I am almost hating my DH! - VENT!!!!

Hillbilly Housewife wrote: I am SOOO tired of my DH. He hardly helps around the hosue - and when he does, it's because I'm incredibly furious with him and yelled at him to help me. FOr instance - I can only do laundry when he's home, or if both kids are sleeping at the same time - which NEVER happens - and if it does, I'm going to take a NAP. (lol) In the same regard, I can only prepare meals when he's home, otherwise, it's something quick and easy, beacseu I can't leave Zach in the living room, he'll destroy everything. There's an opening in the wall above the counter, so I can see him, but I'd be forever yelling for him to stop or not touch etc etc etc... get off the table, blah blah... there's nothing breakable, except the glass doors on the tv cabinet, and the tv itself...but still.

There's toys EVERYQWHERE. Id on't mind, but when Zach goes to daycare, and when he goes down for the night, and his naps, I usually clean up his toys so that there is some semblance of peace... and so I don't trip everytime I want to go into the living room. Emilie can be a good baby - but when she wants attention, she watns attention. She wants to be held, bounced, etc... and that keeps her in a good mood, but when she's not, boy can she scr5eam.

I can only do groceries on certain days, because DH has the car on other days (not that I drive anyways) but going to the store with 2 kids and having to walk home with bags is NO FUN.Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, kwim??

So most nights, he gets home at 11pm (he works usually from 11:30am or so to 10:30pm or so) and chats with me for a while, then I go to bed, cuz I'm exhausted. Then he stays up and plays computer games or watches tv or whatever until God knows when, I'm sleeping when he comes to bed. And since Emilie is awake around 6:30am for the morning, he now thinks it's my duty to get up with Zach when he gets up at 7am instead of going back to sleep with Emile until 8:30 or so. Dh ALWAYS got up with Zach in the morning, he always said he didn't mind. So now, he gets up around 8am (I encourage Zach to play loudly... heh heh) and goes doewsntiars to paly computer games. I usually complain to him that I could use his help for a few minutes while I get food ready for the day, and he comes up to watch the kids...not like he has to do much, *HE* just sits on the couch and makes sure Zach doesn't throw something at EMile. What a guy.. *sigh*

So up he comes... and I go to the kitchen to chop up veggies, or get meat ready, or put stuff in the crockpot, or the oven, or get the mix ready for muffins, or pancakes, bread, meatloaf or whatever (when I make something, I make lots extra so that I can freeze and re-serve later on in the week or whatever) so that I can take as little time to get it ready to eat later on when he's not around. The last fe days, he's takin to going back to bed after he gets up, because he *didn't sleep enough*. So this morning, I got on his case because I haven't been able to do laundry or any extra meals for the last few days., I started yelling at him to grow up or get out. To his credit, he emptied the dishwasher. *sigh* So now, I'm debating whter to make a big chart with all the daily things that I do, and that he does, and have him pick and choose some of the thngs that I do that he can do instead of wasting both our time with him on the computer. Becaseu when he is on that thing, I can['t do much else without haveing a bigger mess to clean...kwim?

Simple things like moving clothes from the washer to the dryer, or filling and emptying the dishwasher... bringing the cltohes fromn the dryer upstairs so that it can be folded...once it's folded, bring up to the respecti e bedrooms to be put away... cutting up veggies for the week, the fruit... making sure the groceries are in order (meaning that we aren't running out of something critical...)

I have to fight with him for him to take his darn dishes from the coffee table to thek itchen (he esat at the coffee table instead of at the dining room table with Zach and I, because he simply must wawtch tv while eating.) And even then, he just plunks it down on the counterm, doesn't rinse it, or throw away any garbage on it - like napkin - and he definitely doesbn't put it in the dishwasher. When I ask him to clean up Zach after his meal, he just wipes his hands and his mouth - doesn't notice the food on his belly, or his hair, or in his ear...or on his tray, on the floor around his high chair, etc etc... and leaves it at that. Guess who gets the sticky finger makrs to clean? You got it! MEEEE!!!!!

