Is it just me??
MyLuvBugs wrote: Ok, so every year Dh and I make a Christmas list for his parents and our parents, so that they know what we actually need/want. Especially stuff for the girls. KWIM?
Well, last year we couldn't afford a lot of stuff (much the same as this year), so we only got Lorelei 2 gifts and each other 1 gift. Which we thought would be great b/c that will teach her that Christmas isn't all about the gifts. KWIM? Well, Dh's family.... UGH.....sent 4 LARGE boxes fulllllllll of gifts up here. 90% of which were for Lorelei. Talk about making the parents feel cheap and crappy.
So, this year we told both my parents and Dh's parents that this year we would like to LIMIT the amount of gifts to only 2 per couple. So my MIL and FIL are one couple and can only buy 2 gifts for Lorelei and 2 for Lexi. And we explained why.....
Well, my MIL got offended and said that She and my SIL were already done with their Christmas shopping anyway. (We hadn't even sent them a list of stuff that we need or that the girls like yet)
So, here are my questions.....Is it just me? I mean are DH and I being unreasonable about this, or are my in-laws being kinda self-centered and snotty?
And How the H*** do they know what we need or what the girls like?? THEY DON'T!! They've only seen Lexi ONCE and have only seen Lorelei 2 times in the last 6 months b/c they REFUSE to come and visit us so long as we live in Nebraska. So, how the H*** do they know what to get us for Christmas anyway?? They haven't even asked us what we need for the girls or anything.
So, now we're going to end up with a TON of stuff (yet again), and since they have no idea what we need....it will probably all be stuff that we can't use....just more "stuff" to sit around. KWIM? UGH!
Am I being stupid about this? Is it just me, or does this seem like they are just being selfish and not thinking about others feelings?
~Roo'sMama~ replied: That would really irritate me too. They should be able to understand why you want to limit how much they get and respect what you want. If I were you I'd probably just pick a couple gifts for each of them out of what they send and sell the rest on ebay or give it to charity.
kit_kats_mom replied: I'd just let sleeping dogs (or in laws) lie. Open the boxes when the girls are asleep and donate the majority of it to charity...since they don't visit, they will never know. I'd do that but my in laws send dirty used junk so I have to drop it off at the salvation army.
MyLuvBugs replied: Yeah, that's what we'll probably end up doing (selling the stuff on ebay). Lord knows we could use the money more than the stuff anyway, so ebay will probably love us after christmas. I just wish it didn't have to be that way, ya know. I guess I just dont' understand why what we said is so unreasonable to them.
mom2my2cuties replied: Or you could take and give them a couple at Christmas, and then bring 1-2 gifts out each month so that way they have "surprises" through out the year AND you don't have the added expense of buying them new toys each time they want.
coasterqueen replied: IMO, they should be able to buy the girls whatever they want, not what you think they need. The joy of being a grandparent is to go out and go shopping for their grandchildren and buying what they think they'd like, not you. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but that's what I think. Christmas isn't about someone buying you want you think you need, it's about much more.
Our families ask for lists for the girls, but a lot of times they don't go off the list. I do ask that if they get something off the list to let me know because we use the same list to buy for the girls ourselves. That way we (Santa) don't get the same thing as something they might have gotten.
As far as limiting the gifts, I think that's fine. We asked our families to do that and they weren't mad at all. The girls were getting WAY too much and they hardly play with toys as it is, so it wasn't an issue to buy less.
DillsMommy replied: Thats a good idea. Could you maybe save some for birthdays or something? Or maybe save some and sell some. I know how it is to have toy overload!
MyLuvBugs replied: Well, Lorelei's b-day is 2 weeks before Christmas, so she gets a ton of stuff then already. That's a whole other issue And DH and I dont' buy the girls toys. They have enough toys around here that they don't play with. We usually only buy them clothes, which we could do with the gifts I suppose. Just have to find the space.....
CantWait replied: ITA!!!
mom2my2cuties replied: What if you took some of the older toys and gave them away and gave the girls the new toys.
Like give away 2-3 toys for each one you give them.
MyLuvBugs replied: Well, you are entitled to your opinion, but I completely disagree. Buying useless toys that the girls don't like when they NEED clothes and food seems completely dumb IMO.
