I wasn't going to post about this, but - I'm feeling really weak (Adams in jail)

MyBabeMaddie wrote: This is going to get VERY LONG and may have some bad words, so I apologize in advance.


Okay so a little background info here, Ever since the incident at Madison's daycare she hasn't been going, however, they said they would give me a week to change my mind and hold her spot. Because Adam has been layed off he has been watching her at home and I've been looking for a new place as much as possible but it seems like everywhere has a waiting list. I called her old daycare friday afternoon to say I would be taking her back (just for like 2 weeks until this other place opened up) but they already filled her spot (WTH!? right?) So... Adam heard me on the phone talking to this daycare lady and he starts FLIPPIN' out in the background - droppin' the F-bomb about how I'm so stupid for letting this happen... Once I got off the phone with the lady I told him that I was leaving for a Doctor's appt (I thought I had a UTI) He told me that he refused to watch Maddie while I went to pee in a cup (I'd be gone 15 minutes because my MD is literally up the street) He said Madison was soo bad that day he couldn't take watching her anymore (Meanwhile he was sitting on my computer playing online poker). Anyways I didn't take her with me... its too much of a hassel to get her in the carseat especially when its like 90* outside just to take her out 2 minutes later and hold her while I pee in a cup, I don't think I was being rediculous by not wanting to take her. Well... I get back and Adam then tells me that he is going to take a nap, so he goes in the bedroom to lay down. I was sitting in the doorway holding Madison because she was crawling towards Adam when we started arguing. I was just explaining to him that I have 4 huge tests this week in school, the apartment is a mess and its my birthday weekend he could have at least vacuumed. That's when he started flippin' out again, he told me to leave that he was done with me and was screaming at the top of his lungs right up in my face, Poor Maddie was scared to death because she was right there with her dad in my face screaming and swearing at me... I agreed to leave but I needed to get in the bedroom for a couple of things and he tried smashing me in the door (while I'm holding Madison). He said "PUT HER DOWN SO I CAN BEAT YOUR @SS!" I was really upset at this point and walked into the kitchen to give Maddie a bottle hoping that would settle her down. I put her on the floor in her room and walked back over to our bedroom to grab my stuff again and thats when Adam grabbed my and threw me on the bed, punched me and had me pinned down and said "You don't know how easily I could kill you right now" I was able to get up at this point I think I kicked him in the b@lls... I grabbed Maddie again and he came flying after me and started grabbing Madison out of my arms, he was literally pulling her by her arms and legs trying to get her out of my arms, she was sooo scared. He let go for a minute and thats when I grabbed my car keys and started for the front door, while I was running through the kitchen he grabbed a glass and threw it at me, hit me in the back, just a few inches below Madison's head...... I slammed the door behind me, had just enough time to get Maddie in her carseat but not enough time to shut my car door behind me... Adam was standing in between the door so I couldn't push him out of the way to shut the car door. Thats when he spit in my face and started pinching me and pulling me out of the car. At this point a neighbor saw/heard what was going on and came up with her cell phone and told me to call the police. I said that I just wanted to go to my moms house I didn't want the police involved - I just wanted to leave - Adam was like "No call the cops they aren't going to let you take my daughter from me" so after he said that I was like fine I called 9-1-1 and talked to the neighbor first, she told them that he was pinching, pulling, spitting at me, and trying to hit me so they slapped some hand cuffs on him and took him down to the county jail.

I went to my Mom's house and my dad came over and my dad and I drove down to Night Court (friday night after this ordeal) and I filed for an emergency PFA (restraining order) It expired this morning so I went back down to the Family Division court to file for an extension for my PFA and also to file for child support. My parents have talked to Adam's parents and neither of them are willing to bail him out. His sister however, talked to him on the phone today and called and left me a message about how sorry he is and that he wants to make it up to me to please let him call me. The entire reason I got this extended PFA today is so that Adam can not call me to tell me he's sorry because I know right now that I'm not strong enough to be like "leave me alone". I told him sister that I didn't want to hear it at all and to please not call me for awhile. Now I have to go to his hearing this thursday and decide whether or not i want to continue to press charges. He was charge for simple assault and harrassment, his bail is at $5000 or some percent of that.

