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I can't believe it is starting already...


MommyToAshley wrote: We had a play date after preschool today, we ended up going to the McDonalds with the inside playground. There were some girls there that were in Ashley's preschool last year and are in kindergarten this year. They were making fun of another girl for being overweight and wearing glasses. Some of Ashley's friends were starting to participate in it as well... I don't think their Mom saw it. Even though Ashley was not teasing the girl, I had a talk with her about what the other girls were doing and why it was wrong. We had a talk about how it must have made the other girl feel. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.. kids can be so cruel. I could not believe that I was hearing this from kindergartners. ohmy.gif I didn't think I would have to deal with this kind of thing so early... obviously this is learned behavior. I hate that our society places such value on how a person looks.... I wish we emphasized and gave out medals for kindness instead!

redchief replied: You're right Dee Dee. Then when these tortured kids go off the deep end and start hurting themselves or others everyone always seems so surprised.

mummy2girls replied: unfortunetly it happens and to be brutally honest girls are the worst when it comes to making fun of looks and clothes and such. What im worried is jenna will be the one that will be made fun of because of her delays she has and such:( Im not looking forward to that day at all!

amymom replied: It is a shame. I am glad you talked to Ashley about it. She has a big heart and I believe she will stick up for those kids.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: It does start early. Maddie has been on the butt end of teasing for several weeks now and I use it as a lesson for her not to ever treat any of her friends that way. It breaks my heart how cruel kids are and how the parents let it go on b/c they actually want their kids to be the ones 'on top.'

gr33n3y3z replied: it is very sad
I see it in school not as much these past few months bc the school had people come in and talk to the students and also did a night program for the parents back in Dec.

jcc64 replied: Dee Dee-
I wish I could say it's an anomaly- but unfortunately, it goes on all the time. Just wait until 5th grade...

Boo&BugsMom replied:
How can anyone pick on Maddie!?!? She's such a doll. wub.gif GRRR!

I can't stand hearing things like this, it makes me so sad. Kids in general are definitly mean, and unfortunately some parents just don't teach their children to love people for who they are on the inside.

ediep replied: that is so sad, it really bothers me when kids asre teased

luvmykids replied: I hate it, hate it, hate it. Kylie has gotten picked on briefly and it infuriates me to no end that more parents don't teach their kids about it. It makes me sick.

DansMom replied: OMG, that's awful. I'm depressed about this stuff. Something very related has been happening to the daughter of a friend: I'll call her Mary. She's 9. In her class, there are 8 other girls, and 5 are in a group that decided they don't like Mary. The remaining 3 girls would like to play with Mary, but the "leaders" won't allow it. If one of them is talking to Mary, a leader literally comes over and make the wafflers an ultimatum---don't play with Mary or you'll be ostracized as well. Mary has stopped wanting to go to school, her self-esteem has plummeted and her performance went from excellent to poor. The teacher, the parents, the principal are all involved---Ann Arbor schools has a strict no-bullying policy, and the principal is embarrassed. Mary's parents are at their wits end and are looking to place her in a private school for the rest of the year.

She's a thin girl with long blonde hair and a pretty face, not your typical target. I'm thinking it's because she's smart and would rather climb trees than do ballet. We went to a playspace this weekend, and Mary was trying to do a flip on a trampoline. After only two failed attempts, she collapsed in a heap and started sobbing. "I can't do anything! I can't play soccer! I can't do a flip! Nobody likes me!" It's horrible what these mean girls have done to a sweet girl whom I've known since birth. It makes my stomach turn.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
This is the sort of thing that's going on with Maddie. But, it's not quite as serious. My fear is that it will escalate, but I'm trying to handle it the best I can. bawling.gif I hate it. Maddie is a very loving child and she is very sensitive so that makes them want to tease her more when she pouts. I have a feeling the teachers have caught on b/c they have had several discussions about it in class. I'm teaching Maddie to speak up and stand up for herself. She's doing better. I also told her to find new friends for now. I don't know what else to do. The ring leader is one of my best friend's daughter. Needless to say, I've had to distance myself from her b/c I don't want Maddie around her daughter if she keeps hurting Maddie's feelings.

I'm not saying Maddie hasn't had her moments, but for the most part she gets along well with everyone and is very accepting. I often wonder if these other girls are jealous? dunno.gif Can you be jealous in 1st grade?

It makes me ill. puke.gif I want my daughter to believe that she is smart, beautiful and capable. How do you get them to believe this when their peers tear them down. She is in private school so they aren't sheltered unless they are never around kids at all.

luvmykids replied:
That's Kylie too, I think it makes her an easy target; how do kids so young even know enough to see kindness as a weakness?