Yes they can buy what they want, but should they buy stuff that girls NEED and actually like instead of stuff that THEY would like for themselves?? For instance, My MIL is obsessed with Mickey Mouse, so she thinks that Lorelei needs to be obsessed with him too, and Lorelei could care less about mickey mouse. Same with my SIL, she LOVES Eeyore and Strawberry shortcake, so everything she gets for Lorelei and Lexi must be related to those two characters. Well, Lorelei is just now showing some interest in Eeyore, but she could care less about strawberry shortcake.
The in-laws also have a tendency to purchase gifts that are too advanced for the girls ages. Like they'll buy clothes that are 4 sizes too large, or toys that are for 6-7 year olds instead of a 2 year old. KWIM? It's like they just want to buy stuff that they like or would want instead of stuff that the girls would like. So, then as the parent I'm stuck with all these toys that just sit around and collect dust b/c Lorelei doesn't like them (therefore they get sold on ebay which seems like a waste for the in-laws money but whatever ). The clothes I don't mind so much, but I do have to put them in storage until they will fit which takes up space as well.
All in all it just seems completely inconsiderate of them towards us as parents and towards the girls. JMO.
C&K*s Mommie replied: Alot of good ideas & points were made already, so I will not restate any of it. But you could have a toy overhaul in the coming months, getting rid of things that are not being played with to make room for the new things.
MyLuvBugs replied: Yeah we do that every year. In fact I just did that yesterday. Probably why this is on my mind a lot today. We made a bag of toys and clothes to give to goodwill and another box to sell on ebay. Now she has 4 small bins of toys here in the living room and the stuffed animals in her room. It all fits and seems reasonable in amount for right now. We'll see how long it lasts. LOL
C&K*s Mommie replied: I like to buy clothes that are big too, especially if it is at a good sales price. Christian is just now fitting into things purchased when she was a baby, because they were so big until now.
Anyhow, if your IL's insist on buying big against your wishes, and you need to conserve the space, then have you looked into space bags, or the giant Ziploc storage bags for toys/clothes (not sure of the actual name)? They are supposed to save space by compressing everything. Just a thought.
coasterqueen replied: I won't comment on the rest, but I wanted to on this because this happens to us quite often. Well actually so does the toy bit too, but you know my stance on that.
Anyways, my mother or her friend will see an outfit that they completely adore and buy it. They know it doesn't fit the girls yet, but they saw it and HAD to get it. I don't mind because when I see the smiles on my mothers face when she tells me how she found this cute outfit, I know it made her happy to do it. Yes, it's annoying to store those clothes, believe me, but if it brings my mother joy, I'll let her have it.
I remember when she bought Kylie a pair of sandals that clearly looked like they were more for a boy. She just HAD to get them and thought they would be the cutest things ever on her. She was all smiles about it. I brought Kylie over in them once but it was months later because it took that long for her to fit into them.
It might just be that they pictured one of the girls looking very cute in the outfit, even if it's months from the time they bought it. At least they cared enough to buy it right? Kylie and Megan have family that don't even acknowledge their existance, so I'm happy when the family they do have show interest in them like that.
MyLuvBugs replied: That's a good idea....right now everything is in rubbermaid bins and they take up the entire closet I'll have to see how much they cost, and maybe buy a couple.
And I don't mind the larger sizes in clothes too much, but I have a 12 year old sized t-shirt hanging in the closet that Lorelei got for her first birthday last year. It seems a bit much don't ya think? Especially when she needs 3T clothes right now, and only has 4 outfits in that size.
MyBrownEyedBoy replied: I kind of know how you feel. Aaron and I asked our parents last year at Christmas to get Logan some winter clothes. Well, Aaron's mom listened and picked out some very cute stuff, but his dad and stepmom went overboard with toys. And not just any toys, loud obnoxious toys. They did better this year for Logan's birthday. I try to just give them sizes he needs and let them have fun looking. Logan got tons of sports/Colts stuff, not what I'd choose, but Aaron liked it and Logan doesn't care what he wears. Anyway, my mom and dad kind of do their own thing, which is fine by me. They usually pic CDs or DVDs or cute clothes. Stuff that he needs or stuff that at least doesn't take up a ton of space. I kind of agree with Karen though. It is a grandparent's priveledge to be able to buy frivolous stuff. My in-laws send goofy things all the time for no reason. Logan just got a package of rubber ducks. No reason, just because. You aren't going to be able to change their minds. Take what you like, sell the rest and use the proceeds to buy what you/they need.