I am soo torn, I don't want to be with him ever again but I don't know how to do this on my own. I'm sooo lost right now.

Mommy2Isabella replied:

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have been in an abusive relationship before, though the abuser is not my childs father which I am sure makes the ordeal that much harder.

I pray that you find wisdom to figure this all out and the strenght to deal with all of this. You are welcome to move down here to SC ... We would love to have you! Plus I do in home care, I could watch Maddie for you < Just dreaming

Mommyof3 replied: I feel for you. I can't imagine how you're struggling right now with all of this. All I can say is do what's best for you and Maddie. With that whole daycare thing going on and this on top of it, you two have been through a lot recently. You both will be in my prayers...

MyBabeMaddie replied:
Thanks Jess, I would LOVE to get the hell outta here right now even more than ever!!!

If transferring schools was possible right now I would be in SC in a heartbeat

MyBabeMaddie replied:
Ahh I don't know what I'm going to do about daycare, my mom is taking the rest of the week off of work to watch Maddie, I feel so bad though because she can't afford to take 4 days off of work.... Plus I have finals in 2 weeks, 4 tests this week NO daycare for next week.... Plus Adams court hearing on thursday, plus if i choose to renew my PFA (it expires one week today) I have to go back to court on Monday and start the whole custody/child support process... Its going to be a very very very stressful summer

Calimama replied: NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. It sounds like he has a real problem that needs serious help. Don't let anyone tell you, that you can't do it alone. That is a horrible situation to be in WITHOUT a child, having a baby just makes it that much worse. I would leave and never look back. Good for you for standing up for herself, calling the police, and filing a restraining order. Not very many women get that far. That should prove to you that you ARE very much capable of doing what you need to do for you and Maddie. I'm so sorry that you are in this position, and I wish there was something we could all do to help.

Danalana replied: Sarah, you need to continue to press charges. I know it's hard, but think about Maddie. I hope he wouldn't purposefully hurt her, but what about an accident? What if he is SO angry that he hurts her in the process? PLEASE don't give into him.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Before you ever consider going back to him, make sure he gets the help he needs. He's abusive in more ways than one. When he's not abusing you, he's abusing drugs and alcohol. He's one messed up individual and he needs help. You have to understand that it has nothing to do with you, but by you being there it is only enabling him. He really does need help. And you and Maddie need to move on. You have a bright future ahead of you and I admire you for continuing on with school and getting your degree in the midst of all of this. You are so strong. I'm glad that neighbor was there to intervene, otherwise I'm almost certain you wouldn't have called. Now that the call has been made and he is behind bars...please, please do all you can to keep him out of your life. I would hate to see him mess up yours and Maddie's future.

I'm sorry he beat on you. You certainly did nothing to deserve it.

Crystalina replied: I'm so sorry this happend to you. I would continue with the charges. I grew up with my mom dealing with stuff like this and I wished everytime that she would do something to stop it. If you don't he will think you are weak and do it again. Even if you are weak don't let him know it. Show him that you are not taking that crap and neither is your daughter. My sister is in dealing with an abusive relationship right now. Hers is more mental and controlling then abusive but it's very very close to it. I tell her all the time that she has a daughter and she has to let her daughter see a strong mother so she will know how to deal with these things when she gets older. That goes with Maddie as well. Don't let her see a mother who goes back and puts up with that. I know you said you were done but some guys are smooth talkers. Even if she sees you struggling at least she will know that you stood up for what was right and let no man put his hands on you. She will remember that.

msoulz replied: I'm with Crystal and Dana. Your baby needs to be protected as well as you.

I wish you peace.

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
I agree. Both of you could have been really hurt - the fact that he was hitting you is bad enough but he was putting Maddie in danger too. I know that it must be scary to face being a single mom, but you need to get out of that situation for both of your sakes.

