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FIL is a jerk....


MyLuvBugs wrote: So, DH went to the store to exchange a fuel filter that was the wrong size, and his Mom and Dad call him on his cell. First his mom starts in on how we should just move in with them in March, b/c there's more jobs in Phoenix than in Nebraska. rolleyes.gif Whatever!!! I know she means well, but butt the heck out....
ANYWAY....

So then....his Dad starts in.....
For a little background, DH is building a website (pretty cool) for a friend of his dads, and the guy is LOVING it!!

So, his dad says that DH isn't working fast enough on it and that he's making him look bad in front of this other guy b/c He told this guy that DH could have it done in a hurry. mad.gif WTH!!!! growl.gif

DH is working on it 5-10 hours everyday, and websites take a BIT of work. Also, he's having to do alot of this stuff long distance, and the guy isnt' great about returning phone calls. So, it's taken a month, but that's not ALL Dh's fault. KWIM? So WTH? Where does his dad get off saying that to him!! growl.gif

DH is already upset b/c of this job situation, and when he came home he was almost in tears. He actually said "I really think I hate my father now." sad.gif

He's such a jerk!!!!! growl.gif I just don't understand how he can say that to his own son. mad.gif

mckayleesmom replied: Tell him from now on to tell his father to butt out....This is a business deal between this guy and your him. If the guy wants it done faster...he needs to be available for questions and ideas.

MyLuvBugs replied: Well, and the guy that he's building the site for called yesterday, and was excited about it all, and had a whole bunch of changes to make and some added features he wanted. So that takes time, and he said he realizes it. He seems ok with it. But the FIL is worried about HIS rep, and want DH to be at HIS beck and call for computer issues. mad.gif It just upsets me how when he calls DH and I both are supposed to stop everything to help him with whatever he needs, and how he thinks he's the center of the universe or something. growl.gif

CAMSMOM1 replied: My DH, Justin, and his Father work together everday. My husband is a manager of his store, and his father is his supervisor. When it comes to work, they have to be "professional" but it doesn't always happen that way. His Dad will bring in personal things, or say things to Justin that he would never say to another employee. So many times, his Dad has crossed that line, and they have got in some major blow-out fights. Bring my husband to tears, and many times, he can't stand his Father because of it. But now, since he's been working with him like this for many years, he is starting to learn how to NOT make it personal, and realize it's a job, and he has to take it with a grain of salt. He has a great Dad, just not when it comes to business or money.

I know that your DH is having a hard time as it is, being that he is looking for work, and for a man, that can be difficult to deal with. And a man needs that respect and appreciation from his Father. He wants to make his Dad proud. And your FIL isn't showing him that, and is being very selfish IMO. It's sad, when business can put a strain on a relationship.

Maybe it's time for your husband to talk to his Dad. Obviously, your FIL has no problem speaking what he's feeling. And this is a business deal between your husband and another person, not his father. And as long as this other person is happy & understanding of the process, then that should be enough. And maybe this will open your DH's eyes, and know that mixing business with his Dad isn't a great idea.

I have seen first hand, how difficult this is between a father & son, working together and doing business. It has brought a lot of pain to my husband, and I know that it's not a good thing. It's time for your DH to talk to him, and try to set some things straight. And the sooner this is over, the better.

Keep us posted. grouphug.gif

Ann
sunflower.gif

MyLuvBugs replied:
Yeah that's easier said than done. I tell him ALLLLLL the time that he needs to stand up to his dad, but he really has no balls (sorry if that offends anyone) when it comes to defending himself. I'm the one that fights for myself, and him, and Lorelei. He just sorta sits there and takes it. blink.gif huh.gif

And you're totally right...the FIL isn't in the contract between DH and this other guy, but b/c FIL and this other guy are friends....he's made it his business. KWIM? It's totally annoying. But he does this ALL the time. This is really just the latest occurance. Usually, he just calls DH and makes him do computer stuff for him but never pays him for it. mad.gif

I told DH if his dad says ANYTHING to me reguarding work, money, etc. while were down there at the wedding next week. I'm NOT going to be nice in my response. This man needs to be put in his place, and no one seems to want to do that! He's just got the worst people skills and NEVER takes into consideration peoples feelings. FOR INSTANCE:

When we were out there in November we had a Thanksgiving dinner. MIL had spent ALLLLL day cooking it. Everything was beautiful and smelled great. FIL puts food all over his plate before the rest of us, takes a bite of the turkey, and then says infront of the entire family and extended fam..."Can you pop this in the microwave the turkey's cold. Are you sure it was done?" To his own wife!!!! She grabbed his plate, and went into the kitchen crying. I spoke up and said, well Mine is perfect the way it is, but still the damage was done. There was nothing wrong with the turkey! He's just got no brain cells when it comes to dealing with other peoples emotions.

CAMSMOM1 replied:

Well, for a husband to say that to his wife, and not care that she is crying, is not only insesitive, but selfish. He sounds like a person who doesn't think before he speaks, and doesn't care what the after effects are. And even if you do say something to him, or your DH, it won't change the way he is. He will continue doing what he's always done, because that's him and he's stuck in his ways.

So since you know this is who your FIL is, you just have to set boundaries. And mostly, that's up to your husband. He has to not take on these projects for his father, and he has to draw a line in the sand...and if that makes his father mad, so be it. I know he loves his father, and I'm sure he knows if he does say something, it wont change him. But he doesn't have to subject himself to this kind of treatment. He can still love his father, and have a relationship with him, but with boundaries. No more computer work, and if there is, your DH has to say, "This is how the deal is going to be...xyz...and that's it. I'll take it from here." And don't allow his Dad to be apart of the process.

I'm sorry, this is a difficult situation. There's no easy solution. Either way, someone's bound to get hurt. And it's family, which makes this even more difficult. And you can't change who your family is, but the hard part is learning how to except them and make it all work together. I wouldn't suggest that you say something to your FIL, even though you are effected by it. This is really up to your DH, and over time, I hope he will speak up and find some common ground with his Dad. hug.gif

Ann sunflower.gif

C&K*s Mommie replied: I agree with Ann on this. It is not your place to step in with your DH on one side and your FIL on the other, when the tensions rise. Mostly, because this will be in the back of your mind, if something that makes you angry is said. When this is on your mind, there may be many things that may not only embarrass you, but can cause you to be shunned from the family. I understand that you want to step in for your DH when he has taken a step back, any loving wife would, but as Ann said this is between your DH and his father. If he has a problem he needs to confront him- himself. By the sounds of it, his father saying hurtful things is nothing new, which could be indicative of something in your DH.

I think we all have people that speak before thinking, in our families. I know I do. Those in the family have simply overlooked it rolleyes.gif , and I should not be any different. I would never confront that person, or say anything to them. They probably grew up with people doing the same to them, and there is no reason I should expect them to change now.

If the other person is happy-- woohoo.gif for your DH putting ALOT of effort forth to make him that way. So be it, with your FIL. All the thank you's will go deservingly to your DH, not to your FIL. Maybe your FIL is thinking he is motivating your DH, but he is not, if he is working 5-10hrs/day on it, come on! Either way all the praise will be for your DH, for working sooooo very hard. thumb.gif

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
This is how my in-laws act. It's pathetic. They're like.. suburbanized red-necks.

DH has been seriously advised (after mimicking his father's behaviour) that ESPECIALLY when we have guests over, he gets off his arse and HELPS me get the stuff ready. That includes setting the table, seating the guests, making sure they have everything they need - and to serve himself last, along with me. Well, he can put the food on his plate as the dish is passed around - but if I see one bite in his mouth before the guests, he gets heck afterwards.

What really bugs me - MIL always serves in plates and brings the plate to you - she always puts too much... and always serves her dh first. SHouldn't you serve your guests first? Isn't that how it's suppsoed to go?

Bad enough he was raised with no table manners.... he doesn't have to impose them on other, properly mannered people.

I feel for your MIL. THat was just plain RUDE of your FIL.

MyLuvBugs replied:
Well, I disagree with both of you. Go figure, right? rolleyes.gif But I wasn't going to step in and defend my husband out of the blue. Sorry if you got that impression.

