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Devastated and scared... (Long) - My daughter's experience with the Net (l


Pacifc Coast Mom wrote:
I'm new here. I was searching for a forum which may help us, but after viewing the content of the current messages....they are tame in comparision to our situation. But here goes.

My lovely daughter turned 12 on Thanksgiving. Last night, my oldest daughter, (20 yrs) and I were up late and I was scanning all the family desktops with our spyware and adware removers, which I do every few days. I have not been the same since. I'm been almost physically sick, emotionally upset and overwraught with what we found, and how to handle it in the best way. My dear husband doesn't know yet.

I know I've probably peaked your interest, and you have probably guessed right on what we found, but before I go there, a little history. My 12 year old is an A and B student in 6th grade, and an outstanding athlete who plays forward on her elite soccer team. She doesn't dress provacativley, swear, or hang out with a bad group. She's what I would describe as an all american girl type. We've had "the talk," to a certain extent, and of course she's gone through the classes at school. I'm quite open, so she knows she can ask me anthing, and I'll find an appropriate way to answer.

So last night I was scanning the "cookies," and looking to see where she had been, since she had so many adware, and spy threats attached to her screen when I scanned it. It became clear that amongst the normal music sites and "girly" sites, she had visited several....(ok, gulp, I can barely say this) porn sites.

Now I have my security up very high, and I also have certain words in the alerts, which are supposed to stop certain content from getting through, but, and you are going to yell at me, I know it......I don't have a parent program -- because I didnt' think I needed it. (I know it's stupid) But I trusted my daughter. We are very close...or at least I think we are. I never needed it with my other daughter.

The worst part -- I'm actually very computer savy since I've worked with them in my professional life for years. I wouldn't let her have an email address until about three months ago, and then was pressured by her friends, and their parents! I thought it was an open invitation to problems.

There are also several pics of teen males, who look to be between 16 and 18 in her saved files, as well as conversations she saved. We read everything, which was just chatter -- nothing out of the ordinary. She also has about 150 names in her AOL Buddy message lists, most of whom she said before came from her school friends, giving them to her and everyone else. When I asked her about them, since she was using my desktop this week also, she said, "oh mom, they are friends." I said, no, they aren't, -- you don't know them.

But the very worst are the three downloaded 2 min sex videos which we found in her recycle bin. (no, she didn't empty it -- yes, stupid for her, good for us). I don't know if someone sent them to her, or if she was able to get them herself. We copied everything and emailed it to ourselves and deleted her files.

So I am a complete mess. I feel like her innocence is gone, and my beautiful daughter is not who I thought.....And why has she done this???? If it was a boy, I actually could relate better to it. Which I suppose is wrong, but I'm surrounded by macho type men in our circle - hence I've heard about it with their sons.

My older daughter is furious, and we came up with a plan. We are going to talk to her on Sunday, since Sat is a championship game, and we also won't be together until them again. (She works on Sat) We are going to confront her with what we've found and ask her why. We are going to tell her Dad, but also say he can be there, but we need to handle it -- because he will fly off the handle and start yelling. I'm thinking she is going to be completely mortified and embarassed, or at least I hope so!

I've never been robbed or burglerized, but you know the people who have it happen and then go get the alarm.....????? Well, that's me. I'm going to get one of the top parent programs and get it on by Sunday. Why didn't I do it sooner? I'm so stupid!!

She isn't home alone for more than an hour or two at most as we come and go with work, and other errands, and that is only once a week at most. I'm a graduate student and work my hours around her. She usually is doing her homework, or watching tv. But she does go on the net to talk with friends, and play games. Chances are, we were all here when this happened -- which is even more disturbing.

My oldest says, "Mom, quit blaming yourself....she KNOWS she isn't supposed to be doing this." But I do feel like it's all my fault and I'm supposed to be such a good mother by all intents and purposes, but look what's happened.

So, we think 6 months of no computer unless it's for homework, and monitored. No AOL messenger service. And while we are at it -- locking her out of some of the music channels on cable tv she likes to watch. Deleting the list of buddy names in the messager service and having only her closest friends on it. And in regards to the Pics of boys......finding out who the hell they are and who sent them. Somehow.

If they have targeted her, I need to figure out what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated. What punishment would you give. Does ours sound like enough? How should we approach the whole "we busted you scheme," and how do I get through this? I'm Catholic, so you can bet I've been asking for all the help I can get from above. I just feel like I've let her down and vise versa.

Sorry for the length, but I didn't see another way considering the topic.

Thanks so much,

SGS and SCS on the Paciific Coast

bawling.gif

kit_kats_mom replied: 13 is an age of curisosity and emerging sexuality in young girls (at least it was for me). Not sexual activity, but I was very curious. I clearly remember looking at my step dads mags (no computers back then LOL) to see how adult naked women and men looked. I dont think that the porn is so bad, but I would be concerned about the conversations that she may be having. I would not punish her, that would just cause sexual guilt and confusion and she will still find a way to look at sites. I'd just have a frank, honest discussion with her about it.