Twelve Volt Man replied: I've seen this scenario hundreds of times. I will tell you from experience, it won't get any better. I hate to be blunt, but he is a scumbag. He might not kill you (although, that's certainly a possibility), but he WILL continue to beat you. If you do like most victims of domestic violence, and drop the charges and eventually go back to him, he will continue to beat you in front of your daughter. She will grow up thinking this is normal, and will find a man who treats her the same way. You are at a real crossroad right now. For the sake of your daughter (and yourself), I hope you make the right decision. You are a beautiful young lady, and obviously love your daughter. He has proven that he is not capable of being a good mate or father. I hope you realize that, don't fall for his worthless apology, and find something better in life. Good luck.

A&A'smommy replied: Oh honey I'm SOOO sorry you are going through this.. Stay strong sweetie and i'm sending LOTS and LOTS of P&PT'S your way!!!

Miranda1127 replied: i am so sorry. take care

Cece00 replied: You NEED to press charges on him. He assaulted you, AND your daughter (pulling on her...)

You need to press charges because

a) he is dangerous, and he will hurt you again if he gets the chance

and

B- if you press charges (and you need to ask them to press charges for him putting his hands on your DAUGHTER and for throwing a glass that almost hit her...) against him for you as well as for Madison, they will limit his visitation, possibly give him only supervised visitation.


I truly believe he may hurt your child, and he has hurt you now. He is a dangerous criminal.

MyBabeMaddie replied: Thinking back I just remembered one time when he was changing her diaper on the floor, she was really little like 2 months maybe, she didnt have a diaper on and when I just walked past her room I saw his head in between her legs... I freaked out it looked like he was performing oral sex on her, After I took a double take I ran into her room and he says that he was just "kissing her bum because it is so cute" I don't have proof because of the angle and which I saw the ordeal but it really looked like he was doing that to her, should i bring that up too?

Crystalina replied:
Exactly! In my last post I mentioned my sister being in an abusive relationship and that is because my mom stayed with my stepdad (my sis's dad) and she was raised around that. I married and moved out so I knew better then that but my little sister has only had abusive relationships from the very begining. When she does find a nice guy she gets rid of him for some creep. It's a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped before it trickles down to Maddie. If he can be civil with you and really wants to show he's sorry let him show it from a distance.

My opinion.

Crystalina replied:
Yes!


Do not let her near him agian!

Let me edit to add that if you truly think he would do something like that you do need to say something and he does need help.

Danalana replied: Sarah. OMG. I don't even know what to say. Definitely bring it up and never let him near her again...at least not unsupervised. I was abused right under my mother's nose, for a long time. Honestly, I was very bitter toward her for years. Luckily, Maddie was very young and probably wouldn't ever remember it. Don't give him the chance to do anything else.

MoonMama replied:
My thoughts exactly.

Sarah, I am so sorry you and Maddie are going through this. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to or anything. I'm sending many thoughts and prayers your way. And YES I would bring up EVERYTHING!

redchief replied: I've nothing to add the others haven't said except that I too have seen similar situations turn out very badly. He will try to erode your dignity until you have none left. You have a right to a secure, peaceful existence with your dignity intact. If he did touch your daughter inappropriately, then he's already started trying to steal her dignity too. Please avail yourself of every protection and legal gain you can. I pray for your peace and for strength for you to do what you must.

I'm so sorry, Sarah.

CantWait replied:

My3LilMonkeys replied:

gr33n3y3z replied:
he couldnt have said it better bc I've seen it also

kit_kats_mom replied: I have not read the other responses so forgive me if I'm redundant. I'm going to tell you my story. If you have any questions, just ask.

