Another wedding etiquette question

luvmykids wrote: One of my good friends from high school just got engaged. A few of us took her to dinner to celebrate. She kept dropping hints at how small the wedding is going to be, basically that none of us are invited. We are all perfectly fine with that. However, we got invitations to her shower.

Isn't etiquette that you don't invite to the shower unless they're also invited to the wedding? We know the wedding is small but feel like she should have known we would still give them a gift, just b/c of our friendship. But being invited to the shower has got all of us annoyed, like now she's expecting a gift in spite of not being invited to the wedding, when we would have anyway. It's that feeling that it's expected, KWIM?

But anyway, what is etiquette on this? I remember we had to keep our wedding small so I thought I'd invite extra people to the shower and my mom and grandma flipped out about it.

C&K*s Mommie replied: Not sure of the etiquette on that. But I would attend the party & bring a gift anyhow- since you all are good friends.

mckayleesmom replied: It is kind of wierd, But perhaps since she is keeping the wedding small and you are not invited...maybe she just invited you guys because she wants to at least share part of her wedding traditions with her.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I'm sorry - being invited to a shower should mean you're invited to the wedding.

Traditionally, anyways... that's the way it's supposed to be.

kidsarecrazy replied: Is the wedding so small that only immediate family is invited? If so, it is possible that you are invited to the shower to be able to share part of the experience with her. I agree though that it is a tricky situation...hopefully she means well in all this!

kayla's mama replied: I always thought that if you get an invite to the shower then you get an invite for the wedding. Like others have said, maybe she's just having a immediate family style wedding but wants you guys included by inviting you guys to the shower.

I would still go and have a good time though

luvbug00 replied: I tend to be wrong but I thought if your invited to the shower, your invited to the wedding.

Edward's Mommy replied:
That's what I thought too!

kit_kats_mom replied:
That's not always true. My office threw me a bridal shower and I only invited my immediate co-worker.

Are you invited to the reception? We had a family only ceremony (because the venue was so small) but a big reception which everyone who came to the showers came to.

My3LilMonkeys replied:
Ettiquette wise, this is correct.

However, it's not always followed.

beautifulkids replied: I'm getting married in a few months also and I think that if you are really good friends then you probably should have been invited, but it sounds like she probably meant well considering all of the people at the shower that weren't invited to the wedding (from what I understood), which probably means she wanted to include you all in some way or another or else other people, other then the ones not going to the wedding, probably would have been at the shower. If there were people at the shower that were invited to the wedding and some that weren't then that isn't right, but it does seem that she probably just wanted to include her friends in another way since she just wanted a small wedding.

~~*Missi*~~ replied: UMMM YES if your invited to the shower your SUPPOSE to be invited to the WEDDING WOW!! i can't believe anyone would have the nerve to say ohhh your good enough to give us a gift but not share in the moment. WTH is that!!!
I am appalled LOL my grandma would have had a FIT if I would have done that. OMG WOW
small or not if your going to the shower you should be at the wedding. My 'small" wedding turned out to be over 200
lol

CantWait replied: Tricky indeed, and truthfully I'm not really sure on the ettiquette either. Is she the one throwing the shower? I'm sure if you guys are really good friends, then there's a resonable explanation why you are not invited to the wedding. Are you sure that you're not invited? It seems a little early in the planning stages at the moment.

luvmykids replied:
I know I must sound terrible, and it's really not that big of a deal b/c we of course had already talked about what to get her. But the thing that really bugs me is that she's already talking about where to register, which sounds to me like she's expecting a lot of gifts, and has also already said the wedding is immediate family only but that she was thinking of doing the shower in June and wanted all our addresses.

So, no, we are not invited to the wedding and yes, we are invited to the shower. Why do you go register for a small wedding, she said 20 people max, unless you're assuming everyone is going to be getting you a gift? Which, like I said, we were, and I'm sure others are, I guess it's the way she made perfectly clear that we are NOT invited to the wedding, almost defensively. If we are good enough friends that she wants us to be at the shower just to feel included in some way, then I would think we're good enough friends for her to say "Hey guys, we're keeping the actual wedding really small but I still want you to share this with me."

I could be over reacting, it just seems like she was almost rude about the wedding part, but eager for the gift.