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Daughter doesn't want to go to wedding


chattycathy wrote: Hi, everybody, I'm new here. My youngest daughter was a late baby. She's 12 now, almost 13. I'm the oldest of six, so that means all her cousins are either much older or much younger.

One of my nephews is getting married in October, and "Susie" says she doesn't want to go. In fact, she refuses. I don't have a choice about this, because the wedding is in another state, and I can't leave her home. I'm going, so she's going.

The last wedding we went to was last summer. At the reception, she ran out into the parking lot crying because no one would talk to her. I followed and tried to explain that people want to have fun at a reception, and she shouldn't expect people to put themselves out for her.

I don't know what to do. I want to see my family, and I can't leave her home, but I don't want to have her crying and pouting the whole time. Last year, she was also upset because she wasn't allowed on the dance floor. Well, I'm sorry, but eleven/twelve is too young to dance at a wedding! There's a wedding every year in our family, sometimes more than one, and she's just going to have to accept that. But she said if I "make" her go, she'll kill herself. So I don't know what to do.

hawkshoe replied: Why is 11 to young to dance on the dance floor? I have been to many a wedding where toddlers are dancing. What else is there for a child to do at a wedding? It is no wonder she was bored to tears.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I'm sorry but I'm going to be up front here
No wonder she doesnt want to go if all she can do is sit in a chair or walk around.
Why cant she dance? Is that your rule? Or others?
And there is no age limit for dancing any where
To be honest I wouldnt want to go either
Good Luck bc it seems you maybe staying home

aspenblue1 replied:
ITA! My girls both are out on the dance floor at receptions.

redchief replied: Why is that? I've been to many weddings where the kids were dancing along with the adults. Sometimes the kids were the life of the party. I'm interested to hear why you think a 13 year old girl is too young to dance.

boyohboyohboy replied: I agree with what everyone else has said.
But would it be possible for her to take one of her friends so she has someone to talk to and hang around with her own age. I am sure the added expense of one more little mouth wouldnt be that great!
and then you could have a good time and so can she.

CantWait replied:
Ditto, I totally agree. I've been to weddings at the age of 9, and was the only kid there and danced on the dance floor. Had a great time doing it. I can't imagine having to sit in a corner with no one paying attention to me all night.

CantWait replied:
That's a great idea.

My3LilMonkeys replied: I'm going to have to agree with everyone else. I have seen children younger than your daughter dancing at every wedding I've been to.

Maybe you can talk to the bride/groom and see if there will be any other girls around her age there? Perhaps they can arrange for them to be at the same table.



The only problem with this is if you already have your invitation you can't really ask to bring an uninvited guest.

chattycathy replied: Wow. Gee. I'm a little embarrassed now! I hope you don't think I'm a terrible mother!

The fact is, we are very close, and I don't normally treat her like an unwanted person. But at last year's wedding, she wasn't hanging around near me. She's at that age where you don't want to admit that you HAVE a mom, and I should emphasize that she was never one of those kids who constantly goes "Mom! Mom! Mom!" when their parent is trying to socialize. So I didn't realize she was upset until one of my neices told me she was in the parking lot. She wasn't crying because *I* brushed her off; I want to make that clear.

As for being "too young" to dance, there's no official "rule". What I meant by that was:

1) There were no boys her age.
2) All her male relatives had wives or girlfriends with them, and I didn't want her to impose.
3) I didn't want her dancing with a man I didn't know, especially if he'd been drinking.
4) She only knows how to dance to pop music, and this wedding had a polka band. 5) And there were no other pre-teens on the dance floor (because there were no other pre-teens, and no teenagers, just her and the littles, who were doing their thing in a corner).

