How would you respond to this? - Issue with dh

CantWait wrote: It turns out a few of Ron's friends are here on course, he hasn't seen them in forever.

So he comes home last night, and asks if I wouldn't mind taking the kids and leaving the house for a couple hours on Sunday so they could be alone and catch up. He thinks I will be out on the patio every minute butting in or that the kids will be butting in. He suggests I go to the matinee at the theatre, which is literally all there is to do here.

Now I thought this was a little rude. We have a huge house now with more then enough room for everyone, I didn't like the idea of him telling me to leave MY house so that his friends could come over, and I view is that we have kids and if they come peak every once in a while, then that's what happens, and they should understand that. Robbie would have no interest and I would take care of Anthony to leave them alone as much as possible.

I'm also upset at the fact that we never have alone time together, and everytime we get the chance (like when my mom was down) he doesn't take advantage of the oppourtunity. He did this in Toronto also which was one of the major reasons I decided to call things quits back then. Went out with one of his buddies 3 times before I came down to meet him, then went out with him once when I finally came down, and then when we finally went out, we went to the restaraunt where his friend worked and then out with his friend when his shift was over and didn't pay attention to me the whole night after.

I'm tired of taking third place to work and his buddies. Am I making to much out of this? How would you have reacted?

And if made it this far, thanks.

luvmykids replied: I'm sorry, I can't give any advice because that has always been one of our problems and I haven't figured it out either, just

CantWait replied:
Thanks

hawkshoe replied: I think I would tell him to leave the house. Honestly, it would be much more difficult for you to do and if he doesn't want you and the kids around him and his friends then he should be the one to make other arrangements.

CantWait replied:
That's what I told him

holley79 replied: Sounds like our DH and your DH are twins or something. I have no advice because I have yet to figure it out. Shawn has been to shows with his friends but he has yet to make the effort for the two of us to do anything alone. Oh I forgot we got that one night in Columbus, GA in a hotel by ourselves.

moped replied: I think my response would be:

You and your buddy go out to a bar or somewhere - I am not leaving my house

TheOaf66 replied: well it seems he is being a little selfish and sees his family as an inconvenience. I admit there have been times where I wanted to do something and having Tanner kind of put a wrench into those plans but I wouldn't trade what I have for anything and hey guess what, that is what happens when you have kids. I would say to just be honest with him but in a NICE way. Just state that is puts a hassle on you and you will do your best to keep them from being disturbed but there is no reason why you should have to leave. Hope this helps.

cameragirl21 replied: Oh man, I wish my mom would come and read these boards.
Don't take this the wrong way (any or all of you) but this is EXACTLY why I'm in no rush to get married and my mom nags at me daily about this.
Sorry but no man (or woman) is telling me to leave my house, especially if it's someone who expects me to clean that house and cook for him, not to mention giving birth to and raising his children.
As for putting his work first, I can sort of understand that because something has to pay for that huge house you speak of BUT no man who marries me would ever put his buddies before me and get away with it.
Next time he want sex tell him to hit up his buddies for a bj.
Sorry to be crude....
Take care,
Jennifer

CantWait replied:
Not crude at all.....

redchief replied: Hi Marie. I see two very distinctly different problems. One, you feel like you're being put out because Ron wants to have friends over - there are a couple of ways you can approach this, I'll get to them in a minute, because I see an opportunity for you two to communicate something important.

Two, you're feeling neglected and taken for granted. This is the more serious of the two problems IMO. I think that instead of taking a huge stand on the first issue, you might be better off taking this time to really talk about how you're feeling with him. I'd get him coming home today and say something along the lines of this, "Ron, could you come sit with me for a minute? We need to talk." (This is the question of doom for men, right Oaf? He'll come and sit down, I'm sure).

