I think he's going to do this
coasterqueen wrote: I am so scared out of my mind. I think Dh is really going to go on the FEMA mission for 90 days. We talked about it some last night but I could tell he really wants to do this and so I kept a bunch of my fears to myself. I don't want him to look at me later on and feel like I kept him here. I don't want him to regret it if he says no. My mom said I did the right thing not telling him how I feel and that I just need to "buck it up" and do what I need to do and that they would help me. Did I? Did I do the right thing? How on earth am I going to do this? How am I going to take care of my girls all alone? How am I going to feed them when I don't even know how to cook? I know that sounds funny, but it really isn't. How am I going to manage working full time, take care of them, a house, 3.5 acres of mowing, etc, etc?
Like Ed said he may not get to come home one weekend a month and I'm hearing that from others. Yeah sure we can use webcams, make video tapes, etc, phones, but when? He is going to be working 17 hour days if not more. So when are we going to talk? And when we do it's going to be mere minutes that we get to
I'm not sure what's driving him to want to do this. He just kept saying he really wants to do this but he's not sure I can handle things and he's worried about the kids. I told him I would deal with things, yes it would be hard but I'd deal. I told him the only ones I'm worried about is the kids. I don't think money is driving him. Sure he'll make $7-9K but that's a drop in the bucket compared to our debt.
Am I doing the right thing? I'm always saying to him that I feel like I've sacrificed a lot in this marriage by giving up things I wanted to do so is it right for me to make him? He's made a lot too. I just don't know.
He says he's leaning on saying yes but promises me he'll tell me before he tells his boss. I just can't stop crying. I am SO SCARED guys. I've been away from him for months at a time, but BEFORE we had kids.
TANNER'S MOM replied: Well Karen.. I am opposite. I think you should tell your DH all your thoughts and fears and dicuss them in great detail.
I think if you don't then you may have some growing resentment once he does go. That he didn't care how you felt and left you alone. Abandonment is a big issue..
I don't know what to say.. I am thinking of you!..
ITA. I think that if you don't you will probably resent him.
Also, he needs to have all of the information available to him in order to make a good decision. He may have some good ideas for helping you deal with the issues you forsee. This is no time to play the strong mom. You need your DH and unless you two can work out the issues surrounding his absence, then perhaps he should not go.
I think that if he has all of the information and then he decides to go anyway, at least you will have discussed what your feelings are and hopefully you guys would have figured out a way to work around them. KWIM? If you are being so strong and not even communicating your fears to him, he may not think that he's really needed at home and a long absence is no biggie.
Feeling needed is good for any mans ego. LOL
Maybe type it all out and just give him a letter. I know that with really emotionally charged things, I do better just writing a letter and giving it to the person. Otherwise I ramble, cry, yell etc. A letter is a more organized way to convey your feelings.
Hugs, I'll be thinking of you too.
luvbug00 replied: My thoughts are with you ITA with Mel.
Boys r us replied: I'm with Mel, I definitely think that you need to tell him how you're feeling. That doesn't mean that if you tell him he has to change his mind, but it would give the two of you an opportunity to figure things out and how it will all work! Sometimes the worst pain comes from not having the answers you need..and talking it out might give you some answers and reassurance!
You're definitely in my thoughts!! As for taking care of the kids on your own, you are a strong woman..you'll be able to do it and then when he comes home and you have his help..you'll will be so proud of all you did on your own while he was away!!
For starters, you are not alone. But your mom was wrong, your DH does need to know you're scared. Bucking it up won't help you keep from blaming him down the road for not realizing how you feel. Don't make it sound like you're arguing against him going, but he needs to know your specific fears. Then start thinking how you can relieve those fears.
#1 feeding the girls. Now is the perfect time to learn to cook. I am sure a bunch of us can get together some simple recipes for you. And nothing is simpler than hamburger helper and a can of veggies. I am a working mom too and I love Hamburger Helper.
#2 Juggling taking care of home and working and the girls. Prioritize. Your children are first, job second, home third. And take advantage of your mom's offer to help. Ask her if she would help you clean sometimes on the weekends or watch the girls while you do. You are already juggling working and motherhood. This will throw a kink in things for a while, but I am sure you can do it. You are an able amazing mommy and your kids will love you regardless. As for the mowing, parents? Do you belong to a church? Maybe some one at church could help.
#3 Talking to DH. Yes, conversations will be short, but keep in mind that when people are tired and stressed out, the longer you talk, the more likely you will be to snap at each other. Shorter conversations may tend to be more loving.
I hope I don't sound preachy. I just wanted to let you know that I thought about this last night and what would Ido if my DH wanted to do this. Good luck. You will make the right decision. And as for the sacrifice thing, marriage is about sacrificing. I'll get off my . You have all of our ears if you need them.
ITA with Mel and Cary. It is a partnership and he needs to know your feelings, but he also needs to know you are strong and can handle this. And you CAN! You are very strong. We are here for you. Call in the neighbors, family members, mom's group or whoever you can to help you. You can get thru it. I believe in you.
coasterqueen replied: You are all making sense to me but IF I tell him how I feel then he's going to say no. He's going to say no just because he's going to be afraid that if he goes I am going to hate him. I told him last night that yes it's going to be hard, no denying that, that it's going to be crazy, scary, etc but I told him we'd get through it some how. We've gotten through so many things that what's one more. I flat out told him my biggest fear was the girls. How will Kylie handle this when they are so tight. How is this going to affect Megan during 3 important months of her life. I mean the first 12 months are huge and if he's gone for three of them what does that mean. Like I said I will handle all the other stuff, maybe not great, but I will. It's our girls that I'm deathly afraid how they will handle it. Sure they are resilient but we don't know how this will affect them for sure.
