Any Advice? Tired of waiting... - Issues with the way the house is ran

Tom wrote: Ok - I am not sure if this is the place to post or not. Some of it has to do with the kids, but much has to do with my spouse. We have a 12yr,7yr, and 2yr old. all Girls. My wife turned 40 last summer...not a big deal at all, but to her it has been. Months ago I posted to the board and had very nice responses. The same issue is still there....we have no sex life and even when we have the time, my wife doesnt want to do any of the "work" or she just doesn't want anything at all. I have quit even trying to initiate as I get all kinds of mixed signals from her and then she ends up getting frustrated and says something really dumb towards me. I usually just shut off completely at that point. I've talked with her about this and nothing gets better. She bought some lingerie on Valentines day to wear as she hasn't worn any since our honeymoon 2.5 years ago and I have yet to see her in it. I tell her she looks beautiful and give her massages, etc, etc and tell her how wonderful she'd look in it and I can't wait to be surprised by her in it some night, etc...and nothing. This is not at all what she was like before we got married and she said she wouldn't change. I do expect a good bit of alteration and lessening of frequency since we had/have a baby, but to have a 15 min session every week and a half...what's the point in that. I can feel my self starting to unplug on purpose because I am tired of waiting, talking and being hopeful that things will turn a corner. She is somewhat depressed, but won't take anti depressants because of side effects shes had before. But neither will she work out or run or get physical to burn stress and release endorphins which helps a lot. Neither will she mediate or do the yoga we bought her. She has wanted to join the "Y" for 7 months now, but still hasn't done anything about it. Everything is basically talk, unless I jump in and do it, it doesn't get done. She is either tired, cranky, or has a headache, or high blood pressure about 85% of the time. The kids even notice it and say things to her. I keep telling her she needs to see her Dr and week after week she says she will and never does. She is wonderful, but she is not the same. It seems that ever since she turned 40 she decided she was old and now acts like it. She is always complaining about things around the house and so I offer solutions of what we can do. I'll start working on the solution and she'll do it for a week and then is back to the same old. There are so many things across the board that I am frustrated with and any time I try to mention anything she throws them back at me and says, well your always mad. I said no I am frustrated...to her, what's the difference. I am tired of getting up at 5:15 for work every week day and working 40 hours a week and then pulling 100% plus at home. On the weekends I get up with the baby on both days, while she sleeps til 10 or 11. She works 8-12 hours a week and I usually look forward to her being gone to work cuz things seem to run smoother and there's not this extra drain in the house. I have no idea what to do. I am fed up..tired of talking..and am busting my tail. About twice a week, I'll come home from work and she'll give me the baby (which she does everyday after work) we'll eat and then I go to play with the kids and she usually needs to lay down and rest. And even after her 30min to hour of rest is still too tired to be fully engaged and/or have any energy left for us after the kids are in bed. This is not what I wanted in our married life. I don't want to goto therapy cuz it sounds all good while you're there and then the needed changes never last at home. She is just like our oldest daughter (who by the way drives my wife insane) that is tired, unmotivated and has no goals or interests. I love her very much, but am tired of the way things have been now for 2 years. Everyone says it will get better. She even notices it, and yet nothing changes! Last night the baby woke up just after we'd went to bed, I didn't hear her so my wife wakes me and asks me to go get her. I did and just slept in the babies room and then got up at 5:15 today. I had to wait for my oldest daughter to take her today so I thought i'd get ready and then maybe lay on the couch for 30 minutes before we had to go since the sleep wasn't very good last night. The baby woke up earlier than normal at 6 and i tried to put her back down. she wouldn't go so I took her in to my wife and had her lay with her. 10 minutes later my wife comes out all mad and says, you couldn't watch her until you left today. I said I hoped to sit down for 20-30 minutes before starting the day, but I should have known better than to think that. She hands me the baby and goes back to bed. I go downstairs and all the doors were unlocked to the house, the garage doors were open, etc...as I put the baby to bed last night and she was the last one up and around downstairs. I've raised this with her before that we have 3 girls and the doors need to be locked. All the neighbors lock up cuz a number have had their cars or whatever broken into. So I watched the baby this morning before I left and she went back up to sleep for another 45 minutes. this is a novel so if I don't get a response that's fine, maybe i just needed to vent since i am not sure what to do anymore...thanks for listening.

amynicole21 replied: Hi Tom From what you've said, I'd say she is a little more than "somewhat depressed." It sounds to me like she could very well be suffering from a major depression. I know that you said she suffered some side effects on antidepressants before, but it may be time for her to go back to the doctor for a different kind of med. I know that a lot of people jump on the antidepressant bandwagon too quickly, but I think they can do a lot of good in some cases.