These weddings are generally not the half-a-mil Bridezilla affairs where people sit in assigned seats and everything's very low-key. They're usually loud, beery shindigs at the Knights of Columbus or in the church basement. Think The Deer Hunter, or the wedding at the end of Mystic Pizza. The thing is, Susie is VERY shy.
When we do go to a nice restaurant with friends, Susie is able to hold her own, and has impeccable table manners and intelligent conversation. The reason I was upset with her is because I didn't think she was making enough overtures to other people. This is an ongoing problem: she thinks she should just sit and wait for other people to approach her, instead of trying to make her own friends.

What ended up happening last year is that, while she was outside, one of her cousins, who is six or so, came outside, and Susie tried to talk to her, but the other girl got bored and went back to *her* mom. Much later, my brother (who is gay) was outside and they talked for a long time. He and his partner are thinking of adopting a kid, and I guess that was a big topic of conversation. So she was in a better mood when we left.

I had a talk with her just now. I told her what I meant about people not putting themselves out for her, and she said that when people are all sitting at a table already talking to each other, she doesn't know how to break in. I told her she shouldn't interrupt an ongoing conversation, and we kind of went back and forth on that. What she told me, that really made my heart hurt, is that she's never truly felt herself to be a member of the family. It's a very unfortunate situation, the timing of her birth, with no one in her age group. As I think I said, I was the oldest of a very large family, and I guess it didn't occur to me how an only (which she effectively is) would feel.

Also she told me that I'd promised her that she could take a piece of cake home, but that when we were leaving, I didn't remember, and I said I must have said it to shut her up. She asked why I couldn't have let her have a piece anyway, and why was it necessary to shut her up. The thing is with that (and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this) there's a lot of drinking at these receptions, and I can't remember half the things I said. And she was upset with the shoes she'd had to wear, because they weren't broken in and made her slip on the dance floor when she was crossing it to go outside.

She did say that no one was actively mean to her last year, just indifferent. But that she wants to be part of the family, and it's really awkward with us living in Jersey and most of the family in PA, so she doesn't get to see them very often, and now they're all in college or married, so she's really out of the loop. And that she thought the purpose of going to a wedding reception was to see people and talk to them, and if no one wanted to talk to her, why should she go? So I think there are two possibilities here:

1) Have her stay with a friend for the weekend
2) Have someone (my brother, if he's going) assigned to her all evening, and dance with her and introduce her around.

I'm veering towards option 1, but I'm afraid that if I show up without her, all night people will be asking, "Where's Susie?" So what do you think?

luvbug00 replied: Let her stay at a friends.



ps. why does she have to dance with a male? I spent many a wedding dancing with my aunts , girl cousins and mom.

PrairieMom replied:
People shouldn't want to "put them selves out" by spending time with her or talking to her? That to me sounds like a very distructive statement. If my parent said something like that to me it would shatter my self esteem.

I agree with whoever said she should bring a friend, so she isn't alone, or perhaps YOU could spend time with her at the dance?

also, IMO, I don't feel that 12 is to young to dance. Every wedding I have ever been to has had toddlers out on the dance floor!

chattycathy replied:

Well, what I meant was, she shouldn't wait for people to come to her; she should make the first move if she wants to talk to people. But she told me she did try to talk to people, and either they brushed her off, OR, she stood there, not knowing how to start or enter a conversation. I didn't mean that no one should want to talk to her, just that it should be up to her to try.

I don't know. She's very shy, and I've always been very outgoing, so I don't know what advice to give her. Maybe I should start another thread, about helping a child overcome her shyness. I mean, it was the same way when she went to church camp; she sat at a table not talking to anyone while they were all socializing. She told me afterwards since everyone else all knew each other, she didn't know who she *could* talk to.

But that doesn't make any sense to me. No one's going to make it their personal mission to make sure she has a good time, at camp or a wedding or whatever. When I'm in a place where I don't know anyone, I introduce myself. I don't wait for people to come to me; why should they, if I act like I don't want to go to them?

CantWait replied:
I can totally sympathize with your daughter. I was like this all through school. Right up until I hit about 21 years old actually. I have no advice on overcoming it. I only did based on the fact that at 21 I started growing into my body, became leaner, my face cleared up, and I just wanted to be out and about all the time. Even at 29 I'm still quite shy, not so much, but I have the same fears as your young daughter.

