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I feel so guilty... - Am I being a bad mommy?


ashtonsmama wrote: sad.gif
I just feel horrible, because one of my so-called "friends" called yesterday (while A was at MIL's house and I was getting things done here) and when I told her he wasn't with me, she went off on how babies should be with their moms ALL the time, they'll have horrible separation anxiety if you leave them all the time when they're so young like he is, and he'll stop nursing if I leave him so much, etc. She made me feel just AWFUL.
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I haven't thought that I was a bad mom very much so far, I think I'm doing alright myself, but after she said that I started thinking...AM I hurting my son by leaving him when he's only 3 months still?

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I've only left him with immediate family: my MIL, Ryan, and my sister Allison...and they all say that he does really well whenever he's with them, he doesn't cry when I leave him, and I don't do it all the time, I've only just started leaving him more. It was so helpful to me to have that time yesterday to pay bills and take a little break for myself, but now I'm feeling so guilty...should I stop leaving him so much? I mean, I guess I haven't really left him that much so far, but should I be feeling more separation from him?

I really feel comfortable leaving him usually, especially with my MIL, she takes great care of him, and he loves being with her right now...but every other mom I've talked to keeps saying that it was SO hard for them to leave their first child, even second or third child, with anyone else, and it took so long for them to leave their babies with anyone...is there something wrong with me?!?

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Sorry...I'm just feeling really guilty now, like I'm not as attatched to my baby as I should be? I'm not sure what the feeling is...and honestly, I love my son more than LIFE, and I do feel attatched to him, I really do...

I don't know.

luvbug00 replied: OH no ,no, no! NOT leaving them is what gives them the seperation anxity. periods of interaction with other people is good and healthy ( not weeks at a time of course) but a little each day or whatever is fine.. Nope your doing just fine. hug.gif

mckayleesmom replied: There is nothing wrong with you and Im sure Ashton is fine. Sounds more like you need a new batch of friends to me. Don't worry, you are doing a great job. Every mom needs time to catch up and get things done or just plain have some time to themselves. Shame on your friends. Next time I would tell them to worry about their own families and you will worry about yours.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Ewww time to get rid of that friend IMO! growl.gif I think it's very beneficial to a child's health and development to be with others...starting at any age really! We took Wil out to restaurants with us at only two weeks old and I had some friends think I was nuts. But oh well! I feel it's important that a child can adjust to new environments on his/her own, without mom and dad around. I think you're totally doing the right thing, not only for Ashton, but for yourself. You deserve time off, which IMO, only makes you a better mom!

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A&A'smommy replied: OMG I cannot believe she said that to you!!! I don't see anything wrong with it, it was only for a couple of hours and its HARD to get stuff done when you have a newborn clinging to you. I left alyssa when she was about that old for the first time for a couple of hours so I could clean my house to (it was a disaster) she LOVES going to her grandmothers house in fact she begs sometimes. I think its good for em!!!

C&K*s Mommie replied: Grrr... to her mad.gif for making you feel badly. She should be ashamed of herself for laying the guilt on you!

dito.gif to everyone else who said you are a FABULOUS mother, because you are. And you need not be ashamed for taking time for yourself to clear your head, and readjust. He (Ashton) is in great hands, by your own admission. wub.gif

I think you are thinking along the right track "so-called friend". Time to seek better company, IMO. One that builds you up, and does not knock you down. hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif JMO (and I am full of them today! blush.gif )

b&bsmom replied:
I had an issue with attachment. i didn't feel like they were mine. Well at least my first. I take care of kids and have always worked with kids and it was just natural to take care of my baby. I didn't leave them much in the beginning but I was not like I have to be with them. I wanted to take care of them all the time because that is what I do everyday before I had kids. I don't think you are a bad mom. I know moms that have left on vacation for a week with their babies being that little. I could never do that. To each his own. If she was really your friend she would support you and not make you feel so horrible. You are doing what is right for you. Hope that helps.

AlexsPajamaMama replied:
That is what I thought too.
Alex has no problem at all leaving us, he looks forward to the days he spends with Nana and he LOVES his occasional sleep overs at Grams.

If you get him used to being away from you now when he is so young then he will be fine with it later on. IMO anyway. Thats how it has been for us.

ashtonsmama replied: Thank you all so much...
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You made me feel so good about my parenting skills...
SERIOUSLY. Thank you. It meant alot to have you all say you think I'm a good mommy...and yes, I do agree with all of the comments that I should get rid of my "friend"--she and I used to be closer, but now all she does is try to compete with me and critique my parenting styles...frankly, I think she's just jealous.
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Not.

But thank you all so much--that was really sweet of you to say.