I was in a similar relationship when I was younger. No kids (thank God) but a very passionite relationship with a man who had a drinking and drug problem. It started with smacking, jealousy, hair pulling and pinching. I didn't leave. It progressed to humiliating me in front of our friends and more painful abuse. I didn't leave. The man even shoved me in his car one night as I was leaving a restaraunt, drove me (Drunk out of his mind) to the sink holes outside of town, threated to shoot me and leave me there during the whole drive and finally just kicked me out on the side of the highway at 2am in the middle of nowhere. None of my friends liked him, my family hated the person I'd become while I'd been with him. My self confidence was shattered and I had begun to belive the things he'd said to me...that I was stupid and nothing without him. One night, he followed me to my car (I was being nice and had offered him a ride home since he was wasted), took my keys and proceeded to lock me in the car and beat the ever living hell out of me. Then he threw my keys into the grass and left me there.
I walked back to the club, covered in blood, broken nose, fractured cheek bone and jaw. The bouncers knew me, knew he'd done it, and took me to the hospital where I finally pressed charges. He was in Jail within 3 hours.

Everyone knew I was too weak to not go back to him so my family and friends interveined. They got me an apartment in a town about two hours away. My best friend spoke to my professors, explained the situation and I was able to do the rest of my assignments via email then come to town to take my finals all at once by proctor. I found a job and slowly, very slowly, found the self that had been beaten out of me by him.

I was able to return to my hometown within two years as a much stronger version of myself. I didn't even recognize the woman who'd left town two years before. It was disgusting what I'd let him do to me. The old me, never would have tolerated that. It was the slow buildup of abuse that got me.

You can get out. The woman saying "I can't" is not you. It is the pitiful shell of a woman that is still inside, She's just buried by abuse.

Leave him in Jail, talk to your professors, go someplace safe...far enough away so that you don't have the option to cave into your weak moments and see him. Raise your daughter in a healthy home and come back to your home town when you are stronger and the veil of "passion" has lifted. He doesn't love you and you know it. He loves the drama, the power.

I have seen my ex a few times around town and now I just find him repulsive and pitiful. He's really just a sad excuse for a human and it's not my job to try and fix his sorry butt.

You can do it. You have to do it. It's your responsibility as a parent. I vividly remember sitting in my high chair when I was two. My mom and dad were fighting (now, after talking to my mom, I found out it was the day we left him). He was throwing things and a record went sailing over my head like a frisbee and crashed into the wall above my head, denting the wall and shattering. No one should have memories from their childhood like that. Do not do that to Maddie. If you stay, you will be teaching her that that's the way to be treated and you are sentencing her to the same life you have. Run away.

stella6979 replied:
I absolutely agree, and if you choose not to press charges, it's only condoning his behavior. He threatened to kill you and that's not something to take so lightly.

lovemy2 replied:
Take it from the cop that KNOWS how these situations end up first hand...Please Please Sara don't go back - continue to move forward with your life and Maddie's for your own safety and hers. She needs you and needs you to provide her with a stable and loving enviornment. Get to your local Department of Social Services and get as much help as you can - there has to be alot of it out there for someone like you - single mom going to school - if you need to move to a safe house with Maddie until you can get on your feet. Call the local YWCA - you can usually get very good daycare there very cheap....I beg of you to make the right decision for you and your baby. You are too beautiful and smart to be treated this way. I PROMISE you will look back in a couple years and never believe you ever let him treat you that way

lovemy2 replied:
You have an absolute obligation to protect your daughter - you MUST follow through with the restraining order and charges and make sure you put it ALL on the table to protect that little girl...you would never forgive yourself if something were to happen to her...

lisar replied: I am so sorry you and Maddie had to go thru that. Leave him and never look back. Thats my advice.

PrairieMom replied: OMG. I am so scared for you. I have never been in your situation, so I can't offer any advice. Just that I think you are doing the right thing. I'll be saying some "stay strong" prayers for you. Poor Maddie deserves a healthy home, and a happy and healthy mom.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Get out now.

TheOaf66 replied:
totally agree with TVM (so wise you are) let his a$$ rot in jail, keep the restraining order and press charges. Keep yourself and your daughter away from that and fine someone who will appreciate you and treat you the way you should be treated. If there is one thing I can't stand it is a guy who beats is woman and to make it worse in front of your daughter, I wish I could have been there to beat on him for awhile and give him some of his own medicine.