C&K*s Mommie replied: see that would be at the nearest Goodwill or Waterfront, ASAP! A 12 yr old size is simply too far ahead in sizes, a 5/6 size would not be too bad, but a 12yr old size?! (see I do not even know what size they wear, since I have no business being in that department) What were they thinking?!
C&K*s Mommie replied: Oh and for Chris' family, clothes are bought for the birthdays, and toys are purchased at Christmastime.
MyLuvBugs replied: Ha! My mom does the same thing. LOL She works at Target and is always buying the girls whatever is on sale that she finds "simply adorable" But then if I mention something that they need right away, she goes over board Last week I made the mistake of mentioning that Lorelei needed new socks.....she now has 22 pairs!! But at least I didn't have to buy them I guess
MyLuvBugs replied: Yeah That's what I said!! but you see it's and Arizona State University t-shirt, so our daughters "have to" have that stuff according them the in-laws. Screw my alumni's Whatever! I don't mind the ASU stuff, but look at the flippin' size for crying out loud! DH won't let me give it away b/c it's ASU, so it's stuck in the closet UGH.
coasterqueen replied: True. We don't have anyone that will go right out and do that. They expect that if the girls need something we'd get it. It would be nice to have someone to do that.
C&K*s Mommie replied: that is a good attitude to have.
Boo&BugsMom replied: I'd have to agree with Karen. As much as I think my parents spoil my child, I know they wont always be around to spoil him (and baby on the way) and want to cherrish those moments while we have them. They've more or less earned that right by raising me, especially as a teenager.
As far as lists, usually everyone asks what Tanner wants and what we want, but if he nor us don't get anything on those lists, I'm still appreciative for the thoughts put into whatever we get. Tanner's grandma got him a t-shirt for Christmas last year that still doesn't fit him now. But, I am still grateful for the thoughts and just keep it in his closet until he can wear it. When it comes to Christmas, I don't expect anyone to buy Tanner something he needs, because that is what his parents are for. If they do, then that's cool, but truthfully, I'm just happy to have my family around more than worrying about getting presents.
kimberley replied: you are not being stupid about it.. i have had the same issues. i would politely tell her that you appreciate her generosity but you are teaching your girls the true meaning of christmas and any gifts over and above what you stipulated will be gifted to a children's charity. see how she likes them apples
stella6979 replied: I understand Grandparents wanting to spoil their Grandchildren, but they also have to respect the parents wishes. Not only do you not need the stuff they're sending, but you're trying to teach your girls that Christmas isn't about how many gifts you get. Since you need the money, I would definately sell most of it, but if you really do want to teach your girls the meaning of Christmas I would let them each pick out one new toy and have THEM donate it to Toys for Tots or something like that. My SIL has been having my nephew do that since he was about 3 or so and 3 years later he gets more excited about shopping for his donation gift than anything else.
gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with Karen on both
Cece00 replied: Do they ASK for this list or do you just give it to them?
IMO, its rude to give lists without being asked first. Its also rude to request certain presents UNLESS they ask. I dont know your situation but last yr my MIL bugged DH & I for like...a month before Christmas about this PARTICULAR present she wanted. It was a clock. The first time she did it, I was slightly annoyed (we had NOT asked what she wanted...) and then every time she did it thereafter it annoyed me even more. She even went so far as to SHOW ME A PICTURE in a catalog one day & give me the catalog "just in case..." (the present was from Bombay). Anyway, it was an expensive present, and I was so annoyed that she kept on and on and on that we purposefully did not get it for her. We got her a gift card to another nice store...she acted OK about it but I always wonder how much it bothered her, and hoped she would get the point.
I dont know, I just think if ppl are giving you presents, its better to just say "thank you" and be grateful that people care enough to give presents, without getting angry that they did not follow a list. I can also see what you are saying, about it being better for them to give gifts that are more appropriate, but sometimes you just cant count on ppl for that.
ANYWAY- if the clothes are too big, or you have too many toys....do you know where they come from? You can always return for store credit, well, at most places. For example, if the toys are sold @ Walmart, WM will accept them back with no receipt & issue a store credit...then you can use the credit for whatever. If the clothes are from somewhere, perhaps you can return for store credit and get clothes in sizes that you NEED.
Or, you can always sell them on ebay.
mom2my2cuties replied: I do this to my husband because he goes INSANE thinking I wont like what he gets me.
