Broken Home - vent

mckayleesmom wrote: I hate when people refer to children from divorce or parents not together as comming from a broken home. As a child of divorce I find that statement so stupid. The home was broken during the marriage...the divorce was to fix it if you ask me. Even though I didn't live with both my parents at the same time, I didn't feel like I was "broken" in any way. I had the best of both worlds my mom was a homebody..which worked great for school days...and my dad was an adventurer...which worked great for weekends.

My parents divorced when I was 4. They tried to get back together "for us kids" when I was 9. Our home was more broken when they were together then when they were apart. This actually damaged my relationship and view of my father. Being so little when they divorced, I didn't remember them married. I got to see first hand why they divorced in the first place and I wish I could give back that knowledge. My parents are like salt and vineger together, but get along great apart. My parents will always love each other, but don't belong together at all.

My mom lives in Arizona (where I am now) and my dad lives in California. Some of my siblings live both in Cali and Arizona, so there is traveling back and forth for visits. To this day my mom can call my dad and stay at his house if needed while visiting my siblings. My dad can come here and attend a birthday party for one of the grandkids. My parents can sit down with all the kids and have a meal together. They call to get on the same page when trying to resolve a problem with the kids...etc. I don't consider this broken...I consider it fixed.

Off my soapbox now....Somebody said something about a broken home in my teen mom thread and it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I don't ever agree with staying together for the kids. Kids can tell when you are pretending.

msoulz replied:

That makes sense. I would rather have my kids see us living apart in peace than together in hell.

mckayleesmom replied: I guess when I was young I didn't realize the difference. Of course in the back of my young little head I always thought they would get back together and we would all live happily ever after..what kid doesn't?. Happily ever after for me went out the window about 1 week after they got back together. They were still happy at this point, but I wasn't. I could already see the future. It lasted about a year and it was a miserable year. They tried getting back together a few years later and that failed as well but alot sooner and to be honest...I wasn't invested at all in that reunion. I already knew it was a matter of time.


I'm not saying all is beautiful after seperation or divorce. My parents were angry for along time before they got back together the first time. I think they realized that being angry with each other affected us more then the divorce. I truly think that how you act with each other helps alot with kids. If you make an effort to get along and parent as a unit..your kids will heal faster. Kids react to their enviroment.

mckayleesmom replied: ok...I thought about it and everybody's feelings are different. Some might feel like they are from a broken home. I just hate that it is used to describe every kid from divorce or parents not together....I refer to my family as happily disfunctional...

coasterqueen replied: Being that I've only experienced blended families through my husband's family, I don't have much knowledge to say two cents on this subject. I think a lot of people do come from "broken homes" in that sense, my husband would probably say so, especially since his father was married several times. I think when parents can get along after divorce for the sake of the kids, then it seems less "broken", but I've rarely ever seen it that way in friend's families and my husbands. Everyone is constantly complaining about the other parent, etc, etc and to me that just seems broken. Step mothers/fathers can get along with the mothers/fathers......it's just truly sad and broken to me. I know that doesn't seem to be the case for you, so that's why you feel that way. In one of the marriages Ryan's dad was in.....that was just broken. None of the parents (including step parents) can get along, it's constant bickering and complaining about what the other one does and how the other one parents and it comes back on the kids, ya know. So maybe that's why someone used those words, maybe? I don't know, I have a hard time with this, explaining our blended family to my children, as they just don't understand and frankly either do I most days. The girls come home at least once a week saying so and so's parents broke up and are getting divorced and they ask me for answers I don't have. I'm babbling and being that I personally haven't dealt with it except through my husband I should probably stop babbling.

mckayleesmom replied: Like I said...I know some people would consider themselves from Broken families...but I hate when everyone is lumped into that category. My family although is functional and happy the way it is, but its not always rainbows and butterflies...they have their moments too. We have our moments.

My dad can get bitter sometimes towards my mom, but I know its just because he loves her so much...He is very easy to read.If my dad had his way they would be together, but my mom knows it won't work. He usually says something negative about her to save face. He can say something negative about her and 10 minutes later be talking to her like nothing happened. My mom can get upset with my dad if he doesn't agree with how she wants to handle a situation with us kids....It takes alot of putting themselves in check to make it work. At the end of the day we are a family...even if we are not getting along at the moment. I have 2 brothers that can get into a fight and beat the tar out of each other one day and be fishing together the next. My parents can argue about something and later be planning a trip to each others state and helping each other plan the details....My dad usually stays in a hotel here because then the kids can go over and swim....my mom will make his reservation.


