole thing. I want him to help when it comes to discipline because if he is goign to be a big part of her life i want her to know he is a father figure that will say no to her and do consequences and not someone she can run to when i say no. and yelling i do not approve is a part of it. yes us parents do yell because i have snapped before but the way he did it scared me and if it scared can you imagine what a 4 year old was thinking. I agree yelling if she runs for the street is one thing but out of sheer frustrastion is wrong!

mummy2girls replied:
oh i agree! thats why a needed talking to is needed.

mummy2girls replied:
yes i agree but the way he yelled and how loud he did it scared me so i cant imagine how scared Jenna was... i know you can lose your cool with a whiney child because i hjave but the sheer loudness of his voice and how he yelled was so uncalled for.

sparkys2boys replied: I am sure they he feels awful about the whole thing and will try not to do it again. Talk to him and be honest with your expectations and how you feel disipline should be.

luvbug00 replied: well i am sure you have your own way to handle this situations and your own expectations of marcus. but If it were me he would have been gone in a heartbeat. I dare Lars to yell at my child. i don't care what kind of role Lars plans to take on but he is NOT allowed to disapline my child PERIOD. I have made that perfectly clear to him. father figure or not he is not her dad therfore his extent of disipline is going to be VERY limited.

Kaitlin'smom replied:
that should prove to be interesting

moped replied:
So if Lars was Mya's step dad in the future - would he not be able to discipline???

skinkybaby replied:
To say the least

Boys r us replied: Ditto MyBrownEyedBoy!

I agree it is shocking when someone else yells at your child. But here is my advice shelly and it may not come across as nice, but I don't intend for it to sound mean either...but it's really simple advice..

If you don't like the way someone else handles your child, don't put them in a situation to take care of them! He's not a parent, he doesn't have a child..therefore he's not equipped to understand how to deal with a small child in a situation where he becomes flustered. That takes time even for someone who IS a dad to learn! In my opinion if you want to be in complete control of how Jenna is disciplined, then you should be the one taking care of her and putting her int he car...not leaving marcus to deal with a whiny child, escpecially after you saw he was getting irritated, you shoudl have intervened right then and there before it escalated even further.

luvbug00 replied: That's right. Lars is not going to be allowed to disipline in many fashions because he is not her father. he can tell her to get off the chair if she's gonna fall over but he will not be allowed to yell at her or put her in time out or ground her or spank her. That is MY job. I am not dealing with the whole "you can't do anything your not my father" stunt that she might try and pull in the next 7-10 years and even now for that matter. Now if she was 1 or 2 when we met then he would be able to because she wouldn't know him as anything but her father.

skinkybaby replied: Interesting.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: It's probably just an isolated incedent. He's not used to being around children and lets face it we've all lost out cool once and a while.

moped replied: I do understand what you are saying, but that leaves Lars fairly powerless to say the least

mummy2girls replied:
well i agree to an extent.. But the statement about lars not discipling. If he is goign to be a father role to her if you guys end up married he needs to be able to do non-physical discipline because them Mya will think she can ealk all over him and what ever he says she doesnt have to listen to! It may be a non-positive situation for all. Marcus can discipline if he becomes a father figure in jennas life...like timeouts, priveledges taken away and telling her no if need be...

mummy2girls replied:
I know and i agree. i guess the whole situation happened really fast and i knew i should of intervened but that was bad on my part as a mom:( but i see what you mean!

A&A'smommy replied: that would have scared me too, I hope your talk with him goes well!!

