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8-year-old daughter is suffocating me! - Need help in handling her


teachermom wrote: OK, I'm new to message boards, but I'm desperate. (Well, not yet, but summer break starts Thursday, so I will be soon.) My 8-year-old daughter is a wonderful, creative, energetic, beautiful little girl. I love her to death and do spend time with her (I work fulltime as a teacher, so I have summers off too), but I also need my own space. My issue with her is that she wants my attention 24/7 and then some. She is extremely competitive with her 10-year-old brother (in all things, including my attention). When I do give her my attention, she is loving life. If I'm not, she's spending all her energy trying to get it back. Unfortunately, when I feel like she is suffocating me, I do give her warnings, but she doesn't back off, and often I find myself yelling at her to leave me alone and give me room. This is certainly not the adult/mature way to handle this, but I am pushed to my limit several times a week. In the past, I have tried giving her scheduled "Mommy/Suzie time" and that worked for a short time, but even that got to be frustrating as she demanded more and more things out of that. I need some strategies from the wonderful parents out there as to what to say, or what to do, or how to handle things so I don't get to the frustrated point so quickly. I'd also love to modify her behavior, because I see some of these same behaviors with friends. She tries to monopolize an activity and is seen as a bully sometimes. Thanks in advance for your help!!

momofone replied: What I like to do is bring my child to playgrounds that way its something to keep them occupied or maybe the library ours has computers with childrens games on them.

Or maybe a class for her gym ballet etc. Hope this helps.

luvmykids replied: Hi and welcome to PC!

My kids aren't that age yet but the fact that she's so competitive in general makes me wonder if something that is just for her might help, like dance or gymnastics or an art class....whatever her interest is but that she's not up against her friends or brother. It might afford you the opportunity to drop her off at class and have some time to decompress.

Other than that, I don't know. I'm guessing the tactics I use for my five and three year olds probably wouldn't work for her but good luck hug.gif

boyohboyohboy replied: How about a class or group she can join for the summer, like the ymca where she can swim, or do an art class, or the library has tons of reading programs..?
or set a day aside for her to go and do fun things, like get your nails done or pediacure, that way she is with you and you get some comfort time too...it might make her feel older and that you are treating her like an adult too.

if you have a community pool maybe take her there, and you can read a book while she swims and makes friends...then you are there but she is occupied by others.?

boyohboyohboy replied: I am sorry, I forgot to say hi and welcome! I have two boys and one on the way...so girls are a mystery to me... wavey.gif

teachermom replied: WOW! Thanks for those quick replies already! You moms are great! I just wanted to respond to some of the suggestions. My daughter already takes piano lessons, I have enrolled her in many art/dance classes over the years, and she has activities for the summer (a morning program sponsored by my township, tennis lessons once a week, and we joined a pool). I also don't want to "over-schedule" her either. Even with these activities, though, she is (excuse the term) "up my butt" while we're home, on our way to/from these activities, or even during them. At the pool (while she plays with her brother and I'm trying to read a book), she's constantly "mom, look at this....mom, come over and see this...mom, can I have ___). At home, if I take a shower, she is at the door the second the water stops. If I'm on the computer, she starts banging away at the piano so I will notice her. While I was making dinner last night, she asked me if she could read me her story. I told her I'd love to hear it, but not right now, because I was getting dinner together. Then she starts to tell me "what it's about." She does this constantly. She can't just say OK and wait. She has to get it in somehow. I do appreciate the activity suggestions (and keep them coming, since you reminded me that our local library has those computers as well!!)... but I'm also looking for behavioral suggestions to get her to accept my attention when it's given, but to give me my space as well. (Sorry, I tend to be long-winded!!!)

momofone replied: If you have a computer at home she can play online games for kids (example Barbie.com or other girl sites. Just for something to occupy time.

luvmykids replied: I hope I don't step on your toes, but with my high maintenance five year old I find if I give her solid one on one time, just her and I for even 15 or 20 minutes it does wonders. You may already do that but just thought I'd throw it out there.

Sometimes at the end of "our" time she's obviously not ready to wrap it up so I tell her "If you'll find something to do so I can get X,Y and Z done, we can do such and such when I finish." And although it's tough sometimes, I let the kids take turns helping with dinner so we can chat while I get dinner done. Even chores like folding laundry are more appealing when they know they get mom to themselves.