Divorce doesn't always have to be a bad thing.

mckayleesmom replied: Karen...my husband would be from a broken family...His family was alot like Ryan's. To this day his mom gets upset if we bring up his dad. He also had alot of step dads and some no so nice ones.

luvbug00 replied: huh, cuz i consider my and brad's break up as fixing mya's home.
he and i together was super broken!

coasterqueen replied:
It's not? Wow, then why do people get married? I know that divorce is a better option sometimes, but how can that really be a good thing. I don't know, I have some real issues with the number of divorces these days. When there are more children in the classroom with divorced parents than there are with kids who have two parents in the home.....I find it real sad. I should probably stop there.

My2Beauties replied: I honestly have to say Brian and I are really like best friends, hell I go to him for advice sometimes. We argued so much together and because of what happened between us the kids saw so much worse with us together then they do apart. It took them a while to get used to the idea don't get me wrong, but they are perfectly ok with it now. It's been over a year and I think they are adjusting well. I think the reason so many marriages fail is because people jump into marriage entirely too fast and too young (which is what we did).

mckayleesmom replied:
Because nobody goes into a marriage thinking they will divorce, it just happens. I do think that sometimes people give up too soon sometimes. Divorce is definantly a good thing if your children can tell you are not happy. Just because you are all under the same roof doesn't mean its healthy. I would rather have seen my parents happy apart then come home to walk on pins and needles every day. I remember being so stressed out and having stomach aches and my sister had ulcers. Our parents didn't fight in front of us when we were little or anything, but you could cut the tension with a knife. They didn't have to show it, we knew. So I definantly think that divorce doesn't always have to be a bad thing. It sucks, but it happens.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied:
Agreed. I won't go into specifics, most of you know my story. But I've been happier without my ex for almost 3 years now. Logan's teacher can't tell which parent he's with by his behaviour, she has to see who is dropping him off to school. Logan has a home full of love here and a home full of love there. And I get along better with his stepmom than I do with my ex.

coasterqueen replied: Deleted. It's best I just keep my opinions to myself.

PrairieMom replied:
I wish my parents would have gotten divorced. They are still together, neither one of them is happy.
My sister and I grew up in a home where we never learned what it looked like to have a healthy loving relationship. It has caused both of us issues in our marriages.

Some times divorce IS better, when the marriage isn't a healthy situation.

stella6979 replied:
I agree. My Parents divorced after I graduated H.S. but I wish it would have happened sooner. Both my Mom and my Dad were drinkers and it was NEVER fun at my house. I pretty much stayed in my room, kept to myself and tried to stay out of the way. It got physical at times and in the end my Dad ended up cheating on my Mom and I was the one who had to tell her. My Dad had some medical issues and stopped drinking, my Mom still drinks but it's definitely not like it was. She is remarried and I absolutely LOVE my Stepdad and my Dad has a girlfriend who I really do like. Everything is so much better now. They are both happy, they are able to get along and we even do Holidays together.

coasterqueen replied:
And how do you honestly know you wouldn't have had marriage issues yourself if your parents would have divorced?


Just remember there are just as many people out there that wish their parents would have stayed together. That they could have actually felt what it was like to have a real family that lived together, did every day stuff together, shared every experience together, day in and day out. I can't see how ANYONE could ever think life would be better not being able to share those types of experiences. My parents should have divorced too, but I would NEVER EVER say I would have been better if they had. I am fortunate to say they taught me exactly how hard marriage can be, how important that bond is, and how you can't just break it when it's hard, you have to work 200% harder to keep it. I went through life with a parent who drank, a parent who hit me, a parent who said I wasn't worth a thing, but I still feel I was better off with my entire family. It just made me fight harder for the family I have now and how precious it is. All those times, all those GOOD memories, it would have been terrible to share them separately with my parents. I was kicked out of my house, forced to do something I still will regret the rest of my entire life, but I would never say I would have been better off without both my parents in the home.

Again, we all feel differently and that's fine. I feel absolutely 100% sorry for my husband who was dragged through many marriages and girlfriends/boyfriends that never worked out. I feel sorry he had to live through the bitterness of divorces. I feel sorry for him that when he got home from school and there was something so important to him that he couldn't share that with both his parents at the same time. I feel sorry that he couldn't spend the holidays with both his parents under one roof, running into the bedroom jumping on his parents to get up so he could open presents. I know my husband would NEVER EVER say life was better by divorce.

