I am crying..This hurt me so bad - And this is long I'm sorry

TANNER'S MOM wrote: This is going to be long. I am sorry and want to thank the people who read it in advice. I am so hurt by my in laws that I don't know what to do.

Ok, we haven't spoken to them in 3 months, they haven't really called but once I think. They completely missed "MY" son's birthday. Not a phone call nothing. I have posted on here about the times that Tanner has cried for them. But they don't see it.

Well, I was out riding today, all alone. It was so peaceful that I even said a prayer. It was a beautiful day.

Randy called me and said my dad called and theyb are coming over...Well we moved 3 months ago and this is the first time that they have ever been here. We live less than 20 minutes away.

Ok, issue number 1. When they came Tiffany my DSS was here. They said Tiffany we bought you some clothes. They had gotten some used clothes from somewhere. My MIL said that she had them for over a month. Well, anyway..Tiffany went and got them. And my MIL said Tiffany I brought y0ur [B]MOM about 4 pants in there I think she can wear..OK she was in MY house eating my food..and she brings Randy's EX clothes. The woman who has mad my life hell for 7 years. Ok, She can't think of my children in 3 months and she can worry about what Randy's ex wife has to wear...Yes I lost it. I was rude and I said...if you want to give Terri clothes then take them to her house NOT mine. Before I said that I looked at Randy and his mouth was open..I gave him time to respond and he said NOTHING..he knew I was PO'd but he said nothing...so I am kinda mad at him tooo. I felt so disrespected.. I almost walked off then but I stayed.

Issue 2..All the kids were here..the only she asks about was Tiffany. Come to find out she called Tiffany and wanted to see her this weekend..and Tiffany said she was going to be at our house...she told Tiffany she guessed if she was here then she would make the trip...I guess DH, myself and the other kids are chopped liver..that one hurt but I let it go.

Issue 3..Ok..one thing that has really ALWAYS Dh and I is that our kids rodeo. The in laws have never been to ONE RODEO of any of the kids..not one play day nothing. But my Brother and Sister in Law own a RACE CAR..and there kids do racing events also. My IN laws have never MISSED one time of seeing those kids. It hurts my feeling. Tanner has one belt buckles, rodeo's, money they have never came to see him. never came toThey will go to rodeo's that he isnt riding in etc..nbut have one SCHOOL event, one PLAY, or ONE RODEO. I said Tanner get in full RODEO season in two weeks..His first Rodeo is in Elm Springs. One small town away..about 10 minutes for them..and where Tiffany lives I might add. They said what nite does he ride.. I said mostly SATURDAY..my father in law point blank said ..then we won't be there..we will go to the races and that is final. I lost it. I cried for Tanner. I said if you don't care anymore than that for him, Then why bother coming? It is sad..DH got so hurt. He said why our my kids not good enough for you to love? [/B]

Well I was in the bed room crying. And they were leaving..my MIL looked at Tanner and said..IS she ( meaning me) the reason you don't come and see me. Ok, she completely IGNORES him..but wants us to bring him to her when she feels bad..and I ain't doing it.

But she was standing in my house..when she said that. I am livid..that she would question my SON..Well, I told DH he has until I get off work tomorrow to call his Mom and explain to her that she will RESPECT me in my home..if nothing else. Do you agree that DH needs to do this. And tell her how we really feel. They make ME the bad person..But I am not. I love them and have done so much for them..why do they treat me like this??

Ok if you made it this for thanks..and I really need the advice@

iluvmysweetiepies replied: Wow. Sorry about your in-laws. I'm not really sure what advice to give. I would be furious too! I can't believe they won't go to any rodeos! How rude. (((((hugs)))))

gr33n3y3z replied: This is a tuff one Mel bc the IL are playing you both if you know what I mean
I mean I think your Hubby could stand up for you that would have been nice and You are a better person then Iam BC if My inlaws came into our house and did that crap to me they would have seen that door going out as fast as they came in it.
I think you did a good job and what I would do is call the inlaws first and try to get to the problem first. And if that doesnt work then get Randy to handle it bc it sounds like you had enough and you nor does your family deserve to be trated so badly.
Let me know how it goes
((((((Hugz))))))

A&A'smommy replied: OMG OMG OMG what @*^Y#**

I had to think before I tried to give advice I also read what Lisa said and that totally makes sense. I think that you dh should call him mother but I also think that he needs to ask her why she is acting like that and if it still gets nothing but pettyness from her then he should put his foot down and tell her that she cannot come in your home and treat you like that. I hope that you guys get this worked out for your childrens sake I understand how your feeling even though my mil has never made a direct attack on me in front of my face (she is a more stab you in a back kind of person) but for the kids we all try to make it seem like ice cream (looks good on the outside cold on the inside) good luck with it hun and LOTS and LOTS of ((((((((HUGS))))))))

MommyToAshley replied:
I am sorry that you and your kids were so hurt by all this. I would have felt the same way you did, only I think you handled it better than I would have. I don't want to cause problems with you and your DH, but I agree and think it is his position to stand by you and support you... more than that, he needs to come to your defense. However, I do understand that it is probably hard for him to stand his ground with his own Mom. But, I think that would be the easiest way to end all of this. That's just how I feel, others may disagree with me though.