AlexsPajamaMama replied:
Sounds like she is jealous/insecure if she is bashing the way you do things and competing

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kimberley replied: time for some new friends. a good mom is a sane mom and if you need a break to get stuff done, there is nothing wrong with that. i went back to work part time when Kaleigh was 7wks old. 4-5hrs a day, 5 days a week. that doesn't make me a bad mom, it makes me a good one who wants to be able to pay for diapers! lol
don't let her make you feel bad. you are a good mom. hug.gif

holley79 replied: Honey there is nothing wrong with it. I left Annika at 8 weeks to take a break and go to a crop at a scrapbook store. I felt guilty but I think it's great for mom to get away and for baby to be with other people now and again. hug.gif

My3LilMonkeys replied: Well I went back to work FT with both of my kids when they were only a month old and neither one of them have had seperation anxiety. As a matter of fact it has been wonderful for my kids because they spend so much time with daddy, grandma, aunt Laura, etc. that they will willingly go with any family member, which my IL's love because they all like to take the girls places.

You are a great mother and I guarantee you NO mother is ever with their child 100% of the time - you'll have to leave them sooner or later.

USMCwife replied: I agree w/ what the others on here have said, you may want to find some new friends. She had absolutely no right to say those things to you! There is nothing at all wrong w/ leaving your child w/ someone to get bills paid,grocery shop, or to even just have some time to yourself. We ALL need time to ourselves!
Maybe she is jealous because you are getting some alone time, even though that isnt an excuse for being rude!

MomToJade&Jordan replied: You are not a bad Mom and shame on that "friend" for making you feel that way. growl.gif I had people taking Jade when she was a newborn because she had colic and I just needed a break. Yes I felt bad about it, but I needed that time to get my head back on right. A neighbor of mine even took her for the night so I could get a good nights sleep. I was so grateful. When I was in Florida my aunt would take both of the girls over night. That was so nice. It gave me a break and helped her cope with the loss of her father. Also kind of amusing because she was always the cool aunt and took us over night when we were little. Basically it is perfectly all right to leave Ashton with other people. It gives him a chance to interact with other people and it gives you a much needed breather.

mummy2girls replied: oh dont believe your friend. I had to put jenna in daycare fulltime when she was 4 months and she is emotionally fine.

Its good to get that me time as much as you can./ Believe me! i hardly ever get me time so when i do man its wonderful!

Dont worry dear..he will eb fine!

Cece00 replied: What a crappy friend.

Your son is FINE, he will be OK. There is nothing wrong with leaving your child with another responsible person for a little while to get a little free time, and dont let anyone tell you differently.

BTW, kids who are left with others AND kids who never leave their mother's sides can both have seperation anxiety, its a normal stage for a baby/toddler. So dont feel like you are a bad mom even if he DOES experience that at some point.

ashtonsmama replied:
That's what I'm realizing...and I'm really sick and tired of being treated that way. I used to love her, now I try to avoid her. It's wierd that she's changed so much...but oh well, her loss.

I have other friends.

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ashtonsmama replied: Thank you all so much for the sweet comments, it means alot to have my feelings validated, KWIM?

Thank you!

It's nice to know I'm not the only one...

LoganAndAubreesMommy replied:
Ditto!!!

ilovemybaby replied: Honey don't listen to your friend. You are a great mother and Ashton is just fine!
You need mommy alone time too. hug.gif

Nina J replied: Your definatly not being a bad mother. 3 month old babies are only just starting to get that mother-child connection, KWIM? It's a proven psychological fact that young infants don't really feel any emotion at being seperated for a few hours from there mothers. That's why, when babies are young, any one can hold them and they'll be calm. But then, when they're 6 months old and someone they arn't familiar with holds them, they might cry. Odessa wouldn't care if I left her with a family member for a few hours, as long as she got feed she'd be happy happy.gif

Also, Ashton will develop a close relationship with family members, so when he's 6 months old and her does have a connection with you he won't fuss about being left with MIL or someone.

Everyone needs a break from there kids. But, nobody needs inconsiderate comments from friends. If she does it again tell her Ashton's your baby, not hers.

ashtonsmama replied:
Thank you so much girls.

You continue to make me feel better with those sweet comments!

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And Nina, I can't believe Miss Odessa is already 2 weeks! Jeez!
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Seems like just yesterday when you posted that she was born...wow.

CantWait replied: I actually think you're doing better for him by leaving him with other people. He's learning to not be so dependant on only you, he's learning that even though you're away you'll be back, and he's learning who his family is, and to be more social. I can't believe that she would say such a hideous thing to you. Next time tell her to put a sock in it. hug.gif

ashtonsmama replied:
Thanks...I plan on it. I've been trying to ignore her like the plague, she's starting to make comments like that more often and it's getting to be really annoying. And it's not like I don't have other friends...so she's out the window. I think she's just insecure...who knows. I deserve better.

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lisar replied: Does she have kids cause it dont sound like it to me. I know we all need a break from time to time. If not we would drive ourselves crazy. Dont feel bad you have nothing to be guilty about.

ashtonsmama replied: She actually does have kids...she has 2!
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A 2 year old and a 7 month old. And she's like a "Martha Mom"...house perfect, kids always perfect, her perfect...I think she has serious issues.
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