Josie83 replied: I don't think punishment is the answer. don't think you should make her feel ashamed, it may lead to her having problems in the future. Have a talk with her - my family are Cathlic and had v oppressive views about that sort of thing, and so I know its difficult but you need to let her know that you'll be there for her xx

MommyToAshley replied: I have to agree with the others. I don't think punishment is the answer, I am sure she is already going to be mortified and embarrassed when you talk to her. It might even be better if you talk to her just one-on-one so she is more comfortable and might be more willing to talk to you. I think the pictures and videos just have to do with curiosity, like Cary said. Now would be a good time to have an open conversation, not make her feel ashamed. But, it is important to let her know why you feel it is wrong.

However, I would definitely be concerned about the chat programs though. A lot of pedophiles target kids this way. I would get those parental programs installed and have a serious talk to her about chat programs and the fact that there are some people out there that are not who they seem in chat.

smullin replied: When I was young about that age my parents got AOl and my brother and I use to chat with people. NOw I know that people you aren't even chatting to will im you and send you pics. Not knowing you can click on them and accidently get this totally disgusting picture or video of something. My brother and i use to mess with people. They would start saying nasty things and we would make up something to say back. We would have friends over and mess around with them on AOL. It is very easily done. Don't think all you find is as serious as you think. By finding it on your computer don't think she just didn't remember to save it a disk. She problay didn't know what she was opening untill she opened it. Explain to her how people are online and how she can be doing more then just joking around with people.Any questions ask me?? I did plenty of messing around online when I was young. I would put her on kids only and she can just chat with kids. That is what my dad did after my friend signed up for playgirl. Yeah that is what my friend did on my computer. I was so mad and I got in trouble for it. Kids are young and immature remember that. blink.gif They don'tunderstand the world fully and it is up to you to help them understand it better.

Sarah
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5littleladies replied: I want to preface my post by letting you know that I am a Christian and I think pronography is a bad thing. However I have to say I agree with what everyone else is saying. She is still quite young and I remember being very curious about sex when I was her age. I did know things like that were wrong but I wanted to know what it was all about so my friend and I snuck into her brothers room and looked at his porno magazines or we would sit down with an encylopedia and look for pictures with naked body parts. My mother found out and sat me down and talked to me about it openly and honestly and told me to never do it again and I didn't. Unfortunately the internet makes it far too easy for young people to have access to that kind of thing. I have 3 daughters-none as old as your 12 year old but if our situations were reversed I would do this-I would sit down and talk to her-not having the older sister there, this is a personal issue and I don't think she needs to be there-and I would talk to her frankly about what she has been doing, discuss her curiosity, and let her know that what she has been doing is not allowed. I honestly don't know if I would punish my girls for this-I probably would but not to the extent that you are suggesting. She is going to be very embarassed and that in itself may be enough. I would download some kind of parental program and I would definitely monitor her chatting.



Maddie&EthansMom replied: I just have to agree with what everyone is suggesting here. When I was reading your post my mind immediately returned to the 13 year old curiousity state. I remember being there so vividly. These ads pop up everywhere online and what 13 year old wouldn't want to see it? I also agree that I wouldn't take the chatting lightly. As far as the punishments you have listed go, I consider them more 'rules and guidelines' that should have been put in place a long time ago. You have the chance to enforce them now. Not as punishments, but as rules.

You are a good mom for checking in on your daughter. You have done nothing wrong. Our job as parents is to teach and not control. Teach her, but don't try to control her. wink.gif She is human and we are naturally curious. There is nothing wrong with that, but do let her know that bad things happen to good girls. As far as her being a porn addict....I don't think you have any worries. I can see your concern and pain. I'm sorry you had to find out in such a way, but I'm so glad you found out NOW!

Pacifc Coast Mom replied:

Hi Again:

Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and guidence. Number one, I was able to sleep last night because I was able to write about it, and number two, after reading your posts, I feel so much better and I agree with all of you and I am going to talk with my older daughter and approach it differently when we talk to the younger one.

We aren't going to tell Dad now, and not have him there when we talk. I think you all were right and I hadn't thought about it being an accident that she received these things. About the curiosity -- I agree, and it's so different now, kids are being exposed earlier and earlier. The advice that the punishments would be guidelines are good too.

I would never want to mess her up for later life by making her feel guilty so we will handle "with care." But we are going to try and see who the teen males in the pics are, and who sent them.

I know the post was long -- and I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read it and answer. It means so much! I will be back to visit often.

Lovingly,

SGS, Seattle, WA

MommyToAshley replied: Sounds like you have a good plan. I'll be thinking of you, let us know how the talks go!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Yes, please let us know how it goes and we would love for you to visit often! thumb.gif

jolene555 replied: I totally agree with everyone here. She apparently is curious, and IMHO going about it the right way. At least she's looking at things that will not hurt her rather than participating in acts, you know???

I will tell you about a run in we had with my niece when she was about 13. My sister had all the parent stuff on her computer, and did regular checks. Well, Erica (my niece) was allowed to use AIM to talk to friends from school. She ended up in chat rooms and was approached by a middle aged man. They talked off and on for MONTHS, and he taught her how to work around the security. Luckily my BIL, who is a computer programmer, did an extencive search one day and found archives of these conversations that showed eveidence of this man knowing where they lived. That was it. She was banned from the computer for a year, no messenger ever again, he would do weekly cleanouts on her machine, which was moved into the family room and out of her bedroom. Even now, though, she's 15 and just got into trouble last year for working around her school's firewalls and chatting with someone that way. She's apparently very determined.