He's pretty good at changing Zach's diaper though...but only after he *asks* me if I think he smells... erg. He has yet to change Emilie's diaper. I've asked himn to, he says he'll do it, I come into the room like 10 minutes lazter, he still hasn't done it, and she's starting to whine because she's wet. He says he's *scared* to. Come on!!! it's not like he has to go *in*, kwim?! ARG!!!! I haven't sat down for a meal in mohnths. I've made them, cleaned them...but gotten the cnace to eat it? Warm? Hah! I always put the food out, and DH can serve himself... he serves himself, then goes and sits in fron of the tv to eat. I serve Zach, then tend to Emile, then get ach something else because he refuses to eat what I've mead, then I might get a few quick bites in before Emilie's whining again, then DH has the gall toask me to try to keep her quiet, he's missing some of the storyline, so I grab her on my lap and bounce her on my lap while I get a few more bites in, then Zach throws his plate over his tray... so I have to get him something else... and it's like this EVERY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just so sick and tire d of playing moomy to him - it's time for him to grow up, or get out. We're pretty much through - I love him to death...but he's too much for me now. Between his lack of usefullness, and his messiness/lazinesss... he won't even look for a betterjob. He's working at a fast food place right now, making 8$ an hour. Which isn't bad, but he's got an engineering degree for Pwete's sake. It's not like companies aren't hiring Engineers!He counld be making 60K a year, and I could get a nanyy for a n hour or so each day to watch the ids while I get things done or even some teenager to watch them while I make dinner and a load of laundry... and he'd work normal hours, so that he'd ba around to watch Emilie while I bathe and put Zach to bed, or he could do it...

He cleans out the cat litter - this is how he does it - Every few days, he scoops the crap out...puts it in a box beside the catlitter pan. Once a week, he just dupms the whoe thing, and fills it again. Now me - Evertime I come down to do laundry, I scoop out the poop...because it really can smell down there. The litter pan is in the laundry roomn in the basement, and since it's enclsed, it can get pretty stinky quick...the cats stay downstairs, they don't come upstairs. Not much anyways. I don't let them - I don't want to have to clean the fur of of everything. (selfish, I know, and maybe a bit mean for the cats, but they have a big basement to play in, lots of carpet to destryo, and 2 futons to be comfy on, as well as the computer chairs - they have tones of climbing space, there's bookselves everywhere... and there's a window for them to sit at. - and hey - they get lots of DH's company to keep em entertained!!!) I haven't checked my emila in 1 week... and the time before that was 12 days. My box was full of jmunk, of course. I haven't really been online, becaseu the only time I can is when both kids are sleeping, or if DH is home, or if I just have Emilies, I take her downstairs with me... but still. Not a life I enjoy.

I'm taking Ativan now, because I am so high-strung. Dh asks me why I'm so stressed... and it's pointlsess to explain it to him - he just DOESN'T GET IT. My doctor referred me to a shrink - but when the heck would I have time to see her? MY only free night is Friday night - and I go out with my mom - she buys me an ice cream cone and we go see a movie. Lol! silly, I know, but if I don't get my ice cream cone from mthe mall and movie from my mommy, I go freaking nuts - cabin fever. Leav it to Dh to try to find a sttier so that *we* can go out on another night he's home, but no, he'd rather stay in. I can't go out with freidns, because DH won't watch both kids more than 2 hours or so (he says it's too much for him to handle - not like Zach isn't sleeping if I go out or anything, so really 1 kid to watch...) and our parent won't watch both of them, THEY say that Zach's too hyper. So there goes any chance I have of a social life...

I'm at my wit's end. I am very close to actually packing his bags for him...but I can't bring myself to do it... he woiund't really have any where to go. His parents now live in a 1 bedroom condo, his brother is in Alberta, he doesn't make enough money to support hisself, not with him continuing to pay the bills he's paying (which I'd make him continue to do) he wouldn't be taking the car with im, since I make all the payments so I can't bring myslef to do it. I know it would be better for me, but I really do love him.And I know he loves me, he's just immature and irresponsible, and I want to thrash him sometimes with a big heavy pan or bat... he is good with the kids when he actually takes care of them, Zach adores him and always tries to be like daddy, in his gigantic shoes and everything... but we don't have a life together anymore...we chit chat when hne gets home, mainly abvout his day and the kids... but then it's like he turns into a whole different person. And when he wants some, he expects me to drop whatever I'm doing and indulge him - like when the kids are being watche dbecause I have to deeop clean the main floor if company is coming over (like a client for my Mary Kay) he'll want to get frisky like 10 minutes before the clinet is supposed toa rrive... or he'll want to when I'm really tired and trying to sleep, or while both kids are napping on saturday and I'm trying to get as much cleaning/other stuff done while I can... but when *I* actually want to (a quick 10 mintues while both kids are sleeping in the middle of the night (he's awake anyways) or on Mondays when Zach is in daycare and Em's sleeping and I can take some time to slack off fro chorse... he's more interested in hcaving un-interrupted game time. Ugh!!!!

