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Am I pushing her too hard or is it time for this - life lesson?


kit_kats_mom wrote: Just curious what you guys are doing with your toddlers and if I'm just trying to teach her something too early. K is now 26 mos old and my recent focus has been on teaching her consequences. She just doesn't seem to be getting it at all. Here are two examples.

Last night, she had a Dora band-aid on her (imaginary) boo-boo. When I was putting her to bed, as a stall tactic I'm sure, she said "no band-aid mama". I said "Are you sure, If I take the band aid off, it goes in the trash and won't come back". She said "yes. No band aid" in a really whiny voice. So I took the band aid off and threw it away. Well, this morning, DH says "honey, what did you do to K's band aid?" I asked him why and he said "she woke up at 3am whining about mommy taking her Dora band aid" ARGH!

This morning, I gave her a banana which she asked for. She ate it and asked for another. She took one bite of the second banana, laid it on the table and went off to play. I told her it was time to go and asked if she wanted any more banana and she said no. I said "will you want the banana in the car?" she said no. I said "ok, I'm throwing the banana away and it won't come back Ok?" she said OK.
As soon as we get in the car she throws a holy fit about her banana. I calmly explained that mommy threw the banana in the trash because Katherine said she didn't want it anymore. Boy was she angry!

Is it too early to attempt to teach this lesson? Am I just being mean and expecting too much? I mean dang, if she tells me she doesn't want something, fine. Just dont' go changing your mind. mad.gif

Gatalita replied: With the examples u have presented, I don't see that it is too early. In my opinion it is better that they learn earlier than later. Otherwise, it would be more difficult as time goes on. Talk to ur DH and see what he thinks. U need to agree on what ur going to do. Afterall, it takes 2 to tango.

MommyToAshley replied: Actually, I read that we should be doing exactly what you are going. I can't remember the book off hand, but I read that although it might be hard, we need to let them learn the consequences of their actions. An example in the book I read was that a parent saw a child tearing one of their books and took the book away, but the author suggested letting the child tear the book and learn the consquence that she no longer has a book to read if she tears the pages. I don't know if I would let Ashley tear up her things, but I think the examples you gave were good. thumb.gif

Ashley is always changing her mind too... wacko.gif .... so it's another one of those things where you wonder if you go with your instincts or listen to the experts, kwim.

TANNER'S MOM replied: I think you are doing a great job. And I think you are teaching your child respect from both side too. Never under estimate her smart they are, she knows what you saying , but of course still wants her way. Good JOB mom thumb.gif

jcc64 replied: I think the only mistake you could have made in both scenarios would have been to offer her a new band aid or banana. She may or may not be capable of understanding cause and effect yet, but you lead the way and eventually it'll sink in.

maestra replied:
Or, you take it away and don't give it back. (Dr. Phil has recommended this also- especially with 3 and 4 year olds who won't pick up their toys) Loosing the book is also considered a natural consequence. This is the kind of behavior plan we use at my school, as well as using a time out place for thinking about their decisions and making a plan for how they are going to act when they return to the group.

As for Jaci, we've had to do this with some of her toys. She got a kitchen for her bday, and my mom bought her a ton of plates and cups, etc, to use. Well she kept taking those and throwing them all over the living room floor. We warned her, she did it again, and we took them away. She hasn't gotten them back yet. Every now and then she seems to miss them, but we aren't going to give them back until she has forgotten about them. (I don't mind if she makes a mess in her room, but picking up all of those little forks and knives was hurting my back!)

But I think you're doing the right thing! The idea that all of our actions have consequences is one of those hard life lessons that everyone has to learn. grouphug.gif

DansMom replied: Daniel's doing the same stuff---I'm glad you posted this question. I'll discuss with DH tonight to make sure we're on the same page (since we do so much separate parenting).

kimberley replied: i agree, the only mistake you could have made was to give in and get her the banana. and you didn't. you are a good mama wub.gif

jdkjd replied: I agree. You are doing a great job. I'm afraid we cave too much when Bailey changes her mind...

kit_kats_mom replied: Thanks guys! I really appreciate it. wub.gif Sometimes it's so hard to decide when and/or how to do things with them.