I hope you guys can work through this and find happiness again. Good luck!

jem0622 replied: ITA. That is full blown depression. Probably a severe case of PPD and she needs help. Please do not take it personally or think that she doesn't love you. Depression is hard. And to be honest...at least you are having 'relations' every 1.5 wks or so b/c I know couples who have far less than that. There were times after Gabe (19 mos) was born where we wouldn't have 'relations' more than once a month. I just wanted to go to bed when the kids went to bed.

She is wanting to sleep more. A major sign of depression. And it sounds like she is just unhappy with life in general. Not you.

I would really encourage you to get her to her OB. I say that because this probably started after the 2 yr old came, correct? Then they could refer her out. If she fights you on it then you might want to admit her for controlled care until she can admit she has a problem.

coasterqueen replied: I agree with Amy. It sounds like major depression to me. If she won't go to the doctor herself maybe you could talk with a doctor and find a way to get her in or something. It may be the best thing to do for the safety of her and all of you. ((HUGS)) I wish you luck.

jem0622 replied: I forgot to add...you need to get your 12 yr old and 7 yr old more involved with home upkeep. They are of a critical age where they need to help make everything run smoothly and should have some responsibilities.

Julie

aspenblue1 replied: ITA sounds like major depression. I would definately have her see a doctor for everyones sake.

mckayleesmom replied: I agree with what everyone else said. And you sound like a really good husband and wonderful father. Im still in shock that you give your wife a break when you get home from work.... ...thats amazing. My husband is in the Army and he works from sun up to sun down most days so she is already asleep when he gets home.

kimberley replied: ditto here too. that is full blown depression and very similar to what i have been going through on and off for the past 8 months. it has taken two major breakdowns and a trip to the hospital to get me somewhat back on track. i know you don't like the idea of conselling (neither does my DH) but i cannot stress enough how very necessary it is for her and she needs to see you by her side to get through this. try not to think of this as "my wife has changed into this other person". think of it as what it is... an illness. it took the reality that i was about to lose everything (DH, kids, job, family) before i could snap out of my "funk" and see just how much i was affecting everyone else's lives in a very negative way. i still struggle everyday to keep from falling back into it because all it takes is feeling slightly overwhelmed by laundry or crying baby or feeling fat to send me back into that dark place. whether she likes it or not, she may have to get back on the anti-depressants. i personally won't take drugs but the struggle is a lot harder without them and a good support system. Julie is right too. get the older girls and whatever family you can to help alleviate some of the pressure from you and DW so you can both work on getting her better. i am sure you feel like you are in a never ending black hole of misery but try to hang in there. once she gets the help she needs, things will get better. it is just going to take time. we are here to vent to anytime you need it. have faith. ((((hugs)))

chloe&tysmommy replied: I agree with the other ladies, it sounds like depression and I hope she can get the help she needs and your lives can get back to normal soon

CantWait replied: ITA with everyone....I hope everything works out. Best of luck to the both of you and the kids

paradisemommy replied: well ita with all the other ladies here but just wanted to say you are an incredible father and husband. i hope you can get your dw in to see a doctor and get things on the mend.

