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10 month old daughter - ummm..... help?


phearless wrote: Ok, here's the deal. This may have been discussed before... I don't know... but, I need some advice.

My wife and I are raising our second daughter. The oldest is 2 years, 3 months old. We are having a heck of a time with the youngest, surprisingly enough.
She was only 2 weeks old when I shipped out for Army Basic Training, and I've only recently come back into the picture, permanently (until they send me to war, that is). At any rate, my wife has really babied the child, in my absence. The young one refuses to be weaned off of breast feeding (the oldest was done at only 7 months), she's never taken to the bottle for any length of time, and she has never accepted a pacifier.
She spent many, many nights sleeping in the bed with my wife while I was gone, and she still wakes up in the middle of the night, and refuses to go back to sleep in her crib. She clings to my wife as though she will die within minutes of being separated. It's impossible for the child to behave without her mother. When they are in seperate rooms, she throws terrible fits that last for hours on end.
I don't know where this kid gets all her energy from, for these tantrums. I expected this out of the 2 year old.... but, she's very calm and well-behaved, and she always has been. She's also very gentle with the baby.

I love both of my girls to death... but the youngest is driving me and my wife crazy. It hurts me a lot to be in this perdicament. It's like I'm not even this child's father, sometimes. She won't let me calm her down, at all. The mother is the only one who can get through to her. And, I know it's because I've only been around for brief periods of time, for the last 10 months.

I could write a book about this, but I'll stop, for now. Any advice, opinions? Anything?

-J

gr33n3y3z replied:
You have to give her time
I dont know what else to say but just take it one step at a time wink.gif

kit_kats_mom replied: totally normal behavior. check out http://www.askdrsears.com/default.asp
there is a wealth of information there along with suggestions for making changes if you decide to.

b&bsmom replied: I agree you need to give her time but you also need time with her too. I would have your wife leave for a half hour to start. Then next time make it an hour then a hour and a half and so on. If your wife is out of site it might help. I know you said she throws a fit but if you do it often and longer each time she might realize that mommy will be back and that you can handle things. I would also ask your wife to include you in helping to care for her, if she is feeding her sit where she can see you or know you are there, when getting her to bed have you both say goodnight. I don't know if this will help but it is worth a try. I hope things get better keep us posted. Good Luck.

P..S. while you do this make sure your older one doesn't get left out. Make sure you spend quality time with her as well. wub.gif

CantWait replied: OMG you sound so much like my dh, it's just not funny. Ron is that you (like a year ago). I can totally relate to everything that you're saying. My dh is also in the military, he was away for our second son's first 5 months, then when he was 11 months he went away for another month, coincidently he's gone to Afghanistan now, and our little one just turned 2. blahblah.gif blahblah.gif blahblah.gif Sorry, I know get to the point. The first time he was away I was breastfeeding, by the time dh came home, because no one ever took the baby, he was stuck on boob and wouldn't take a bottle or a paci. I always slept with him also because getting up in the middle of the night was just so much easier. Needless to say, if he went to daddy for a prolonged period of time, he would sream bloody murder. DH was the same way, he didn't know how to handle it. All I can say is be patient and don't flustered. Babies can sense this. Take it slow. Have you dw leave for short periods of time. Maybe take her to the park to go on the swings, or a little slide, this might keep her mind off the fact that mommy is not there, plus give mom a nice break to do whatever she wants (like a nice bubble bath). Keep offering a bottle or sippy cup in her absence, and don't give up just because she doesn't seem to be taking it right away, or within the first minute. It will take time. Unfortunetly dh didn't have the patience for this so he never did get the chance to give out little one a bottle at all. As for sleeping, we did it the really hard way, but it worked. We just let him CIO (cry it out). I hated my dh for this, I was stuck on the baby also. It took 3 hours the first time. I just turned the music up load, and cleaned till I couldn't clean anymore (it's what I do when I'm really ticked). Anyway, I'm really sorry this is so long, I just wanted to let you know that you are so not alone. We've been through this.

phearless replied: good advice..... I'll let my better half read this, later.... see if we get any bright ideas, or anything.

keep the comments coming. Thanks, so far.

-J

MN_mommy replied: My DH and I are both in the military. Fortunately, I haven't had to go away for more than 2 weeks and he hasn't been deployed yet. I just wanted to let you know things like this happen even when the parents are around all the time. DD was BF too, and my DH wanted me to quit at 6 months. Things were going so well, and it was economical for me, so I did it until she was 10 months. This was a sore spot between DH and I, because he wanted "the girls" back, and DD didn't take a bottle well or use a pacifier. I work graveyards, so most of the time, I would feed her and put her to sleep before I left for work. Because I work nights, I am home with DD all day long, and DH is only around for a few hours in the evening before she goes to sleep. When DD sees me in my uniform, she freaks out and she used to cry for hours. DH and I changed our evening routine so he would take over 1 hr before I left for work, because before I had her all the time until I left. That really seemed to work. DH would play with her and feed her, and I would say my good-byes early and leave for work w/o her seeing me. Just give your little one some time to get reaquainted to you. My mom was pissed when we went to visit her and DD clung to me. I told her DD doesn't understand that she is her grandmother, she just needed some time. I wish you the best, and I hope you don't get shipped off any time soon.

massagemommy replied: "Clinging" to her mother is normal behavior for this age. Some kids just do it more strongly than others, and letting her be with who she wants to be with until she decides to switch will actually help her be more confident (studies show, blah blah blah). Letting her wean when she's ready is also just fine -- even pediatricians recommend it now. Is there a reason you'd like her weaned?