One more thing, as hard as it is sometimes, is when she's interrupting me while I'm working on the computer for instance, I will stop and give her my attention. It might sound counterproductive but actually I think she's learning that I won't always say "Later" or "In a minute", so when I do need to tell her to wait she can handle it knowing that it's not the norm.

teachermom replied:
You have really given me some food-for-thought here. Thank you so much. I have not really (lately) been giving her that dedicated one-on-one time, but perhaps I should start up again. Also, your suggestion about giving her my full attention sometimes when she asks for it to teach her that sometimes I need her to wait was a LIGHT BULB MOMENT for me. You are so right. I guess I've been pretty stubborn with her, so that when she demands my attention for the umpteenth time that day, I actually REFUSE to give it to her. Talk about acting like an 8-year-old! Thanks again for the advice and support.

jcc64 replied: Hi and welcome to the boards- looking forward to getting to know you.
I am a mom to 3 kids- my sons are 14 and 11, and my daughter is 4. Some of your post sounds familiar to me, though my daughter is only 4. I don't know if it's a gender thing, but I find my dd much more needy and demanding of my undivided attention than my boys ever were. Depending on my mood, stress level, or competing commitments at the time, I find it alternately endearing, exasperating, or exhausting (how's that for some alliteration?) Sometimes I just need a few minutes to concentrate on one thing at a time. My dd, even at her young age, also knows how to roll out the guilt- "Mommy, why do you ALWAYS have to work?" And like you, though I try to anticipate her needs ahead of time, she will always manage to find the one thing I haven't yet tended to. If she was an adult, she'd probably be the one who sends her steak back to the kitchen 3 or 4 times till the chef gets it right.
After you've satisfied yourself that you are doing all that you can do to give her as much one on one attention as possible, you need to appeal to her in a mature way. It's perfectly ok to tell your dd that you need a few minutes of quiet to sort something out, or that you will be happy to talk with her after you finish such and such. I do also find that it's somewhat satisfying to my dd if I ask her to accompany me with my chores or errands- "Can you give me a hand with the laundry?" or "Come hang out with me while I weed the garden." Even while I'm working (I'm a freelance designer and I work out of my house), I will ask her if she wants to sit on the floor next to me and color/paint/cut.
Sometimes these things are enough, and other times, nothing's enough. At those times, I'd be as honest but as sensitive about her feelings as possible. "Sometimes even moms just need a few minutes to themselves. It doesn't mean I don't love spending time with you, it's just that I (fill in the blank).
To me, it sounds like you could use a little time away from your responsibilities. I know for teachers that this time of year is pretty stressful. But when I start to lose it in the manner you've described, I know it's time for a girls' (grownup girls, that is) night out, or a little retail therapy, alone. When I come back, i'm recharged and ready to meet my dd's insatiable need for my attention.
And one more thing. I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but as the mother of a teenager, and another one right behind, there will come a time in the near future when your dd won't want to have anything to do with you and you'll be looking back at this time wistfully. Trust me on that one.
Good luck and keep us posted.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Great advice given already.

What I think I should add, is that if you tell her that you'll do whatever after dinner, or you'll talk to her in a minute, you should also make an effort to do that - even if you don't feel like it. Know what I mean?

I use a timer. I use a timer with EVERYTHING! lol

when my kids ask me if we can do X Y or Z, i tell them ok, in 10 minutes. They get the timer, we set it for 10 minutes, and when it beeps, I have to do whatever it is I told them I'd do, even if it means I have to stop what I'm doing if I wasn't quite finished yet.

And I agree...even things like folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, or helping to make dinner, is great one-on-one time for the kids.

teachermom replied: Ladies, more terrific advice. I cannot thank you enough. Sometimes just venting or talking about things makes me feel better (and not so alone!) and that helps to give me the patience I need. Today was a very good day...lots of outside time (kids in the sprinkler, me doing yardwork). I will use many of your suggestions and look forward to seeing what anyone else might like to share. I'm glad I found this board!

gr33n3y3z replied: Tae Kwon Do is one of the better ones out there or any other Martial Art Lessons
it helped me with certain areas when I was young smile.gif


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