I was terribly picked on as a child, I still have flashbacks rolleyes.gif but it truly is one of the things I greatly fear for my kids sad.gif

I'm working with Kylie on it too but I'm disgusted that we even have to do it. growl.gif

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Ick. I was teased mercilessly as a child. Not only was I chunky, I had curly hair shaped like an afro, as well as really thick glasses. AND, since my dad was military, I moved around a lot...so I never really had a chance to make good friends...I had a different local accent as well.

I remember on the shcool bus, this one particular girl used to put gum in my hair. She used to throw spitballs at me as well. My mom used to tell me that they were just jealous... but yeah right - I never believed it. I always retorted back to my mom that they did it because my hair was nasty, not because they were jealous of it, because who's want me hair?!

My kids get punished just as bad for saying something mean to their siblings as they do for hitting. Never will I tolerate my kids being like those snotty kids. It's a stage that all kids go through, i think, but in any case and either way, I'd rather not have my children on the hurting end, either doing the hurting or being the hurt ones.

Nina J replied: I was bullied badly when I was younger. It's not a nice thing to go through, I don't want my kids to experience that. But, it's enevitable that they will one day wittness bullying, be a bully or experience bullying. I hope I can raise them right so they won't be a bully, and hopefully they won't stand by and watch bullying. It can change a person for life..

A&A'smommy replied: OH i know what you mean I have noticed cliques forming in my 4-5yr olds!! sad.gif

Kirstenmumof3 replied: hug.gif hug.gif They grow up so fast! We had to deal with simmilar situations with Emily, but that wasn't until Grade 1. You did the right thing, by talking to Ashley about what happened! hug.gif hug.gif

Kaitlin'smom replied: I fear this for Kaitlin, not really being builled but having friends that do it to others. Kaitlin loves all the kids in her class and gets upset when someone makes a comment about someone else, its sad that more parents dont have more active roll in teaching there kids yes everyone is different and thats what makes us special. Kaitlin is also very courious, she will as when she sees something different, not in a mean way just a courious way and I hope it never come off wrong. I have talked to her about treating your friends like you want them to treat you. I am sad its gonna happen no matter what I do I just hope I can help minimize the effects it has on her. sad.gif some girls can be so mean

mom21kid2dogs replied:
I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to Maddie. hug.gif This, too, has happened to Olivia and it's my bf's daughter as well. It's a VERY difficult situation to deal with. It has definately put a one sided strain on my relationship with my bf (she is not aware of the incidents) and I find myself not initating contact other than "she and I" because of it. I suppose at some point I'll have to come clean about it or ditch the friendship but it's an 18 yr friendship so I hate to do that. sad.gif A has been somewhat of a snot at times with Olivia then sometimes she's fine. Aside from one incident this summer where Olivia cried herself to sleep saying "I'm fat, I'm ugly" bawling.gif she seems to be doing ok, self esteem wise. Fortunately, this has never transcended to school. There she is a total social butterfly which is great social reinforcement. I think A is a little jealous of Olivia & it's the only weapon she has so she uses it.

I think being a loving, involved parent goes a long way, Aimee, in helping kids through it. Especially at this age-family is at least half as important as peers to them, but that becomes much more uneven the older they get. I was brutalized by peers as a child (so you can imagine what a hot button the whole issue is for me) and actually sought therapy as an adult to deal with the after effects of it. I had very loving parents, but they had 6 kids (3 in 3 years) and little attention was paid to stuff like that. I think it would have helped if I was built up a little more at home.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I also had these issues as a child. I'm really, really upset over all of this. Not only that, but our boys are a year apart and are together quite often. They were together this morning. She is the type that thinks her children do no wrong and she's so quick to assume Ethan has been mean to B. For example, this morning Ethan got a toy B was playing with and B jumped on Ethan. Ethan started waving his arms around and accidentally hit B. She didn't even see what happened...I watched the whole thing. I know Ethan should be careful, but he is the younger of the two and was more concerned about defending himself. B is twice his size. I put Ethan in time out and while I was in the other room all the moms were in there storming around trying to get B some ice on his eye that was bruising. It wasn't even the same side that Ethan hit him on and he certainly didn't hit him hard enough to bruise him. I said "What's going on? It wasn't like Ethan just hauled off and hit him...He was defending himself from B" She had the nerve to give me a go to hell look and roll her eyes. I'm glad Ethan has learned to speak up b/c before he let B tramp all over him and so B was the only one tattling and it made it look like Ethan was the only one doing anything wrong. I just hate the mentality of some parents. Kids will be kids and I'm the type to let these things go and accept that, but she makes me and my kids out to be animals or something. What's with that? I've got to find a way to stay away from her..it's messing with me emotionally and it's not worth it.