I totally agree with natural consequences. For her toys, I have a "black box" that I've painted and it's on the top shelf in the playroom closet. If I've asked for it to be picked up and she doesn't move on it, I'll say "ok, I'm going to count to 3 and if it's not picked up, it goes in the black box. I try to remember to empty the black box out every month or so.

Of course, I've been known to go overboard sometimes with others. Like my college roomate who left a giant pile of dirty dishes in the sink. This was an ongoing issue and I kind of lost it. wacko.gif I tossed everything in a garbage bag and took them out to the curb. She didn't wake up until after noon and by then, the trash guys had taken them away. ohmy.gif I'm not sure if the lesson was learned though since she moved out shortly thereafter. LOL

ediep replied: I would have done the same thing. I think you are doing a great job. My sister used to give in too easily too. For example if my neice was over here and wanted yougrt for lunch, I'd ask her which flavor...strawberry or blueberry, she'd choose and take one bite, then want the other one. My sis would say ok, I'll finish the first one and open another. It used to get me mad, she gives in too easily.

Boys r us replied: I think you're doing great..I do the samethings..you have to teach them. She may not be ready to accept it yet, but it's definitely not to early to begin teaching her! Just keep being consistant and she'll get it soon!!

MomToJade&Jordan replied: It sounds to me like this is a good time to do this. I have been trying to do the same thing with Jade. Sometimes it actually seems to work and sometimes it doesn't. Like last night she had this little cup that she had been using in the bathtub. Well she kept putting this thing up to her mouth. I don't know I just find that yucky, anyway I kept telling her to stop and she wouldn't so I said if you do it one more time I will take it away. She did I took it away and she got angry with me. I was trying to put her to bed so I really wanted her cooperation at that moment. I told her first off you need to stop crying and ask nicely which she did. Then I told her that If I give it back to her she needed to keep it away from her mouth or I will take it away again. She happened to listen in that instant. It's probably going to be one of those tough things, but if you think of it nothing has been easy up to this point. Your doing a great job Mommy! thumb.gif

Kaitlin'smom replied: I am dealing with the same things. Sometimes I cave others I dont, DH caves more easliy than me. Its hard when they get mad or throw a fit over something you asked them not to do/or do. kaitlin seems to be at her worse in the car ride home. Sounds like you did good. thumb.gif

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Terrific job, mom!! thumb.gif It won't take long for her to learn consequences. wink.gif

Sunflower04 replied: I feel you on that subject. My DS did the same thing this morning. Hopefully it will get better soon. wink.gif

coasterqueen replied: Well I don't think you are pushing her too hard. I do the same thing. DH thinks I'm too mean to her rolleyes.gif but that's why she has him wrapped around her little finger so tight he'll never be loose. rolleyes.gif He's terrible about giving in to her.

She'll ask for milk so I or DH will give her milk. As soon as we give it to her she'll cry saying she wants juice instead. I tell her "you asked for milk, you get milk and next time be sure to tell me what you really want". Maybe that's mean but I look at DH and when she does that to him.....by the time he's done running to the fridge...she'll have 3 or 4 different sippys with drink in it. rolleyes.gif

So I think you did a great job wink.gif.

jcc64 replied:

Hey Cary- I did a similiar thing with a college roommate. He was an incredibly irritating momma's boy(his mom used to pre-cook and freeze all his meals with heating instructions- he was 22!!!!). He NEVER did dishes, thinking and actually saying it was not a job for men(!). So one day I took all his dishes and piled them in front of his bedroom door. Didn't go over so well- he came home and started throwing them at me! Needless to say- he moved out shortly thereafter. What an ass!

Josie83 replied: I don't think its harsh at all, I think they shoudl learn that if you say something then you're going to follow through with it! We do this with Cassie an dnow she understands that if we say something to her then we mean it, and that if she says soemthing then we expect her to mean it . . . does that make sense? xx


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