Just out of curiousity, does she have a lot of friends at school etc? Does she do things outside of home and school, like dance classes, sports? These would probably help a bit with her timidness.

I would do your very best to see if there's someone she can stay the weekend with, or if you can take a friend and have them share a plate of food if it isn't possible to have another one prepared. A simple stop at a local McDonald's even before the reception to fill them out might be an alternative if there isn't enough food for an extra guest.

chattycathy replied:

She doesn't do any activities any more. I used to sign her up for educational programs, and she enjoyed those a lot, and got along with the other kids. For a few years, she was in a children's orchestra (she played violin), but when she was 10, I started wondering if this was the best thing for her. Our community is very athletic-oriented, and I thought it would be better for her to play a sport. Also, my neices and nephews are or were all into sports, and I got tired of hearing my brothers and sisters bragging about what their kids were doing in sports when I didn't have anything to brag about. So I made her leave the orchestra and join the track team, and it was a really bad experience. The other girls were very bullying to her, and she was miserable. I tried to tell her that she just had to be tough, and that she couldn't quit something just because she didn't like it, and there are bullies everywhere and she can't always run away from them. So she stuck it out, and towards the end of the season, the girls started being nice to her. But when the new season started, they were back to bullying her, so I let her quit.

About this time, she also asked to leave Girl Scouts because it was boring, and I had to admit it really was (they never DID anything, just had meetings) so I let her quit. And since I went back to school, and since my husband is on the road a lot, we don't have time to drive her places anyway. We're not as involved with the church as we used to be, so those activities fell away too. She's in the gifted program at school, but they don't do anything either, outside of school.

She doesn't have a lot of friends at school. In fact, she's pretty much an outcast. But I'm so stressed lately, with school and problems with my husband, I just can't take hearing it every day. It upsets me to hear that she's upset, but I have problems too, and I don't know why she keeps taking it and taking it and taking it. She's letting it happen, and she can't *let* people walk all over her. My husband wants to sign her up for the Dale Carnegie course; maybe that will help. And maybe she needs therapy. What I'm really afraid of is that she'll end up going Columbine. She's talked about taking a gun to school, and I'm not sure she's just saying that. (We don't have guns, but who knows what she might do?)

PrairieMom replied: I was an extremely shy child growing up. I was also picked on ALOT at school. I know from expereiance that it is tough, and it sucks, but she will grow up, and this expereiance will make her a stronger adult. She WILL learn how to socialize and deal with other people, but it will have to be on her terms, and in her own time, not yours.
Would she like to get back into orchestra? maybe if she joined activities she enjoyed, and would have an easier time opeining up to people.

My town is extremely clichy also. I didn't have a single friend all the way through elementary school, and only one or two in middle school. It wasn't until I hit highschool and a new mix of kids that I was able to really make friends.

hawkshoe replied: Since when does one need a man to dance with? Most weddings I go to the men just sit back while the women dance in groups. The only time the men get up is during a slow song. Your daughter should be able to dance on the dance floor with whomever she likes.

As for her being bored with noone to talk to, you are her mother and you really should be checking on her from time to time. It is really sad that she was outside at the last wedding and you didn't even know it. Perhaps you should make the effort to introduce her and stay with her for a bit until she is comfortably engaged in a conversation. After that you should check on her every now and again to make sure she is okay.

chattycathy replied:

Yes...I hadn't really thought of that. I was just so caught up talking to people I hadn't seen in a while. It was like this last summer, in '05, when my oldest daughter, "Linda", came to visit. Linda was showing me some episodes of American Idol, which I'd heard about but didn't have time to watch, and Susie piped up, and Linda yelled at her, saying she didn't care what contestant Susie liked, because we were talking about a different contestant. And looking back now, I really should have told Linda, "Don't talk to your sister that way," but I hadn't seen Linda in a long time either, and I wanted to spend time with her. The three of us did watch a couple movies together, and another time we all went out to lunch, but mostly, Linda and I were all caught up playing cards and talking, and Susie is so quiet, we hardly knew she was there.