My husband and I went through a very tough time ourselves. A time where I didn't value our marriage at all. A time where he should have just walked away from me. I am sooooo fortunate he didn't. I'm soooo fortunate he made me see that no matter what happened he was determined to show me our love was worth more than I ever did or could ever do and that our family as a whole was worth an eternity of struggle to make our marriage/family the best it could be.

ETA: I am not saying anything I've said to offend anyone, it's honestly not my intention. I just honestly don't see how divorce is better. Believe me, I only scraped the surface of what my parents put me through growing up. Has it screwed me up, probably, did it make me have issues in marriage, yep, but I all the great memories far outweigh the bad in the end and the only way I know that is we stayed together to find out.

stella6979 replied:
I guess that's the difference between you and I. I can't remember ANY good times when my Parents were together but I have many great memories of each of them once they weren't together. My Dad and I became much closer (even joined a pool league together), talked a whole lot more and we hug more now than we ever did when I was a kid. My Mom and I actually do things together now instead of me just sitting with her listening to her cry after being pushed around and then having her pass out drunk cause she doesn't know any other way to deal with it. And as much as I do love my Dad I couldn't imagine not having my StepDad in my life. He is a wonderful man. He helped get my Mom back on track and he absolutely loves my kids and Avery adores him. I do think that sometimes people give up too easily but I also think that some people just aren't meant to be together even though they may have thought they were in the beginning. And just as your Parents staying together made you value your marriage, my Parents divorcing has done the same for me. All marriages go through tough times but I don't think any less of the people who just can't do it anymore. In my opinion the most important thing in life is to be happy and if you are in a marriage that makes you miserable I find no shame in letting go of it.

coasterqueen replied:
I don't think any less of those who have divorced, either. Like I said, Ryan and I almost did, ourselves, but we kept on trying and will continue to work on our marriage every day for the rest of our life. We were very young when we started dating and very young when we got married. We've had to grow together and at times we grew VERY apart, but that's the journey, I guess. Again, I don't feel less of those who've done it. I just will never see how it's better for many instances, abuse not being one of them. Again, I came from a family of drinking, a mother who beat the living right out of me, a father who made me do the unthinkable in my life that I will live with forever, a father who kicked me out twice with no where to go, but looking back now, I still feel I was better off than if they were apart.

Again, I never and will never think of less of someone. I have no reason to ever think less, I'd be a hypocrite. I was just politely stating a different side, that there ARE people in the world who feel they did come from a broken home being divorced.

mckayleesmom replied: I understand what you are saying too Karen, but like Stella..he bad times when they were together were so powerful that there really wasn't much good for memories.

I also think that my parents relationship has played a huge part in the foundation of my own marriage. I work hard for my marriage everyday too. I didn't get married to bring children into the world intending to get divorced, nobody does. There are alot of things we do to make sure our kids never experience what we did as kids. No fighting in front of them (that one isn't hard though because we really don't fight), make time for each other, make time for our kids individually, make time as a family. Although we really don't have any problems in our marriage now, we attend marriage retreats through the military to find ways to keep our marriage strong. If there is a way to keep our marriage strong...we will do it.

Like I said, nobody gets married and has kids intending to get divorced. It just happens. Sometimes people are not as compatible as they seemed or something fractures a marriage and it can't be repaired. Either way, not all kids are devistated by their parents being divorced. When I was little I wanted my parents together. I got my wish and it was a horrible and stressful time in my life. Another child might get their wish and it works out great.

I'm very lucky. I knew my husband for a whole 6 months before we got married. That could have been a disaster. We have been married for 9 years in September. I took a chance on love and followed my gut. Our relationship is just as great now as before we got married. We haven't even had a huge fight yet. Right now we are seperated because he is in North Carolina still awaiting his orders (they weren't suppose to take this long, but that is the military for you). Its hard, but we are still doing great. Another person could date somebody for years, get married and find out that they are married to someone they have nothing in common with.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

coasterqueen replied:
You are right. I don't. I could be divorced tomorrow. I'm surprised my husband didn't divorce me a long time ago, he forgave the unthinkable instead and I love him for that. I will still never say my kids are better off if we divorced, were to divorce, or divorce tomorrow. Nor would my husband ever say he was better off because his parents divorced. I'm very glad that divorce has worked out for a lot of people and they aren't affected by it. I feel very sad for those who it didn't work out for and has affected them so badly by the choices their parents made for them. That's all.

PrairieMom replied:
Because its the life I live. Its my personal experiences and its what I know to be true.

Every relationship and situation is different. You can't just say that all divorces are bad / All marriages are good.

It depends on each persons individual situation. I agree that marriages are something that should be fought for. But I also know that there are some situations where separation would be best for everyone.