I'm just in tears. I appreciate your post, though. It made me feel so much better. hug.gif I"m sorry O is dealing with the same thing. Fortunately, I haven't been friends with this person very long...not even a year. It's not a healthy relationship, but we hang out with the same people. She turned into a totally different person after Scotty lost his job and now she is judgemental and wants to control my life. I'm a very private person and don't want her meddling in my business. Everytime I talk to her I feel like she's trying to get information out of me. I hate it.

Wow, it seems I have a lot of issues with her. I've tried praying about it and it helps to talk to someone on the outside, but she is killing my self esteem. bawling.gif I feel like an awful mom and person when I'm around her. sleep.gif

Sorry Dee Dee for hijacking your post. happy.gif

Boo&BugsMom replied: Aww Aimee............ hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif

Parents like that truly upset me. I know Tanner certainly is not a perfect kid, but when I know he is in the wrong he certainly gets punished for it. I hate it when people act like their child is never in the wrong.

A&A'smommy replied: OH man it breaks my heart to read all these stories and I'm truly about Alyssa.. I don't really know which side she will be on and I hope to teach her well enough to be a good kid. She seems to be already but I guess we will just see!! Dee Dee you did the right thing talking to ashley about that and i'm sorry she already had to whitness something like that.. hug.gif hug.gif to everyone going through this situation right now!! hug.gif hug.gif

CantWait replied: That's so sad. I don't understand why kids have to be so mean, and more importantly why more parents don't put a stop to it.

When do kids actually get to be kids these days. sad.gif

mom21kid2dogs replied: I wish there was an "easy" button for this one, don't you Aimee? hug.gif I really don't know how to react with my friend right now and it's not like me just to not deal with it straight up. It's just that she's not in a great emotional space right now and it seems like anything drives her over the edge. I just sense that if this comes to a head it's gonna get ugly. Guess I'm hoping distance for a while will work. Doesn't sound like you have many good options in your situation, though. Ugh!

Maddie is lucky to have such a loving mommy, though! thumb.gif

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Unfortunately, this is all a part of being a kid. It's teaching your children to rise above it. Right now I'm struggling with building Maddie's self esteem. Obviously I still have self esteem issues over this happening to me b/c I'm in tears after our playdate this morning and my 'friend' making me feel like a failure or making me feel like there is something wrong with me. sad.gif

Does it ever go away? I should be on top of the world, but for the past few weeks I've just been feeling awful about myself. I don't want Maddie to EVER be this way. How do I make sure she's not when I still struggle with it so badly?

MommyToAshley replied: Oh that just breaks my heart to hear that Kylie, Maddie, and Olivia are already experiencing this kind of thing. bawling.gif I still can't believe it is happening so young... where are these kids getting this from?

Kylie has got such a wonderful and fun personality. Maddie has got such a kind heart. And O... what a little breathe of fresh air, that smile has got to be contagious! They are definitely not your typical targets for bullies. So, I think maybe jealousy IS involved? I think some parents put too much pressure on kids to be the best, and when they're not .. that can lead to jealousy. At least that is my guess. It is so sad and now I am afraid for Ashley to go to school. I don't think she would bully anyone because she is not aggressive by any means (and if I ever heard of her doing such a thing I would definitely put a stop to it)... I actually worry about her being too passive and being bullied. Although, this past year I have done a better job of letting her work things out for herself and stick up for herself whereas before I would intervene.

jcc64 replied: Oh guys, my heart aches for you. It's brutal to watch your child struggle and not be able to "fix" it. I posted at some length on this subject in Dee Dee's other, somewhat related post.
I don't pretend to have all, or even some, of the answers, but I can tell you as someone who's a little farther down the road, these are normal, inevitable interactions between kids trying to figure out their place in the world. I think it's very empowering for your child if you inform her that bullying and other anti-social behavior is most often the result of insecurity on the part of the bully. When kids feel good and strong, they don't need to take someone else down to elevate their own social status- knowing that shrinks them back down to a manageable size, kwim? I also tell my kids that no one can have power over you if you don't give it to them, that is- a healthy self esteem is like an invisible force field that protects a child to a certain extent.
I realize this sounds very simplistic- I also realize that girls are, generally speaking, infinitely more complicated than boys in this way. Boys are pretty brutal- sometimes even their normal "friendly" banter can be quite cutting and ruthless, but after some reading and lots of time spent in the company of men and boys, I now know this is normal behavior and I don't get over-involved and over-identified with my kids. I simply make sure they know that they absolutely have to push back when pushed (whether this is literal or figurative). It's all very primal, but in the end, we are often just like animals subconsciously engaging in instinctive behavior in a struggle for power.
And finally, as hard as it is to do, try not to share your own childhood "ghosts" with your child's current situation. To a large extent, they do need to go through this on their own, and sometimes, we unwittingly make a bad situation worse by imposing our own victimhood on our kids.
I'm sure your kids will all work it out because they have you behind them for support. But, in the meantime, big hug.gif because I know how hard it is to watch this.


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