I'm just afraid if I tell him how scared I am that he is going to say no. Last night he said "well I think I'm just going to tell them no because that's the easiest thing to do". I replied with "no, you tell them no because you no you won't regret telling them that. I don't want you to regret saying yes or no." Which is true.
I honestly don't know how I feel, will I hate him for this later, probably not. Will I feel sad ALWAYS because he missed out on milestones, probably yes.
I just know 100% if I tell him how I feel completely (besides what I told him how I feel about the girls) that he will say NO in a heartbeat. How is that fair to him? I know down deep inside he fears what this will do to the kids too and he fears if I can handle this. So I know he's weighing all the options here.
I just don't know. I don't have much time either. He could be calling to tell me any second that he's going to tell them yes. I don't like this.
My2Beauties replied: I'm sorry Karen. I totally agree with Mel and Nichole and everyone else. Please dont' hide your fears. The only reason I agreed to Brian leaving was because he came home every weekend guaranteed, if it would have been 7 weeks straight without coming home - no way buddy! Money or not - I think family is way more important. He wouldn't have even considered it had he not got to come home every weekend. I hope you do tell your DH your fears and concerns, like everyone said, you may resent him if you don't and also resent yourself for not speaking it up! You shouldn't buck it up - no offense to your mom but that is a really old school way of thinking about things!
Thanks LeaAnn. It isn't just about the money. It's really not about the money at all. He'll only be making $7-8k and that's nothing really. I think down deep he's afraid that if he doesn't take this assignment that he'll be the next on the block for lay-offs because they are going to be doing it here again real soon. Yes, he could look for another job but there's only one other firm in our area that he could even apply to in his expertise. Otherwise we'd have to move up north or down south somewhere and I think his thoughts are that 90 days is nothing compared to us having to leave our home that we built, land that's been in our family for generations and all our family which live so very close to us now and are very important to our children.
Gosh, who knows what he's thinking.
Kaitlin'smom replied: oh Karen what a tought spot, but I agree you need him and his help but that does not mean you cant do it on your own. I agree with others you need to tel lhim but I guess its going to be th approach in order for him to still make the decision and feel good about it. I cant imaigme hwo torn you are. I guess I would approach him that I think its wonderful that you have it in your heart to go help, but I do have concerns and if we can help find solutions it will make it easier on BOTH of us no matter what you decided. I will be thinking of you and hope you both can not regret either decision
MommyToAshley replied: Karen, I just went to find your other message, sorry I wasn't online yesterday when you needed to talk.
I think you should tell your DH how you feel. We all make sacrifices when it comes to marriage and family, and for some reason women always feel guilty if the man is the one making the sacrifice. Maybe in the end, the best option is for him to go, and you should discuss that. But, I agree with the others that he needs to know how you feel.
If he does go, is there any way that your Mom or a friend can come stay with you for 3 months. Or, maybe you can hire someone to help out for a few months?
kimberley replied: ita with everyone. you need to tell him how you really feel in order for him to make an informed decision. whatever he decides, we are here for you.
gr33n3y3z replied: Let him know your fears and how you are feeling but also let him know you will stand beside him also on his decission.
Good luck (( Hugs ))
Sarah&Mackenzie replied: I agree with what everyone is saying about talking to him and telling him exactly how you feel. I hope that everything works out for you!!!
punkeemunkee'smom replied: Karen~I agree with everyone that you need to talk to him! He loves you and needs to know how you feel. It doesn't have to mean he says no but airing your fears is only fair to both of you! If you don't tell him you may end up being angry at him for not realizing how much this was going to affect you and your girls! I'm sure he doesn't want to be gone either-it is hard to provide for a family in this day and age and if he is feeling pressure to go or get layed off his motovation may be sink or swim right now. I know DH and I have times where we discuss ANYTHING else he could do-sometimes it is just as hard on husbands/daddys to be gone! I hope you have a second to talk to him and you reach the decision together that really will be best for your family!
Maddie&EthansMom replied: Karen I really think the girls will be fine. I really do. You will notice it more than they do. Scotty was gone for 7 months. We saw him on Sundays (just like we do now). Maddie was 3 months old when he left and 10 months old when we finally moved here. I know I have shared this story a million times, but Scotty missed most every milestone, but you would never know it. He has the most vivid memory of her being that age. Even more so than me. It was hard being away from each other. I had to be both parents and I was working full time at the time. Luckily I lived around the corner from my parents and they helped as much as they could. When we all moved here together and were together again as a family Maddie became a daddy's girl and they have been tight every since.
Now, I don't know how she would react to it now that she is older and I don't know how Scotty would feel about missing out on so much. I know I wouldn't hold it against him if he was doing what was best for his family and career. I would do the best I could and I would explain to her that daddy is away, but will be home soon. He had to go away and work. Trust me, if you are honest with her...she will understand. Kids are smart. Don't be afraid of telling her the truth or talking to her. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and I am willing to bet the distance does nothing to their bond but make it stronger.
Be supportive and be strong in front of the girls. They will be able to sense tension and heartache and that will make them uneasy about daddy leaving. 3 months will fly by and Ryan really won't miss much.