Our Lil' Family replied:
But do you realize that's exactly what you are doing by not letting him discipline? She will know that he is not allowed to discipline so she will throw it in his face every time she does something wrong. Just think about it.

hopefulmomtobe replied:

Wow - my husband and I work together on disipline and it seems to work out great, he has stepped out of line a couple of times but in front of the kids I always back him up...then we go to our room and discuss it, sometimes we butt heads, but we never do that infront of the kids. I think you both should use the same form of disipline, if not, the step-child will walk all over the step-parent because kids know. So, I would encourage couples to work together on having a plan because you two are suppose to be on the same team. The step-parent cant feel like an outcast on disipling the child, just doesnt work. JMO.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I agree bc Mya will walk all over him at some point and if you have another child with him its ok for him to disapline your child together and not Mya?
The reason why I ask is this I know a family of this situation actually a few of them and it causes trouble with the children bc they play on it and the parents
also Tuff situation there bc always one child gets away with something and the others get in trouble

Edited to add
If he is watching her and she mouths him off is he just to take it?
Please dont tell me you will handle it when you get home bc at that point why bother
Maybe if you feel that way about your views maybe you should just be alone
and I'm not saying that to hurt you but he has to play a role in her life as well with the good and bad you know what I mean?

mummy2girls replied: The thing i wont allow Marcus is do is yell like he did last night. I am having a talk that if he is frustrated to walk away from the situation take a breathe and then deal with it. Because jenna is smart she knows whos buttons she can push and whos she cant. And i want marcus to be able to get respect from jenna liek she does to me and i want her to realize that yes marcus is not her dad but he still plays an important role in her life so she needs to listen to him. And I want marucs to know he can tell her no and give timeouts if need be and that if she gets boundaries from him as well she will respect him and no not to pull crap on him. Plus if me and marcus has kids i want jenna to see that all kids will get the same respect and same boundaries and discipline from both parents so no one feels like they are not as important or loved by the other. i dont want marcus's child to see him/her get discipline but Jenna can walk all over marcus.. not a good situation. I seen it happen and i refuse to let it happen to us!

amynicole21 replied: I don't know - I sort of agree with Nadia to a point. My mother tried to discipline Sophia once and I was NOT having it. Not her job, and I don't want her having any part of it. Now, I know that's a bit different than a step-parent, but I can totally see where she's coming from.

As for Marcus, I think it was probably an isolated incident. I'm sure when you guys talk about it, he will most likely agree that it was out of line. It's hard not to snap though sometimes - whether it's your kid or not!

luvbug00 replied: I live with my parents. They do not disapline Mya. They are not allowed to but she doesn't walk all over them. she respects them. I taught her to respect them and their home, the same way i will teach her to respect lars and his home when we move in there someday. If anything i see mya telling her siblings to not disrespect their father as opposed to feeling left out on the disaplining fun. I'm sure one day she may mouth off to him and he will simply have to handle it. which in his eyes is to tell her that he is dissapointed she choses to behave that way because Mya responds to that. He and i have discussed this at lenth and we agree on this method. if it works for us then great and doesn't work for others then others have a choise to do what is best for them.

sorry shelly your post got semi hijacked.

mummy2girls replied:
its ok

skinkybaby replied: So when other people are watching her they're not allowed to discipline her if she acts up?

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I think the important thing to remember here is that kids go out of whack if there is no consistency in the discipline... it's the behaviour that needs to be corrected, not the child that needs to be punished. If the child knows that mouthing off = time out... then does it really matter who puts her in time out? I don't think so...

I get irritated if someone disciplines my child, but only if i'm there. If I've left my child in someone's care...then they know my discipline methods and they use those. Period. The behaviour that is unacceptable with me, is unnacceptable elsewhere too... and I tryt to encourage the kids to realize that different rules apply to different places sometimes...

it's a tough call to make

Calimama replied:
I totally agree!

Cece00 replied:
Exactly.

Cece00 replied:
Agreed.

My husband isnt my two older boys father, and we have kids together, and my older boys dad is in their life. But my husband is still allowed to discipline my kids. He isnt allowed to physically discipline, ever, but he is allowed to punish or put in time out or scold if its needed.

I, mean, what is a stepparent supposed to do when the kid is acting up when the parent isnt there and the child NEEDS to be disciplined. I can just see it now "Stop that! OK, you wont? Well....um...well....you just WAIT til your mother(father) gets home!"

I kind of also think its disrespectful to the spouse that a person would expect them to step into a parent role, and not be able to parent the child.

