Big problems around here - need advice

jcc64 wrote: Remember when I mentioned that I was taking a troubled kid in whose father is gravely ill in a hospital far from here? Well, no good deed goes unpunished. This morning, before he left for school, he stole some pharmaceuticals (my anxiety meds), which I had put away in anticipation of his arrival. He had to have been searching for them. I am struggling with whether to tell his mother when she calls to check in, or wait until her husband's immediate health crisis subsides a little. I know what it's like to have a very sick family member, one little thing (and this is no little thing) could send her right over the edge. In my heart, I think the right thing to do is to tell her now, dh thinks we should wait until things calm down for her- there's little she can do from so far away. It' breaking my heart- for all of them. The kid really needs help, but the family's in a more immediate crisis. Thoughts?

mckayleesmom replied: I would tell her, I know that the family is dealing with alot right now, but what happens if he has a bad reaction to those meds? I would call the school and see if they can search his locker. Or the police.

DansMom replied: I'm thinking you need to discuss it sooner rather than later, because you may need some input/approval from his mother on how to handle the immediate problem of this boy's unacceptable behavior while he's in your house---unless you feel like you can take some disciplinary measures on your own without her foreknowledge. Jeanne, I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. When is the mother supposed to return? Is it a matter of days, or longer? This boy needs counseling in a huge way. He must be feeling the pain of his father's situation on top of having gotten off-track with the wrong crowd.

Jamison'smama replied: What can she do where she is? Is it something she can drive back and deal with or is she too far away? How about talking with the school counselor about options before you talk with his parents so they won't have to think of what to do next. Is this something you would want to take control of (getting help) or do you need them to take the next steps? Does he have a history or drug use or is this a coping mechanism? Maybe get all the facts you can before calling so that you can present a better picture.

gr33n3y3z replied: I'm so sorry to hear this

If it were me I would talk to the child myself bc if he feels he got away with it once then he will try again.
But I think if you and your DH talk to him about it together it would have more of an effect on this child.
But when things are better with the other family I would tell her also bc the child could be doing it at home also.

Good Luck

Kaitlin'smom replied: oh man if that not a HUGE cry for help. I am so sorry you have been put in this position. I really dont know what to say. Something needs to be done, not not sure what or how. Sorry I am not much help.

DansMom replied: I really like Brenda's answer---hadn't thought of the possibility of talking to the school counselors for advice. Are there any other relatives who might be consulted as well?

kit_kats_mom replied: poor kid is probably feeling totally abandoned and thinking that this would prompt a call with his mom and force her to pay attention to him.

I'd probably do what Brenda said so that at the very least, when you do tell her, you can give her a list of options and contact numbers. She's not in the state to do her own research.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was a foster kid when my mom was on TDY for the military and I know how much having a strange kid in the house can change the family dynamic. kudos to you for being there for him

coasterqueen replied:
ITA with Lisa!

amynicole21 replied: Wow. That is really difficult. I think you need to immediately talk to the kid. He needs to know that YOU know what he did. Then talk to the school counselor like Brenda said. I think telling the mom that you are willing to do whatever needs to be done in her absence would be a big relief.

kimberley replied:
personally, i am with your dh. i would not burden mom with something she cannot deal with right now. i would talk to the child directly and try to handle it in a way i would want someone to handle my kid. mom trusted you to deal with her child so she can focus on dh. tell her when she can handle it. sorry this happened.

jcc64 replied: Yes, he's apparently been heading down a bad path with drugs for awhile now (coincides with the onset of dad's illness) He used to be an excellent athlete, now he's given it all up to hang out and get high. My ds drifted away from him when he dropped the athletics. It's very sad.
I absolutely plan on confronting this child as soon as dh gets home to help out. I want him to understand that we love and care about him, but that he has betrayed our trust and is crushing his mother at an already difficult time. I think I will keep him on an incredibly short leash until the mother comes back, and should her stay extend beyond a week, I may have to speak with her before she comes back. (she's over 400 miles away right now). But I've been playing the phone call over and over in my mind, and right now, I just can't bring myself to do it. She's an incredibly fragile woman to begin with, she was a mess last time we spoke, and I can't imagine hearing this kind of information about my child while my dh is possibly taking his last breaths.

redchief replied: Jeanne, I wouldn't burden the child's mother with it. I agree with Lisa that I would take the kid on head to head. He needs to know that someone is watching him and that he's not going to get away with it. Further, I would ground his little butt. If you're expected to care for him you must be able to discipline him too.

I know that the father can't really handle the boy right now, and apparently the mother's not fit to either. Unfortunately that leaves you to try and get him straightened out, at least while he's under your care. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

MommyToAshley replied: That is a tough situation. I think I agree with Brenda and your last post.

The poor kid. I can only imagine how hard it has been to watch his Dad become so sick. And, he probably doesn't really understand why he was "sent away". My grandfather was sick and in the hospital for a few months before he passed. I was young and my parents tried to protect me and didn't want me to "see him that way" I really regret that I didn't get to be with my grandfather and at least say good-bye and I love you. It still bothers me to this day. I wonder if there is a little bit of that going on with him as well.

I am glad you are going to confront him. I think he is lucky to have you in his life. I am sure you will be firm but also let him know that you care. It may take some time to get through to him, but if anyone can... it's you.