The thing is, I just don't have a lot of time for Susie in general. I was so stressed last spring from taking a full load at college, I didn't know how I was going to make it, and now school's started up again! Last semester, I remember one morning I was driving to the campus, and I spent the whole time crying. And when I come home, I just need to decompress. I don't want to hear if she had a good day or a bad day, because for me, every day is a bad day. I can't listen to her until I've had at least one glass of wine and changed clothes and like that. And then I have to go upstairs and work. And I don't need her getting mad at me, like she did the other day, saying that I messed up the kitchen that she spent all afternoon cleaning. It's my kitchen, not hers, and it's great that she wants to help out, but it doesn't make her the queen bee around here. I'm just stressed out all the time, and she's not making it any easier. So perhaps it would be better for her to stay with a friend, so we can have some time apart.

Swood75 replied: I am sorry if I come off sounding rude...But.......To me it sounds like having your daughter is just a burden for you..I have ALOT of stress in my life also,but I don't take it out on my children..7 and almost 4...I ALWAYS make sure to ask my son how his day at school was etc..Then we come home and do his homework then I do my stuff and get ready for work etc...And if my children would have cleaned up the kitchen or anything else for that matter I sure wouldn't have messed it up then got mad at them because they said something to me about cleaning it..Maybe if you don't have time for your daughter it would judt be easier if she could live with someone that cares about her and what is going on in her life...Just my 2 cents

Nina J replied: I think that you're putting yourself first. It's good to put ourselves first sometimes, we can't always be putting others first.



But, I think you're putting yourself ahead of your daughter to much. As parents, we're supposed to make time for our kids. Spending time with them and helping to shape them into good adults is what we commit ourselves to do from the moment we give birth to them. Yes, you're stressed out with college, but Susie sounds like the kind of kid who has a hard time too. Imagine being shy and not having many friends, she should be able to open up and be herself around you, instead of being pushed aside because you have other things to think about. It's got to break her heart sad.gif

This whole wedding thing isn't a big deal. Let her stay with a friend, it's not to hard to answer questions about where Susie is. I think you need to reconnect with your daughter and make some time for the both of you, or else she'll grow up and you'll wonder why your relationship isn't very good.

hug.gif Best of Luck hug.gif

gr33n3y3z replied: How many times do you tell your daughter you love her in a day?
How many times do you hug her in a day?
Do you thank her for doing all the house work?

Because I will say this If I cleaned up the kitchen and you walked in and made a mess a small one even I would take everything form liquid to food and make the bigget mess you ever seen and walk out the door.

As for the older daughter where does she get off talking to her like that?
And Yes you should have told her never to talk to your sister that way I dont care how tired you are or caught up in your life you are its wrong

It seems to me that no one apreshates your younger daughter and that better change bc your going to lose her and dont take her threats lightly either bc she is reaching out for help and the help she needs only you can give her and maybe insted of going to this wedding you should plan a weekend away just the two of you bc thats what you need you dont need to get away from her you need to be with her.

amymom replied: Cathy,

wavey.gif Welcome to PC! I hope you stay around.

Your daughter is reaching out to you. Please put everything else aside and hold her. Take Lisa's adivce above. This has nothing to do with her birth order or anything else. My daughter is 9 her first cousins on my husband's side range in age from 37 to 47 years old. Talk about not fitting in!!! But that has nothing to do with whether she fits in or not. Please Susie needs you and college will wait (Hey! it waited all this time already right? I say that because I do not have a degree either and admire you for going back to get one at this stage in your life) But really take a semester, take a year take WHATEVER it takes to reconnect with Susie and get her what SHE wants not what YOU want. She will admire you and thank you for it.

Like Tara, I experience some of the things that Susie is experience, please do not take her threats lightly. She is reaching out to you for help. Please provide it.