I wish you the best of luck, I hope you get this all worked out.

mckayleesmom replied: I can't give advice because what I would do would cause my post to be moved...LOL..Im sorry hun....just try to be the better person..they are the ones missing out.

loveydad replied: i'm sorry. i would have been screaming at her. telling her to get the H*** out of my HOUSE! I would be pissed at your hubby for not sticking up for you too!

~Roo'sMama~ replied: Wow oh wow... I'm sorry they treat you like that! I agree with what the other's have said - I'm sure it's hard for your DH to stand up to his mother but he should defend you and tell her she needs to respect you at least. That's just so wrong that they treat you and your kids like that!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: First I would like to say how sorry I am that your inlaws treat you this way. You have every right to be angry and upset with them. What they did (questioning Tanner) was wrong. To drag a child into there issue is not right! You and your DH need to sit down and talk about this and come up with a game plan for the when/if they come to visit again. You both need to be on the same page. Talk about what will be accepted in your house, how you will respond, who will respond, etc. Your inlaws need to see you both as a team, that way they can't pin this all on you. Don't badmouth your inlaws infront of the kids. They will learn in time how they feel for them. Don't remind Tanner that he's grandparents are spending time watching his cousins racing and not coming to his rodeos. This will only cause him a lot of sadness. I know this from first hand experience, my grandparents always favoured my cousins because I was not biologically part of there family. I completely understand the whole inlaw situation. For many years, my inlaws and I did not get along. I tried so hard to be the perfect daughter inlaw, but nothing I ever did was right. I finally had to stand up for myself and my child before they finally accepted me as part of the family. I hope things get better for you and your family!

Josie83 replied: I'm so sorry Mel! I feel so bad for Tanner in all of this. They don't deserve to see your wonderful kids. Much respect to you for managing to keep your cool for so long. They don't deserve to see you al - I'd say cut off contact with them, at least for the time being. i'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say xx

Alice replied: I can't think of anything to add to what's already been posted.

People can be so STUPID. (Yeah, I know: rude and disrespectful and mean-spirited too!) But do they honestly think your kids are so dumb that they'll love and come visit granny when they get older?? After seeing the hurt she's giving to your family now?? They're doing far worse to themselves than they're doing to you. And I bet they never see it coming.

TeagansMom609 replied: Im sorry they are acting that way to you in your own home. Honestly if I were you I would completly cut them off. Maybe I have a short temper but I would have flipped monkey sh** on them and kicked them out of my house. What was she thinking bringing his ex clothes?! Thats insane. Did she do it just to piss you off? Maybe since your hubby isnt saying anything you could call her and tell her whats on your mind. Ask her flat out why she is acting that way towards you. Have you done something to her? If she is still rude to you after trying to talk to her like a normal human being, tell her enough is enough, either give you the respect you deserve or dont come around at all. She's not doing anyone any favors by being around. You, your DH, or your kids dont need the negativity. Thats that.

Boys r us replied: Good god, you know, it's really hard to believe that grown people act like that!! For god's sake..these are CHILDREN they're screwing around with...nevermind you and dh you know!! I think that #1 your husband should have stood up more for HIS family..which now consists of you and the children. By not saying anything and making you do it, it gives them more to "dislike" about you..you're the "nasty one" who gets mad..they're his parents, he should have delt with it. I'm so sorry this happened, I think you all should just not have them over anymore..maybe write them a letter explaining the hurt that they have caused and how as parents of these kids it is your job to protect them and expose them to positive people who will have a positive influence in their lives and that you would be absolutely heartbroken for any of your kids to grow up and behave like them..therefore you AND DH have decided enough is enough and you will not allow your family to be trampled on any longer by them!

TANNER'S MOM replied: Nichole, I have written them more than once, and have always thrown them away! Maybe's it time to mail them this time!

Thank you guys for being there for me. I know it was a long vent..but it hurt so bad!

Mel

My2Beauties replied: I am so sorry hon, I think everyone has given you some good advice, but I do believe your hubby needs to be the one to call his mom, after all she may listen to him more, and she needs to just hear it coming from him anyways! I'm sorry, let us know if he calls her!

mammag replied: I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know how you feel but I get it from my own parents so it's a bit different. They live 10mins away and haven't been to one birthday or school function. The sad part is that the kids don't get upset anymore because they just know to expect it.