I mean thats JMO, and everything, but that just wouldnt work for me.

lisar replied: I agree maybe he was just having a bad day. I hope it dont happen again.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Okay.. I am going to say this.. I am a firm believer in following your gut.. if you were SCARED.. then be careful. I know we all loose it and we all yell..but we are in a position of constant parenting.. which he is not. It's not that hard to deal with a whiny child every now and then, but what about when it's all day long.

And on the step parenting.. disciplining.. If my spouse didn't trust me to discipline his child who was in my care fairly and correctly, the he wouldn't be my spouse. I am not saying we haven't fought about it.. but not in front of the kids. I think if you love this person enought to make them apart of your family, and you say we are now a whole unit then you have to be a whole unit. You can't say okay.. you can help put a roof over this child's head but in no way send her to time out. It doesn't work that way. I know from experience.

MommyToAshley replied: I guess I am in the minority here. I think this is a red flag and would be concerned. I think people to tend to show "their best side" when they are first dating and I would be concerned that this is a sign of the real person. It could be just his inexperience in dealing with children, but no one deserves to be treated that way ... child or adult. I can not imagine yelling at one of my friends' kids or anyone else's kid, even when I was not a parent yet.

I would definitely let him know your expectations for discipline and be on the lookout for a pattern. In that situation, you were there and were in the situation where you could have disciplined if need be. But, what happens when you are not there?

MommyToAshley replied:
Ditto! I guess we were typing at the same time Mel. You said it best!

luvmykids replied:
I have to say, from the point of view of a step parent, we tried the thing with me not disciplining her. Big fat joke is what it was. Yes, she was respectful to a degree about it but it's hard when you are asking a child to set the table and they say "In a minute" and all you can do about it is say you're disappointed. Maybe it will work for you and Lars, Nadia, I'm just saying never say never. Blending families is very difficult and I'm sure you guys are capable of it, but sometimes it means rethinking some things.

kimberley replied: living the step parent situation.. Shelly, if you are not comfortable.. stop it now. Have a one-on-one with Marcus and tell him what your parenting style is, find out what his is and find a happy middle. if he can't live up to that.. move on.. kids are the one who hurt the most in the long run. Jenna gets enough BS from her father, she doesn't need it from someone else too. sorry if that is harsh, but it is about the kids.. not us and many people don't see that.

My2Beauties replied: As a step-parent myself I have to agree with Mel. Desiree is with me a lot of times when Brian isn't around and if he didn't allow me to discipline her then how would that be fair to me? She'd be allowed to back talk me and basically walk all over me. Desiree is a good kid and I've really never had to ask her to do something more than once and I've never had to yell at her or take things away, etc...but if it came down to it, you best believe Brian would allow me to do it and her mom would stand behind me 100%. If I leave my child in the anyone's care I expect them to discipline her the way I have asked them to do. Shelly you're right about the yelling, if it was so bad that it scared you then you need to talk it over with him. But, a reminder or a warning or something to that effect I can totally see. I don't expect my mom, my MIL or my sitter to have to put up with Hanna being allowed to walk all over them.

redchief replied: I've yelled, but not often. I scare people when I yell, and I'm not just talking about kids, so I try very, very hard to keep my voice and tone in control. But to say I've never yelled would be a lie. Shelly, I think your plan is the right one. Sit down with Marcus and discuss his reaction. This seems very out of character for him as you've described him until now. He has to know that the kids shouldn't be victims of a bad day, though. One bad day for us passed on to the kids can have long lasting effects. It also may be, as was suggested before, that he was simply ill-equipped to handle a cranky Jenna. This was out of sorts for her too. Perhaps you could talk about what actions to take if a similar scene were to repeat. It's amazing how ingrained such a conversation can become into behavior. That's how I got to the point of hardly ever raising my voice.

I definitely agree that any person who would enter into a relationship as a step-father or father figure must have a disciplinary role. That role should be fair and clear. To do otherwise is a recipe for family disaster.

Nina J replied: