Am I being too sensitive??

ian'smommy wrote: I thought I'd start my own thread so I didn't have to air my problems in someone else's...

This happens a lot over what should be small issues... If I didn't have an opinion on something and then finally do, he thinks my parents influenced my decision... There are things that I now have strong feelings about and he says I didn't feel that way until my parents got to me... That really bothers me... It's like he's insinuating that I can't think for myself. In some cases I have talked to my family and it helped to make a decision. He thinks my decision would be different ( agreeable to his) if they hadn't said anything to me.In one case I was unsure about where I stood... I had talked to my mother and then had done research... After doing the research I finally made a concrete decision... This is kind of what happened yesterday afternoon. I was telling him how I felt about something. He was doing something that I didn't think was a good idea... He wanted to know where I got the ideas I had... When I said I talked to my mother, he cut me off from anything else I was about to say, and he said, "oh that's where it came from".
It really bothers me that he doesn't seem to think I can think for myself, or that anything my famiy says is bunk, and I am gullible enough to believe it... I mean these days I am afraid to share something with him if I had talked to my family about it, because then I get that thrown in my face. Am I overreacting here? I was so mad at him about it yesterday that when he tried to get out of the hole he dug for himself, I wouldn't let him talk to me... I left the room and told him not to talk to me because I wasn't in the mood to hear it... Basically the subject is dropped and today even though I am still really bothered by it, he is going on with his day like nothing happened. I know if I say something today he will tell me that I was the one who told him not to say anything... So how do I handle this now? I am still bothered by it... How do I bring it up without him saying something like that because I know it will turn into another arguement.. Ian is picking up on how unhappy I am and that bothers me....

bwalkerletters replied: Just tell him that you were overloaded with it yesterday, but you are ready to discuss it today and come to some sort of resolution.

gr33n3y3z replied: It depends on the issues
I'm so glad I dont have to worry about issues like that bc I love getting 2nd opions from someone not involved and it opens your eyes up.

But If its something personal it maybe a diffrent story.

But talk to him and ask him why he feels that way

He maybe feeling left out

Good Luck

ian'smommy replied: That is actually a pretty simple solution... Thank you... I will do that when he gets home from paintballing... Whenever that is... He left before I even got out of bed this morning... I really am not expecting him back until supper... But whenever he does come home, I will have to approach him about it because it is keeping me from being receptive about anything else... When I am hurt I tend to only respond to him if I don't have a choice... That of course has to stop because it sure doesn't help things...

ian'smommy replied: The issues themselves are not the problem... They are very insignificant, really... It's how he chooses to respond to it that bothers me... Bringing my family into it... Telling me that if it wasn't for them, I'd feel differently... I've told him on a number of occasions how I feel when he does that, and he apologizes, but it always happens again. If he knows I talked to them, well then anything I decide (if different from his feelings) must have been because of them... So the issues themselves are not what bother me.. If he would leave my parents out of it and quit making me feel like I don't have a mind of my own, the issues wouldn't even become issues... But when he argues/fights, he fights dirty... He knows what buttons to push. What things will hurt... And he uses them... He even admitted he does that and is trying to stop... I don't think he realizes though how much that bothers me even though I've told him several times, each time it happens, that it really does hurt me....

ian'smommy replied: BTW he did say at some point awhile back that he feels like I am always agreeing with my family rather than him... But then that also depends on the issue.... We are not always going to agree on everything... But for him it becomes personal...

bwalkerletters replied: I understand......my ex fought dirty like that, and I guess she thought everyone fought like that because her and her ex-husband used to do that. I won't put up with fighting like that, where there is name calling, and screaming and yelling. I am a laid back person too, so I know where you are coming from on that.

No, you won't agree on everything, but you have to learn to respect each other regardless. He may have opinions on things, just like you. That doesn't mean he's right or you're right.......the hardest part is working together I think. To me, marriage is all about compromise, and hopefully you have someone who compliments you. We all have weaknesses, so it's good to have someone who is strong in areas you are weak in, and vice versa.

ian'smommy replied: That's what is going on with him too... Just like your ex, that's the way things were... He learned his fighting skills from his mother. He told me this. He actually said that is the way his mother fought hwen he lived at home and most likely still does. It has carried over to our home. I know there are times when I say something I don't mean that hurts him. But the difference is that I don't do it to intentionally hurt. It may be how I really feel and I just approach it the wrong way. If I try to explain myself better, he says I'm changing my story so that it doesn't make me look bad, and instead makes it all his fault, which is not what I am doing. I'm not out to intentionally hurt. Whereas when he is upset he knows what will hurt and makes the decision to use it against me...

bwalkerletters replied: Yeah, my ex told me the same thing about being like her mother. She said she sees it, and didn't want to become that kind of woman.

ian'smommy replied: Yeah... He freely acknowledged that he learned it from his mother. He learned a lot from her unfortunately. We had some issues because he didn't clean up after himself too. His mother is not a good housekeeper. I told him I felt like I was cleaning up after 2 kids instead of one. I didn't tell him that right away. Just when no other approach worked. He wants to have another baby, and at this point that is the last thing on my mind. Having a baby right now would just make things worse. For the longest time I excused some of the things he did because I knew they were things his mother had unintentionally taught him. But recently it just became too much for me to deal with. Some of our issues he says he's been trying to fix but I told him, if he was truly trying I should be seeing some differences. I wasn't. That is what I didn't understand. For awhile when he is making a conscious effort, things improve. But after a week or so, it gets old or something and we are back to square one. Ever fight we have had in the last week, he pushed the "hurt" buttons. And then when I leave the room to cry he thinks I'm overreacting. Just says, "that's it, leave the room. That will solve everything". And then of course if he does beleieve he was at fault, into despair he goes. It is so frustrating. He wants us to try to fix things on our own first but I think in the next couple of weeks if things seem to be the same I am going to say we have to go talk to someone. I can't go on this way. My entire family lives 800 miles away and my parents are coming to visit for a week and a half in a few weeks. I don't want to feel this way while they are here. I don't want what is going on in our marriage to put a damper on my visit with my family, ya know?