As far as the clothes stuff and her being disrespectful I probably would have dh say something to her. If she doesn't want to like you, fine, but she can't come into your home and disrespect you. I think it would go over better coming from him than from you because I think it is human nature to get defensive when someone is confronting you and it would be less so with her own son.

Just try not to let it get you too upset (I know, easier said than done). They're not worth it.

Mommy2BAK replied: Woah Mel! That is terrible of them, and let me add, you are a better woman than I am. I would have told that woman to get out of MY house! How dare her talk to Tanner that way? Ad if she is trying to get him on her 'side'. They don't sound like very good grandparents. I would be very hurt and I understand your pain. John's parents are a little like that, but I don't think they realize it. The live 3 blocks away from us and they haven't seen Blakely in about 2 months, besides running into them at a store.

kimberley replied: gosh... that is an awful situation. i would definitely have DH talk to her. she has no right to speak to you that way nor should she speak to your son about issues between you two! that is completely irresponsible of her! i like the idea of a letter. i did it via email with my ex's mother and it really did help. we also sat down and talked afterwards and i basically laid out the ground rules. one step out of line and she can forget about seeing her grandkids. so far so good. i hope DH can get through to her and you guys can work something out for the kids sake.

DVFlyer replied: Ok Nichole( boys-r-us), I swear if you write what I'm thinking one more time, I'm going to put a tin foil hat on so you can't read my mind anymore!!!!!

I will never get over (how's that for psychological reinforcement ) the way some *cough* adults behave. Sure, I can see wanting to bring someone a gift or whatever, but give me a break, you HAVE to know you should bring something for the other kids.......... uh especially since the one doesn't even live there.

I have to agree with the person above who said you are getting played by them. No one can be that stupid.

Now, as far as your husband goes. Please take this with the grain of salt it's intended to come with. I've been in your husband's shoes...kinda. My ex had a daughter when we met. We were together for 6 years (just dating, so it's obviously a bit different). I never had the connection with her daughter as I do with my own. Even after 6 years, I never knew what true love for a child was until I had my own daughter. It's not that I didn't love her, but not the way I love my own. Believe me when I tell you it's surprised me. I would stand in front of a bullet in a heartbeat for my daughter... not sure I would have said that so easily for my ex's.

Could it be that the stunt your IL's pulled doesn't affect him- disclaimer: even though it should in your mind- as much as it affects you because your son is not his biological son? I'm sure he knows it isn't right, but it just might not be as personal to him. And that's not to say he doesn't love you son. Please don't take it that way. It goes a bit deeper, that's all.

I'm not trying to defend him or his lack of action. I would have said something, but that's me. All I'm trying to do is offer another possible view so that maybe his lack of action might be understood and therefore somewhat explained.

My mom was visiting one day, and she gave Chloe (16 mos old) a sip of beer. Harmless, I'm sure, but I put a stop to it right then and there. My wife, on the other hand, expressed her disagreement with it to me privately, but said nothing to my mom. In my eyes, it's her child to, she SHOULD have said something, but probably didn't want to cause waves since it was MY mom. Me, on the other hand probably would have said something to her mom.


Flame away.......

TANNER'S MOM replied: OH DV I would never flame you. I understand very much of what you are saying too. I think you need some back ground though.

Tanner is Randy's son. We have 4 kids..Brittany and Justin is mine..Tiffany is his and Tanner is ours.

I have been a step mother for 8 years. I will admit that I have a deep love for my step daughter. No it is not exactly the same as I feel for my birth children, but close. I would die for her. I think the difference in instance is we both brought children into this marriage.

It is Randy's own son that we are talking about. Of course they don't teach my children the same, I have tried to come to reality of that. But Tanner is there BLOOD> They make a difference b/c they don't get along w/ me as they did Tiff's mom. They don't believe on divorce. Even though Randy was divorced before we ever started dating..I still ruined their hope that he would take Terri back. They don't care that he was a teenager married to a woman he never loved..for the sake of the child and realized it was worse on the child. BUT for some reason it becomes my fault.

Randy was raised to never talk back or voice his opionion. He was really raised to not have one. What his parents said was the LAW, religion, polictics nothing was up for DISCUSSION, he was never allowed to form his own thoughts. It is sad...and it has made him cowar down to them as an adult.

DF I value your opionion along with everyone's here. Thank you for reading my trouble.

Mel

DVFlyer replied: Ok, I feel stupid now. When I read your empasis of "my son", I made the assumption he was Randy's stepson. That's what I get for ass-u-ming

Now I'm totally at a loss. I guess the reason for his inaction is exactly what you just said. He's been programmed NOT to say anything. I'm very happy you understand that about him. Many people would not take the time to consider the reason someon acts a certain way. Good for you!

Can't you make your horse cr@p in their car or something!