Make sure you won't have any interruptions for this. You'll probably need about 15 minutes or so, because he's going to have to think about what you're saying. Lay it out for him. Tell him that when he asked you to take the kids out so he could have some alone time with his buddies, you were at first angry that he didn't want you around while his friends were in the house. Tell him that after you thought about it, you realized this wasn't it at all, but that he was going out of his way (and yours) to make some alone time with his estranged friends, but that the two of you haven't had any alone time and you really need that. Tell him how isolated you've been feeling. I would leave the taking out of the kids for a couple of hours on the table as a bargaining chip to push him into realizing he needs some alone time with you too. Good luck.

mom2my2cuties replied: All I have to say is Ditto to Ed - By the way darn - you are good

luvbug00 replied: Well, My dad has poker meetings at my parents house and when i lived there we would simply stay upstairs while he and his buddies did their thing downstairs. I think you can stay home. Mya was upstairs with us watching movies.

5littleladies replied: I'll be honest-other issues aside-if it was me I'd probably just take the kids out like he asked. I wouldn't really think of it as a big deal if my hubby wanted some time at the house with just his buddies. But my situation with my hubby might be quite different from yours Marie. I hope you do get a chance to talk to him. It's a terrible feeling to be neglected.

C&K*s Mommie replied: On hand I agree with Jennifer that I would take the kids out and go if it were a one time thing. But since it seems to be a persistent habit of him to make you feel unwanted than I would stay put! He can leave the house, or they can stay but you should not be put out of your own house to accomodate guests.

TheOaf66 replied:
translation..."We need to talk about what you did wrong!"

A&A'smommy replied:
ITA been there done that!!!

kimberley replied: i would be upset too. first, if he wants alone time with the guys, go to the bar or somewhere else. geesh. don't kick kids out of the house!
as for the alone time, honey you are preaching to the choir. have you tried letting him know you are a bit tired of being taken for granted?? if he continues, my only advice is get out on your own. go to movies with friends, have real fun.. with or without him because it is so easy to slip into depression.. btdt a few times. we are here if you need to talk anytime.

gr33n3y3z replied: sorry Marie that stinks

Ed said it best bc we been there and done it

My2Beauties replied: I would flat out say no and sit my butt right at home. I'm conniving too when people make me mad so I'd make sure that the kids interrupted but that's just me I don't know why I am that way but I do not like to feel like second best when it comes to my DH.

ZandersMama replied: SMACK

CantWait replied:
I have talked to him time and time again. Like I said, this was just one of the few reasons that I decided to separate from him a couple years ago. I've also tried talking to him when my mom was up, it apparently hasn't sunk in. He just doesn't seem to care, or think that there's a problem. We go to the movie with the kids nearly every weekend, and he seems to think that's enough.

Kimberley, I wish I could just go out with friends, but being still new here, I don't know anyone. I have tried going to a couple different things at the base resource centre but I haven't met anyone there as of yet.

As for the depression, that has already hit AGAIN!!! I was doing great the first 3 weeks we were here, but it's really hit me hard again, like a ton of bricks.

He also doesn't want to go to a bar because he says it's hard to talk because of the thud thud thud of music etc...

kimberley replied: i wish you were back in toronto. i'd take you out anytime and you'd have family around. being isolated is not healthy and he really is being inconsiderate of your feelings. immaturity imo.

date night with the kids is sweet, but it won't keep your marriage together. i am sorry i don't have great advice for you. i just hope you can get through to him.

what about taking some general interest course? it is out of the house and you can meet people and get a sense of accomplishment when you learn something new.

coasterqueen replied: I'm not sure what to say because I've asked Dh to do that before for me. He's always been fine with it as long as I line something up for him to do with the kids. Either that if I can't line something up for them to do then him and the girls stay upstairs and my group of friends and I go to the basement knowing that they will not disturb us. He's asked me the same with his movie night and I oblige.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: and that, my dear, is one of the reasons i kicked my dh out.

Good luck.....

redchief replied: I'm sorry Marie, I didn't realize you'd already gone down the attempt to communicate road. I really don't have any more advice.

CantWait replied:
Don't be sorry Ed, but thank you.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I agree that you shouldn't have been asked to leave. I think you're right. You have children now and your DH should accept that. As for taking third place I think you and your DH need to sit down and talk about how you are feeling. Maybe he needs you to be direct and tell him "Honey you know when I went to Toronto and we ended up hanging out with your buds, I really just wanted to spend time with you!" Sorry DH and I are in marriage counselling, I'm starting to sound like our councellor. I hope things work out!