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Okay, I must admit that I do this constantly to my DH and I'm sooo guilty for it. I am constantly asking him "who told you that, did your mother tell you that?" And then I laugh as if not taking him seriously. And from reading your post, I realize how annoying that is and how it must feel to think your spouse doesn't respect that you make your own decisions. It makes him so angry. My DH is very close with his mother, and yes it annoys me, but that is MY ISSUE, not his. There were several times in our relationship where he would go to his mom first...whether it was making a life changing decision or just a small issue that he wanted to get her opinion on. Either way, I was totally furious that he went to her first. So we've talked about it and he now makes more of an effort to come to me first because he did see that it was often unfair on his end. But I need to learn to stop throwing it in his face when he is making an effort to change. I've also learned to let go of the fact "I'm never going to fill those shoes" (not that I want to), but being a mother myself now, I have come to appreciate the bond a mother and son have! Your DH should understand too.

Anyway...gosh I could go on and on, because all of what you say is so familiar, but I agree with Jason that you will not agree on everything and that you have to learn to respect each other regardless. I suggest couples counseling if you're both up for it. It helps to have a third person listen to how you two communicate and teach you how to possibly change the way you/he respond to one another. It really helped us..okay sorta..but really, it has helped us take a step back and see that we're both not perfect and that if only we knew how to "TALK", will we have a stronger relationship. Good luck!

ian'smommy replied: Well, I didn't get a chance to talk to DH yesterday. His mother came over at one point and asked if I wanted to go with her into town. Actually, since we live in a small town, we went 45 minutes to the next town. I jumped at it because it gets me out of the house. I was sure that DH would be home by the time I got back and then I could work up the nerve to bring up the subject again. Well, at one point the cell phone rang and it was him asking where I was. When I told him he said he wasn't far and could meet us. That surprised me. He hadn't been home yet. We got home by about 8pm. By that time I was preparing Ian for bed. Once he was in bed I didn't really want to bring it up. I was tired and I didn't want to stir up emotions right before going to sleep. So, I'll have to try again today. I can't believe DH was out the door this morning at 8am and dind't grace our house with his presence until 8pm.... Wish I could just take off like that when I want to. You know? Anyway, will try again this afternoon,

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Any luck with a talk???? I've tried a bit on my end, but it's always the wrong time. DH is working late tonight and worked most of the weekend. ughh

ian'smommy replied: No. I haven't found the right time to bring it up, and we fought again today. I am getting so sick of this. It seems like these days are becoming more fequent and I hate it...

redchief replied: Gotta come to an agreement that you're both products of your upbringing and, indeed, both of you will tend to think and respond the way your parents did to things. What you need to get around is the pettiness of it all and agree that personal attacks on each other's families will create bitterness and solve nothing.

My wife and I long ago decided that there's not much we can do about how we think and respond to situations, but instead of disagreements reducing to personal attacks (ie., you're just like your mother/father/sister/brother/great aunt Molly), stick with the issues causing the disagreement and argue them alone. We also have a rule... if one of us slips up and makes a personal attack, the other reminds the offender of that and the argument is halted until both have a chance to cool down.

I know it's tough, especially when an SO doesn't get along with in-laws... it makes it easy to blame all the problems on them. That kind of arguing will never solve anything though and you guys need to agree that you're not going to do that.

Now... this might be a little touchy... Do you tend to go to your mother with all of your problems? If so, I can sort of understand his frustration, especially if your mom and he don't get along so well. Is there a friend or someone else you could confide in when you have things you're not sure how to handle?

Good luck.

ian'smommy replied: I talk to my mother on occasion, but not all the time... During this rough time, when it finally exploded and started to bother me, I actually went to his best friend. He promised me that anythin I told him would not go beyond him even when talking to DH... It's not that my mom and DH don't get along, but he does feel sometimes that she sticks her nose in where it doesn't belong. I remind him though that it's tough on her to have her daughter and only grandchild living 800 miles away. He says he understands that.
I have had issues with his mother, but we have been getting along a lot better lately. I've never told him that he was just like his mother. He actually volunteered that info. himself. I know I'm not completely innocent when it comes to personal attacks, but he knows that he has a tendency to do it more that I do. And you are right. It doesn't accomplish anything except making the situation much worse.

DVFlyer replied: It would really bother me if my wife went to my best friend about our problems.

ian'smommy replied:
I was pretty desperate at that point for someone to talk to and I didn't want him to think I run to my mother for everything that goes wrong. His best friend is a good friend of mine too and he was willing to listen. I was worried about how DH would feel about it and surprisingly when I asked him if it bothered him, he said it didn't.