So, I think that any messengers or chat programs are completely inappropriate for anyone that age. They aren't mature enough to understand that they are literally hunted online. I know she says that it is just for friends, but I know I said the same thing and so did Erica. It's just not worth the risk. Tell her to use the phone, lol.

WillandFinn'sMom replied: I'm glad you've decided to go about it differently. I agree with the others. I was very curious at that age, too. I saw things I probably shouldn't have (magazines, books, etc) and I would have been absolutely mortified if I knew that my mom knew about it.

I'm not sure if I just wouldn't put the software on and tell her you're putting it on to keep her safe. She can know that you know without having to get it all out in the open and be mortified. I'm afraid any confrontation may make her feel guilty about her sexual feelings and that's not a good thing.

If you do tell her that you found things, I for sure wouldn't tell her that her dad knows.

Poor girl; I really feel for her. But of course, you're right to make sure she doesn't have access to any of it anymore.

Good luck. Try not to feel too awful about it. I was still pretty innocent and very much a child even after I saw and read the stuff I did.

jcc64 replied: Hi and welcome to the board,
I feel for you. I have a son the exact same age as your dd. We have been dealing with this issue as well. Dh, who is very tech savvy (unlike myself) occasionally monitors ds' AIM chats and website visits (unbeknownst to ds). He discovered some really raunchy stuff coming out of my darling child's mouth. Apparently, he chats with "robots", machines designed to emulate humans, and the favored activity involves saying the vilest, most disgusting things possible to elicit some sort of comical reaction from the computer (which hysterically keeps responding, "I do not understand.") I was devastated that my son even knew what some of these things he was talking about existed at the tender age of 12. I flipped out, but after speaking with dh, decided it was pretty harmless experimentation and thank god he had the good sense to be saying it to a machine and not some poor pre-pubescent girl. His chats with actual people so far have been much tamer and age appropriate. So far, haven't found any porno, but I'm sure that day will be coming soon.
I agree with the others that most of it is age appropriate experimentation. I definitely would back off from teh excessive punishments (will only make her sneaky, trust me), and instead use the opportunity to open the door to frank and ongoing discussions about safe web usuage. I pound it into my son's head about predators and pedophiles, again and again and again. You can't just say it once and be done with it. But I don't want to be so heavy handed with my punishments and rules that my kids become consummate liars (like I was at their age).
Good luck, keep posting- maybe we can help each other out.
And btw- I would definitely leave the older sis out. It's really none of her business, and I'm curious why she's so over involved in this?

gr33n3y3z replied: I will say this
Dont jump off the boat
Many music sites not naming them and other teen sites do have those come up with pop ups ..... Just because porn shows up in those programs doesnt mean she has been there looking. But I'm not saying she hasnt either.
I visit alot of downloadable music sites and they are all over the place.
Your best bet is just sit down and talk to her about it and see what she says about it.
An example I went looking for those little pics you put next to your name here take a guess what came up with it..... You got it.
Good Luck!!
If you want to keep a better eye on what your daughter is doing they make programs that show what they are typing stroke by stroke and it shows pics of the places they have been.

Pacific Coast Mom replied: [FONT=Times][SIZE=7]

Dear Board Members:

Wow, this really is a very cool site. I received an email saying I had another response and I was so impressed.

I wanted to let you know that all is well. We didn't really do a "sit down" talk. It was kind of weird, but I had all these opportunities pop up, which were perfect to just talk to her. Like in the car, and when we were watching tv alone, etc, etc.

As a result, I was able to ask her about the items on the computer in a non-judgemental and non-threatening way, and she responded openly and with no resentment. No, "OH my God mom, you are spying on me, or MOM how could you" None of that. She was very sweet and calm and so was I.

As it turns out, of course, it was never as bad as I had imagined -- and believe me, I'm a writer and I can imagine "big." She had video clips on the computer because she and a girlfriend, and she says the friend was instrumental in it, wanted to send a boy they didn't like, a message from a site the girlfriend thought was called "Asxhxxle something. Instead, they started to get pop ups like crazy on the screen and were terriified. As they tried to click them off, they said they hit something and downloaded the videos -- but swear they didn't mean to. So whether they meant to or not, at least by her actions, she seemed to realize it wasn't something she should of been doing. Which is good, in my book.

As for the pics of older guys I didn't recognize. They were sent by an older sister of friend she was chatting with. They turned out to be the guys she had dated, or thought were "cute."

All more innocent than I had imagined. rolleyes.gif

I now have several programs that I run on her screen that rid it of spyware, adware, and let me know where she has been in log form. I am also ordering a parental control program in the near future to add on as well, but I'm reviewing them first.

Thank you all for all your comments. I love this site. And I will be back. wavey.gif

Best regards,

Pacific Coast Mom in Seattle


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