Airing dirty family laundry

boyohboyohboy wrote: I knew my parents were divorced when I was three. My mom had me when she was 15. I had a great life. My step father is my dad as far as we are concerned. I wanted to meet my father when I was 18 and did see him. I was glad I had not grown up with him once I met him. He spoke to me strangely, dirty jokes, asking me about my sex life, offering to buy me alcohol. I didn't keep in touch with him. Thru FB I started to try in the past week to reconnect with my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins from my dads side of the family. My mom is upset about this. She has never dealt well when I asked even as a child about my father. I am now 38 yrs old.
Last night my mom, in an attempt to explain why she doesn't want me to have anything to do with my dads family told me this story.......
My grandma had my mom out of wedlock, my grandfather wouldn't admit my mom was his kid. My mom and grandma lived alone, my grandfather was a playboy. My mom said when she was ten a neighbor told her my grandfather was her real father. It made my grandfather mad and he never set foot near my mom again. So at the age of 12-13 my mom was left alone after school until the early morning hours while my grandma went out with my grandfather. My mom says my 22yr old father started paying her attention and seeing her at the age of 13! She now says I was born when she was 14. She says my grandma demanded an abortion. Mom refused. I asked her why grandma never had my dad arrested. She doesn't know.
I'm upset. I didn't intend to have a relationship with my dad, it felt uncomfortable before I knew all this. But now knowing where I came from makes me sick. My father is a pedophile. So now I've already opened a door to that side of the family. I'm not sure if I should close it. I'd like someone else to confirm this story. Why did my mom wait until I was 38 to drop this bomb? I thought my mom was 15 and my dad 18. I asked her where I got this info she just says she doesn't know but never set me straight.
Should I not speak to my dads family? Do I ask them? I don't want to ask him. I don't want to talk to him.
I'm upset too, my grandfather was super with me. Now she is tarnishing his memory for me too. I also feel anger towards my grandmother. What mom leaves a little girl home alone to mess around with a man who won't acknowledge his own daughter.
It just really makes me feel differently towards my family now.

Boo&BugsMom replied: OH honey, I don't know what to say. I had the same thoughts you do while reading this...about your grandfather and grandmother. I was very close to my grandfather growing up (my dad's father) and there are some things that I don't know that my family wont tell me, as they don't want me to have that same feeling as you now do. He has been gone for quite some time now, but they want me to keep those fond memories of him.

I don't know what to tell you as far as opening/closing those doors. Sometimes God has those doors shut for a reason, but we tend to sometimes pry them open when we shouldn't. Maybe this is one of those instances?

On another hand, I have a friend who didn't meet most of her paternal family until she was in her 30's. Her father was a dead beat and did a lot of bad things. She got in touch with other members of that family and is now extremely close with many of them...and the rest are not like her father at all.

I don't know what else to say, but I will keep you in my prayers.

gr33n3y3z replied: Stacy first off (((hugs))) to you
The past is the past and the things you found out already has hurt you enough and I'm not so sure knowing any more of the info will make you feel any better. Plus when you did meet him you had an uneasy feeling of weirdness its your decision of what you want to do.
Good Luck in what you choose to do

cameragirl21 replied: Wow, Stacy, hugs!
Idk what to tell you, other than that I'm firm believer that the son is not responsible for the sins of the father so whatever your dad is, wherever you come from, that is not your fault or responsibility. None of us can control into what family we are born.
And I also want to say that I'm glad your mom didn't have an abortion because I'm happy to know you.
As for keeping in touch with your father's side of the family, go with whatever your heart tells you and whatever decision you make will be the right one.
Take care.

PrairieMom replied: I agree with Jennifer. You are not the child of a pedophile. You are Stacy, wife and mom of 3. You have your stepdad, and you are no different today then you were last week. You are a good person and who your father is has nothing do to with it. what icky news to receive! I am sure it will take a long time to digest it.

If you are uncomfortable getting to know your dad's family, then stop. wait a couple years.