Take care,
hug.gif

PrairieMom replied: I think that you have to sit back, look at yourself and reevaluate your priorties. Your daughter loves you, and needs attention from you. It is your JOB as a mother to show her that she is important and loved. that needs to come first, before all other things, including school and your job. I agree that your daughter is reaching out. Please pay attention before she starts looking for attention in other ways.

I think you need to stop right now, go find her, and give her a hug, and tell her you love her.

mummy2girls replied:
well I was VERY VERY shy when i was little and a teenager as well. The one thing is i did not like to be pushed into talking to people or into a situation that I wasnt comfortable with. With me i had to do it at my own pace. Now that im an adult i can be shy at first when i meet people but im not even close to how shy i was growing up. So it does get better and it does go away. Some poeple are just out going and some are shy... we just have to understand how we all feel and just work towards being more outgoing.

mummy2girls replied:
I hope i dont sound harsh here because I am only being honest and trying to help out wink.gif But why do you feel the need you have to brag to everyone about yourchild. If your daughter was in the orchastra like she likes then maby she should go back into it and then she will get really good and then you have somethign to brag about if you really need to. What i feel and believe is someone should not force a child to do something like sports or whatever if the child does not want to do it. The child should be able to pick what they like to do because if not then they will hate it and resent you.

Just ignore what your family says.. just say wow that awesome that they can do this and that kind of statement. What i hated is my ex would always force our daughter to do things because his sister and mom bragged about his neice. and then that put alot of pressure on my daughter and she regressed and refused to learn new things.

CantWait replied:
[/B]I didn't have anything to brag about.

I used to sign her up for educational programs, and she enjoyed those a lot, and got along with the other kids. [B]

It sounds to me as if you're trying to make your daughter like everyone else's. Some kids are better at different things. Was she good at orchestra?? If so, I would think that is something that you can brag about. Just because she's not good at sports, doesn't mean she's not good at something.

I sucked at sports, but excelled in writting, and drama.

Makes me wonder how your daughter gets through, and no wonder she's reserved.

mummy2girls replied:
yes you may be able go up to people and introduce yourself but for a shy person its very hard. so yes as a parents you should help her when it comes to meeting people and let her gradually do it on her own. thats what my mom did for me and as times went on i was able to on my own. and as an adult i still find it hard. and if its family they should know she is shy and should make it easier on her as well...

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I feel for your daughter... I was in gifted programs, my mother got me to take all these "educational programs" like ballet, tap, piano, violin, karate, gymnastics, etc... and really none of it paid off, I still play the piano though only by ear, and the violin I've only played recently for a wedding I played at. I was very shy, and since my dad was in the military, we moved around a lot, so I had trouble making friends. It didn't help that I was a hcunky kid with an afro and thick glasses, who had a different local accent than everyone else, everywhere I went. I was a teacher's pet, because the only person who'd talk to me in class was the teacher...so I enjoyed it.

My son was the first baby born in the generation after me. We brought him to a few weddings, actually we've brought all 3 of our kids at weddings. Weddings are supposed to be fun beer drinking sloppy dancing cake eating parties.

Are you getting a hotel room? It may not be a horrible idea to bring one or even two of her friends with her... let them have a slumber party in the hotel room... almost 13 is a great age, mature enough to be in a hotel room on their own. Otherwise, maybe arrange to have her stay with someone for the weekend. It's a matter of "pick your battles"... would you rather answer all night to a question of "where is Susie", knowing she's having fun at a friend's house, or would you rather bring your daughter along and have a replay of last year?

Good luck... hug.gif

chattycathy replied: Well. Wow. I don't think I'm going to get any work done today. First I got up and saw the new messages. And then I cried. And then I went into Susie's room and we had a long talk, and I cried some more. And then I came back and saw the even newer messages, and I'm trying not to cry again.