I am serously considering moving blankets and pillows to the futon in the basemtne so that one of us can sleep down there - it will probably be him by choice, he;'ll be so much cloer to his beloved computer... *sigh*

Something else that really bugs me about him - he gets this habit of asking me to do smoething while I'm doing somethin gelse. Liek when I'/m cleaning up after dinner - he'll ask me to get him a drink *while youre up* or ask me to take his plate for him *while Iyou're up*... and - Would you mind taking carfe of the mail for filing while you're filing your business stuff? Or - when you go downstairs, would yo umind washing my work uniform? I need it for 11 this morning...

I'm just tired of his antics. I want a husband, not a freaking teenager.
any suggestions?

coasterqueen replied: Wow, not sure. A list might work. At least he would see what you do vs. what he does and then maybe he will help out. Sometimes I think you can beat them over the head with a brick, but they will never listen

jem0622 replied: I think at this point you need a mediator/counseling because it's clear that your message for help isn't working.

HUGS

DH and me have opposite schedules and we are about to go down to one car (until we work things out with my parents for their older minivan). It won't be fun for either of us.

Julie

Boys r us replied: Wow..I agree..maybe just him SEEING what he does verses what YOU do will make him wake up! Good luck hun!

aspenblue1 replied: I like the list idea but I bet he still may not pay attention to it. Hopefully it works.

chloe&tysmommy replied: I hope things work out for you soon and hopefully your dh will wake up and see that he's not contibuting anything for the family and for you...

pinka_star replied: I'm sorry!!!! I think the list thing is a great idea, and some counseling as well. I hope he shapes up soon and starts helping out more. I know how it feels to do EVERYTHING.

jen replied: Well I would write him a letter. I mean a "you better come to your senses letter" tell him to use that computer and build a Resume and use his degree for god's sake! I would write a list of things you want changed. I'll tell you what worked with my husband. He had a bad habit of pretty much walking out his work clothes and leaving them on the floor, leaving his plate and dishes around, leaving his stuff out EVERYWHERE and I solved that by getting a big clothes hamper and everything that he left out EVERYTHING got thrown in there!!! Then when he wanted to go somewhere or do something with me I just simply said well go clean out your hamper! ha ha! Or if he couldn't find something he would go shuffle through it! HA! it solved things, he realized how much of a PIG he was! AS far as the litter box, i would absolutely lose it! I can't stand that. DH cleans out the litterbox everyday and if he doesn't our cats just use the floor right in front of the damn thing! so he HAS to or they TELL ON HIM!

I don't understand why he thinks you can do everything. That isn't fair. It sounds like he needs a healthy shot of ambition if he would rather flip burgers then use his degree, that is for SURE! He could be working 9 to 5 and have a life, KWIM? (((((HUGS))))) sweetie, I feel for you, I really do! I hope things get better! But I think you may need to FIRE things up a bit before that is going to happen, make him see what he is losing.

*I didn't mean for this to sound like I am just dogging out your DH but things like that really get to me because I know exactly how it feels! My first DH was the definition of LAZY WORTHLESS PIG! way worse than what you described your DH doing but it still rubs me the wrong way.