But FIL has a tendancy to say things to me that hurt, and I've been just blowing them off to be nice, but I'm not going to do that so much anymore. I don't let others treat me like that, not even my own family, so why have I been letting him treat me like that. huh.gif I realize that I'm new to their family, but if I'm going to be accepted, I want to be accepted for who I am and not who I pretend to be. KWIM? huh.gif

I'm not saying I'm just going to pick a fight. I'm not like that. But I won't say anything unless provoked by him with a comment. He does need to learn that what he says hurts people, and with noone telling him when he's done something wrong, how is he ever to learn. Maybe over time, he'll start to actually THINK before speaking. Let's hope anyway. blink.gif

I'll definately keep you all posted if anything happens. laugh.gif

MyLuvBugs replied:
You're totally right Rocky. It's proper manners to serve your guest first. It's also proper manners to wait until everyone has their food before eating. smile.gif But some people just.......were never taught it, I guess. rolleyes.gif

After dinner I told my MIL that dinner was wonderful, and that I was really sorry FIL had said that. She said he does that all the time, and told me of their first Thanksgiving when He said infront of HIS parents and HER parents, that the dishes needed to be cleaned off b/c they had some dust on them. She said she was so embarassed. sad.gif I feel so bad for her sometimes. sad.gif

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I'm sorry to hear this...in-laws can be rough. I hope your DH can work it out with your FIL and maybe be the one to finally tell him how awful his behavior is towards everyone. I personally wouldn't step in. It's not being untrue to yourself IMO. Sounds like the family had these issues with FIL, according to your MIL, long before you came along, so I would let them hash it out on their own and just support your DH as best you can. Hang in there, k?

I think it was a nice offer of your MIL (to have you live with them for awhile), but I can understand why it would hurt your feelings too. hug.gif

CAMSMOM1 replied: .

I really don't think that will help. It may help you to get it off your chest, but I don't think it will change the way your FIL speaks, treats people, ect. He sounds very stuck in his ways, and I don't see that changing.

But I do think you both need to set boundaries with him. So he knows what is acceptable and what's not. And that your DH needs to seriously consider doing work for him in the future. But again, that's his decision.

Trust me sweetie, I've been in your shoes. That's why I said what I said, because I have told my FIL stuff before, and it didn't change things. Sorry I couldn't support you more in this, just trying to give you some insight from what I learned.

Hope this gets better for you both soon. hug.gif

A&A'smommy replied: Sorry I haven't responded yet I didn't know what to say... I think I agree with you though if you have put up with enough and he's hurtful and mean then I would say something to defend my husband, or mil next time he decides to make an unnecessary comment!!! hug.gif hug.gif I think most people go problems with their in-laws at some point and for those of you who haven't your LUCKY!! tongue.gif hug.gif I hope you guys get things worked out!!!

C&K*s Mommie replied: Rae and Ann said what I was trying to convey in my nonsense post above. I still believe that it is not your place to step in (not literally) in between your FIL and DH. Your DH is a grown man, he should be able to handle his own affairs with his father. Overall, I wish you all the best with your relations with your FIL-- but as I also said above it is your DH that deserves all the praise over his hard work.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: You know what:

Toxic In-Lwas - by Susan Forward. Great Book.

Taught me that my MIL's "hurtful" comments weren't relaly meant to be hurtful - but rather that she is a teactless womanthat doesn't realise her comments are hurtful.

Ansewring things like: Did you Mean to say that out loud?

or: saying "ouch" and walking away

or: just smiling and waling away

are sometimes more powerful than actually telling them somethin was hurtful - cuz then they'll just poohpooh it as if it was nothing and we overreacted.

I would recommend that book "almost" to the level I'd recomment Dr. Phil. wink.gif happy.gif

MyLuvBugs replied:
rolling_smile.gif rolling_smile.gif rolling_smile.gif That made me laugh. Too funny. smile.gif

The book is totally right, and I'm so sarcastic most of the time, that I'd probably to the "ouch" one, and follow it up with a snide remark about something they'd done. rolleyes.gif I'll definately look into getting the book though.
Thanks!!


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