Boo&BugsMom replied: I've already said this in the past, and I'll say it again...GET OUT and leave him. There are ways to be able to support yourself on your own, you can do it. The deadbeat idiot isn't working now anyways so in a sense you are raising two children alone...so just get rid of the older one!!! Before when I said to leave him, he wasn't even this bad. So, if you do not listen and stay longer, how much worse is it going to get until your next thread you start about him? It is scary, but why would you want to put Maddie in that environment. I don't mean to sound rude, but if you stay you are not putting Maddie first. By staying you are only putting her in an environment that will eventually ruin her. You are better than that. LEAVE his sorry ass!

jcc64 replied: Oh, hon, I'm so sorry about all of this. I know you feel completely overwhelmed and lost, and that's totally understandable. But there are lots of ways out of this, once you make the commitment to yourself and your dd to see it through. First, you need to remember that there are people around you that want to help and protect you, and you need to rely on their strength until you become stronger yourself. Everyone's had an hour of need at some point in their lives, and the people that truly love you want to help, so- let them. Second, there are many resouces available for people in your situation, and trust me, there are ALOT of people that have been right where you are. Call your county dept of social services or mental health- they will be able to direct you to people and places that can help you with all sorts of practical things- daycare, assistance, living arrangements, legal advice, etc. Another resource, if you are so inclined, would be your church. Probably the school you attend as well- definitely let your professors know what's going on in your life. They will cut you some slack, I am sure.
Like Cary said so well, there is a way out, once you believe in your heart that you and your baby deserve so much more out of life. He may be sorry, until the next time something sets him off. Don't spend the rest of your life on pins and needles- it's no way to live. The evidence is in front of you, has been for some time, now it's time to take the next step towards a better life. Big big hugs, hon. We're right here for you.

gr33n3y3z replied: I would like to add one more thing an its very important

I sat in on many court cases where the wife left the husband and went back and put the child in danger again and again and CPS took the child away from the mother its very sad to see that happen but they are looking out for the children.

Danalana replied: When I was 4, i had a step-father. I didn't know he was abusive...well, let me clarify...I don't remember most of the time they were married. One night, I was putting on my clothes after my bath, and I heard a thud. I ran into the licing room to find my mother lying in the floor. He had kicked her in the stomach and dropped her. She got me and we ran to the bedroom. We went to her parent's house and I think we got an apartment after that. We never went back. Don't let Maddie grow up with memories like that, or a huge lack of memory because of trauma. I know you don't want that to happen to her, but I have a feeling you might not always be able to see the whole picture. Even if you didn't have a baby, YOU deserve to be treated with love and respect.

jem0622 replied: Oh honey...I am so very sorry. You absolutely did the right thing. Run far away. Even if you never see child support from him. You don't need this. Your daughter doesn't need this. They have battered women's shelters. They have a wealth of resources. Get their help. Do what you must, but never go back!

Sarah&Mackenzie replied: I agree with everyone, leave him and never look back. I hope that you can find the help your looking for and I am very sorry you and Maddie are going through this.

MommyToAshley replied: Everyone has already said what I wanted to say. I am sorry this happened, you did nothing to deserve this treatment. I just wanted to add some hugs and support. It sounds like you have already made the right decision... you are strong and you can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Talk to your professors about the tests, I am sure they could give you an extension and let you take them when you are more settled. And, don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, family, and other resources. The battered women's shelter is a good place to start. You may or may not want to stay there, but I am sure they can point you in the right direction for childcare, free legal help, and financial assistance. They are used to helping women who have been in the exact same situation get started on a better life for themselves.



Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Kaitlin'smom replied: I dont have anything new to offer just more hugs and encouragement that you can do it stay strong and never go back. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but for your daughters sake dont let him do it anymore. YOU HAVE THE POWER AND STRENGHT.

grapfruit replied: I'm so sorry you and Maddie had to go through this. I agree with what everyone else said. I only want to add that we are here to help you stay strong. Lean on us whenever you need to. I know it must be hard, and I know we all wish we could take a piece of that for you. A piece of the pain. Be the strong woman we all see in you.