You had some great ideas Abbie - About exchanging them. I do that ALL the time
amynicole21 replied: My mother does the same thing! I ask her not to send much, and she says "oh, no. I don't have money to send much anyway." Then a HUGE box full of crap shows up on our doorstep. I swear, she spends THOUSANDS on us and the kids. Why? This is how she shows her love I guess.
Boo&BugsMom replied: I had to do that with an outfit Tanner got for his b-day this year. He got a duplicate of it after I went out and got him the same one earlier that week, and he had already worn it. So, I just went to the store to exchange it. No biggie. It was at least nice of the person who gave it to him. I just smiled, said thank you, and then returned it without the person knowing. Now when Tanner wears it she just thinks she got it for him, oh well.
MyLuvBugs replied:
With gifts that come from my parents, my mom is a FIRM believer in gift receipts, so we always get give reciepts and if stuff isnt' to our liking or doesn't fit we exchange it. However, the in-laws........not so much believers in the gift receipt thing, and with all the travel that my MIL does Lord only knows where she's purchased the items. So, with no receipt and no clue as to where the items have been purchased we can't do exchanges usually.
coasterqueen replied: I'm sorry Erika you didn't like the responses you got. You asked for opinions, therefore that is what you got.
Crystalina replied: If you are very set about what you want then I would do what Kimberly said...
Just be honest with what will happen to the gifts and I'm sure they will not want to buy excessivly if they knew the outcome.
Good Luck.
Maddie&EthansMom replied: That's what I was thinking.
CantWait replied: I wonder when people will learn that if you ask for opinions you're going to get them. That's all that everyone did was give you what you asked for, and I didn't see anyone be mean or unjust in what they said.
~Roo'sMama~ replied: I can kind of understand Erika's frustration here. I know that when we ask for opinions we should expect to get them whether we like it or not, but it did seem as though a few people misunderstood what she was saying in her original post, and having someone think you're being rude or ungrateful when you're not is frustrating. JMO
Maddie&EthansMom replied: I understand now. She was probably just trying to clarify herself and explain herself better. Thanks Sara
Sorry, Erika. My MIL used to get us all kinds of crap, too. While we were on our honeymoon she came into our apt and decorated it. I know she meant well, but it wasn't my taste. I was very irritated by that. I'm not used to controlling people. And my mother still buys my kids holiday junk...stuffed animals and other junk (it's plain junk is what it is) No matter how many times I tell her not to, she still does it. They just got a box of Halloween stuff in the mail on Saturday.
Sorry to take off with my own vent. I do sort of understand what you are going thru.
MyLuvBugs replied: EXACTLY!! Thank you Sara!
I did ask for opinions, but NOT to be criticized or judged for my beliefs or practices. I was clarifying myself b/c I really dont' appreciate being called RUDE or Ungrateful.
You all are entitled to your opinions, and it should be ok if I dont' agree with them. Although most of the time it doesn't feel like it is ok to have a differing opinion on here. I will always try to clarify myself when it seems you've misunderstood what I've stated, and I will defend myself when I feel that I'm being personally attacked. If the comments weren't ment to be personal attacks then fine, but that's how they came across to me.
I do appreciate all the advice. Thanks!
hawkshoe replied: I could be off base, but it seems to me that there is an underlying problem here. I think you are more upset that the grandparents aren't more involved with your kids on a regular basis and then overload them at Christmas. Putting that issue asside, I would take Christmas for what it is worth. Christmas is a time of year where people like to give gifts. It is about getting things you might not otherwise get, often things that are frivilous or unncessary. I understand you wanting to limit your childrens gifts and you have the right to do so. However, you cannot control what others will do so you have two options, one is to get upset, the other is to accept it and deal with it. I would opt for the second. When the package arrives from the grandparents, open it without the children around. Go through and pick out the things you want them to have immediately and give them to them. Put the others away for another time, like to use for valentines day, their birthdays, a good report card, a special day, anything you deam appropriate. Let the kids decide if they like the item, do not be the final judge. You may be influencing them more than you realize. If they don't care for the item, then donate it or give it to someone who you know will enjoy it.
coasterqueen replied: Well I'm not sure if you are talking about me as far as having a differing opinion or not.
This is what you asked:
I never called you stupid, ungrateful or rude. I just plainly said that it's their right and they should be able to buy whatever they want whether it's on your list or not. It's their money, they have the right to decide what to do with it. My parents ask for a list, but rarely ever buy what's on it. Not sure why they ask, but I have trouble coming up with things anyways because we usually buy what we need or what the kids need. I let my parents and family buy what the kids want or what they think they want.