Basically, Susie told me a lot of stuff I didn't remember doing until she reminded me of it just now. She said that Linda and I are an "exclusive little vodka-drinking sorority" and that really hurt, but I was forcing myself to listen and not talk, so I didn't say anything. She said that the last night Linda was here, last summer (and again, I had to force myself not to say, "Who cares about last summer?") she really wanted to talk to her, but we were playing cards and didn't want to have a conversation, so she ran out of the room crying (as usual). I did ask what she had wanted to talk about, and she gave me some long story about a guy in her class that she wasn't sure liked her or not. See, that's another thing. I don't want her to get all hung up on boys, because I married my high school boyfriend, and look how that turned out for me. And Linda got pregnant when she was a senior, and I really don't want that to happen to Susie. But I didn't say any of that; I just kept listening.

And she said it hurts her that whenever Linda calls the house, either she doesn't ask to talk to Susie, or I don't put her on. Again, I was thinking, "What would you guys talk about?" but I didn't say it. I had been thinking all along that two people seventeen years apart just wouldn't have much in common, but I did see amymom's post before we had this talk, so I remembered that. And she told me a long story about being in the car with me and Linda. She says we were screaming and yelling so loud she was scared that I would wreck the car. Now, I remember the incident, and we did have a reason to be angry (it had to do with my mother-in-law, long story), but I hadn't seen myself through her eyes, and that made me cry. And she says Linda slapped her once, when she was here last summer, and I was appalled. I have never hit Susie in the face; I've spanked her, because I think spanking is an appropriate punishment, if it's done in cold blood, but I would never slap a child, and now I'm wondering what Linda does to her own son. But it's no use asking Linda about this, because she won't remember, or she'll say she doesn't remember, and there would be a huge scene. If I ever catch her doing such a thing, there WILL be a scene, but I'd have to see it first. I don't care WHAT a child has done; you don't do that. That said, I wonder why she still wants to talk to Linda after that, but she said earlier how much she envies other kids who have brothers and sisters in the same house, I guess that's more important to her.

And I asked her about the kitchen incident. Now, bear in mind that, whether it's fair or not, I was thinking "snotty little [w]itch" when it happened. But she said for her, it was like this. She'd taken everything off the cabinets and went over them with sanitizer, and then wiped down the appliances and put them back. A real job, and she was hoping I'd notice and appreciate it. So it wasn't that I spilled something, which I was cleaning up anyway, but rather the fact that I said, "Why is the blender here?" as if (she said) there was something wrong with what she'd done. Again, I had to struggle not to tell her that when I first come in the door, I don't notice anything because I'm all stressed out from school. But from the stuff she tells me about her school (which I won't go into because that's a topic in itself), I get the feeling that cleaning is something she can control, so I understand her frustration. And I did tell her that I appreciate her cleaning. She's a better housekeeper than I've ever been, and I made sure to tell her that if she wasn't taking up my slack (and I was slack even before I went back to school) Social Services would have been here by now.

And she also said that she hates it that whenever she talks to me in the car, all I say is "Uh huh" or "That's nice", and I did say that I don't like distractions when I'm driving, but she said that the only time she's alone with me is IN the car. So I can see her point. Maybe I could set aside a half-hour every day just to talk.

As for your suggestions. I think sending her to live with other people is extreme, although Susie might not feel the same. If my brother wasn't gay, I'd send her to him, but I feel a bit uncomfortable about that. There is an elderly couple in our community who I think would love to have her, but I don't want to inflict her problems on them. Or she could go to my mother-in-laws. Even though I don't like her, Susie does, and she would be in a different school. And her house is a disaster area, so Susie could clean to her heart's content! But I don't think it's come to that just yet. Family counseling is a better suggestion, although I don't think I could get my husband to go, but I suppose he doesn't have to. I think Susie should have some counseling, based on stuff she's told me. She has a crush on an actor, which is normal, but lately she's been taking it to an unhealthy extreme. When he got in some trouble recently, she was coming apart at the seams. And I'm ashamed to say I hadn't noticed this until today, but I think she's developing a bit of an eating disorder. Or maybe not; maybe she's just dieting. I don't know if parceling out M&Ms in a measuring cup is a sign that she's anorexic, or just that she wants to govern her eating so she doesn't blow up (like me!). I'll have to ask her about that another time.