Tom replied: Just wanted to send a BIG THANKS to everyone for listening and responding. I tried to talk to her last night and bring up a few issues and it turned out just like I thought, a huge fight. As we talked she said that at work last night she asked a bunch of her work people and they said she is one of the most upbeat persons they know...and I said to her, yes - you are, when you are not here. Then it's mostly hum-glum, and that makes me feel cheated. Like, why can you put on a happy face for them and then be different at home. As normal, she said, oh yes this is all about you. She was totally upset that I went and vented on a parenting board...not sure what the harm in that was. I just told her last night that I was tired of trying and doing so much. the 2 older ones are step kids. I told her that if I go along with what she wants as a parent then things are fine, but if I want to introduce chores and responsibilities or anything consistent for them like that, that she'll be ok with it and then won't help it remain in force. I said, we have to be able to decide and work as a team/partners. She says well if its your idea, then have at it...she just doesn't get that we need to both be on the same page with things like this or things don't work and all kinds of mixed signals are sent. She says that every few months this is what she can expect...I get upset and start saying how I would like a number of things to be different and that just pushes her away again. I told her that she doesn't forgive well at all and that she has a nurture meter...while I am trying to refill the nurture meter she offers very little in return. Thus, I keep doing what I can, but in the meantime begin to get more and more frustrated as I feel like I am pulling more of the weight on things and am receiving little if any reciprocation. I finally get to the point where I am fed up and I tell her about it and boom, her nurture meter that she needs filled is back at the bottom again and the cycle starts over. She didn't disagree with that at all and I told her that I am done trying. Over and Over the cycle is the same and I am worn-out and exhausted and not getting much in return at all...and if I mention that I am not receiving much back then I am selfish. The frustrating thing is that I am supposed to adopt the 2 older girls in a week and a half and off an on for months now, I am not sure if I really want to as this was not the way I envisioned our married life working. The last thing I want is to end up divorced a year or two from now and all of the sudden I have child support to pay for 3 kids, instead of just 1. I have done everything I can for them and the family and I am fearful that I am just going to end up getting the short end of the stick even after I have put so much effort into things. That makes me sound like the biggest jerk ever, but it's a practical reality. Usually I go back and say I'm sorry and try to mend things fairly quickly and move on, but this time I just don't really want to. It's the same old, if I don't make the first move and do the reconciliation, it won't happen as she is not one to come forth first and offer a truce. This just really stinks...We had even been doing Dr. Phil's relationship rescue book off and on during that past year and when we come together to give our answers, at times she has said, you really feel that way, I can't believe you said that and starts to put up another wall, and I said, if we can't do this and be honest the it's a waste of time. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel and that's what this book is about is getting real and being honest...anyways, take care all.

kimberley replied: I am sorry your talk didn't work out i really believe you need outside help on this because you have both reached a point where nobody is listening anymore and frustrations are high. if she denies that she is depressed (which i still think she is) can you at least get her to marriage counselling? you could both benefit from a third party who will listen, validate BOTH your feelings and try and get you on the road back to each other instead of in the trenches of the war your marriage is becoming. there are 3 children involved here and they deserve a chance at a happy family. the first 10 years of marriage with kids can be harrowing but remember the vows you took.. for better or worse! you both have to see that things won't always be this hard and that there is so much potential for a wonderful future ahead for all of you if you can only stick in there.

if your DW ever wants to talk, i am in her shoes! i have 2 kids from a previous relationship and just had a baby girl with my DH and things have been anything but easy or even happy around here. it might help for her to hear it from another woman going through a similar situation. my email is in my profile, just click on my name. take care.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I have to agree that your wife sounds very depressed. I'm sorry your family is going through this and it sounds like you are trying to be very supportive. I think you need to sit down and talk to your wife about this, she should get in to see her doctor right away. I hope things go well for you, please let us know how it all goes.

paradisemommy replied: well if everyone at her work thinks she's the most upbeat person they know then she is either putting on a really good act to cover up her depression or maybe it goes a lot further than that and something is wrong with your relationship...meaning, sounds like she really resents you and if that is the case, unless you guys get someone to help you clear the air and let things get out in the open then i think you have a really hard time at making things any better.

speaking from someone that came out of a failed marriage - i reached a certain point and just got really fatigued - didn't want to be around my dh, didn't want to talk about it cause i knew it would end up in a terrible fight so it was easier just to either sleep all the time or just turn your back.

if she loves you enough then the thought of you two going to counseling, i think, would make her happy. (had my dh at the time made an effort to try and make things better, the outcome may have been different).

i don't think you sound like a big jerk when it comes to the other 2 kids at all. i would feel the same way. i think i would try and get the ball rolling, make an appt with a marriage counselor then tell her you guys have an appt. things are still really early in your marriage and if you continue to have these problems, i think they will only get worse and not better.

big hugs to you.. i hope you guys can work things out because it sounds like you really and truly love your dw - but she just needs a little help.