Hi - What would you do? Might get long.
DLR-DKR~ Mommy wrote: Hi, I have been a lurker for several months and I decided to join today.
Im Mary and I have two little boys. Dylan is 9 and Devan is 7.
I need some advice
I have been dating a guy for several months. He has two children .. ages 15 and 10. I seriously have tried everything to get along with these kids. They do not like that their daddy is dating someone and they are making it very hard on him and I. He is a wonderful father, but no matter what he does for these kids it seems its never enough.
Example: The 10 year old was over at my house over the weekend. Her and her dad went and did some shopping and she helped him out with some stuff he was doing for me. we were standing outside talking, and she freaked out and started crying, a huge temper tantrum and wanted to call her mom. she was yelling at him that he ignores her, and he only cares about me. We were not nor have we ever ignored his children or mine. He got her calmed down and the day went on.. later in the evening he came back after going to a friends birthday party and I was laying on the couch. He layed down with me for a second. She freaked again.. and wanted to call her mom. She ran into the bathroom crying and the same thing over he doesnt love her anymore and only pays attention to me. She calls her mom and makes a huge deal out of nothing... Her mom gets mad and comes to get her. she is yelling at him the whole way over.
This is just one of many episodes that have happened over the last couple of months that he has been seeing me. Everytime we are together she freaks if every moment of his time is not spent right with her. I dont know what to do.. I dont want to come in between him and his kids. I have felt like a lot of times that I should just walk away from it. He has assured me that its just because she isnt used to seeing him with anyone but her mom and its hard for her. Well, its hard for my kids too.. but they are not acting like this. We have tried to talk to her.
Im just at a loss, I have never seen a child behave this way before. I dont know if I walk away or put my foot down that he needs to discipline his daughter. I understand that this is hard for her, but I think there has to be better ways for her to deal with it than to make everyone else's life miserable. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.
mary
C&K*s Mommie replied: I have zero answers for you. But I wish you well in whatever comes about. Hopefully someone on here will be able to give you some answers. The members here are always full of great advice. BEST WISHES!
mom2three replied: hi, this is NOT a new thing. they aren't wanting you and daddy to get along. as far as the kids are concerned YOU are the enemy. they have the "mom and dad will get back together" fantasy going on in their head, and since they see that daddy likes you, they will continue to torture you. dad needs to set the kids down and let them know that he loves them very much, but that he and their mom will not be getting back together. Period. then, he must tell the kids that You are going to be in his life, whether they like it or not, and they must be respectful, and not blame you. have him emphasize that he loves them Very much... divorce is difficult... hope this helps you. e
DLR-DKR~ Mommy replied: Thanks ladies, we have seriously tried everything. We have talked to them together (him and I) and he and their mother. He and I had a long talk at lunch and we both agreed that something has to give. I dont want his children to dis-like me but your right, they are seeing it as Im the one keeping him from coming back home. They have only been divorced for a year. So its still kind of new. I hope we can work something out, but its really not looking good at all. He has a problem with discipline alot of times and allows them to disrespect him. Which I dont agree with, but who am I to tell someone else how to raise their kids?
fashionmumofboys replied: I'm sure his children just want the dad to be with their mother and cannot handle another woman in their dad's life at the moment. I'm sure things will get better in time.
Sorry, you are going through this. Hang in there.
Insanemomof3 replied: I have a 10 year old daughter that lives with her dad. She was telling me just last night that she doesn't want him to date ANYONE. The only person she wants him to be with is me. Of course, I am in a relationship and have 2 boys here so that can't happen. But she still keeps hoping that it will. (I have not been with him for over 8 years.)
All I can suggest is maybe when he has his kids you guys don't touch? Not fair, I know, but maybe just until she gets used to you being around. Or maybe only see each other when she is not around? (Not sure how much he has his kids, or if that is an option.)
Hope things get better for you.
holley79 replied: Hi Mary and Welcome. I started dating my DH when his son was 10 also. He has been divorced and remarried but still his son gave me a run for me money. Do you know what any of her intrests are? Maybe you and her can go do someting together and your BF can take the boys and do something together. Maybe this would give you time to get to know her a little bit better and vise versa.