As for school, I don't think I can change anything this semester. I'm already past the drop date in three of my classes, and the fourth is something I need for my major. But I've noticed that many of my classmates, who are "traditional" students, take their deadlines very lightly, and they have much less of an excuse than I do. I was thinking that maybe Susie and I could study together, and then she wouldn't feel so left out. I'm taking a women's studies course this semester, and I think she'd be interested in that.

So I hope you all don't think I'm the world's worst mom. I thank you for listening, and I'll probably be back.

(Oh, and about the spanking. Even that stopped when she started first grade. I think, if you're still spanking when the kid's that old, either there's something wrong with the kid, or with you.)

kit_kats_mom replied: I think that most of what I'd wanted to say has already been covered and it appears that you've made at least a small step in opening up the lines of communication with your DD.

I would like to make one observation though. It sounds as though you are providing a very negative environment for your DD. We all get stressed and we all have a lot of stuff to do and we all feel like we are being pulled in about a dozen directions. and yes, sometimes we snap and get cranky. BUT it's a problem when cranky is the norm. Try injecting some positivity into your day...it couldn't hurt. Just try to look at things diefferently and don't complain as much. Instead of "woe is me, I had to listen to my DD tell me all about her day at school and band practice while I ate my dinner after class. Boooring". Maybe look at it as "I'm so lucky that my DD is willing to talk to me and invite me into her world. There are so many parents out there who's kids won't talk to them at all. I wonder what happened with that Johnny kid from school. I think I'll ask her.". KWIM?

Another thing to keep in mind (one that I often have to remind myself of when I catch myself reflecting my traits onto my DD). My job is to raise a responsible, healthy (mentally and physically and sexually), productive citizen. I need to read between the lines sometimes to figure out what makes her tick and what makes her thrive. Then I need to help her hone those natural abilities and tendencies into wonderful skills. Keep in mind that although you may have been a very social kid, there are many who were not. Many of those more quiet, introverted people are some of the worlds most powerful and intelligent people and frankly, I'm way more impressed by the musically inclined and artistic kids than the jocks any day.

One other thing. It seems that she's catching onto the fact that you may have a drinking problem. You may want to refer her to Al-anon if it's an issue. Even if you don't drink every day, if she sees your drinking as a problem, then it's a problem. She may need help dealing with that.

amymom replied:

I don't
You are welcome
And I am glad you will be back.

Good job in keeping your mouth shut and listening. Listening is very important for our kids.
Take care come here anytime!!!

luvmykids replied:
That doesn't mean she's all hung up on boys, it means she's a normal girl for her age. And it sounds to me like she's not only trying to find things to talk to you about but also wanting some reassurances from you. Sounds to me like she feels a little left out of the loop when it comes to you and your older daughter, I know you both want time alone but can you find some time to do things with all three of you? She probably looks up to both of you as the older women in her life.

We all get stressed out, for me it's usually a conscious decision to find a way to put it aside temporarily in order to spare the kids, kwim? As for the cleaning thing, it sounds like she's wanting you to notice her and give her some attention. Your idea of setting aside some time each day that is just for her is a great start. thumb.gif

I don't think you're the worlds worst mother, I just think you need to realize that at her age, on top of being shy, many kids are insecure and trying to find their footing and at home she should feel like you're her number one fan hug.gif

AJDomagalla replied: My daughter is 11, and I've been through this, although my daughter does have little brothers and sisters. I would definitely take her with you. I don't have much advice about her being bored, but as for dancing, does she have any younger boy cousins? At the last wedding I brought my daughter to, she wouldn't dance with her brother, so she danced with her cousins who are 6 and 8. It was really cute, and she had a ball teaching them how to dance.

Hope I helped,
AJ


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