kimberley replied: i am sorry you are dealing with all this. you really need a break and DH needs to be more responsible. i think a list is a good start but may not solve anything. we have one collecting dust on my fridge i looked into counselling and it seems like it could help but we couldn`t afford it, nor do we have anyone to watch all 3 kids. they do have telephone counselling but it is about $100 per hour for one person and for both of you it has to be done face to face. i can whine to my friends for free lol. but something has to happen before irreparable damage is done to your relationship. write down all the things you expect from him, like get a real job, and don`t let it slide. keep showing him until he sees that you are serious. and you have to get out together and start reconnecting. it sounds like you both love each other, just the stress of raising small kids is pulling you apart. ((((hugs))))) i know how you feel and if you ever need to talk, i am here.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'm so sorry! I was hoping things had gotten better for you. I know how you feel. It is so hard with a new baby. My only savior is that Maddie is almost 4 and can do a lot on her own. Still, there are things I need DH for and he just isn't around very much to help. I realized a long time ago that there are things that just will not get done...I can only do my best. My house is a wreck as we speak and some nights I just don't cook dinner and we eat grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It sucks, but my DH works 6 days a week~13 hours a day. He is virtually never home to help. What makes it worse for you is that your DH is home (staring at you or doing his own selfish thing) THAT would drive me insane. And to top it off...he is creating more work for you by being there. You need to talk to him. Really talk to him and tell him how you feel and what you are going through. If you have to do this via counselor, go for it. I truly think you love him and he loves you...He is just clueless and doesn't want to get a clue right now. Why would he? He has someone to be his mother and do everything for him. You are way too nice. I could have never lasted that long. I hope it gets better. I really do.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I'm so sorry you are having a rough time with your DH right now! Wanted to offer my support to you! I think maybe you need to look at hiring a nanny part time to help you out! You're heading for a breakdown, believe me I've been there and I wouldn't want to wish it on anyone! You need to take care of yourself! Your post has hit so close to home I'm in tears right now, I feel so badly for you! Can you ask your mom to come and help out? I wish there was something I could do for you! You can email me anytime my email address is k.tilbury@shaw.ca I wish I lived closer to you, I would come and help you out! Hang in there, spring is on it's way and soon you can take your little ones to the park and enjoy the sunshine! Email me whenever you want I'm a pretty good listener!

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Thanks everyone... sometimes it helps to just get it out...



I gave him a piece of it when he called me on his break... tonight, we're staying up late to *talk* and figure things out. I tol dhim straightforward when he called: "if things don't shape up around here, you're going to have to start scheduling visits to see your kids."

He hopefullyy got it his time..i'm done fooling around.

I'll *try* to keep ya'll updated...

kimberley replied: good luck with the talk. i hope he straightens out.

kit_kats_mom replied: Maybe he needs a cave. We have katherine sleeping in our room so that my DH can have the other bedroom for his own use. Although he's a pretty neat guy and helps me a ton, that is his escape room where he can make a mess, leave crap everywhere etc. I just don't go in there...I don't clean in there or anything. The only reason I go into his room is to kiss him goodnight or to get the phone.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:

Oh Good! I'm glad you are going to get the opportunity to talk to him. You two just need some quality time together. Enjoy yourself tonight and don't be too hard on him. Try not to nag, but gently explain. Maybe that will get through to him. Usually if I talk to DH and tell him things like he is my best friend and not my bouncing board he listens more. Good luck, sweetie. Let us know how it goes!

2tikes_tootired replied: Wow, ya gotta lot on yer mind! I can relate. My husband believes that his day is done the moment he clocks out at work. So lucky him gets to work about 30hrs a week while I'm working 24/7.

Like right now, I have a sleeping two year old in my lap and my 4 yr old is on the bed behind me (computers in his room so he can play 'Tonka Town' LOL hey-it keeps him outa my hair for ten minutes!)

BUT WHY ..... because DH flat out refuses to help get them to bed, he doesn't cook (don't think he knows how), has never NEVER (not kidding) washed a dish in 7 yrs we've been together....he HONESTLY believes NONE of that is his job.

And so.....I have the job that never ends...it just goes on & on my friends....and once I started doing it not knowing what it was...and I'll continue doing it forever...JUST BECAUSE...I have the job that NEVER ends...It just goes on and on my friends
......

Lily replied: I'm really sorry he's not helping you. That's not fair. And you are right about the degree! How could he not use it?! That just doesn't make any sense. I don't know what to tell you except that you are right about needing and DESERVING help from your dh. You didn't make those kids by yourself. Hugs for now...I really hope you can get him to see what he's doing/not doing.

mckayleesmom replied: I would start this couseling session tonight by unplugging all his games and hiding them. If I had to I would stash them somewhere so he can't find them.