ZandersMama replied: I am so so very sorry. Please press charges, don't go back.

I was in a very similer relationship, the only differance was there were no children involved. I would leave him time after time and he would always convince me to come back. I was a very weak woman then.
My breaking point was waking up on my bedroom floor, being rushed to the hospital and finding out the dirtbag gave me a concussion. Yet I was still terrified to leave. I pressed charges (which he didnt get anything for, just a peacebond.)
He would call me constantly ( which i reported to the police who wouldnt do anything) and tell me that I was nothing with out him, no one would want me, I was to fat,(was 87 pounds at that point) to ugly ect ect. And I believed him. But sitting down one nite alone I decided to give myself a year. I told him look at me in a year and see where I am, because i'm going to do something with my life.

I'm doing great now with 2 beautiful kids (still not much luck with men but at least this one doesnt beat me) a job I enjoy, and going back to school soon. But the best part is I have my self esteem. I love myself. I am a healthy weight now. I live every day to the fullest and not in fear.
He is a drug addicted loser.

You can DO THIS. If you dont have the strength to do this for yourself(and I understand that feeling) DO IT FOR YOUR CHILD! You do not want your child to remember daddy beating mommy, or worse. And yes I would mention everything.


Sorry I'm rambleing here, I hope it makes sense.

moped replied: Oh Honey - I am sorry all this has happened.........do what is best for you and Maddie please.

momtoMegan&Alyxandria replied: There isn't anything I can add other than you are in my thoughts and prayers.

C&K*s Mommie replied: Everyone has said it best, and like Ed I have nothing more to add that has not already been said.

I will pray for strength for you.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: The only thing I'm going to add is that his sister must be in some lala land. I bet they both grew up in a home where abuse was common and she just thinks it's the norm. It's NOT. FWIW, if it was my brother hitting his girlfriend, I'd rather get her the help to get out than help him get back with her. She's enabling him, or at least trying. Block her number, block his number, get the restraining order, call local shelters for ideas about childcare and get the heck out. NOW.

indywndy_04 replied: I just wanted to give you a and lend my support. I'm not going to tell you anything to do or give you my opinion because I think we all know what you should do here for the sake of you and your precious daughter.

I was in this situation, 10 years later...I am still having to deal with his behavior since we have children together. He has been in jail twice since....It will never get better.

MyBabeMaddie replied: Thank you everyone you have all said so much that helps. I think I have gone back and re-read this thread every chance I have gotten today just because I keep crying. I stopped at our apartment to get some clothes and stuff together since I will be moving all of mine and Madison's stuff out this weekend, it was really hard to be in there all of the good memories came back. All of my babies first memories happened there...

Plus we are like 2 months behind on our utilities and with no income my dad is starting to get frustrated because since he owns the building he thinks hes going to get stuck paying all of our backed up bills.

So far I have talked to 2 of my professors, my microbiology prof. is a really great guy kind of like a fatherly figure, he let me get out of taking the test today and said I have til the end of the semester (2 weeks) to take it.

Thanks again everyone.

Cece00 replied:
Well, you SHOULD mention it, but you should also note that without evidence (which you dont have) not much will come of it.

gr33n3y3z replied:
you and Maddie will have happy and good memories in other places
just remember that

MyBabeMaddie replied: Thanks Lisa, I know thats true but its hard to keep focused on the good time to come, not the good times that we've had

Mommy2BAK replied: Aww Sarah, I am so sorry you and Madison had to go through this. You are a very strong person and you will make it through all of this. I was in a horrible realtionship with my ex and I thought that having Blakely would just make it harder to get away from, but in the end, it made it easier because I realized how much us fighting all the time scared her. You have to realize that the two of you deserve better and it will come. Look at my situation... once I finally got away from all the crap and constant drama I was able to find someone very special that is wonderful to Blakely and I, and now we're married and having a child. I promise you that the same things can/will happen for you!

sparkys2boys replied: I am so sorry to see you going through this. Stay strong.