Parenting Club - Parenting Advice, Parenting Message Boards, Baby Message Boards, Pregnancy Message Boards, TTC Messge Boards
Shop for Baby Items | Parenting & Family Blogs

Advice??


ian'smommy wrote: Here is my problem... I have a VERY opinionated sister-in-law. She married my husband's brother last June and her opinionated nature is alienating several people in the family. including myself, my husband, and his parents. We haven't visited with them since Christmas. The part about her opinionated nature that bothers me the most is when she tells me what I should be doing differently with my son. The funny part is that she doesn't have any kids of her own. The last time we visited with them was Christmas Day. The get-together was at their house. After presents and dinner, we began playing games. He was the only child there and he was a little bored. My sister-in-law put a movie in for him so that we could play games while he watched the movie. An hour and a half later, he was getting into things so I was no longer able to enjoy myself because I had to make sure he didn't get into trouble. She has a lot of rules in her house, so I have to watch him more intently. I suggested another movie. She thought I was insane. She came right out and said that he watches way too much TV. That bothered me for several reasons. The first being, she has no idea how much TV he watches on a daily basis at home. Secondly it was Christmas and I thought it was only fair that since we were having fun, he could see more than one movie to keep him happy.
She has been pushing about potty training, and even told me how to discipline him once. I have absolutely had it with her attitude but my problem is that I am not a confrontational person. How do I go about letting her know that I don't appreciate her criticizing my parenting skills, without having to get too confrontational? I don't like the tension it has caused. Any advice would be great. I have let this bother me far too long without saying anything to her. She had her husband come by one day after Christmas to apologize for overstepping about the TV thing. I thanked him even though it wasn't him who I wanted to hear it from. But I came to find out afterward that she still felt that she was right and that Ian was spoiled. This has been eating at our realtionship with my husband's brother and her. I would love to be able to fix this problem and save the relationships between us...

This is only a portion of what's been going on.. there is plenty more that I won't get into. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it.... Sometimes I wish I was more bold when it comes to confronting somone about something that bothers me... happy.gif

Josie83 replied: Wel its easy for me to say, but seeing as though you hardly ever see her I would bite my tongue and not say anything! It may be hard but if its only for a couple of times a year, its worth it for saving an argument I would think. Just my opinion tho xx

ian'smommy replied: We haven't visited but we live in a small town and see each other often enough... We also go to the same church.... I saw her today in fact...
We have been invited over for dinner once or twice since Christmas and we have found ways to not go just so I don't have to deal with it. I don't like feeling like I have to avoid them to keep away from her opinions. I have plenty of opinions about things but keep them to myself when I feel it would be intrusive. She doesn't know the meaning of that apparently. There is always something that she has to say... I am just at a loss for what to do... My family and I are very close and it bothers me that my husband's family is pulling apart because of her. My father-in-law told me today that he was invited over to their place for lunch tomorrow, and he doesn't want to go but doesn't want to appear rude. So I know that this is not only bothering me, but everyone else as well....

mammag replied: I would probably just grin and bear it since you don't visit often. However if you really want to improve the relationship you would have to say something. You could tell her that it has been bothering you and you know she doesn't mean to upset you with it and that she is trying to be helpful but you feel like she is criticising you when she tells you how to raise your child and it hurts your feelings. Focus on how you are feeling when you talk to her and not on what she is doing wrong.

If neither of these appeal to you, you could always act as if you are telling about some friend or something that always tries to tell you how to raise your child and she doesn't even have kids.....sort of like you are complaining about someone else and see if she gets the hint.

HTH!


Mandasmomma replied: I think a little different on this one. This is family, so you are bound to see each other - I think I would instead of confront her one-to-one, write a letter and let her know that your choices as a mom work for your family. Although she may think he watched too much TV, explain that it was used only this time so that he did not break anything in her house, and so that you could spend time with the adults. Explain that maybe for a child, it is not very hard to get bored being the only child around when the adults attention lies elsewhere.

I would also put in there, Before I became a mom I always thought....but now I see thing sdifferent having lived in the shoes I once glanced at....

Good luck!! I know how hard it is.....keeping my mouth shut for so long finally made me explode ... and you dont want that to happen

0-10andbackagain replied:
I would also bite my tounge.

Mandasmomma replied:
I think visiting and "run-ins" are kinda the same. In fact, more uncofortable in public to run into someone that you have "illish" feelings towards.

A&A'smommy replied: I love how people who don't have kids seem to have an opinion about everyone elses child! She has NO clue what you do!! anyway sorry for the mini vent. It SUCKS going to someones house that has so many rules its not fun for the parent or the kid! Maybe your husband could talk to her dh about it and see if he will talk to her and maybe have her keep her opinions to herself. OR if she keeps it up maybe you could ask her (so not to cause more tension) not to do that because you know him best! Good luck that sounds like a tough situation! Buy be careful because it doesn't take much to light the fire in something like this Btdt

Mandasmomma replied: Yeah, I kinda think having the brothers talk it out would be the best....