Your poor mom! I can't say that I would be very willing to share a story like that with my kids either.

boyohboyohboy replied:
I'm conflicted right now on how I feel about mom.
I spent years A's many divorced kids do, wanting to know my real dad. Fantasing about what a great man he was.. Caused heart ache to my step. Dad for feeling that way... Had I known I wouldn't have....
But then again i think to be left alone at that age feeling unwanted by your dad, and then getting attention from an older boy...we all know how that feels and what happens next...

It's just very screwed up.
I feel shocked and mad.

Thank you for saying I'm not labeled a a pedophiles kid, I keep hearing that in my head.

CantWait replied:

PrairieMom replied:
I would think that your mother is very hurt and ashamed about the situation. I know that there are things I hope my kids never find out about me, and those things aren't anywhere close to something like this.

How do you sit your kid down and admit a story like that? Instead of growing up telling yourself how much better things would be with your dad, you could have been telling yourself, I am the daughter of a sicko child molester. Think of how you are reeling now. How would you handle that info at the age of 11 or 12? You are who you are today because of the way this all played out. Sounds like your mom is a strong woman who managed to break a cycle of really awful behavior.

amymom replied:

A&A'smommy replied:
I agree with all that has been said!!

boyohboyohboy replied: Your right Tara, if my mom had told me as a child I might not have believed her. I would have had the ability to ask the other people involved though. My grandfather is dead.
My grandmother is alive. But our relationship is very bad for other reasons. I don't feel I can bring this up to her now in case it causes a bad fight and then what if she dies and we don't settle things?
My mother said she made her aware that I know, and my grandmothers comment was, "I told you to have an abortion!" to my mom.
I guess knowing me doesn't change anything for her.

My fathers family is contacting me on FB. I haven't decided if I want to continue that.

coasterqueen replied:

~Roo'sMama~ replied: That's certainly not a fun thing to find out. I'm sorry Stacy!

holley79 replied: I never knew my "sperm donor". My mom had me when she was 16 and my "sperm donor" was 18 (I was his graduation present to her I guess). Anyway, my mom married when I was 2 to a very horrible man unbeknown to her. From that relationship she had my brother and my sister. While younger I use to fantasize about what a great rich man my biological father was and how he just hadn't found me yet. As I grew older the more I wanted to know him. My brother and sister's "sperm donor" and his father were both pedophiles. I use to bring my baby brother into my bedroom with my sister and I while my mom was at work and lay in front of the door so I would know if he tried to come in. I was sexually molested by both of them for 5 years of my life. Of course as soon as my mom found out she took us away and "hid" us. My brother and sister found out when they were in their teens where they came "from" but as my mom explained to them they are nothing like him. They may share DNA but not the evil part of it. I have had the most wonderful "DAD" since I was 11. He is a wonderful man and don't think for a minute I don't still wonder what my "sperm donor" is like but the way I look at it, I have lived 32 years without him and I can live a lifetime without him.

As for getting to know his family, they are biologically yours as well. My brother, sister and I all have a relationship with "pedophiles" brother, SIL and their children. We don't talk about pedophile and they are really super sweet people. If one thing can maybe come of this you gain a little more extended family without dealing with him.

I hope this all made sense. I would not shut the door on those who may want to get to know you. If you get an "uneasy" feeling from them, then cut them off. I hope sometime in your life you are able to get the answers you seek and have closure on the "hard" feelings.

msoulz replied:

ABSOLUTELY!!!

I wonder, too, if your mother's memories have been clouded by other factors ... but even if not, the end result is YOU and that is a wonderful thing.

We have zero control over who are our relatives and that should not affect your view of yourself!!! It will not change who you are or how you treat others, nor will it change how others treat you (or if it does, then they do not deserve you).

If you want to know your father's family, that is OK, it is not their fault they are related to him either. You can base your opinion of them separate from your opinion of him. You might just find some great new friends!

But you still have great friends here no matter what.