I'm so sorry you had to miss some of her earliest days. Even though she's crying now, I'm sure she can feel your love and concern for her. Just keep giving her time and you'll be rewarded with smiles and cuddles soon enough.

DblTblDad replied: I agree with everybody else. Babies don't remember that far back, so it's like a new person coming in to her life. She needs time. Babies throw fits, thats what they do.

As for the weaning, 7 months is pretty early. The pediatrition told Sofi and I that up until 1 year baby still depends on breastmilk/formula as their main source of nutrients. My wife was planning on nursing our kids until they were 1 1/2 - 2 years of age or by their 3rd birthday. Exstended breastfeeding is, imho, a good thing.

phearless replied: all good advice.
But, now I've got a totally different problem on hand.
I am an Artillery soldier... a combat job. So, it was only a matter of time before I got sent off to war. Anyways, I'm going out there on 7 November. I'll be gone for 12 months.

I don't even know where to start asking questions about what I'm supposed to do, when I get back.
I believe that I am priveleged to participate in the US efforts in Iraq, and if I have to actually fight, while I'm out there, I will gladly fight. But, I'm wary of what my life will be like when I get back...

can anyone relate?

-J

CantWait replied: I wish my dh were here right now, but he's in Afghanistan so I can only speak for him and for the million other times we've been through this. I don't know how old your youngest is right now, but just try to spend as much time with her now as you can. Before you leave, have your wife take a picture of you in every room in the house, and post that pic there in that area...at night have your wife give your little ones a picture to kiss goodnight before bed.

We have a couple military books here on our base about daddy's being away etc.. I'd be more then happy to send one out to your family for your wife and yourself to read before you leave. Just send me your info.

When you get back, don't jump right in. Things, rules, routines will definetly be different and your wife will definetly have her way of doing things. Be the friend, and the helper and learn what's working at that time (not when you left) and what doesn't work. Expect that things will be rough, expect that there will be arguments, and tense feelings. Expect that your wife is going to grow and be probably be different, but only because she's growing and doing things on her own. In actuality, by the time a year comes and goes, she won't need you, it'll be just that much better to have you around. I hope you know what I mean by that cause I can't explain it anymore.

Good luck and best wishes. Here's hoping to a speedy and safe return home.

Marie

MyLuvBugs replied: Ok, I'm going to tell you what my cousin told me to do with my little clingy one, and this will help with the sleeping at night (A LOT). Are you ready.....Just let her cry. It's terrible, and your heart breaks, but it works. Just put the child in her crib for bed, and when she wakes in the middle of the night, just let her cry it out until she puts herself back to sleep. It's horrible laying there the first couple of nights listening to it, but it will work. I promise. My daughter SCREAMED for an hour and a half, but then fell asleep. The next night she only cried for 45 minutes, then fell asleep. By the third night, she only fussed for 15-20 minutes and then it was done. She's been sleeping through the night in her own crib ever since.

The way my cousing described it (and she's a therapist), is the child needs to learn to self sooth. But all I know is it works, and my marriage is soooo much better now.

As for her being freaked out around you, that's going to take time. I would suggest that you spend time with her with out mommy around. Then she'll learn to rely on you and trust you. Do stuff to build trust. Spend a whole day with her by yourself. Feed her, change her, bath her, play with her, put her to sleep, everything. That might help.

Also, just remember to never raise your voice in frustration b/c she's screaming. Kids like to scream and through temper tantrums to test you. My daughter does it all the time, and I just get up and leave the room. smile.gif

MyLuvBugs replied:
Sorry. I wish I could help, but I've not been in your situation. The best you can do is to spend as much time with your kids as possible. Make videos of you and the girls and your wife, so the little ones can watch them while you're gone.

Ya know what might help also...I saw this toy once. A teddy bear, but you could record your voice on to it. Then everytime the kids would squeeze it or press it's tummy, they would here your voice. Gosh I wish I could remember what it was called. I'll have to look that up on the net for ya. smile.gif

12 months is a very long time, but we are all happy that you are willing to go over and help the people of Iraq. So, long as you write, call, email, send videos, etc. your family won't forget you. And you're wife should tell your kids something special about you everyday to make them feel lke you're still there with them.

Good Luck. hug.gif

Warbride replied: As a wife of an artillery soldier, I know pretty much what you're going through. My hubby left 2 weeks after my son was born. It's been really hard this last 7 months, but we've survived. I've spoiled the baby a little bit, and it's harder now to make him go to bed when he needs to, or to eat only at mealtime and snack time. It's really easy to do that when it's just you and the baby. One thing that might help: have your wife take the kids to a babysitter(even if it's just a grandparent) once or twice a week for a couple of hours and go do something by herself or with her friends. It may sound weird, but it will help her stay sane and help the kids learn not to be shy around strangers. And teach them that Momma will be back. One thing I've read is not to try to change anything major at a time like this. It'll already be a big change for Daddy to leave, changing anything else in their routine might frustrate or scare them. I hope this helps. And if you need any advice from someone who's been through deployment twice, email me. btr4gethat@yahoo.com


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