It's always so hard when other children are involved. My stepson is now 17 and there are times he still likes to play the "You love her more then me card". It doesn't help when the other parent is adding to it and making it harder.
I wish you the best of luck.
luvmykids replied: When DH and I started dating his daughter was 4 and we got a long great; she used to say she wished I was her mom. Now shes 11 and we've been married 5 years but she's decided she's not ok with that. He feels guilty and has a hard time calling her on it (although in general she is an awesome kid). Have you tried a counselor? Sometimes these things can change and sometimes they don't, but I'd say it's better to know now, IMO. Even if he won't go you may get some helpful advice from a pro.
How does she get along with your boys?
My sympathies to you, and best of luck! Hang in there!
Momof3inMe replied: I have been in your place before. My DH have been together for almost 5 years and Married almost 2. He was a single dad of 3 kids when we met and now we only have my 2 boys and our little girl. We had to do lots of little talks and lots of small group things so that everyone was happy. We still have some problems but we sat everyone down one day and just told them how it was going to be and that we are the adults and we call the shots.
I would say just keep doing the same things over and over and they will come around in time.
Freckled Momma replied: All the other ladies have given you some very good advice. I just wanted to say Hi and welcome to the board and hope you like it here!
I hope things work out for ya'll...I can't imagine how hard that is for everyone involved.
CantWait replied: Sorry I have no advice, I just wanted to offer you guys my best
sillisha replied: everyone has given great advice......i also suggest spending some time with this girl one on one and as a "family" doing things......have a game night ...go for walks and for one on one u take her shopping,,,,,,preteen and teens can be emotional and diffecult about their parents being involved with a new relationship,especially girls.maybe even cut down (dont stop completely)on the displays of affection(cuddling included) in front of her till she gets to know u.Good luck!
DLR-DKR~ Mommy replied: Really great advice -- thanks ! I have tried to do things with her one on One she has no use for it. If he leaves for 5 minutes to go somewhere she wont even stay with me. I have never been mean to her.. she has no reason to be afraid of me or anything.
We really dont touch when the kids are around... it can be something as simple as him standing in the kitchen talking to me while Im cooking dinner. It will set her off. She needs him to be right in her face/right beside her at all times. I have really never seen a child sooooo attached to a parent. She freaks out. I told him he needs to get her involved in something. Her mom has a boyfriend that lives with them .. and as far as I know she isnt this way with her mom. She really has no friends that we know of.. kind of a loner kid that only wants her dad. I know that sounds weird but its true. She isnt your normal 10 year old. I agree whole heartedly that she needs to see a counselor .. she has some issues that we as parents cant deal with on our own. She has alot of anger from the divorce still. He hasnt dated anyone since the divorce .. so Im the first one she has had to deal with. SHe is used to having him all to herself.
I think she is looking for attention.. and it doesnt matter what kind of attention it is. She wants a reaction out of him. She wants him to come running when she gets angry. I have told him that he cant. She has to realize that temper tantrums are not the way to get what you want. Temper tantrums in my opinion have to be ignored.. if they get what they want when they throw them then they will associate them with getting what they want. I dont allow it from my boys.
sillisha replied: sounds like u have a good handle on the situation,sort of,your right ,dad cant reward her bad behavior by going to her when she acts up.....maybe u and dad and maybe even mom could talk to her about it,i wouldnt give up on trying to do things with her.next time she tries to go when dad goes to the store ask her to hang out with u..........be patient sooner or later if u and her dad are staying together she will have to accept it and she will probally come around.....wish u the best of luck. ...teens!!!!!!!
sillisha replied: just reread.ur first post.....not a teen but close.......maybe a bit spoiled?
DLR-DKR~ Mommy replied: A whole whole lot spoiled. She is his only boilogical child. The other daughter he raised since she was 2 so she is just like his... but its never the same as it is when its your own. Did that make sense? LoL I hope she starts to come around I seriously dont know how many more fits I can take... it happens everytime.
Her mothers boyfriend came over with her mom that night and jumped out of the car all like he wanted to fight or something cause she was angry. its just a huge mess and they should have way more class than that. I cant have all the arguing and fighting around my children its just not a good environment for them.
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