Again, you asked if you were being stupid, plain and simple. So if someone came back to you and said "yes, you are" then you really can't get upset, because that is what you asked. Although, no one called you stupid. I have this feeling you were really looking for "yes, they are being selfish". I'm sorry not everyone agrees with that.
MyLuvBugs replied: It wasn't ment for you Karen, although it does seem lately like you have a issue with me and my postings. If you'd read the other posts you see who it was ment for. NO, no one called me stupid except myself, and you are the only one bringing up that word back up. However, someone DID make it seem like they were calling me rude and ungrateful. Go back and READ the other posts.
I know that not every one is going to agree with my opinion and I'm not asking them too!!!! I did ask for opinions and advice, and I'm happy with most of what was posted. However, when another member is being Pissy and making me feel like a crappy person, saying I'm RUDE and I should be thankful for the in-laws, it gets a little frustrating and hurtful! But maybe the personal attack rules just don't apply when people are treating me that way?!?! Or maybe members on here aren't allowed to clarfy their posts when clearly others have misunderstood them??
coasterqueen replied: Actually I do not have a problem with your posts at all. I'm sorry if I come off that way. If you could pm me what posts you are talking about I will look into it and see why my behaviour makes you think that way. It was not my intention whatsoever.
I only replied with this last post to be sure that you were not addressing me because I wanted to make it clear what I was offering, which was an opinion that you had asked for.
As for the attacks you are mentioning in this post I will look at the thread more closely. I did not see any when I first read it, or did not take them as attacks, but I'm also busy at work when I'm there and with my kids when I'm home so I could have missed something. Again, I will look into it.
holley79 replied: I have no clue what I would do. I am just letting the IL's and my parents do whatever. Annika doesn't know any different at this point. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you in this matter.
amynicole21 replied: I think you may be mis-reading the tone of the post you are angry about. It's easy to do when all you can see are the words on the screen. I think the post was more in response to you asking if we thought the ILs were being "selfish" for not getting you exactly what you needed, but getting you what they wanted to get you. I think the word "rude" may be what's ticking you off (which I can understand), but it didn't appear to me that you were being attacked personally. I hope you're not too angry.
Hillbilly Housewife replied: I also don't see an attack. I see why the word "rude" might have been irritating... but i don't think it was meant to be.
I don't think it's really rude to give a list of likes/dislikes.. most people appreciate them anyways. My MIL always asks fr a specific items list... and always ends up buying NOTHING on it. That's rude!!! (jk)
Maddie&EthansMom replied: Really, I think everyone that disagreed was just trying to say that the in-laws weren't doing it on purpose and that they mean well. Maybe it's their way to make up for their absence. Have you thought about asking them? In-laws just do things differently than what we are normally used to. Who knows why they went against your wishes, but if you haven't talked to them about it already, then I would mention it.
MommyToAshley replied: I agree... I think it is easy to misread the tone of a post on the board. I think it is just a difference in how you were raised and your family traditions... with your in-laws it may be tradition to pass out lists, but others may not have the same tradition and therefore it may seem a bit forward to ask for a specific gift. (In your original post, you did not state that a list was requested or it was a tradition). I think the replies posted were honest opinions about etiquette of gift giving -- which is what I got out of your original post is what you were asking about.
MommyToAshley replied: This was my first thought as well. Maybe because I can relate to that... but on my Mom's side. I could care less what my Mom gets Ashley for her birthday or Christmas, but I would love for her to take an interest in Ashley. She's never been to a single socccer game, recital, or Christmas play that Ashley has been in. Oh.. .I take that back, she did come to her dance recital, but only because my neices were also in it. She's only been to our house see Ashley a handful of times. (And she lives 20 minutes away) Sorry to turn this into my rant, but I just wanted to say that I can relate. And, it bothers me so much that I find "little" things to get upset with my parents about, when deep down I know this is the real issue.
Heather77 replied: I don't think you are being unreasonable at all .... you are teaching your child that's gifts aren't everything, AND you are the parents... so what you say, should go! I completely understand your frustration... we've been in a similar situation. I'm not defending your inlaws, but I can sorta of see where they are coming from. As grandparents, they want to spoil their grandchild and I'm sure they have a lot of fun doing it. NOT that it means they should completely disreguard your wishes, b/c they definately should not. That would irritate me too!
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