DansMom replied: My take is, let the past incidents go, because it's much more effective to deal with stuff as it happens (especially when family is concerned). I'm not confrontational either, though. It's so hard for me. Something like "I promise I will ask for advice when and if I want advice" the next time she makes a suggestion might be sufficient. Then there's something to be said for just letting opinionated people have their say without letting it get to you emotionally. That's the hard part. It's just her opinion. If you don't react to it, that in itself might lessen the input over time. Good luck.

That is one cute kiddo!! I love the siggy photo.

ian'smommy replied: I'm not really hanging on to what happened in the past at all.... It does still bother me, but not as much as it had. It's the future that bothers me. We avoid spending any length of time with them simply because we are sick of being told in not so many words that we aren't good parents. There are so many thing I'd liek to say to her that I don't just because I want to keep the peace, but then it just makes a bigger wedge. If I knew we could get through a 2 hour visit without hearing an opinion, I'd be more apt to go. We got along so well before all of this started.

They babysat for a weekend in August because my husband and I had gone away on a marriage retreat. They sat us down when we got back and asked about bruises they saw on him. Asking if we knew how they got there. I was stunned that they would ask such a thing. I looked at my husband in surprise and then looked at them and said, "he's 2". There was no other explanation. He is a boy, he is clumsy at times, he falls down.

Another time I spanked him for doing something he was not supposed to do. He cried and came to me for a hug. She told me I shouldn't hug him when he's been bad. I tell you, I had to keep my temper in check that day. I want my son to know he is loved even when his behavior isn't at it's best. I told her that but she somehow does not see it that way.

I just don't want to keep dealing with these situations. We can't avoid them forever without being obvious, and if it gets to that point, we may as well just have a confrontation. rolleyes.gif

So anyway, I probably won't do anything about it unless there is another issue and then if that happens, I will see if my husband can sit down with his brother to talk about it. She needs to realize how she comes across... It has gotten her in trouble in otehr ways as well... She got fired from her job because of her attitude. She was even told that. Hopefully she will see that it pays to keep some opinions to yourself. Especially when it's not of her business....

Anyway, thanks for all the advice... I appreciate it...

DVFlyer replied: If no one tells her that what she's doing is bothersome, rude etc. , there is no room to complain or get upset about it.

Think about if your child was doing something wrong. Instead of correcting it, you tell your friends about how bad they acted or behaved. Then, when they did it again, you told your friends that you can't believe your child is still acting like that.

I know the analogy isn't perfect, but can you understand what I'm trying to say? We all assume these people must know what they are doing is annoying, but typically, no one speaks up and says, "Hey, do you realize how you sound right now? yadda yadda yadda".

If you expect to see this person again (and it seems you do), then you need to correct this behavior.... or at least try. Remember, she may not want to believe she's doing anything wrong which means you're stuck with her the way she is. Since we can't control other people, you'll have to decide whether it's worth the aggravation to keep seeing her or if she needs to be avoided all together.

Good luck.

ian'smommy replied: I see what you are saying... It comes naturally to her and I guess she just doesn't realize how she comes across. Even though her boss told her why she was fired (her attitude) she probably thought her boss was nuts.... I don't want to bring up the past with her, but if it happens again in the future I will have to do something about it. Since I'm not a confrontational person, I will either have someone with me or email them.... I don't like avoiding family, and it's pulling the brothers apart since they are both loyal to their wives. I would like for my husband to be able to spend time with his brother again... And I don't want family get-togethers to be tense... So anyway, the next time something happens, something somehow will be said.....

I emailed my mother-in-law the last time I had a problem with her and it didn't go well.... Apparently shew as real upset and hasn't talked to me about it at all... We are at least on good terms now, and are getting along. My husband had sat down with her to talk about it..... He may have to do that with his brother's wife. smile.gif Who knows......

In the meantime I guess I will prepare myself.... Thanks....

mumof2little1's replied: I am sorta in the same situation that you are. My in-laws think they can tell me how to raise my kids and i am not a confrontial person neither. For instance my sil thinks that babies should be on a bottle til they are 2 years old however my pediatrician says its ok to break them at 1 year so that is what i did. Then i found out she was giving my son the bottle when she had him over her house. She did the same thing with my daughter at that age. They think that since that my kids are there brother's kids they can do what they please. If i tell them they cant get my son for the night they come up with a line something like " Dont ask me to baby sit" stuff like that. they dont care what my decision is.


If your not able to tell her can your husband tell her how you feel?


CommunityNewsResources | Entertainment | Link To Us |Terms of Use | Privacy PolicyAdvertising
©2024 Parenting Club.com All Rights Reserved